Friend is too messy/dirty...long-term problem

[DumbestBlonde]

He is mid-40s, and has been my closest friend for about 18 years. His family had a farm (turkeys, potatoes, cattle), and then focussed on horses, which is how we became friends. It has never been romantic (although he a bit of a things about me at first) and I was married when I first took my horses to their yard.

The farmhouse was always - -- messy, I'm sorry to say. His mother was overworked by her husband (constantly buyinghorses and leaving her to look after them), so never had chance to look after the domestic side of things..... She worked so hard (for no money) that she missed a mammogram that could have spotted the breast cancer that then metastisised to her liver and killed her in her mid 50s.

Sorry for backstory...... Anyway, he and I have both come "down" in the world and now live a few doors apart - both in rented properties (and yet both have wealthy fathers as it happens).

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

BUT - he is taking NO care at all of his apartment. And, I am sorry to say, it is filthy..... The furniture was brought from the farm and is very old and the soft furnishing s ae ingrained with the dirt of years. He will not wipe surfaces in the kitchen (I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later), or the floor, or the drainer - pr antthing pretty much. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, from the skirting boards up. The only thing that is kept clean is my piano (by me), which is in his spare room, as my neighbours hate the pinao, and his previous upstairs neighbour didn't mind.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

He saves the serviettes that I have used....... (??)

I don't know what to do.... I have tried hinting - and occasionally say outright, "please could you just clean this little area?" Tonight, I asked hin to clean an area for the bags of cat food, and he looked so affronted, even though I said it quite kindly and matter-of-factly...

I cannot clean FOR him; I have done so before, and he gets quite offended (and sulky) about it. One occasion, back at the farm, it was impossible to even get into the house though all the tack and horse junk in the porch. I tried to, again, matter-of-factly, help him go through it - but he would not LET me do it (I was less attached/emotional), nor would he help me. It was so infuriating - and when the day came to leave the farmhouse (his father had sold it from under him), it all had to be done and cleared in one day because he hadn't done anything beforehand.

It may well be a trait, and it may well be depression of some sort - which I would understand....and try to help. But, for now, it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship.

How do I help him? (And the friendship, which is being damaged.)

That's so grim with the serviettes.

What about some counselling to get yourself out of this unhealthy situation.

@CuriousandReady

Op, have you seen you GP or a counsellor recently? This seems like the coming to a head of a crisis, for you, to me.

I just can't even begin to explain it to a professional. I am so sad and fed up now.

A couple of years ago, I was referred to Secondary Services (I don't really know what that is) - mainly due to the ED - but it just got bounced around between them, and the dropped.

I'm just stepping away for a bit - having a meltdown..... and feeling a bit sorry for myself

Farrrk! You do seem to have trouble focusing on the main issue - which is not serviettes and what he may or may not do with them, or horses of the past, but the fact you are going into this man's deeply dirty house and cooking there, and waiting for him to eat with him, and somehow aggravating your unresolved eating disorder and/or causing evening acid reflux.

Work on one thing at a time. Control the controllables.

A hundred people have said stop cooking in his house, cook in your own. But you have not once explained why you aren't already doing this... or discussing it at all.

Take the key, get yourself up to the farm, get your tack and hand the key back.

Report any problems to the RSPCA and step away.

You must concentrate on you.

You're eating disordered, a complete doormat and enmeshed with a guy whose only connection to you is his dead mother and a dead horse.

Is this the sequel to Elinor Oliphant is completely fine?
I think you need to write yourself a happy ending.

@MakkaPakkas

Is this the sequel to Elinor Oliphant is completely fine? I think you need to write yourself a happy ending.

I have never read that book (sorry) --- I have kept meaning to - but am at the moment reading Katheen Turner's autobiography and a fictionalised account of the ?th Duke of Portland (The Undergound Man) and his tunnels.

BUT

If (my) life is a three act play, and the fiirst two acts have been pretty bad, there isn't a lot of point in thinking the third will be any good
That is not simply fatalism, but a very real fear.

@unwuthering

Farrrk! You do seem to have trouble focusing on the main issue - which is not serviettes and what he may or may not do with them, or horses of the past, but the fact you are going into this man's deeply dirty house and cooking there, and waiting for him to eat with him, and somehow aggravating your unresolved eating disorder and/or causing evening acid reflux.

Work on one thing at a time. Control the controllables.

A hundred people have said stop cooking in his house, cook in your own. But you have not once explained why you aren't already doing this... or discussing it at all.

I don't cook here, because I don't eat here. I don't have a cooker (I have a back up digital pressure cooker, that is not even out of it's box); rented but not with the house. Bit of a chicken and egg (ha - another pun) situation.

I do make famous cheesecakes though. No overn needed. I don't eat them though

I know my focus (such as it is) is wrong. The backstory plays a part, as it usually does, otherwise how do things get to where they do....?

Oh OP, you sound really lovely but like you’re really struggling.
I absolutely believe the third act in your life can be better and outshine the first two acts. Your ED does not define you, I am sure there are a lot of other things that you are interested in that could be used to describe you.
Please try to step away from this relationship you’ve fallen into.
You said you are no longer a mother, do you mean your daughter has grown and moved out and no longer needs you?

If (my) life is a three act play, and the fiirst two acts have been pretty bad, there isn't a lot of point in thinking the third will be any good

Alternatively, if the first two haven't been much cop, don't you deserve a break? I know we don't always get what we deserve but things can change. Mid 40s I had no job, no boyfriend and hadn't driven a car in 15 years. I'll be 50 next year. My job situation is slowly but surely improving and I have a lovely and amazing partner. Partner had an old car and a friend who is a driving instructor offered me lessons in exchange for help with her horse so now I am driving again. Scared the hell out of me to do that again but I figured I'd never get a better chance.

It isn't always easy OP but you can make changes and things can improve for you. I think 'control the controllables' that a PP mentioned is really important. It's quite empowering both to concentrate on the things you can change, and to let go of the things you cannot change.

So you could take the backup pressure cooker out of the box? Or do you have some no eating at home rule?

I am sorry, this is scrambling my brain.

@JustJoinedRightNow

Oh OP, you sound really lovely but like you’re really struggling. I absolutely believe the third act in your life can be better and outshine the first two acts. Your ED does not define you, I am sure there are a lot of other things that you are interested in that could be used to describe you. Please try to step away from this relationship you’ve fallen into. You said you are no longer a mother, do you mean your daughter has grown and moved out and no longer needs you?

Thank you. And you're right. I suppose I am bringing it on myself.

Eating is such a fundamental things (and I am interetsed in food in a lot of ways - but that is also a part of the problem, as I have cut out one food group and then another and then another, due to real or perceived issues) that it can underpin a lot of things. I think I tried to help both him, and myself with the food thing - but it has backfird in so many ways. And I blame myself for him not cleaning properly - due to the time he spends with me he could do other things..... But when he has say a week off work, he does not touch a thing (and I am quiety angry when that happens).

He got another female friend a couple of years ago. Someone who is everything I once was - but now am not. But she was/is in a relationship. He shaped up a bit then though - although notin his apartment/car.

He is quite athletic and used to do triathlons - so he is not a slob in that sense - but he IS very careless about personal (dental) hygiene; being friends with her improved that for while.

My daughter is away from me - and has been for a long time. She is a succssful Nurse and happily married, with pets but no children (yet).

@unwuthering

So you could take the backup pressure cooker out of the box? Or do you have some no eating at home rule?

I am sorry, this is scrambling my brain.

I'm sorry. I know it is pathetic. If I am going to cook for ""us", and eat later - then I don't eat until then..... Can be 9:30pm. Because I eat that late, I feel like I have rocks in my stomach in the morning, so don't want to/feel able to eat for most of the day. I can be insanely hungry or - more likely - just not hungry at all.

I also of course restrict what I DO eat - vegetarian, nothing fried, low carb, no sugar, not much dairy apart from cheese..... So, if I DO eat any of these things, I have no enzymes to digest and suffer that way as well.

I also do not believe that I DESERVE to eat - and went through very hard times financially, so that plays a part as well.
(I was starved nearly to death as an infant. As was my sister, who developed rickets.)

I understand why it is so brain-scrambling to a normal person. I am sorry

It's very complicated. I still do think you can pick one thing to change or make a small improvement on that will be better for you overall. (But you can't change him!) Start small, and work up to bigger changes, maybe. Good luck.

Oh OP. I’m really sorry.
My son has an ED so I understand some of the psychology behind it, but each person’s relationship with food with an ED is so complex and different.
I can only say you do deserve to eat, to be well and healthy, and you do deserve to be happy.
I hope you keep posting here when you need help, there are plenty of us who can listen when needed.

Also I’m sorry your daughter is not in contact with you, if that’s what you meant? Sounds like things have been really hard for you.

@JustJoinedRightNow

Oh OP. I’m really sorry. My son has an ED so I understand some of the psychology behind it, but each person’s relationship with food with an ED is so complex and different. I can only say you do deserve to eat, to be well and healthy, and you do deserve to be happy. I hope you keep posting here when you need help, there are plenty of us who can listen when needed.

I'm sorry to hear about your son.....The external pressures are nowadays as great on both sexes as they grow up. It must be so hard

It really does - or has, for me - become a vicious cycle that can have many contributory elements. And then, as in my case, it can become almost physically impossible. Or there are consequences.

I hope you and your son are managing OK

@JustJoinedRightNow

Also I’m sorry your daughter is not in contact with you, if that’s what you meant? Sounds like things have been really hard for you.

Thank you x I rarely put everything together, becuase when I do, I almost can't breathe.... But yes, hard.... She was taken by her father and his mother (a repeat of my own experience - the cruellest thing); she grew away from me. And that was (for her) for the best (I mean, look at me.)

Please, if anyone spots this and decides to start a line of questioning about her and me, don't I can't open that up for comment on here.

This is so complex, and I understand that it has evolved this way over many years and because of lots of different reasons. Your comment about the third act of your life breaks my heart, though.

I think you need to make some urgent changes, and focus on you, your own life, and your own health.

Can you move house? Getting away from both of these people in your life feels critical. You need somewhere safe, secure, and free from these long-term complications to try and manage your ED and any other underlying complications.

Please don't just go on like this, it will not end well.

@BertramLacey

If (my) life is a three act play, and the fiirst two acts have been pretty bad, there isn't a lot of point in thinking the third will be any good

Alternatively, if the first two haven't been much cop, don't you deserve a break? I know we don't always get what we deserve but things can change. Mid 40s I had no job, no boyfriend and hadn't driven a car in 15 years. I'll be 50 next year. My job situation is slowly but surely improving and I have a lovely and amazing partner. Partner had an old car and a friend who is a driving instructor offered me lessons in exchange for help with her horse so now I am driving again. Scared the hell out of me to do that again but I figured I'd never get a better chance.

It isn't always easy OP but you can make changes and things can improve for you. I think 'control the controllables' that a PP mentioned is really important. It's quite empowering both to concentrate on the things you can change, and to let go of the things you cannot change.

You are so right - and well done you!!

I have almost given up on controlling the controllables, and a PP did say that people can drag you down with them; I didn't want to think that way. I actually thought that was what I was doing to him, even as I tried to help him "elevate" certain aspects of his life....

I do need to try and get a grip on some of the smaller things that are getting me down - just can't seem to get them in the right order, and think straight.

Thank you for the push though x

I can only say you do deserve to eat, to be well and healthy, and you do deserve to be happy.

This, OP. You're being very kind to your friend. You are allowed to be that kind to yourself, too

OP, you really do need to try professional therapy ASAP, just find a private one if you can afford to (eg by selling your old horse’s equipment). You say you can’t begin to explain to a therapist but they are used to that.

Perhaps the breakdown of your marriage and loss of your daughter is behind all of us. I don’t know as I’m not a therapist but you need to stop focusing on this man, you inserted yourself into his life and you need to get out.

@Luckingfovely

This is so complex, and I understand that it has evolved this way over many years and because of lots of different reasons. Your comment about the third act of your life breaks my heart, though.

I think you need to make some urgent changes, and focus on you, your own life, and your own health.

Can you move house? Getting away from both of these people in your life feels critical. You need somewhere safe, secure, and free from these long-term complications to try and manage your ED and any other underlying complications.

Please don't just go on like this, it will not end well.

Thank you (tears again..... )

For a while, I was thinking "Stop the world, I want to get ON!" but that gradually faded away.

I was reading yesterday about Martha in Virginia Wolf, who was so full of thwarted ambition that she ended up almost crazy with being stuck in her situation.

And that's me.... Inside I am screaming at the situation I am in - day after day, unable to change it, not even one step forward TO even fall back.... The things I do to make myself feel like a functioning human and to get away from this house even for a few hours....Pathetic, all of them.... So - stop trying..... even though I don't really want to.

But all made so much worse by the pandemic and the trickle down effect of that on almost every aspect of life -(for everyone, not just me). It all seems impossible now.

As an example - I have a good voice, I know I do . Pitch perfect and a quite pleasing mezzo-soprano. But so what?? I don't even practice anywhere except in the car, for fear of neighbours hearing. I don't even know what I WOULDdo, given the chance - but it is another aspect of me that is wasted - as I watch my life circling the drain.
Singing when I am so miserable just feels ridiculous anyway.

I did think that focussing on others ( and for the longest time, it was horses - nothing else mattered) was a better thing to do than focus on myself. But it's not really worked out that way

Oh OP, it really does sound like you've had a very hard and difficult life up to this point.

So many of the things you've mentioned seem very deep-seated and clearly difficult. And have been triggered out of you by people wanting more details to your original post. Which I'm guessing, to you at least, was a relatively simple post about a messy friend.

I don't really have any advice for you... Other than can you come up with ONE thing you could do today to improve your situation? Or at least reduce your mental burden?
eg: Mentally "write off" any horse stuff left at the yard. If you'd wanted it so badly, you'd have collected it by now, surely? If you can, think of each item, picture it in your mind, think a happy memory of your horse, then mentally discard it.
Or you could write a list of those items, then make a show of ripping up the list, and discarding it. You don't own a horse, you don't need any of the leftover "stuff".
THEN, take your key, put in in an envelope, label it "key for yard from OP", and drop it in your friends post box. Now you have no tie to the place any longer. Forget his horse. If, as you say, there's no welfare issue, you can just shrug and let him be.

Or, could you take your back-up pressure cooker out the box, and read the instructions? Find a space in your kitchen for it and plug it in.

Or, could you research new GPs in your area? You say your current one doesn't take you seriously. Then find a new one.

Baby steps OP. But you can change your life if YOU want to.

@DumbestBlonde you should maybe ask to move this to Relationships? It sounds like you are having a very difficult time and definitely need some support.

AIBU can be quite harsh.

It's time to be kind to yourself and re-engage with your own needs OP. The best friendships are made of people with healthy boundaries, their own interests and priorities, and the happy spaces where those overlap.