Another reluctant ‘groom’

[Unlovedandinsecure]

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@wheresmymojo What I have read over the years is that to have any financial interest, there needs to be a consistent record of payments, via a bank/ building society ,such as DD or SO, paying towards a mortgage. This type of issue has come up many times on Mumsnet. Paying for furnishings or a sofa, or whatever, isn't necessarily going to hack it.

Most women usually neither want to pursue this via the courts nor have the finances to do it.

Again, the myth of being a 'common law wife' has come up many times but for some unknown reason, women still seem to believe it exists. (I would genuinely like to know why they believe that as it's simply not the case . IME it was a euphemism people used to gloss over the fact that a couple were living together but not married, (and make it socially acceptable.)[/quote]
@JinglingHellsBells Common Law Wife is a thing in Australia, in NZ, in America, in Canada etc etc, basically most countries bar the UK. And since this is an international forum and many posters post from all corners of the globe, you can't 'take it as read' that the OP or a poster is from the UK. I never do unless they specify they are in the UK. So many of us posting are posting from countries where CLWs have legal protections. It's a shame the UK is so backward on this.

It's a shame the UK is so backward on this

It’s not backward to give people a choice about being contractually bound to someone else. If you want the rights marriage confers, get married.

It is backward that those rights only exist with marriage.

@TatianaBis

It is backward that those rights only exist with marriage.

So you think the rights and responsibilities of marriage should be acquired by default without consent. Now that does sound backward.

@CokeDrinker I take it as a given that unless a poster says they are not in the UK, they are. I know it's an international site, but the laws governing the site are UK laws and therefore that's my default.

I take issue with you saying the UK is backward in respect of CLW.
The fact is, it gives protection to women and children where couples have made a public and legal commitment to each other. If you don't believe in marriage, that's your choice but to put people who live together in the same legal position as people who marry, is not right IMO for many reasons. I'd argue it's more civilised, not less.

@TatianaBis

It is backward that those rights only exist with marriage.

People need to be allowed to cohabit without legally merging their money and assets if they want to.

@JinglingHellsBells Common Law Marriage gives protection to women (and children) who are cohabiting. Without it, they can be left with little rights if the woman is in a coercive/abusive relationship.

@CokeDrinker Yeah, I assumed that or what was the point

It's still not right that couples who can't enter a legal contract have the same provision as couples who do.

And, in the UK, statistically, couples who are married stay together more compared to couples who live together.

You can't have assets merged by stealth. If two people want to join their finances, they both need to state their willingness to legalise their relationship. Anything else would fuck over people who want to cohabit without making such a financial contract and legal commitment.That includes people who want to ensure their children from previous relationships inherit, people who want to protect their existing assets and people who just plain want to cohabit without being married for whatever reason.

The protection already exists. Marriage is the protection. If you don't want to be financially dependent without that protection, don't become so.

The protection already exists. Marriage is the protection. If you don't want to be financially dependent without that protection, don't become so.

This ^

Absolutely this.

So you think the rights and responsibilities of marriage should be acquired by default without consent. Now that does sound backward.

Is that what I said?

Without consent?

CL relationships in other countries have some legal protections. Not the same as being married.

I had one of these, you need to leave him...but not before taking him up on that offer to put your name on the house deeds. At least you will get 50% of whatever equity there is, which is far better than the 0% you will currently get, unless you fight him for it.

I am in the fortunate position of being a higher earner and earning twice what my DP earns, and we own the house we are currently selling jointly, so coming out of this, situation, I will be completely fine financially. I have always worked in a good stable career, took 7 months maternity leave after each of the 2 DC, and have never been part-time.

What saddens me most is not that he refused to marry, despite proposing and going through a non-legal ceremony in front of our family and friends years ago, after I told him I was leaving because of the lack of marriage, he is now trying to twist the script and claim he wants to end the relationship because I don't respect him and am lazy, despite doing the vast majority of housework and DC-related matters. You honestly couldn't make up some of the claims mine has convinced himself are true.

I am now very very glad we didn't marry, as I have a large pension pot which I will get to keep to myself and build on, as well as half the house, which I can use to buy myself a bigger one, in a much nicer area.

Despite it having been 20 years, your resentment will grow the more he delays (and it does sound like he has no intention of marrying, unless he is old and infirm). He wants a relationship of convenience, without all that boring legal baggage of marriage, and I'm sorry to say he does not love you enough, or care about you enough to formalise the union (I know how it feels OP).