Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

337 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:33

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:
Tobebythesea · 02/06/2021 06:47

Are you paying towards the mortgage? If so, stop and start saving.

Tobebythesea · 02/06/2021 06:50

@TeddingtonTrashbag

I do sympathise as I was so busy with work and kids for years that I didn’t make financial decisions that would have been beneficial -ie thinking in the short term, not the long/term. I am married but am now divorcing as are a lot of my friends. All older kids so no custody issues, just money to split. Finances are divided pretty much 50/50. So since the house belongs to your DP, he stands only to lose out financially if you marry and divorce-he can do the math as fid tge PP up thread who suggested you marry him and get a divorce if it doesn’t work out. I’m afraid if it wee the other way round, MN would be telling you to avoid marriage!
This is true.
traumatisednoodle · 02/06/2021 06:52

Would you want to marry him now anyway even if he did grudgingly agree, knowing that it was something he didn't want? What kind of marriage would that be for either of you?

The kind that protects OP's interests in the event of dwath or desertion. Marriage is not about white dresses and boquets

traumatisednoodle · 02/06/2021 06:53

death

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 02/06/2021 07:10

@JerushaSturgis

Would he consider a civil partnership? Less a marriage, more a financial arrangement.
I was going to say the same. Friends of ours with adult children weren't married by mutual consent. But as time went on, my friend grew to want something more official and the impact on her of her partner continuing to say 'no' was awful. She felt that he didn't want to commit (even though they'd been together 25 years) and that he didn't see her in his future. He couldn't articulate why he didn't want to marry but remained adamant. Once Civil Partnerships were available to opposite sex couples, he agreed. I cannot tell you what a difference this has made to her.
Northernparent68 · 02/06/2021 07:10

@WalkthisWayUK

Honestly I’d marry him, give it a good shot and then divorce him if it doesn’t work out. At least then you will have more security and you’ll be the one bringing up the children.
I think the fear of divorce is why he does n’t want to get married
newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 07:13

I'm saddened that you were unable to have the conversation years ago and that the relationship has ended. I hope that your children are never used to extend the disagreement you have had.

Voomster953 · 02/06/2021 07:17

@WalkthisWayUK

Honestly I’d marry him, give it a good shot and then divorce him if it doesn’t work out. At least then you will have more security and you’ll be the one bringing up the children.
Did you not read the OP? He doesn’t want to get married...
Velvian · 02/06/2021 07:18

Has he been deceitful, op? Has he always said "one day"?

I've known a few men that are deceitful and manipulative like this. Future faking is a common tactic that lazy uncommitted people use to get others to facilitate what they want in life without any commitment.

SmokeyDevil · 02/06/2021 07:23

I'm assuming, like some posters but seems not all, that you have kids together. You've been together years, had kids, and suddenly you've realised that you have gained nothing from this relationship as he holds all the assets.

If that is the case, then he is deceitful to not marry you, yet either use you for childcare and/or to help pay off his mortgage, and yet you have no claim in that house. I hope you haven't helped pay for renovations?

Maybe you can claim an interest in the house as another poster said but I'm honestly not sure you'd be successful. He's not going to marry you ever though and you should have done that before children, you were stupid there. If you're not good enough to marry, then you're not good enough to have kids with and nor is your money good enough quite frankly. Some men are absolute asses when it comes to this.

Billybagpuss · 02/06/2021 07:26

Have you been contributing to the house?

It’s time for you to start building up your own assets.

a8mint · 02/06/2021 07:27

For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children
Do you are the one who has changed their mind!

bigbaggyeyes · 02/06/2021 07:28

I'd be more concerned about the financial implications of not being married at this point. If your dc are teens/ young adults then you could find yourself with no house and little time to save up and pay for one. I hope you've been saving money and not paying for his house.

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:37

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply, even those who didn’t bother reading the OP! It’s good to get different perspectives on this even if it’s difficult to hear some of them.

In the beginning life got in the way but I’ve never been against the idea, I suppose I assumed it would happen one day. Then about 8yrs ago I sat down and told him this was what I wanted and he hasn’t given a concrete answer either way since. To me that’s the deceitful part as I now believe he doesn’t want this but doesn’t want me to leave either, hence he has been non-committal. Has that been me I would have been upfront and said either it’s never going to happen or set a date. I would not want to keep someone around for my own selfish reasons.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 02/06/2021 07:38

I can’t make sense of “if I had been told the truth from the outset”.

You were told the truth from the outset, he didn’t marry you and has gone on for two decades having children with you and not marrying you. I don’t think he has deceived you at all, he couldn’t have been more honest, you have let this happen.

But at least you are looking to rectify it now, better late than never. As a first step, I would look to register an interest in the house. This is easier to do with his agreement, so might be worth doing before you show your cards.

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:39

Yes, I contribute to the house as I work full time and when the kids were younger I took on the childcare and worked part time.

I’m a believer in being financially independent as far as it’s possible to be as you never know what’s round the corner.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 02/06/2021 07:40

How are you placed legally and financially?

How did he respond when you told him it was over?

a8mint · 02/06/2021 07:40

It is not on his financial interests to marry you, and it is not in your financial interests to leave him

TatianaBis · 02/06/2021 07:41

Xpost - do you own or rent the house? If so what is the set up between the two of you?

giletrouge · 02/06/2021 07:43

So your children are grown up. You are financially independent. He doesn't want to marry you. What does this add up to for you OP?
Because to me it looks like you're free to walk and would feel better for doing so.

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:44

Hi @Aprilx what I mean by deceitful is that he never said no when we had the first conversation and said he would do it in his own time. I think the last 8yrs have been time enough to make a decision and he is still dithering. I don’t believe he doesn’t know his own mind, he does but won’t say it out loud as he doesn’t want me to leave.

Has he been honest I could have decided whether to spend the rest of my life with him unmarried or cut my losses and find someone who wants the same thing as me.

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 02/06/2021 07:44

I'm assuming, like some posters but seems not all, that you have kids together.

I'm not one of the people who gets arsey when people don't read a full thread, especially when there are hundreds of comments. But I do think people should read the OP - this info was in the first sentence.

Theunamedcat · 02/06/2021 07:47

So you have helped him buy "his" house?

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 02/06/2021 07:47

@toconclude

You can't make decisions for each other even if you are married/related. You need a power of attorney.

Amazing how many people think "next of kin" is a thing that allows this. It doesn't.

This. You'd need two POAs. One for health and one financial.

Also, why has marriage suddenly become so important to you? If your children are teens/adults you've managed so far, why change things?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/06/2021 07:47

If your relationship is otherwise good I think yabu.
I can never understand why anyone would throw away a good relationship jist because they don't have a peive of paper that states you are legally bound together.
I don't particularly want to get married. I thought j did when I met dp, we got engaged, but we have never taken it any further than a proposal. I don't think either of us are bothered anymore.