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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

337 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:33

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:
Notthemessiah · 01/06/2021 23:38

How old are your children? Presumably you've weighed up the effect on them and decided not being married is more important to you?

That said, if you've told him it's over because of this and he's just shrugged then he really doesn't love or seemingly respect you, then leaving him may still be the best option for everyone.

Northernparent68 · 01/06/2021 23:49

He’s not necessarily deceitful, perhaps he really thought it was a possibility and has changed his mind.

FlyingSoHigh · 02/06/2021 00:01

You've not been stupid. You have taken back control. No more sitting around waiting to find out if he has finally decided you are the one. You are now free to find someone who has the same life goals as you.

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 00:12

@Notthemessiah they are adult/late teens.
@Northernparent68 that’s fine but he hasn’t said as much to me. He hasn’t given a concrete answer so I know where I stand. That to me is the deceitful part. He must know himself what he wants but he has kept that from me.

@FlyingSoHigh that’s what I said and he responded with ‘ I won’t be blackmailed’

OP posts:
Notthemessiah · 02/06/2021 00:22

Would you want to marry him now anyway even if he did grudgingly agree, knowing that it was something he didn't want? What kind of marriage would that be for either of you?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 02/06/2021 00:38

Marraige is a financial contract. If hes a higher earner with his own house he'd be a fool to marry. Especially as he already has children as this will effect any inheritance.

You dont need to be married to be listed as next of kin or to make wills. Stop trying to force the poor bloke down the aisle when the only person who stands to benefit is you. You dont have children so there is no reason to marry.

JebelSherif · 02/06/2021 00:44

In the op you mention 'he owns the house' I'm not an expert - but if he marries you and later on you divorce, does this become a factor. As opposed to the current situation?

toconclude · 02/06/2021 00:47

You can't make decisions for each other even if you are married/related. You need a power of attorney.

Amazing how many people think "next of kin" is a thing that allows this. It doesn't.

Pretzelcoatl · 02/06/2021 01:03

You didn’t think about marriage for a long time, long enough for your kids to be teens now, and only relatively recently marriage became important to you?

What actually changed? If you’re willing to end the relationship now over this, it isn’t because of something that you haven’t needed / thought of for years and still had a functional life and relationship.

Without exposing anything too private, did the rocky patch have something to do with it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 01:10

You work full time. Are you paying for the house you don't own?

WalkthisWayUK · 02/06/2021 01:19

Honestly I’d marry him, give it a good shot and then divorce him if it doesn’t work out. At least then you will have more security and you’ll be the one bringing up the children.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/06/2021 02:17
  • Push him for a reason. Some people just don’t agree with marriage for reasons relating to family experiences in the past.
  • Ask him to formally share the house ownership. This will flush out whether his reasons are mainly financial, in which case he’s very unreasonable given that presumably you’ve been jointly financing family life for years.
Blossomtoes · 02/06/2021 02:33

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

Marraige is a financial contract. If hes a higher earner with his own house he'd be a fool to marry. Especially as he already has children as this will effect any inheritance.

You dont need to be married to be listed as next of kin or to make wills. Stop trying to force the poor bloke down the aisle when the only person who stands to benefit is you. You dont have children so there is no reason to marry.

They do have children. Why has marriage suddenly become so important to you, OP? He obviously realises that financially he’d be worse off if you were married.
Downunderduchess · 02/06/2021 02:59

Relationship decisions should be mutual, not just for him to decide. If he doesn’t want marriage and it’s important to you it sounds like a no win situation. You can only decide for yourself what to do going forward. Go with your head & heart in equal measure.

JustLyra · 02/06/2021 03:17

@WalkthisWayUK

Honestly I’d marry him, give it a good shot and then divorce him if it doesn’t work out. At least then you will have more security and you’ll be the one bringing up the children.
He doesn’t want to get married... she can’t make him marry her
JerushaSturgis · 02/06/2021 03:19

Would he consider a civil partnership? Less a marriage, more a financial arrangement.

Newestname001 · 02/06/2021 03:41

@Unlovedandinsecure

This might not get you anywhere, but try googling "how to register a financial interest in a property", and also speak to Citizens Advice or a family law solicitor. Do this discreetly - no need to set your partner's alarm bells ringing whilst you gather information.

Meanwhile protect your own finances (eg remove any access he has to your finances, accounts etc). Hopefully you've built up enough of your own savings over the years to purchase your own property? 🌹

BadLad · 02/06/2021 03:47

@JerushaSturgis

Would he consider a civil partnership? Less a marriage, more a financial arrangement.
The DP on hearing that.
Another reluctant ‘groom’
Josette77 · 02/06/2021 06:13

If you have adult children why hasn't marriage been important until now?
Also why isn't your name on the house?

DeathStare · 02/06/2021 06:31

He hasn’t given a concrete answer so I know where I stand. That to me is the deceitful part. He must know himself what he wants but he has kept that from me I don't get why this is deceitful. It's perfectly possible that he's being genuine when he says he doesn't know what he wants. That doesn't mean you need to wait until he does know, but it doesn't necessarily mean he has been deceitful.

What I don't get is, you must have been together 20 years-ish - if marriage is THIS important to you why did you not draw a line in the sand years ago? It suggests to me that either:
i) marriage wasn't that important to you earlier in the relationship, or
ii) it was that important but you didn't communicate that, or
iii) you did communicate it was important but never insisted (which really is a version of ii)
It may well be that your DH sees your sudden insistence on marriage as deceptive.

BlueDucky · 02/06/2021 06:35

It's not deceitful really, he's been undecided. Now your kids are older you'll know how they'll take you splitting up now and at least you don't have all the divorce to deal with.

BlueDucky · 02/06/2021 06:35

There's no point marrying someone who isn't enthusiastic about the ideq

Everyday21 · 02/06/2021 06:41

Try one more serious talk. Ask him if he wants to marry you, use it as a proposal. Ot doesn't have to be hin proposing. If he still hums and hars and marriage is a dealbreaker for you then end it.

My Dh didn't want to get married for a long time and although when young it was something I wanted in the end being with him was more important to me then leaving him to marry someone else.he did change his mind (without me badgering him)

You need a proper talk

TeddingtonTrashbag · 02/06/2021 06:43

I do sympathise as I was so busy with work and kids for years that I didn’t make financial decisions that would have been beneficial -ie thinking in the short term, not the long/term.
I am married but am now divorcing as are a lot of my friends. All older kids so no custody issues, just money to split.
Finances are divided pretty much 50/50.
So since the house belongs to your DP, he stands only to lose out financially if you marry and divorce-he can do the math as fid tge PP up thread who suggested you marry him and get a divorce if it doesn’t work out.
I’m afraid if it wee the other way round, MN would be telling you to avoid marriage!

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 06:46

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

Marraige is a financial contract. If hes a higher earner with his own house he'd be a fool to marry. Especially as he already has children as this will effect any inheritance.

You dont need to be married to be listed as next of kin or to make wills. Stop trying to force the poor bloke down the aisle when the only person who stands to benefit is you. You dont have children so there is no reason to marry.

Did you not read the op?