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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

337 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:33

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:
lynsey91 · 02/06/2021 08:26

I think the time to be concerned about getting married was before you had children.

What is the point now in all honesty? You say "life got in the way of getting married" but that is just complete and utter bullshit. Other couples manage to get married

CooperLooper · 02/06/2021 08:28

I'm confused though why you've waited so long to give him an ultimatum? You've been together long enough to have adult children.

Sorry but to me it sounds like you now wanting to get married is financially driven rather than marriage actually being something you want, otherwise you would have given him a marriage ultimatum a very long time ago.

I'm absolutely not saying financial protection isn't critical for women (it is) but you've hardly got a leg to stand on by saying he's being deceitful.

And saying if he'd told you the truth you would have cut your losses a long time ago and found someone who wanted what you want? You've had a long relationship and multiple grown up children with him so that statement just doesn't make sense.

CrazyNeighbour · 02/06/2021 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notanothertakeaway · 02/06/2021 08:37

I don't think he was deceitful. Surely it's clear that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now

You have some hard decisions to make, but you need to take control of your own destiny

LemonRoses · 02/06/2021 08:42

Personally, I think women who bring children into the world before marriage are making a huge mistake, assuming they actually want marriage. For me, marriage is the basis of family life.

I can’t see that he’s done much wrong. You both chose to raise children as partners not spouses. You both live together long term as partners not spouses. What would be the reason for marrying now? Stable doors come to mind.

Marriage should be entered into freely and wilfully. Pressuring someone who already has everything they want isn’t necessarily going to work.

That said, you can give each other Power of Attorney. You can write wills and make advanced care directives.

Thankyouforthemusic · 02/06/2021 08:43

He has used you. I’m sorry for you OP and I think you’re right to dump him and find someone who will respect you and treat you as an equal.

millymae · 02/06/2021 08:45

Does he have a will? - sorry just seen someone above has asked the same question.
If so, has he made any provision for you should he die?
Does he understand what the outcome will be for you if he hasn’t?. Has this been discussed?
The ring on finger wouldn’t worry me at all but I would certainly want to know that I was being provided for in the event of him dying before me
If he’s not prepared to even do that after all the years you’ve been together, then he’s not a very nice person at all.

Thankyouforthemusic · 02/06/2021 08:46

@CrazyNeighbour

Of course it’s deceitful. We all know the reality is he doesn’t want to go through a marriage to her He doesn’t really want to think about it (he has had enough time for their children to be adults for fuck sake!) He wants to be able to think she is mean/nagging/pressurising He still wants all his home comforts

Just write him off as a spineless sack of shit, OP. Don’t give him another second of your time. He deserves nothing but your absolute contempt.

‘Spineless sack of shit’ - well put!
CrazyNeighbour · 02/06/2021 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 02/06/2021 08:48

I have never been in that situation OP, but if you want to leave, I think you should just leave, but not until the time is right for you.

It took me a couple of years to be able to leave but... I didn’t spend the time trying to save the marriage anymore, I had had enough so just saw living together as a “scholarship” that would keep a roof over my head while I put some savings together, got a better job and planned what I wanted my new life to be. It has worked great, my only regret at leaving is not leaving years before I did.

Focusing on what I wanted my new life to be and building it up bit by bit took away a lot of the resentment and we parted ways, initially, in very friendly terms, which made things easier for DS to start with.

So embrace your new life OP, I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard goes on one knee when he realises you no longer care about staying with him anymore but I hope than by then you say no or stay on your own terms.

DeathStare · 02/06/2021 08:49

Then about 8yrs ago I sat down and told him this was what I wanted and he hasn’t given a concrete answer either way since. To me that’s the deceitful part as I now believe he doesn’t want this but doesn’t want me to leave either, hence he has been non-committal. Has that been me I would have been upfront and said either it’s never going to happen or set a date

I'm really sorry but this is on you. He was clear he was non-committal - you then had an opportunity to either accept that, or to walk away, or to set him a deadline to make his mind up by. You chose to accept it.

KarmaNoMore · 02/06/2021 08:52

@millymae the will offers no security, he can change it at any given time without telling OP and leave all the assets to his children, his siblings or the RSPCA.

The first thing that gets changed when you are about to split with someone is the wills, why people see some security on having one of unmarried is absolutely mind blowing.

Quartz2208 · 02/06/2021 08:59

THere is a thread in legal matters where a very knowledgeable poster who works in law has mentioned potential rights over the house you may have so I would also seek some legal advice to see where you stand

Akire · 02/06/2021 09:00

He not done anything wrong isn’t very fair. OP presumed at some point they would get married and that her hard work, paid and unpaid in the relationship was valued as much as his pay packet. He’s free to walk away with every asset. She has nothing. Hardly fair and reasonable. In cases like this it’s not like someone who’s owed house for most of adult life gets married for 5min and in divorce they have to part with half of everything.

Only thing you can do now is stop contributing large chunks of your pay packet to the house hold. If his wage share of the mortgage is his and his alone you need the same amount to be put aside. Rather than 100% of your wage gets spent on the family.

wdmtthgcock · 02/06/2021 09:01

he owns the house

That's why he doesn't want to marry you.

I really think the legal implications of living with someone and having children with them without the legal protections of marriage/civil partnerships should be taught in schools.
This should be part of sex education so that people know what they are getting themselves into and the consequences of their choices to marry or not.
Also, the implications of giving up your job, going part-time to raise children if you are unmarried and what could happen when/if the relationship ends.

There's a thread on here nearly every day from a woman who has ended up in this kind of situation.

DreamingNow · 02/06/2021 09:02

[quote Unlovedandinsecure]@CassandraTrotter yes, that’s what I’ve concluded - it’s the sharing of assets with me that he baulks at.[/quote]
Well then that’s a discussion that you really need to have. Let’s say starting with having a chat with him to put you on the deeds of the house so you are BOTH owning it.
And reviewing all the financial stuff such as savings to check that you BOTH get savings etc...

I hope you haven’t just pooled all your money together and have savings on his name only etc....

I suspect that his answer will you a lot about what he thinks of you tbh.

DreamingNow · 02/06/2021 09:03

Having said that, it’s a discussion you should have had years and years ago. When you had your first dc.

You took all the risk (no house, going part time etc...) and he is reaping the benefits from it. Why did you accept that in the first place?

Velvian · 02/06/2021 09:07

He is a selfish person. Has he considered that you would have no right to stay in the home you have into for so many years if he died tomorrow.

He has used OP, safe in the knowledge that he would have the entire financial benefit from the house and unrestricted career benefits while having children.

Saying to the OP that this is on her is misogynistic. Society is set up to allow this to happen to women. To allow men to scheme and and manipulate, while at the same time projecting those characteristics on to women.

millymae · 02/06/2021 09:09

Karma - yes I should have thought of that.
I’m naive enough to think that if you’ve been together for as long as the OP has there has to be respect and love and recognition of what she’s done for the family over the last quarter of century and he wouldn’t stoop so low to change it. Bearing in mind the OP’s partner’s stance on getting married that’s probably the wrong assumption for me to make!

JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2021 09:12

You say 'your' children.

Are they his as well? it's not clear if he is their father or you brought them to the relationship.

I am sure you understand that you risk walking away with nothing if you leave. So all the money you have put into 'his' house was wasted.
Without marriage, it's his.
How much have you put into it?

I am amazed and sad at how women get themselves into these situations. You've helped buy a house that isn't yours.

If you are in your 40s, where does it leave you if you split? Can you afford to buy yourself? Any savings? Decent income?

I doubt he would be fair and pay you back what you have put in.

If he doesn't want to marry you, you need to find out why.

Shedbuilder · 02/06/2021 09:13

I think it's only deceitful, OP, if you've always wanted to get married and he's from the outset said yes, he's happy to — but has then created obstacles. Sounds as if neither of you were bothered for years and then things changed eight years ago. What happened? Illness? Affair?

I've known other long-established unmarried couples split up when one wanted to marry and the other didn't. One of my work colleagues walked away from a 30-year relationship in her mid-50s because her husband refused to marry. I can remember her saying that if money mattered more to him than their relationship then that didn't say much for the value he put on her.

You say that if you left him the only fallout would be emotional, so I'm guessing from that you mean that you have your pension and enough money to provide a home and a good future for yourself. It sounds as if the children are at the kind of stage where they are pretty independent. So this is probably a good time to start again if that's what you really want to do.

I think I understand. My partner and I have been together for more than 20 years and civil partnership or marriage have never appealed. But as we get older (I'm 60) and contemplate retirement and spending the rest of our lives together I find myself wondering whether we do need to bite the bullet and have our relationship formalised in the eyes of the law. Partly because I've seen friends split in their 60s and noticed how one of them always ends up much worse off than they would have been if they'd been married: partly because I've seen the chaos caused by sudden death/ major illness when a couple weren't married and their partner had no authority to manage financial issues.

One thought. You haven't mentioned money, which makes me think that perhaps you both have plenty of it. Have you suggested to him the tax advantages of being married, so that you are well-placed to avoid Inheritance Tax? It's recently dawned on me that although I'm far from wealthy, if I was run over by a bus tomorrow my estate would be hit by IHT — whereas if we were married my partner would inherit everything with no IHT. The other thing, if you decide to stay together but not marry, is that you both need to organise Power of Attorney, so that if one of you develops dementia or has a stroke or whatever, the other can legally take over the running of financial affairs. Good luck.

I've known other long-established unmarried couples split up when one wanted to marry and the other didn't. One of my work colleagues walked away from a 30-year relationship in her mid-50s because her husband refused to marry. I can remember her saying that if money mattered more to him than their relationship then that didn't say much for the value he put on her.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2021 09:13

He is a selfish person. Has he considered that you would have no right to stay in the home you have into for so many years if he died tomorrow.

He can write a will and leave it to the OP.

IEat · 02/06/2021 09:14

I strongly believe that if marriages are to happen they would have . No one is too busy every single day of the year to have a wedding for day or half a day (depending on your preference)

Shedbuilder · 02/06/2021 09:15

Whoops! Spot the crap cut and paste job fail...

JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2021 09:16

@Shedbuilder Who owns the house you have with your partner?
You each need wills, you need to appoint each other as the beneficiary of any pensions, you need to get a POA so you can make financial and health decisions for each other if you get dementia (and you don't need to be related to the person who has a POA.)