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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

337 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:33

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:48

He owns the house and yes @giletrouge I am free to leave with little upset other than emotional. His response when I said I felt duped was that he has never said he won’t marry but he won’t be blackmailed. My response was that I’ve waited long enough for you to make your mind up. I can’t live in limbo forever and I’ve been more than reasonable up to this point.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/06/2021 07:49

Do you have any savings to buy your own house?

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:50

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

If your relationship is otherwise good I think yabu. I can never understand why anyone would throw away a good relationship jist because they don't have a peive of paper that states you are legally bound together. I don't particularly want to get married. I thought j did when I met dp, we got engaged, but we have never taken it any further than a proposal. I don't think either of us are bothered anymore.
You see to me the ‘piece of paper’ argument is daft. First, it’s actually a legal contract and second, if the reluctant partner thinks it’s ‘just a piece of paper’ then why not sign it?? Especially if it is so important to the person you say you love?
OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2021 07:51

It sounds like he's strung you along. Inferring you'll be married eventually. Really thinking its never going to happen. Never being honest. Yanbu to leave.

Ignore the posters who lack all comprehension this morning.

Has he said why he doesnt want to get married?

I'd do what a pp said about registering your claim to live in the house. Immediately.

giletrouge · 02/06/2021 07:52

@Unlovedandinsecure

He owns the house and yes *@giletrouge* I am free to leave with little upset other than emotional. His response when I said I felt duped was that he has never said he won’t marry but he won’t be blackmailed. My response was that I’ve waited long enough for you to make your mind up. I can’t live in limbo forever and I’ve been more than reasonable up to this point.
He won't be blackmailed - this means he wants all the control. I agree you've been more than reasonable. Time to do what's right for you and stop waiting for him to change - he's not going to, I think. Flowers
Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:52

I should say as well, I have zero interest in a wedding, would be more than happy popping into the registry office just us two. Don’t even want a proposal and/or ring. It’s the marriage I want and the security that brings.

Yes, I know we could split at any point down the line but we’ve already been together longer than most marriages last 😂

OP posts:
CassandraTrotter · 02/06/2021 07:53

@Unlovedandinsecure

Yes, I contribute to the house as I work full time and when the kids were younger I took on the childcare and worked part time.

I’m a believer in being financially independent as far as it’s possible to be as you never know what’s round the corner.

Are you financially independent though? Can you walk out today into a house you own, having been paying off that mortgage for as long as you and your partner have his? Has your career not been affect, as his wouldn't have, with you being part time and not him? Have you continued throughout to contribute at a full timer’s rate into your pension?

You've learnt the very, very hard way why women without their own assets are told repeatedly on mumsnet not to have children / go part-time / give up work without the legal protection of marriage.

I'd be speaking to a solicitor as soon a possible.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/06/2021 07:53

Why would he marry you? He owns a house and if you were to split up unmarried he knows he will keep it. If he marries you he knows he will lose half of it.
I certainly wouldn't get married under those circumstances and never will, I don't want to lose half my house to a man.
You are basically stuffed and I would suggest you do not under any circumstances pay the mortgage, bills or upkeep on a house that you do not own. Use your money for food, the children, your own pension and savings.

5zeds · 02/06/2021 07:53

So you’ve raised his children and contributed to the mortgage without owning it? Shock WHY?
How long do you have to run on his mortgage? You do realise you’ve been throwing money and time away?

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2021 07:54

I agree. This isnt blackmail. He wants to keep you in line from his position of control.

A good partner wants to find compromise, be honest.

CassandraTrotter · 02/06/2021 07:55

@Unlovedandinsecure

I should say as well, I have zero interest in a wedding, would be more than happy popping into the registry office just us two. Don’t even want a proposal and/or ring. It’s the marriage I want and the security that brings.

Yes, I know we could split at any point down the line but we’ve already been together longer than most marriages last 😂

That's exactly what he doesn't want though. He doesn't want you to have those legal bits. My friend had a religious wedding years ago. Her husband has always said no point to the legal wedding. She started building up her own assets and now owns a portfolio of rental properties. Guess who wants a legal marriage now!
Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:55

@giletrouge I agree with all of that and thanks 😊

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 02/06/2021 07:56

@Unlovedandinsecure

He owns the house and yes *@giletrouge* I am free to leave with little upset other than emotional. His response when I said I felt duped was that he has never said he won’t marry but he won’t be blackmailed. My response was that I’ve waited long enough for you to make your mind up. I can’t live in limbo forever and I’ve been more than reasonable up to this point.
So you’ve contributed to the house with no protection. The first thing you need to do is try to establish legally a beneficial interest in the house, having lived there so long and contributed to it.

This is why he won’t marry you OP - so that if you split he doesn’t have to split the house with you.

Do you have enough to buy somewhere of your own?

Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 07:57

@CassandraTrotter yes, that’s what I’ve concluded - it’s the sharing of assets with me that he baulks at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 08:00

I hope your friend told him where to go!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlovedandinsecure · 02/06/2021 08:01

No, I don’t have savings enough to buy anywhere, sadly. That’s yet another reason I pushed for an honest answer, so I am clear in my mind as to what I need to do going forward.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2021 08:04

You need a lawyer to see if you have any claim on the house. This could all escalate very quickly so tread carefully. Or consider counselling.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/06/2021 08:04

If he won't marry you at least get your name on the mortgage. If he won't agree to that then you know the real reason he won't marry you.

DrSbaitso · 02/06/2021 08:09

[quote Unlovedandinsecure]@CassandraTrotter yes, that’s what I’ve concluded - it’s the sharing of assets with me that he baulks at.[/quote]
Mean with money, mean with love.

He's been happy to take your money and your love for years and years but hates the idea of reciprocating. Not even to get you on the house deeds.

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Beefcurtains79 · 02/06/2021 08:14

He’s stringing you along and hoping that you’ll be so hurt/embarrassed that you’ll shut up about it. I’m so sorry, I know how much it hurts it happened to my friend and it destroyed her confidence, he used to say he wouldn’t be ‘blackmailed’ and would say the more she brought it up the less likely he was to propose.
It’s a really horrible thing to do to someone, just keeping your partner in limbo, giving them just enough hope so that they don’t leave.

5zeds · 02/06/2021 08:17

Ask to be put on the deeds. If he won’t stop contributing and put your money into savings till you have enough to buy your own place or he agrees to your name going on the deeds so you can put the money into the house.

wishingitwasfriday · 02/06/2021 08:19

@Unlovedandinsecure

Hi *@Aprilx* what I mean by deceitful is that he never said no when we had the first conversation and said he would do it in his own time. I think the last 8yrs have been time enough to make a decision and he is still dithering. I don’t believe he doesn’t know his own mind, he does but won’t say it out loud as he doesn’t want me to leave.

Has he been honest I could have decided whether to spend the rest of my life with him unmarried or cut my losses and find someone who wants the same thing as me.

So now is the time to make that decision. I would say that him not agreeing to marriage 8years ago pretty much sets out his thoughts on it. Now the kids are grow it probably seems a waste of time to him to get married and, as a pp has said, if the sexes were revered then the advice would be for the woman to not marry.

If you stay then you need to own the house 50/50 and also have something worked out that, should he die, you get to stay there until your death and then it goes to the kids. At the moment, if something were to happen to him, you'd be on shaky ground with no claim to the house.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 02/06/2021 08:20

If he loved you he would want to protect you, both in life and death.

Currently if he dies tomorrow you are entitled to zero.

Nothing from him, nothing from the government, nothing from his pensions, it's (legally speaking) as if you don't exist in his life (unless he has life assurance or legal documents naming you as the beneficiary and even that can be challenged).

A quick trip to the registry office would resolve that.

The same goes for him if you pass.

People don't like speaking about death, but when you have children you WANT to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, why wouldn't he want to secure that for both you and them?

I think you're doing the right thing about leaving him and I also think you should explain to the children why. You love your dad but he doesn't love you enough to commit to you legally.

TatianaBis · 02/06/2021 08:24

It’s so sad to see yet another women in this situation.

Worldgonecrazy · 02/06/2021 08:25

Have you both written wills? It’s not as simple as you get the house if he dies intestate.

Maybe if you approach it from that angle it would feel less ‘grabby’ to him. I don’t think you are actually grabby but he may think differently.

You should seek legal advice on how to protect yourself as you are very exposed. If he loves you surely he wouldn’t want to risk leaving you and the kids with nothing? If he turns out to be a wanker who values his house more than the kids, run as fast as you can and be grateful you got away so cheap.