Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

337 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:33

Unlovedandinsecure

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:
SengaMac · 02/06/2021 09:16

as a pp has said, if the sexes were reversed then the advice would be for the woman to not marry.

If it had been a complete reverse, and the guy had been main carer & worked p/t as OP has done, would that woman not be told that she was being selfish and was treating her partner unfairly?

DreamingNow · 02/06/2021 09:16

@JinglingHellsBells

He is a selfish person. Has he considered that you would have no right to stay in the home you have into for so many years if he died tomorrow.

He can write a will and leave it to the OP.

He can also change his will wo telling the OP....
Eddielzzard · 02/06/2021 09:17

Well done for making a stand.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2021 09:18

@Shedbuilder have you checked the IHT figures? Isn't it £350K per person? Is that half the value of your house or your house and savings? I think you need legal advice on all of this.

Akire · 02/06/2021 09:19

I imagine if he had said to OP I don’t want get married but of course you have a share in the home you helped pay for and in my will it all goes to you. It would significantly help the situation. It seems he doesn’t want marry (fair enough) but doesn’t want look after her share of the home she helped build.

Velvian · 02/06/2021 09:19

@JinglingHellsBells of course he can, but I doubt very much that he will. If they break up, he is unlikely to leave his house to her is he?

It is all dependent on OP doing his bidding with no financial security at all. It is shitty, duplicitous behaviour. How many women believe in 'common law marriage' and how did that myth come about and for what purpose?

RikkiTikkiTavvi · 02/06/2021 09:25

When you moved in together, and/or had children together was there any discussion of putting your name on the mortgage/deeds? If the answer is ‘no’ then, that’s fine, save/invest what you would have put towards the mortgage instead. Why, after so long, is this only now becoming an issue of marriage to protect yourself if you split? That’s not what marriage should be about. I could advocate all women do all they can to protect themselves financially regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not.
Marriage, for me anyway, is a non-sequitur. There are other, almost better, ways of protecting your rights, particularly as a woman.

GalaxyGirl24 · 02/06/2021 09:26

I feel for you OP, I imagine that when kids come along first it's hard to find the time, let alone headspace , to consider other big events like marriage.

I would either be discussing this again and explaining the reasons why you want to get married. If not, I'd stop paying towards the mortgage and let him know that you're doing this because you want to save for the future as you don't necessarily have the legal protection of marriage. It's not unfair to him really as you sound like you've been the main carer for the children and also, I would agree that in some ways if he knew marriage was important then yes it is deceitful as he should've said ASAP.

My parents didn't get married until I was a teenager, they had neither the time nor money to until that point.

LittleBearPad · 02/06/2021 09:29

@JinglingHellsBells

He is a selfish person. Has he considered that you would have no right to stay in the home you have into for so many years if he died tomorrow.

He can write a will and leave it to the OP.

Yes and then change his will as soon as he likes.

There’s also IHT liability which isn’t a factor for married couples.

Establish whether you can make a claim on the house OP. He’s been pretty selfish.

ViceLikeBlip · 02/06/2021 09:30

So basically, he wants you to continue paying into his house indefinitely, without ever having any rights over it? I think you're making the right decision to walk away from that.

Pyewackect · 02/06/2021 09:30

@GabriellaMontez

It sounds like he's strung you along. Inferring you'll be married eventually. Really thinking its never going to happen. Never being honest. Yanbu to leave.

Ignore the posters who lack all comprehension this morning.

Has he said why he doesnt want to get married?

I'd do what a pp said about registering your claim to live in the house. Immediately.

If you are not married and the house is in his sole name then you have no claim on that property what-so-ever. Not in the UK anyway.

I hope you have somewhere else to live.

mobear · 02/06/2021 09:33

I am in a similar situation but once DC was born I made sure my name was on the house we had insurance in place to cover the mortgage in the event of DP’s death. I still think it’s a bit of a silly situation though as from a tax perspective we’d be better off now and after one of us dies if we were married (IHT) - but it’s his choice. Having said that, as your DP has not provided you with any sort of financial security or met you in the middle, YANBU.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/06/2021 09:42

He’s a right prick. Fancy accepting your money towards the house without putting you on the deeds. Who does that??
I agree that if you can prove your contribution to the mortgage then you may have a claim on the house.

Do you have a plan OP? I would get some legal advice about a potential claim then plan to leave. Tell him the legal advice you have received and suggest that he just pay you out rather than going to court and spending a fortune on legal costs.

You need to start building up your own assets even if you decide not to leave. That means no more money towards the house I’d also suggest that he is responsible for all bills until you have saved an amount equal to the amount you have put into the house for your own needs.

Sorry this has happened to you

LindaEllen · 02/06/2021 09:43

Sorry but I think YABU. You have older children, so why have you not wanted to get married before this point? If he hasn't proposed for the decades you've been together, would that not have been a hint to you that he didn't want to get married?

Not everyone wants to marry. It doesn't mean they don't love their partner, or that they plan to leave them.

It seems unfair to me that after decades together and not even suggesting marriage, you suddenly decide that now is the time and he has to go along with it.

Summersnake · 02/06/2021 09:43

My friend was in your situation,they separated,she went to a solicitor and she was awarded £40 grand from the sale of the house .they had been together 14 years ,and had 2 children,and she worked partime.
My advice would be
Don’t leave the house
Stop doing anything for him that you would do if you were married,
He’s already got his cake and he’s eating it ,right now he’s nothing to gain by being married,
So tell him you want a break from the relationship to think things through,get legal advice .
He needs to feel how it would be without you there doing what you do ,hopefully this might make him think he does want to be married .

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2021 09:50

A solicitor would be able to advise you if you may be able to establish a beneficial interest in the property. Legal advice could be very useful.

Even shelter have a bit of info about this.

@Pyewackect are you a lawyer with all the OPs financial details? No? Then maybe giving legal advice isnt a good idea.

Summersnake · 02/06/2021 09:50

I wonder how many women on this thread
Nicely tucked away at home ,married
Yet telling the op she’s being unreasonable,because she didn’t push for it earlier????
Lots of women don’t want to push for marriage,they want to be wanted ,they wait for their man to ask ,
They drop hints ,he makes noises saying ,yeah we will ,but the day never happens
Then you wake up one morning ,kids are older and you’ve spent years paying in to a house you don’t own ,because you trusted the man you had kids with ,to want what’s best for you ..

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2021 09:51

@LindaEllen

Sorry but I think YABU. You have older children, so why have you not wanted to get married before this point? If he hasn't proposed for the decades you've been together, would that not have been a hint to you that he didn't want to get married?

Not everyone wants to marry. It doesn't mean they don't love their partner, or that they plan to leave them.

It seems unfair to me that after decades together and not even suggesting marriage, you suddenly decide that now is the time and he has to go along with it.

RTFT
minipie · 02/06/2021 10:04

If you are not married and the house is in his sole name then you have no claim on that property what-so-ever. Not in the UK anyway.

Not true, unmarried partners can sometimes claim a share in the house if they have been contributing to it financially (or in kind, eg providing extensive DIY/free childcare) and especially if they have been promised it will be shared with them in due course and they relied on that promise to their detriment, eg did not buy their own house. It’s not a simple claim but it is possible.

starrynight21 · 02/06/2021 10:06

Lots of women don’t want to push for marriage,they want to be wanted ,they wait for their man to ask ,They drop hints ,he makes noises saying ,yeah we will ,but the day never happens

Is this 2021 or 1950 ? Must women still "wait for their man to ask?"

When we'd been together for a few years - no kids - I just told DH " I think we should get married". He agreed, we had a quick register office service and off we went. It isn't hard !

I can't agree that there is any time in your life when you'd be too busy / too involved with the kids to just say it's time to get married and to go and get a quick marriage at a register office.

It's a bit late after 20 years to suddenly realise that you should have done this at the start.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/06/2021 10:07

I don't understand anybody having children with someone who doesn't love them enough to marry them.
There is a reason why it is traditional to get married and set up home together before having children.

Kokeshi123 · 02/06/2021 10:10

Lots of women don’t want to push for marriage,they want to be wanted ,they wait for their man to ask ,They drop hints ,he makes noises saying ,yeah we will ,but the day never happens

Am I missing something? If the guy refuses to commit after a certain amout of time, a sensible woman WALKS, and she certainly doesn't start getting pregnant with his children while dropping hints and hoping that he'll change his mind.

Kokeshi123 · 02/06/2021 10:12

I don't get the idea of being "traditional" enough to want to wait passively for an unprompted proposal, but not traditional enough to stand your ground and insist on legal commitment before having children.

ZooKeeper19 · 02/06/2021 10:14

@Unlovedandinsecure I have read the thread. I think you are correct and all but here is my question. If he came home tomorrow and asked you to marry him, would you want to?

Yes it is a safety net, yes it is a legal matter, yes it is practical (you are speaking to someone who signed the marriage deed in a casual T-shirt and went to a pub for lunch afterwards, so I get that).

But the question here is the relationship with him, it seems to me from what you said, that the relationship is not worth staying in. Someone said if he loves you, he would want you and the kids to be protected and this resonates. He does not love you. He does not care what happens to you or the kids. He only cares about himself and his assets (perhaps forgetting that we all end up 6 feet under no matter the wealth we leave behind).

So my advice would be get legal advice soon, and think long and hard about what is his benefit to your life. If you ask him to be put on the house deed, what will his reaction be? Will he gaslight you saying "I knew it, you only wanted my money, I was right not to marry you in the first place", or not?

Pyewackect · 02/06/2021 10:20

@GabriellaMontez

A solicitor would be able to advise you if you may be able to establish a beneficial interest in the property. Legal advice could be very useful.

Even shelter have a bit of info about this.

@Pyewackect are you a lawyer with all the OPs financial details? No? Then maybe giving legal advice isnt a good idea.

To do that you have to prove that following an injection of capital/cash into the property you did so believing that there was an agreement or understanding that this was in return for a beneficial interest in the property and therefore you expect to receive this capital back when the relationship breaks down. So, you have to prove you have been paying all or part of the mortgage on a regular basis , direct debit for example. Covering the cost of running a domestic property , ultility bills etc is seen as part of living expense. You can't live rent free and then expect to establish an interest unless you have injected cash into the property. But hey, what do I know ?. Go and see a solicitior but listen to what they have to say, carefully !.