In-laws overstaying their welcome

[Chloe1973]

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

This sounds really challenging, of course you're not being unreasonable. 3 months is a really long time and everyone knows that if you're a longer term guest in someone's house it's polite to make yourself scarce from time to time and leave the host some breathing space - sitting in the living room commandeering the tv would be too much for anyone. Do they have the financial means to stay in an air bnb or similar, or would your DH not agree to that?

@eatingpopcorn thank you x they don't have the money and my husband wouldn't agree to it as he wants them here as he says that he really misses them.

How old are the kids?

I honk you need to leave them to it and go out as much as possible.

Let your DH cook their tea and see to their needs.

How do you talk about this with your DH? You start of describing them by saying "they are lovely people" then you go on to list a bunch of things that are decidedly not lovely at all. Are they lovely people who very occasionally blunder a little, or are they actually just pretty rotten to you with occasional patches of being somewhat bearable?

Because 3 months is generally too long to have people stay even if you like them, but if they are actually treating you badly when they come then I wonder, does your DH know that they treat you badly, and does he care?

What's your marriage like more generally? Why does your DH think he gets to dictate something like this without any compromise?

@BluebellsGreenbells kids are 6 and 14 years old. Yes that's what I've been doing tbh as I can't stay in the house all day with them.

Are you or your DH out at work during the day while they're there?
I'm guessing he is and you're not?? So he is only really having to deal with them half the time, whereas you're there the whole day & night with them. Not sure what the solution is though, sorry OP - but I don't think you're being unreasonable & I completely understand your need for space.

@NumberTheory it's the same every year. I believe that they are nice people who have some old school views on life and relationships. They have apologised and said that they are still learning. My relationship with my DH is good and he is very supportive of me in general but wants his parents around to see the kids etc He does pressure me to accept that his parents have to come to stay whilst they are here and my parents, although they understand how I feel agree that they should stay for his sake.

@RonSwansonsChair we both wfh. This time he is doing most of the hosting as this has been a bone of contention in the past

Book a holiday with your friends. Leave them to it. You need a break.

[quote Chloe1973]@RonSwansonsChair we both wfh. This time he is doing most of the hosting as this has been a bone of contention in the past [/quote]
Good, glad he's stepping up!

(Sorry for my sexist assumption!!)

How do your kids feel about them staying so long? My kids would hate it after a week.

I couldn’t live that way. I can only handle house guests for brief spurts. They essentially live with you three months of the year. I’m far too much of an introvert for that arrangement. It my DH wanted me to agree to that arrangement, it would have kept me from marrying him.

Op, I completely understand. Mil is similar and there is simply no question about length of time or where she will stay. I realised a long time ago that I needed to accept it ans roll with it or my relationship would die.

Having said that, rolling with it does not mean rolling over. Here are the things that have worked for me:

I am hospitable and helpful but I do not adjust my life for her. I cook meals as normal, run life with my usual routine etc.

Dh is responsible for her. I get on quite well with her actually and will happily chat or enjoy a glass of wine or spend a day with her but... I will not be sucked into sorting her out or ensuring she is happy. I am supportive and helpful but only in as much as it is convenient to me. Eg if she is visiting sil and needs collecting and its convenient, I will collect her. But I will not delay children's bedtime, adjust my work schedule etc to suit her.

She is in my house for a long time so I continue to.gice myself.time out as normal. It might be that I disappear to bedroom to watch TV rather than remain in lounge but I 100% feel no need to entertain her.

After her last trip, I have added a line in the sand whereby dh has to be more considerate of the dc. Because she is very demanding of his time and the d were starting to get upset that they could never do anything with dh as 5 minutes in she is asking him for something.

I probably sound heartless but I really am not. But for me to survive having someone else in my home for that long against my will has required very strict boundaries.

Your in-laws are living with you 25% of the time. That's really not acceptable or appropriate in most marriages unless it's something you and your husband both actively want.

@Myglassishalfempty my kids love it especially after the pandemic where they haven't been able to see family

@Castlepeak I hear that. I really didn't consider that this would be the expectation as they never stayed with us in the early days.

@SpaceOp thank you for the good advice. I absolutely do all of those things but it's just the constant presents in the house. They are always there from the money I wake up to the time I go to sleep, Like I can't walk around in my dressing gown for the whole day if I wanted to lol or when making food / drinks for myself or the kids I always have to offer. I'm just tired after the pandemic and am trying to get my life back to some sort of normality. I just feel a bit claustrophobic as I never get time alone as it is.

@ThuggeryAffair agreed and it's starting to make me feel resentful as I have no control over this situation my own home. I really thought that they would hand felt my vibe and decide to leave for a while... but as my mum said, DH is probably telling them that he would love them to stay for as long as possible

THREE MONTHS of EVERY year?

Bloody hell.

I could do 3 months of my MIL here full-time if it was an emergency one-off never to be repeated - a house move or building work or medical recovery.

Or I could host her regularly every year for an extended period of time (2-3 weeks).

But not a quarter of every year.

They should go stay with friends after 2-3 weeks to give you a break. Or take a trip with your husband and the kids somewhere on holiday. Or both. Or your husband’s brother should take them on holiday with him. Etc.

Your husband is being monumentally selfish under the guise of ‘never getting to see them’. He actually sees them WAY more than most adult men would see their parents.

I would have a re-establishment of the rules: no more than 3 weeks in a stretch; you book some time away for a break yourself; your husband takes them away for a break. No more than 6-8 weeks in total at your house.

Three months must be unbearable, it's a very long time. Can the amount of time not be shortened next time, maybe 4-6 weeks?

I find it odd that they just sit in the house and watch tv, they can do that at home. Why don't they do more with the kids? I imagine the kids are the main reason they come after all

Does your DH not take himself and the DC to visit them? Who moved countries - your DH and his brother or your ILs retiring abroad?

Sound utterly unbearable OP.

That’s ridiculous, your husband just putting his wants before yours for a quarter of the year. Cute suggestions of ‘go to a hotel!’ or whatever- for three months?? Nah. If your husband is worth tolerating this home invasion and genuinely caters for his parents every day in every way, then just live your life in your home, wear what you want, cook for yourself and your kids, let your husband enjoy the work that comes with having unpaying lodgers.

@CommanderBurnham thanks I really do

@NoSquirrels I absolutely agree with everything that you have said