In-laws overstaying their welcome

[Chloe1973]

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

[quote Chloe1973]@SpaceOp thank you for the good advice. I absolutely do all of those things but it's just the constant presents in the house. They are always there from the money I wake up to the time I go to sleep, Like I can't walk around in my dressing gown for the whole day if I wanted to lol or when making food / drinks for myself or the kids I always have to offer. I'm just tired after the pandemic and am trying to get my life back to some sort of normality. I just feel a bit claustrophobic as I never get time alone as it is.[/quote]
Oh, I completely hear you on this. MIL does go to SIL's house for a bit which helps. But I'm always a bit bemused because when my parents visit (for much shorter periods) they always want to be out and about doing stuff. With each other or with us so I find it really odd. If both your PIL are around it's a real pity that they don't have any interest in doing anything.

I have been known to organise activities for MIL and DH/SIL/DC. As a family, they're not great at thinking about days out and organising but they don't mind doing it if someone else comes up with the idea. I also tell DH that he has to include his mother ons tuff and take her places eg if he's taking the DC to soft play he should take her along too as she's supposed to be here to see the DGC.

But I deeply deeply sympathise. We have a lovely large bedroom which is a saviour for me!

No, that is not acceptable.

It is your home and your sanctuary just as much as it is his.

He does not get to be the dictator in your home.

You have an equal 50/50 relationship and therefore you each get equal say. If he says yes and you say no then a compromise must be found.

This would be a marriage killer for most relationships, I really cannot see how he does not recognise that.

You married him to live with HIM, not his parents 🤦‍♀️

Is this cultural? Are they from India? In which case I think you’ll have a dreadful battle on your hands

I can only echo what the others have said but it won’t be easy. You have my sympathies.

Have you got the funds or space to make a small self contained living space in the garden- some sort of Grannie annex? Is that a solution?

Are your parents around OP? Have you pointed out if they did the same that would be half a year taken up with parents visiting.

A quarter of your life! Thsts completely unreasonable. That's not visiting thats living with you just not all the time.
In which case I think you need some house rules. You can't treat them like guests when they are housemates. Eg buy an extra fridge and put it in the garage or their room, they buy their own drinks and snacks and meals in the week and your husband cooks for them at weekends. You make your own plans for Saturdays and family time every other sunday. You need some time alone as a family so they need to make themselves scarce eg go and see friends twice a week or whatever. You need to treat them as housemates rather than family visiting. Then it's fine to do your own thing, it's still a pain but you wont feel guilty about not offering them a drink etc

Unbearable.

What would happen if you decide to walk around topless or naked? (When the kids aren't around)?

What if you just ignore them, like they aren't there at all? Literally blank them. Do what you want.

Are you expected to host and entertain, clean up and make their meals?

You need to find their weak spot.. make their stay as miserable and uncomfortable as they make your life. Are they allergic to any animals? Hate certain smells or food? Etc...

Three months is completely ridiculous and your DH is taking the piss because he’s not considering your feelings in this at all. It’s all about what suits HIM and HIS PARENTS.

The fact that your parents are supporting this ridiculous nonsense suggests to me that you are all from the same culture, where the wife is considered subservient to the husband and his family?

We live abroad from our adult kids and I’d stay a week at most with any of them as we’re all adults and everyone needs their space. We live in a touristy place so it’s best when they hire a car and can do their own thing during the daytime, when they come to visit us.

I can’t imagine being married to someone who actually puts their parents wishes before their partner.

Is this truly a marriage worth staying in?

Three months is a really long time so I utterly sympathise. However, it sounds like it’s really important to your DH and your kids love it. If I had wanted my mum to come and stay with me for 3 months a year when our DC were young, I would have hated it if my DH had tried to forbid it.

So, here is what you could try- STOP caring what they think of you- just do your own thing. Don’t feel you have to entertain them - hand them the remote and get on with whatever you want to do. Tell them ‘when you are here you are part of the family not guests so help yourselves to drinks, food etc in between meals’. Be blunt with them ‘did you hear what I said, FIL because I asked you something and you ignored me!’ Basically just start treating them like they are your own parents and don’t worry about offending them. Also don’t be afraid to go out, go for a nap and sit in the garden with a book. You cannot have guests for 3 months, that is exhausting, you just have to see it as having extra family around for that long.

If they seem to expect to be treated like guests, that is definitely another conversation with DH

Woah. Three months is a long time. Mil lived in nz and came for 6 weeks just after Dd was born. I was horrendously anxious about this which I think brought Dds birth forwards a bit…! So when mil arrived she was 3 weeks old.

But mil was great. Because I’d had issues bf Dd was ff and mil used to sneak into our room early morning and take Dd in with her to let me sleep a bit (and enjoy morning snuggles with her only granddaughter!) then ds joined them. A couple of days I got up and found all three of them snuggled up together snoozing. So lovely.

Mil helped out with ds took him out etc and was a massive help.

Sadly I don’t get the same sort of vibe from your ils. My thinking is if they’re staying for that long it’s not a holiday for you. Just go about your daily life. Make plans. Go out (obviousky within restrictions…). Use them for childcare date nights with dh etc.

Wow my cousin went to visit their DS and family for 3 weeks recently after missing them for so long during lockdown and I thought that was too long.

Not sure what to say - loads of good advice on the thread - I guess I'd try to live my life and make sure the DCs keep doing things whilst they are there.

A week or two you should grin and bear it but 3 bloody months? A quarter of your life for the forseeable future? No way OP! YADNBU.

No way! Three weeks would be borderline ok, but three months is insane! If they want to return to the U.K. every year then they need to budget for that. It’s completely unreasonable to stay for so long. Your DH sounds a big baby for wanting it.

I’d speak to him and tell him. I’d also politely tell your PILs too - that you like having them to stay but that 3 months is far too long and they need to find alternatives. I wouldn’t compromise my life for them for all that time unless it was a one-off emergency situation.

OP I feel for you. So much.

Similar experience here for many years, though not quite so intense. ILs usually slept elsewhere but we’re here every single day for months, every year. Also turned up wherever we went as a family, so no escape.

I managed it for years, with escalating tension between me and DH.

Short version of solutions….

Going out, a lot, with kids, who were also fed up with constant presence of ILs cramping our lives. This involved very clear language to show that ILs were not invited - we often met friends to give that a cloak of inoffense.

Consistent absolute freedom for DH to choose to spend the time with his parents instead of with us, with zero judgement or snide. It was always his choice.

Tricky conversations many times with DH to get him to the point of understanding that I and the kids were emotionally cramped by having his parents with us all the time, and that he was not to give them open invitations into our world at all times.

This was the tough bit and involved frank talk of “we are people too, and we are telling you we do not like this and cannot keep accepting it, and your actions are harming and hurting us”

And a couple of full crises along the way that come to mind….

They moved in while mil was poorly, and showed no signs of departing when she was well enough.

Weeks of arguments and despair later, I announced I was moving out to a youth hostel at the weekend to get some space in order to avoid total mental breakdown.

That got through, and he asked them to head back to their accommodation.

And another one where I said he was welcome to go and live them in their accommodation, with kids if he wanted, in order to spend more time with them, but that this is my home, and not theirs, and that I mattered too.

It got easier in a way when I started working from home because it gave a firm reason to keep them out, but even then I had to be really clear with DH that he was not to invite them carte Blanche for dinner every day, or hang out with them in another room of the house all day.

It came to a head when I was ill too, trapped in my own home, persecuted by visits from ILs that I expressly didn’t want and couldn’t do a thing to stop.

Hideous times.

I sympathise, enormously. Truly.

Perfect your and your kids mental well being.

OP I really feel for you. It would be bad enough if they were the most pleasant and kindest people in the world, but they're obviously difficult.

I don't have any advice except I don't think you're being unreasonable, there needs to be some give and take. I don't understand how your husband can't see this puts a strain on your relationship. If they want to come back to the U.K. for three months a year why don't they but a bolt hole?

There's nothing wrong with needing your own space and not getting under each other's feet

The big question is why do they come for 3 months ? Are they renting out their own home ? Do you go and see them and stay for a 3 week holiday. Are they using your address so that they can access the NHS etc? I’m just baffled about why they are coming over here for so long and maybe you need to find out why. I couldn’t stand 3 hours of certain relations company let alone3 months . Remember this is your home NOT theirs.

What will happen when they get older and can’t really travel or look after themselves? Would you have to visit them or would they expect to live with you permanently?

I'd seriously consider moving to a house with a big enough garden to put a cabin in it for them.

Personally I would say no. One months max, they can spend one month at the other brothers, they can always get a sofa bed in the lounge for them and if he wants to see them longer he can go stay with them, abroad, taking the kids so you get a break, that’s the three months!

YANBU

You have my absolute sympathies OP. I could not live like this (made worst because I am quite an introvert).

Could I ask whether there's a cultural element here too, which makes it even harder for you and DH to confront or manage the situation? For example, I know that in many Asian and African cultures it is very hard to do anything which is perceived as being disrespectful or against filial duty. It's very tough.

@motheroffcod those are really useful points. Especially the point about the rest of the famiy being harmed. I have made that point re the dc ahead of mil next visit but I like the language you used.

@Chloe1973 if your husband works from home, is there a reason why he couldn't visit them in their home occasionally during the year (ignoring pandemic) and work from their home?
And then they shorten their time with you?

3 months every year!

The very least your 'D'H should be doing is telling them to make themselves useful and to also do the decent thing and spend plenty of time elsewhere, even if just for regular day trips out to give you a break. If coinciding with school holidays they could take the DC out too and maybe babysit some nights so you and DH can have a night out.

Why can't they stay with you for a few weeks, then stay with BIL for a few weeks, then go and stay in a holiday cottage somewhere else for a week, maybe the lakes or Cornwall for a holiday and then come back and break their stay up with a few nights here and there in other cities for city breaks? Surely 3 months on your sofa watching TV is boring for them?

There's no way I would impose anyone on my DH for 3 months every year.

You ILs and DH are beyond selfish at this point. I truly would threaten to leave him. I would say 2 weeks or ONE MONTH tops. 3 months is well past taking the piss. Your 'D'H doesn't seem to give a damn about your needs.

This would be an LTB for me. But this site has shown me that many women are too weak to stand up for their rights so I have no doubt you will continue to endure it, be miserable and not do a thing about it, not even say one month tops.

Blimey. We used to live overseas and had this issue. We organised them mini breaks (which we paid for) within their visits just so we could get a temporary reprieve.