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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws overstaying their welcome

167 replies

Chloe1973 · 01/06/2021 22:50

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe1973 · 02/06/2021 00:41

@TailFeatherz they say that they are tired... always tired!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe1973 · 02/06/2021 00:42

@NoSquirrels they moved, we do go to see them but I prefer to stay in a hotel which causes more bother!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe1973 · 02/06/2021 00:43

@BlueButtercups it's driving me mad

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe1973 · 02/06/2021 00:44

@Carbara that sounds good but would be so hard to do

OP posts:
BlueButtercups · 02/06/2021 00:48

@Chloe1973

no wonder my lovely.. it's so unfair .. I struggle to imagine anyone who could cope with this length of visit. 🌸

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2021 00:52

If they moved surely they have to understand they don’t have a right to stay with you for 3 months (assume they didn’t live with you before they moved)

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2021 01:05

[quote Chloe1973]@NoSquirrels they moved, we do go to see them but I prefer to stay in a hotel which causes more bother!! [/quote]
Send your DH to go stay with them, taking the DC. Enjoy some peaceful alone-time at home. No one can accuse you of not being willing to see them - you host them every year anyway.

If they moved, they can’t just use your house as a base for 25% of their year. Nope. Refuse to be guilted by your DH, he’s being selfish to do so. Just because mum and dad pander to him doesn’t mean you have to!

NumberTheory · 02/06/2021 02:06

[quote Chloe1973]@NumberTheory it's the same every year. I believe that they are nice people who have some old school views on life and relationships. They have apologised and said that they are still learning. My relationship with my DH is good and he is very supportive of me in general but wants his parents around to see the kids etc He does pressure me to accept that his parents have to come to stay whilst they are here and my parents, although they understand how I feel agree that they should stay for his sake. [/quote]
That doesn't really answer the question of why your DH thinks he gets to dictate this without compromising. (And your parents should be in your corner - why on earth are they championing your DH's desires over yours? I think it's really sad they undermine you like that).

Having his parents live with you all 24/7 for 3 months a year (a quarter of your life until they die maybe more - what about when they get too old to live alone? You are being set up for them to live with you) is in no-way a reasonable adjustment for otherwise not really getting to see them. Especially if there are other people they could stay with too while still being in the vicinity and if he could go and visit them.

You can put up with this or you can put your foot down. If, as you say, they are actually lovely people and they are "trying to learn" you could put your foot down in part by setting different expectations for their behaviour while they are here. Maybe they have to spend every other weekend elsewhere (or visit friends during the week if you are at home then and your DH is out at work). They aren't to use the lounge (put a TV in their room) or they have to take the kids for x number of day trips while they're here (only if you think the kids would actually benefit from this - don't torture the kids just to free up the house for yourself!). Or they need to do mutually agreed chores. Whatever would work for you. But I think, even if you do this, you need to put your foot down over length of time too.

It is okay for you to tell your DH that it's not reasonable for them to invade your home for 3 months like this. Its okay to expect your DH to give up his desire to have them in the house for so long. It's okay to tell your DH that the visits will have to be cut to a week (or whatever you really could stomach) and that he needs to compromise because you've done enough.

DetMcNulty · 02/06/2021 02:17

That sounds unbearable! I moved far away, and my parents come every year for 2 weeks and that's more than I can stand, we're normally barely talking by the end of it. We've not seen them since the pandemic, and it's actually been a bit of a relief as the last visit was terrible. I will say as your kids get older, they will find it more difficult to tolerate too, mine are now teens and were dreading the last visit and were spending as much time as possible out the house and with friends. And it's not that they're bad people, it's just difficult for them not to treat us like children (to be fair, I also regress to my 16 year old self, with lots of slamming doors)!

Agree with others, your DH needs to find some sort of compromise, can the BIL not step up somewhat? Can you break up with a holiday in the middle? How would he cope if your parents were to stay that long?

OdiousPeopleEverywhere · 02/06/2021 02:22

3 months a year!? That's like going to see the in-laws 90 times a year, but worse because there's no respite! I wouldn't even want to see mine a third of that, or a sixth.

Probably not helpful, but I would divorce. I actually would.

lemmein · 02/06/2021 02:24

God I couldn't put up with even my closest friends for 3 months every yearConfused Seriously OP, you're not unreasonable at all to have a problem with this. Your DH should be more considerate of your feelings and actually, so should your PILs. You'd have to be really dense to believe it's ok to impose yourself onto others for a quarter of the year, every year. What are they thinking? Don't they miss their own home/country?

Absolutely no chance would I put up with this!

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 02/06/2021 02:38

Three months a year is completely ridiculous! I live on the opposite side of the world to my mum, and the last time she stayed a month was quite long enough for everyone. And I hadn't seen her for a few years!

timeisnotaline · 02/06/2021 02:40

Absolutely unfuckingbearable

alexdgr8 · 02/06/2021 03:16

could you go to stay with your parents for a while, and his parents can help with the children. say you are giving them space.
i feel really sorry for you.
something has to change.

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/06/2021 04:23

Is the day they leave the happiest day of your year? Only because it’s the longest time till they arrive again!! 3 months, EVERY year, speechless....almost🥴

LavenderHills · 02/06/2021 05:10

I know this is drastic, but I genuinely think I would leave him. The situation sounds absolutely unbearable.

Birminghambloke · 02/06/2021 05:25

I could understand this arrangement more if they were pro active and active- visiting others, engaging with the children etc. However to spend three months glued to the tv in your living room? No. Just no. They can do that anywhere. I would hate anyone, no matter how close I was to them, invading my home for three months. Three weeks staying in one place is long enough for an annual visit. Your DH surely can’t like their company in his home that much? More likely some form of guilt or duty, eased by the fact his life is normal apart from the home invasion, where he’ll be more used to their ways than you. I’ve just done a three night stay with my family- plenty of time to catch up and enjoy company!

KangarooSally · 02/06/2021 05:26

Some solutions

  • Get a caravan and put it in your garden. Hook up power so you can put a TV in there. And water for toilet and shower. If they want to watch TV all day they can do it in the caravan. They would only need to come in if they actually want to speak to you, do something with the kids, or for meals.
  • go on several holidays while they're here. Some with the kids some with your friends. Minimise the amount of time you have to be there.
  • Your DH should go visit them for at least half that time. He can take the kids. Then you only have to see them 1.5 months at most. Combined with the above you'll hardly have to see them at all!
SummerWhisper · 02/06/2021 05:35

They are saving a nice amount of money on their bills - do they contribute to food or bills? If not, that's where you need to start making changes. Ask them to supply their own meals or pay a small rental fee upfront. Try to make their living space self-contained as suggested - TV etc. But make sure it's set up so they have to be self-sufficient and pay their way. The visits could soon diminish in length. Tell DH that's your compromise otherwise it's no longer going ahead. He really needs to hear your unhappiness. He is putting himself and his parents way above his family. Your only other option is to just ignore them and live your life as you wish, be pleasant but don't engage with them. Husband does everything including their washing, cooking etc. None of them have made this arrangement with you, so you don't need to buy into it anymore. Another option of course is to have loads of friends round all the time and reclaim your space. Have A LOT of parties. Have a lot of kid's parties, too Grin

Nothingyet · 02/06/2021 05:40

I couldn't do it. I had a BIL stay for 3 months (it was open-ended as he was buying a house) a few years ago, I hinted and hinted and in the end got drunk, angry and told him to F--- off.
If my wife imposed someone again, we would definitely split up.

Nothingyet · 02/06/2021 05:42

@LavenderHills

I know this is drastic, but I genuinely think I would leave him. The situation sounds absolutely unbearable.
Not drastic, wife and I would split up if I had to put up with this again. Your home is your home. We are not teenagers house sharing, we've been there, done that.
BigHeadBertha · 02/06/2021 05:46

I think this is way, way, way too much.

I think after this visit (if it's already arranged or they're already there) your husband needs to think of a nice way to tell them that it's not going to work for you anymore, and tell them what will (About five days would be my limit).

If he refuses, then to me, the next step would be marriage counseling. There seem to be a couple of issues here that no progress is being made on, so perhaps a deeper look into it will resolve it. His disregarding your wishes on a major issue that should be a joint decision, for one thing. And perhaps his inability to stand up to his parents as well.

TheHoundsofLove · 02/06/2021 05:48

It sounds utterly unbearable. 3 months is more than anyone would be able to cope with. I'm not in the UK so our parents come for a week at a time - tbh, I find that is more than enough and we're usually getting on each other's nerves (sometimes quite badly) by the end of it. The thought of 3 months is making me feel anxious. The only way that sort of arrangement could work would be to have a proper granny annex with its own front door. I really think you need to lay it on the line and say that you simply can't cope with this anymore.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/06/2021 06:01

Does their stay coincide with extremely hot summer/hurricane season/other extreme weather in their resident country by any chance?

If they want to spend 3 months a year in the UK they need to find their own base... 1 bed flat, caravan, tent... It's not fair to impose on others for that time. I love my parents and in laws, but after a week/20 days I need space!

StoppinBy · 02/06/2021 06:06

I too would split with my husband if this happened.

3 MONTHS!!! That's crazy! It the same as 45 full weekends a year.....which would also drive me crazy by the way.

It's a HUGE YANBU from me.