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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws overstaying their welcome

167 replies

Chloe1973 · 01/06/2021 22:50

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
Harmonypuss · 04/06/2021 11:02

@SpaceOp

You've definitely got the right idea on how to deal with long-term visitors.

I'm pretty sure you do this but didn't put it in your post but if someone was staying with me for any extended period I would be making sure they knew that I expected them to help around the house, run the vacuum around, help with the cooking, do their own washing etc. I would also expect a contribution to the cost of the food too, NO-ONE can expect to stay away from their own home for more than a day or two without paying for their food and if you want to get down to it toilet paper and shower gel, etc. I'm not a charity.

Myself, I visit my son at his partner's home when my son is visiting back in Birmingham (he works in Hull),I only live 7 miles from there so don't stay over but every time I go I actually take something for all 3 of us to have for our evening meal with me because I don't expect them to feed me.

This works really well for us, I provide the food, son's partner cooks and my son does the washing up. This way with my son and I both being 'visitors' we're both helping out in some small way which is the way I believe things should be.

haymade · 04/06/2021 11:09

OMG, 3 months?? I'm tearing my hair out after 3 days with the in laws! I'm so glad we moved to a smaller house that can't accommodate them!

Your husband needs to realise that this is a big ask, too much of an ask to be honest. It might have been this way all along but IMO, he's putting his parents before his wife/marriage. If this was unavoidable and an emergency, fine but it's not. He needs to start thinking about his wife.

haymade · 04/06/2021 11:10

I'd even go as far as saying, I'd rather be single than put up with that!

woodhill · 04/06/2021 11:11

@riceuten

I have a work colleague like this - his parents are Indian, and come for a similar amount of time, and refuse to do anything in the house, go away for a weekend, or give him a break. He absolutely dreads it. They don't even do childcare or shopping for him. He and his wife (who they absolutely hate) are expected to feed and water them AND give them money on the rare occasions they do venture out. They either sit in front of the TV (Indian programmes only) 24/7, or visit distant relatives and acquaintances. This usally involves going to a restaurant...which he has to pay for.

They are also expected to be given a large cash sum to be taken back home. Oh, and he pays for the flights there and back, and they were hinting how much they hate flying economy last time they came.

All of this is cultural, and he is terrified of being ostracised by family and friends if he disagrees with any of the above. Having relatives they can live with for 3 months of the year also gives them a cachet locally where they live back home - "my son can support me". He also sends them a couple of hundred pounds a month on top of all this.

His wife loathes them - understandably - and takes it out on him, as they expect her to be their skivvy. She will be reading a book, and they will plonk dirty clothing in front of her and expect her to wash, dry and iron it and deliver it to them. They feign a medical condition so that they get the master bedroom when they come. The father smokes and refuses to go anywhere else to do so.

That is shocking.

I know what I would do with the dirty washing but then I get it is a different culture

3 months is way too long

SpaceOp · 04/06/2021 11:23

@Harmonypuss it was that or divorce/serious mental health issues! Grin

I haven't completely nailed it, but it is better.

MIL doesn't help at all - she's completely helpless. But.... I do not "serve" her either so while I don't expect her to clean up I absolutely do expect her to look after herself and tidy up her own mess etc. She's also v good in that she will contribute financially by paying for some shopping or insist on a takeaway or taking us out etc so there isn't that sense that she's eating us out of house and home and costing a fortune. We did have issues the first time or two when she was actually so determined not to eat/drink anything of ours that she kept buying food we didn't need and didn't have space for. But we've worked through that now. She buys specific treats she likes or comes with me to do the bigger shopping to get stuff she likes, but otherwise I'm in charge of meals etc as normal.

Harmonypuss · 04/06/2021 11:41

@SpaceOp

Looks like you're doing a great job and I think the OP really needs to take a leaf out of your book and just make it clear that their visits, although it's great to see them, do actually disrupt the normal flow of their family life and they need to be considerate of this.

Inwiththenew · 04/06/2021 11:45

Could you get them a caravan to stay in whilst they are with you or build something in the back garden for them?

Barmychick · 04/06/2021 12:23

Hope I'm wrong but it sounds like you're being groomed/conditioned to be future carer for pil?Easier said than done but you really need to be assertive now before this situation becomes totally entrenched! Good luck.

CorianderBee · 04/06/2021 17:38

Three MONTHS?? Sorry what the fuck? Three weeks is surely more than enough???

ChelleMum85 · 04/06/2021 18:19

Advise your husband that he married you, you didn't marry his parents. Tell him he lives with you, thus it is you he needs to put as a first priority and keep you happy. Explain you are not asking him to stop seeing them, just that they stay somewhere else.

Ask him how he feels about the way they treat you and ask him does he think this is OK and is he condoning the continuation of it by allowing them to stay? If he misses them that much, tell him they couldn't have cared about him that much by leaving the country and they are controlling him so they have a place to stay.

If he ignores how you feel because "He misses them like a child", then let him know which he would miss most- His wife? Or parents? I would then give him a list;

Lonely nights without you should you go stay elsewhere for 3 months. Then get really sarcastic with, "Nevermind, I suppose you can sleep in with Mummy&Daddy."

Option B) Tell him you will be moving out for those 3 months and if he is OK with this, let him know it might be permanent now you know his feelings on the matter and you will send him divorce papers in the post because he clearly hasn't put your wellbeing first.

CokeDrinker · 04/06/2021 18:26

@ChelleMum85

Advise your husband that he married you, you didn't marry his parents. Tell him he lives with you, thus it is you he needs to put as a first priority and keep you happy. Explain you are not asking him to stop seeing them, just that they stay somewhere else.

Ask him how he feels about the way they treat you and ask him does he think this is OK and is he condoning the continuation of it by allowing them to stay? If he misses them that much, tell him they couldn't have cared about him that much by leaving the country and they are controlling him so they have a place to stay.

If he ignores how you feel because "He misses them like a child", then let him know which he would miss most- His wife? Or parents? I would then give him a list;

Lonely nights without you should you go stay elsewhere for 3 months. Then get really sarcastic with, "Nevermind, I suppose you can sleep in with Mummy&Daddy."

Option B) Tell him you will be moving out for those 3 months and if he is OK with this, let him know it might be permanent now you know his feelings on the matter and you will send him divorce papers in the post because he clearly hasn't put your wellbeing first.

OP, every single paragraph of THIS! EVERY.....SINGLE....ONE.

Ask him who he'd rather upset? You, his life partner that he chose? Or his parents who he doesn't have to live with?

To for you you Woman up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2021 18:31

You need to explain to your husband that either HE or you ask them to:

Respect boundaries and your space

Help out! If you're staying for free for 3 months, don't expect to be waited on hand and foot; do they ever cook dinner? Offer to make you a drink?

Book a holiday with your friends and leave your DH to play host for a couple of weeks.

diddl · 04/06/2021 18:33

"All of this is cultural, and he is terrified of being ostracised by family and friends if he disagrees with any of the above."

It's quite difficult to understand isn't it why anyone would care about family & friends who condone you being treated like shit by your parents?

Also how parents can treat their kids so badly?

CokeDrinker · 04/06/2021 19:54

The last sentence on my last post should read "Time for you to" .

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/06/2021 20:10

Three months !! - every year??
I went in holiday for two weeks with the in laws
In 2005
I’ve still not recovered ..

Tootingbec · 04/06/2021 20:30

@Heatherjayne1972

Three months !! - every year?? I went in holiday for two weeks with the in laws In 2005 I’ve still not recovered ..
Grin
ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 04/06/2021 20:38

Good God woman, you are a saint

I would not do it

Sadly it shows he cares more about his parents and their feelings than you (and your feelings) Sad

ilovechocolate07 · 06/06/2021 10:09

Whoa! 3 months is way too long. My home is my sanctuary after hard days at work. I don't actually like anyone to stay here more than one or two nights as 2 loos and 1 bath/shower is difficult enough with 2 adults and 2 teens. We live far away from family and it becomes a bit of a contentious issue as I've had enough of staying with DH's family. They're lovely and non-judgemental, lovely people, but I get a huge stress headache when we drive back and it takes me a while to get over it which leads to me feeling really rude. We've used hotels the last couple of times thanks to covid and it has been amazing to have our own base and space. It's one thing I hope to continue. You are an angel having them for 1/4 of the year!!!

Walkingthedog46 · 06/06/2021 10:33

As your husband works from home, would a possible compromise would be for him to go and stay with them in their home for a couple of months (random throughout the year) and then they could visit for 2-3 weeks to see the grandchildren.

riceuten · 06/06/2021 18:03

@diddl

"All of this is cultural, and he is terrified of being ostracised by family and friends if he disagrees with any of the above."

It's quite difficult to understand isn't it why anyone would care about family & friends who condone you being treated like shit by your parents?

Also how parents can treat their kids so badly?

It's the way it is in some cultures. And the way it used to be here not that far back.
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 06/06/2021 18:21

You shouldn't have to live with people you don't want to live with for three months a year. Two weeks as a sacrifice for your husband, sure, but no more.

For me it'd be ultimatum time.

Phineyj · 06/06/2021 18:25

Don't build a granny annexe! My friend did this and granny refused to stay in it as she preferred the main house...

I'm not sure if you're mid visit - if you are, you should definitely change things for next time but in the meantime, I'd tell DH he'd be getting me a subscription to David Lloyd or somewhere like that, taking my laptop off there, eating there and enrolling the kids in some sports classes pronto!

woodhill · 06/06/2021 19:39

@Phineyj

Don't build a granny annexe! My friend did this and granny refused to stay in it as she preferred the main house...

I'm not sure if you're mid visit - if you are, you should definitely change things for next time but in the meantime, I'd tell DH he'd be getting me a subscription to David Lloyd or somewhere like that, taking my laptop off there, eating there and enrolling the kids in some sports classes pronto!

That's awful. Presumably your friend paid for it?
Phineyj · 06/06/2021 19:56

She did, and it worked out ok as when the house was eventually sold, the buyer wanted the separate flat, but I feel it shows you may not be able to solve this kind of problem with a building project.

CaptainTuttle · 13/06/2021 11:12

I would suspect that your in laws are letting their house for three months every year (holiday let?) and pocketing a tidy profit while they sit on their butts watching your telly! But I’m cynical like that. 😂