In-laws overstaying their welcome

[Chloe1973]

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

Jeez oh. I could never cope with that. Early on I negotiated the longest my mother in law could stay with us was a week at a time, unless exceptional circumstances - illness etc.

I find a week hard going as like you I feel I can’t relax in my home. I feel judged by her a d she comes for a holiday so doesn’t lift a finger despite me having a difficult job and me doing long hours.

Could you take an opportunity of a couple long weekends or a week or two away with a friend? Honestly I don’t know how you’re managing. Well done x

I dont often stay with people now or ask people to stay with me. If I was spending a few days with someone I would be sure to negotiate some arrangement for me to go off on my own (even if it was only to my room for a nap) so they could also have some "me" time to kick back.

Three months and I would be tearing my hair out.

I agree with @OdiousPeopleEverywhere.

I would divorce.

There's no compromise in this. Well. There is, all from you.

When someone stays in your home for an extended period of time it needs to be agreed by both occupants.

It's either 2 yes or 1 no situation.

If he's pressuring you to say yes to get that, then every year you're going to dread it coming, you're going to feel resentful when they're gone and when they're there with you you'll constantly feel small in your own home.

Fwiw, your husband sees his parents more than my XH saw his parents and we live 15 minutes away.

Just because they live abroad does not give them the right to infiltrate your safe space for 90 fucking days a year.

3 months!!!

I'd be voting with my feet and moving out to an airbnb or staying with my parents.

I'd certainly stop doing any chores whatsoever and let DH do them all. The TV might conveniently break as well.

Why is it so long? Because the live abroad? Why don't you say they come for 2 weeks four time a year. That would make it more bearable?

@Scarriff

Can we assume it's culturally right for your husband's parents to live with you ? And that you are not from this culture yourself? Here is a suggestion. While they are with you take the opportunity to study volunteer or work outside the home. I'm sure your parents in law would be pleased to organise the children or do some cooking and housekeeping? Could they manage to drive? See their arrival as a wonderful opportunity for you to expand your horizons. It might turn out to be the best thing for all of you.

If your assumptions regarding culture are correct, OP should say In my culture families don't encroach on others for three months a year. Why is the accommodation of cultures always swayed on one direction?

3 months in every year? 25% of your entire life?

You wouldn't spend that much time together if they lived next door!

No. I mean, like, NOOOOOOO.

I would actually divorce my DH is he insisted on this and disregarded my feelings for 25% of MY life.

I'm sure your parents in law would be pleased to organise the children or do some cooking and housekeeping?

What makes you so "sure" of that, then? Because OP says they sit on the sofa all day complaining of how tired they are.

I made the mistake of going away with my partner's parents for a long weekend when we'd been together a year...NEVER EVER again!

If you have parents that recognise their adult children are exactly that - adults - and treat them as such, I'm sure it's fine. Partner's parents still treat him as if he's a extremely stupid 16 year old at age 50, and think they have the right to comment on his partner's (supposedly) 'bad' behaviour!

If my partner tried to get his parents to stay for 3 months, I'd assume our relationship was over.

My culture is like this, so I am used to it. From the opposite point of view - your DH is living away from his family and is only able to see them for a short part of the year, so that is a sacrifice on his part. It may also get harder for them to travel as they get older, so in a way, good to do this while it is possible. HOWEVER - he should be doing the majority of the hosting and arranging things for them.

Surely at some point in 3 months PIL visit, your own mother or father (sister, bestfriend, postman) is a leetle unwell so you will have to go and look after them for a few days/weeks?

The PILs would LOVE to spend some time alone with their son and gran ds. You'd be doing them a favour.

@noirchatsdeux

I made the mistake of going away with my partner's parents for a long weekend when we'd been together a year...NEVER EVER again!

If you have parents that recognise their adult children are exactly that - adults - and treat them as such, I'm sure it's fine. Partner's parents still treat him as if he's a extremely stupid 16 year old at age 50, and think they have the right to comment on his partner's (supposedly) 'bad' behaviour!

If my partner tried to get his parents to stay for 3 months, I'd assume our relationship was over.

This made me smile. My MIL wants to hold my husbands hand when she visits and gets upset if he objects or wants to sit next to me instead. That was the last visit that lasted two weeks. Since a week max. I had to suddenly work late a lot on that trip! 🤣

@Orla1970 Thank you! And yes, any excuse under the sun is acceptable to get away from a bad situation!

Oh and my 'bad behaviour' that partner's father felt justified him bollocking my partner as if he was a child? I didn't stay up all night getting drunk with his family....even though they knew I wasn't well (I ended up in hospital the week after with double pneumonia). As
I told my partner, at the age of 41 I wouldn't have taken that sort of bullshit from my own father, I certainly wasn't going to take it from his... unbelievable!

Thank you all so much for your advice. Honestly, sometimes when you are in a situation it's hard to be objective. We are currently going through a divorce and tbh I can't wait to get out and make a new life for myself and my children. I am not a silly woman but I have been putting up with lots of crap for way too long! Tbh i am regularly made to feel like I am being unreasonable by my family as well as his. Well I will celebrate the day that my divorce is final.

Oh and just to answer the cultural aspect of things - they are not Asian just happy to invade my privacy. I blame my soon to be ex husband. I'm sure he encourages them to stay for as long as they want! I'm well rid and after -) years of this rubbish I am really looking forward to spending my summers without them

Well done OP!

Prepare yourself in case they want the same arrangements though you’ll be separated / divorced. Don’t even consider it.