In-laws overstaying their welcome

[Chloe1973]

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

Three months a year!!!! That's not visiting that's semi-permanent. We lived overseas and in laws staying ended up causing a lot of problems for us. They now stay in hotel/bnb if they want to see us. Everyone gets their space and I no longer feel like I'm being judged. Put your foot down.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Does their stay coincide with extremely hot summer/hurricane season/other extreme weather in their resident country by any chance?

If they want to spend 3 months a year in the UK they need to find their own base... 1 bed flat, caravan, tent... It's not fair to impose on others for that time. I love my parents and in laws, but after a week/20 days I need space!

Ahh I was wondering what possible reason they'd have for staying so long. Is it something like this OP?

If not then could you suggest two smaller visits of a month over the year?

I struggle with 2 days of my inlaws!

Totally unreasonable.

The core issue is your husband doesn't care about what you think as he believes what HE wants is more important and law.

You sound dominated by a selfish man.

You have clearly NO say in your own home.

Total deal breaker in a marriage but it sounds as if you have put up with this disrespect from him AND his parents for a long time.

The issue is do you wish to continue to be married whilst clearly being so disrespected?

DH and I are both immigrants with parents far away, as are most of our friends here, so I'm pretty well versed on this kind of thing.

I have never heard of anyone having their parents stay with them for 3 months, except for when a friend of mine had just had a baby, and her parents came to visit and then covid hit and they got stuck.

Usually parents will book an extended trip - quite possibly as much as 3 months, if they aren't working anymore- and then they will spend a couple of weeks staying with their children, then go off and do other things such as staying with other friends or seeing a bit more of the country, and then come back for the last couple of weeks of their trip.

3 months of sitting in your son's front room watching tv is crazy. I have honestly never heard of this.

I'm lucky that I like my in-laws very much, and even I would not be able to deal with this. Also, I can't imagine them being comfortable with it. They would feel they were imposing and probably get bored.

Where do they live ? Why 3mths a year. Every year

Agree wirh the poster who said maybe escaping hot weather ?

But no need to stay that long

So a month with you. A month with other brother and a month with friends of has to be 3mths

@iminthegarden

Three months a year!!!! That's not visiting that's semi-permanent. We lived overseas and in laws staying ended up causing a lot of problems for us. They now stay in hotel/bnb if they want to see us. Everyone gets their space and I no longer feel like I'm being judged. Put your foot down.

Very similar to us! I can’t stay with or have my in laws stay with us. Both DH and I hate it. They are rude, demanding and judgemental. We can cope with them in small doses if they stay somewhere else. We also arrange to do things like days out or cinema trips rather than sitting around because that’s usually when MIL starts piping up with her opinions on what we should be doing (like financially supporting his 34 year old brother who doesn’t work...!)

I hope you can find a solution to this and your DH support you.

I can see both sides, obviously your DH misses his parents, but a 2-3 month stay is a long time, if it makes you unhappy.

Have you even got the space & bathrooms required to have them comfortably in your home.

Are their other options DH going to stay with his parents for a holiday? Holiday accommodation close by.

I think for your own sanity being out of the house as much as you can be sounds wise, assuming you have good friends that you can visit.

I assume your DH knows how you feel? I think he should be putting your needs first, of course he loves & cares for his parents, but he has a wife & family to care for now.

How would your DH feel if one of your close relations came to stay for 3mths?

Good luck OP, I really feel for you, I would not like it either.

Could he go and live with them for 3 months?

Book a holiday for yourself and the kids in the middle of their visit for two weeks to give yourself a break.
Other than that, make as many plans to be out as you can. If you can't remove the problem, remove yourself from it.

Is your DH Asian ? This is really common in the Indian community and it's also a huge source of friction.

One suggestion - do they like the idea of being useful ? Could you ask them to babysit for a weekend to give you and DH some time out?

I would also think about just you going away for a bit, you could even pretend it was work related

3 months is an absolute piss take.

[quote Chloe1973]@ThuggeryAffair agreed and it's starting to make me feel resentful as I have no control over this situation my own home. I really thought that they would hand felt my vibe and decide to leave for a while... but as my mum said, DH is probably telling them that he would love them to stay for as long as possible [/quote]
How would he be if your mum came to stay for 3 months?

[quote Chloe1973]@eatingpopcorn thank you x they don't have the money and my husband wouldn't agree to it as he wants them here as he says that he really misses them.[/quote]
I don't understand how he misses them when he sees them this much. Does he realise that that's way more than most people see their relatives?

I agree with numbertheory and so many other PPs

PIL descending into your house for 3 months is unreasonable expectation . That's not a visit, that's a 'we have moved in by stealth ..'

A visit is a few days - few weeks. Really surprised you haven't said 'they can visit for 3 weeks not 3 months, from this date to this date and then they go home or go to stay with someone else"

This is your life OP and your DCs - PILs who camp in front of the TV are not adding enough value to DCs life to justify their 'moving in for 1/4 the year' and imposing so hugely on your peace.

Even if they were baking, cycling, playing sports each day with DCs they are still stealing your privacy and quiet bonding time between your DC snd DH.

It's so intrusive and selfish that they have assumed it's ok to do this or assumed it is only up to their son , not his wife or rest of his family . Even my parents wouldn't and they love a good stay at my house to see DC!! (they stay maximum 10 days)

If you have expressed your feelings to your DH that you are unhappy with his parents staying for so long and he continues to suit himself and them, then I honestly think you are way too far down the pecking order. Even if he does everything for them (which, historically, he doesn't - only stepping up this year), you have two people living in your house for a quarter of your life who don't treat you with respect. Why does your DH think that's ok? And, really, they don't sound lovely at all. You sound lovely. And you have every right to feel fed up and resentful. You must have the patience of a saint, because this situation would break me ... and my relationship.

Your DH says “He never gets to see his parents”

Like hell. This is the equivalent of seeing them 25% of the time. That’s every single weekend in the year (two days and two nights), bar about 7. Or spending 24 hours with them every four days. He is seeing way more of his parents than most people do and could easily cut back!!

Given you both wfh, that may be recent, and seems a reason to change. I would say one month at most.

He hardly see his parents even when they stay for 3 months? That’s a lot of time.

Personally... this is going to ruin your marriage in due course. You are forced to put up with a situation at home with no regard for how you feel and that is not on at all, this is your home too and three months stats are unbearably long when you don’t get along with the visitors.

I understand that in some cultures (or some socio economic strata) it is seen as normal for the family to visit for months on end but I can assure you that that’s not set on stone. I come from one of those cultures but I am aware that we’re a lot of my friends have family expecting them to put them up for months, my parents and their friends wouldn’t entertain more than a week, as my father says “the visits as the corpses stink after 3 days.

My inlaws didn’t visit for 3 months, just for a week... six or seven times a year. We were at each other necks by the 4 day, with the ILs fed up with me doing things “differently”, I feeling like I could kill my husband for allowing them to treat me like that and him caught up in the middle.

Eventually things boiled up to a big argument from which we never recovered. We stopped staying in each other’s houses, the ILs hate me for that, but the worst part was that that precise argument ended my marriage. I was never able to see my husband other than as a stupid mummy’s boy with no guts whatsoever after it.

I left him as soon as I got a job and some savings to start on my own with DS.

Your h needs to get his head out of the sand before he ruins his marriage, because believe me, the inlaws are not the problem, your husband is.

Oh OP - I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Obviously in many cultures this would be a totally unacceptable piss take, so I assume that your DH/you come from a culture where it isn’t?? None the less I know from Indian friends that the concept of long visits being OK is changing, so you have to change this because if they are young, this could go on for two decades!

Obviously this involves facing up to your DH and reminding him his duty to you is more than that to his parents. And that while your kids may love it, if it’s breaking their mother it will do them more damage in the long run.

I think you have to have a come to Jesus conversation with him, where you both face the fact this has to change and his parents are going to be upset. So before you have it, what’s the outcome you could live with - 2 x 2 weeks with a month at their friend in the middle, 2 x 1 month with the same? 3 x 2 weeks with 2 week gaps?

Also can your DH and brother club together to cover an air bnb so he takes a month (so maybe it becomes a month with you, month w BIL, month with friends?)

Honestly that’s insane. I love my in-laws but no way would I let them stay even longer than 2 weeks. A month if really desperate but not every year!

How does he feel about your parents? Tell him the day after his parents leave your mother will be staying for 3 months as you miss her. How does that sit with him? Or say a friend. Whoever makes him feel uncomfortable. Make it as real as possible.

3 months is insane especially if they don’t do anything. You cook and clean for you and the kids. Partner does their washing, their cooking, they buy their food and pay partly for renting out a room as you are having a lodger.

I don’t get why they don’t just get somewhere if they are down 3 months a year? It’s hugely inappropriate and the fact your partner isn’t accommodating to you is not good. No man sees his parents 3 months a year everyday and expects their wife to cook clean and take care of them for that amount of time.

I wouldn’t do it

Not many grown adults spend a month a year with their parents much less living with them much less THREE MONTHS a year. He’s delusional and his thinking you should jump when he says jump is totally unacceptable.

What I would do is browse the internet and find a decent short term let of a flat or a house in or around your area. Get prices and dates when it is available and then sit down with your DH and say that you want to have a decent relationship with his parents but if they are to stay living with you for 3 months of the year (that's a quarter of the entire year) that is unlikely to happen.
You have found a local place that they can stay in, that is available and they are welcome to visit for a few hours during the day but must take themselves off to this accommodation to sleep. You need your space, they need their space, the kids need their space.
If all that they are doing once they get up is watching telly, they don't have to be doing it in your house.

If he doesn't say something to his parents about this, you will and you're not really going to care if they get offended by what you say as they clearly have no issues overstaying their welcome and offending you by doing that.

Of you could get some cutesy signs (if you can find them) that have the message about visitors like fish start to smell after three days...and put them up everywhere in your house, but I would go with the first option first

That's how I would tackle it.

It sounds unbearable.

Let them visit for a normal period (2 or at most spanning 3 weekends) so the kids get to see them, then plan for DH to go ans stay with them for 2 and a half months. Don't ask your DH, tell him. Make it a non-negotiable this year. Tell him that every fourth year, his parents can stay for a whole month. If they want to be looked after for 3 months, tell DH that BIL will have to take a turn.

Another poster asked the same question, but is the wfh a recent change? As if so, it gives you a perfect way to change this arrangement, hopefully without causing too much offence. Surely you can just say "look...we're both working from home now and unfortunately it's just not possible to have you as guests for that length of time anymore"?