In-laws overstaying their welcome

[Chloe1973]

I live with my husband and two children. My in-laws live abroad and come to visit every year for approximately 3 months. This always causes arguments between my husband and I as he wants them to stay the whole time whilst I need a regular break from them. They are lovely people but I feel that they are judging everything that I do, They don't like to do very much like going out to have fun or taking the kids to the park etc even though they are fairly young. They just sit in the front room everyday watching TV. There has been a history of them having an attitude with me when I've upset their son and unfairly judging me in the past. They are very overprotective over their son and treat him like he is a six year old, Them being in my house drains me and I feel sad and pressured. I really want them to leave. My husband has a brother who never takes them due to the lack of space in their house, I've spoken to my husband but he wants them to stay. He says that he understands how I feel but that he never gets to see his parents. They have friends that they can stay with but they appear to want to stay with us. I feel like I'm possibly being unreasonable but they have been rude to me in the past and their behaviour is often strange like sometimes ignoring me when I speak or when I ask a question they'll answer as if my husband has asked the question by responding to him. I just can't take them anymore. AIBU?

Good god, three months!! That's a quarter of every year! Both our sets of parents live abroad (in the country we're from) and as much as we love them and get on very well, about two-three weeks is the limit for a visit - them at ours, or us at theirs.

More than that and everyone begins to get agitated = counterproductive.

Unless they are actively helping with house / life / kids, there is no reason for them to stay that long. Even with my parents/PILs' much shorter visits, here's what we do:

• Give them jobs - shopping, preparing meals, playing board games with the kids, taking kids to their sports etc. My dad also gets stuck into some light DIY when here (bit of grouting/painting/sealing around hte showers)

• I don't adjust daily life for them - they need to fit in with our weekday routine. Then we all decide together on some fun weekend day trips / activities

• Take breaks - leave them with the kids for a weekend and go away for a few nights.

Oh I feel bad for you, this would friggen drive me insane. You’re in a rock and a hard place though. Other than make plans to be out to get a break, or go stay with friends or your parents at times I’m not sure what else can be done.

Good lord I nearly had a breakdown when my in-laws came to stay for 3 weeks!

You need to sort this out before it ruins your marriage (and life).

I couldn't live like this OP. Three nights is my limit for any visitors, and that includes close university friends whose company I really really enjoy!

No helpful ideas for you I'm afraid but huge amounts of sympathy, you're a better woman than me. I would be insisting that they book an air bnb or pay for a short term let for the duration of their visit if they had to be 3 months in length.

My DGS live up north and i down south i have not been to stay for about18 months now and miss them terribly, I have a good relationship with my DIL but I really couldn't impose on them for three whole months and feel that's a very long time for most people to stay how ever much we love our family.

No and no and no again!!

I agree with everyone on here that 3 months is not a "visit" - they are living with you for a quarter of the year. That is intolerable and not something that can be resolved with with few nights in a an AirB&B.

Without being over dramatic about it, this would be a deal breaker for me re: my marriage. It is so disrespectful to you to impose this on you and give you no control over that decision.

Jesus - I can barely tolerate my own parents for more than a few days at a time and I have a pretty good relationship with them......

Oh, and he wants them to stay for that length of time because "he never gets to see his parents"

Fuck me - he sees them for 3 MONTHS A YEAR - THAT'S 90 DAYS!!!!!

I'm really getting the vibe here that there are cultural differences at play here.
15 years ago my inlaws came to stay. It was supposedly to help with their grandchildren who were only 1 and 2 at the time. My husband, like yours, missed his parents and convinced me that them staying for 3 months would in some way be a good idea. They arrived in February in the midst of one of the worst winters on record. My husband was at work all day. I was alone in the house with 2 people who spoke no English. At the time my knowledge of their language was limited.
They weren't unpleasant in any way but after 4 weeks of their constant presence I could take no more. I told my husband if they didn't go home I was leaving with the chikdren. I was exhausted from it all and crying everyday. They returned home after 5 weeks. In those weeks my fil never lifted a single finger. He was used to having a servant in attendance at all times in mil and it started to annoy the hell out of me. He was in his early 50's at the time and not disabled in any way. His utter idleness was breathtaking. He never once even picked up his dirty dinner plate from the table and put it near the sink to be washed. After he had finished a lovely meal that had obviously been cooked for him he just used to get up from the table and leave his dirty plate there ready for mil or myself to deal with. It was one of many things that I just couldn't stand. It was 15 years ago and it it the first and last time they will be coming to stay. Just to add when they did come we payed for absolutely everything down to the passports, visas and everything when they were here.

You’re a saint, 3 months is way too long!!!

Could you take yourself off for a month in the middle? Anywhere - a friend's - air BnB - hotel - and leave him with the kids and the in-laws? They might not be in such a hurry to visit next year!

Crikey, I don't see my mother 90 times a year and she lives 20 minutes away!!
Oh you poor thing.

Difficult. I can see both sides. I think DH needs to do all the hosting and you need to go out as much as you can. What did you do to upset DH? Apologies- I can't see if you've already explained.

Can we assume it's culturally right for your husband's parents to live with you ? And that you are not from this culture yourself? Here is a suggestion. While they are with you take the opportunity to study volunteer or work outside the home. I'm sure your parents in law would be pleased to organise the children or do some cooking and housekeeping? Could they manage to drive? See their arrival as a wonderful opportunity for you to expand your horizons. It might turn out to be the best thing for all of you.

Do they contribute to the household by helping out with shopping, cooking, cleaning etc while they are there? I really hope you aren't still doing all of these things with no help from them? If someone stays 3 months in someone else's home, different rules apply compared with coming for a weekend ie you pitch in and do your share

So glad we have a fairly small house as I struggle with having guests for 3 hours, not a chance would anyone be staying with us for that long. I wish you luck, strength and patience

I couldn’t do it. This can’t be good for your health, sounds quite stressful.
Seeing as you have always welcomed them I doubt they will make other arrangements. I wouldn’t stand for it but I’m not in your shoes. Sorry I haven’t been any help to you but here’s a hug. 🤗 x

I agree with other posters. Three months is way too much. As a one off, maybe it would be tolerable, but it’s completely unreasonable for your husband to expect you to accept this on an annual basis! A good marriage must include compromise on the part of both. Your husband should be taking your feelings seriously and some compromise must be reached. If not, it’s inevitable that you will feel increasingly resentful as the years go back and it will damage your relationship with him. Of course he loves his family, but your feelings should be a priority for him and on this, let’s face it, he is just disregarding them. I agree with the other poster who suggested couples counselling. If you can’t get him to listen to your needs and can’t reach a compromise, it would be a good idea to explore it with an independent party.

Maybe you should show your husband this thread. It might (should) make him think!

Put your foot down. 3 months is way too long to feel shit with no escape. Absolute minimum, they should go away for a week or two in the middle. My husband would outright refuse to host either of our sets of parents for anything like that amount of time!

@Scarriff

Can we assume it's culturally right for your husband's parents to live with you ? And that you are not from this culture yourself? Here is a suggestion. While they are with you take the opportunity to study volunteer or work outside the home. I'm sure your parents in law would be pleased to organise the children or do some cooking and housekeeping? Could they manage to drive? See their arrival as a wonderful opportunity for you to expand your horizons. It might turn out to be the best thing for all of you.

Both the OP and her husband work full time. The problem is about having no personal space when she needs to relax in her own home.

What about you staying in a hotel for a long weekend? Once or twice in the three months they are there? Or why doesn’t he try to reach a compromise as it’s your house and life too?

I have a work colleague like this - his parents are Indian, and come for a similar amount of time, and refuse to do anything in the house, go away for a weekend, or give him a break. He absolutely dreads it. They don't even do childcare or shopping for him. He and his wife (who they absolutely hate) are expected to feed and water them AND give them money on the rare occasions they do venture out. They either sit in front of the TV (Indian programmes only) 24/7, or visit distant relatives and acquaintances. This usally involves going to a restaurant...which he has to pay for.

They are also expected to be given a large cash sum to be taken back home. Oh, and he pays for the flights there and back, and they were hinting how much they hate flying economy last time they came.

All of this is cultural, and he is terrified of being ostracised by family and friends if he disagrees with any of the above. Having relatives they can live with for 3 months of the year also gives them a cachet locally where they live back home - "my son can support me". He also sends them a couple of hundred pounds a month on top of all this.

His wife loathes them - understandably - and takes it out on him, as they expect her to be their skivvy. She will be reading a book, and they will plonk dirty clothing in front of her and expect her to wash, dry and iron it and deliver it to them. They feign a medical condition so that they get the master bedroom when they come. The father smokes and refuses to go anywhere else to do so.

Unfortunately unless you want to leave your husband the only answer is to tell him, calmly, that this is the last time. You should not be vindictive or nasty about them as they are his parents. But you mustn't continue like this as matters will only get worse and cause even more trouble. It seems they can't be very empathetic to do this to you. It's going to be hard but unless you give in, it's the only way.

YANBU I have Mum with me for a week and I'm a bit worn out mentally from having zero down time. She is easy in all honesty but it's just the lack of down time that's wearing.

Do they pay anything to household food/utilities? Do they offer to cook? Do they offer to go out and pick up/pay for takeaway? Do they pay for days out somewhere? Do they do any housework?

If the answer is no to most/all of these, then they are scrounging off you and taking the piss. One thing they can 'learn' is that one month is more than enough. Three, is rudeness personified. Your mother expects you to be a good little woman and cave. Your 'D'H doesn't give a flying shit about your feelings. What the F are you still doing with him? Tell him they stay one month absolute absolute maximum or your marriage is over. (I'd also say once every two years, not every year). I wonder how your H would feel if your mother was in his face 24/7 for three months.

I couldn't have my best friend stay as a guest for 3 months every year. Presumably your ILs made the decision to live away from family. Why are you expected to facilitate when it suits them to come back to see them? They need to take responsibility for their life decisions and your DH needs to accept the decision they made about being elsewhere. They can move back. They can rent (AirBnB?). They can stay nearby in a cheap hotel. All of which would allow them to see you DH. Or maybe you could visit them for 3 months?!!! See how well that idea goes down!