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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not name baby after my mum...

167 replies

girlsallowed21 · 01/06/2021 16:17

Posting on AIBU for traffic mainly as I'm in two minds about this...

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and ever since we found out it is a girl my mum has been dropping so many hints that she wants our daughter named after her. 😩

I love my mum to bits but feel horrible as neither of her names (first or middle name) are on DH and I shortlist. She has a traditional but old fashioned name.
Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...
DH isn't keen but he wouldn't mind and I know he's only saying to be polite to the MIL.

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

How would you honour your mum without naming the baby after her. I feel horrible letting her down 😥

AIBU to think her name is too old fashioned/ not to our taste?

OP posts:
Halliabaloo · 01/06/2021 16:19

She is being ridiculous! Naming a baby after someone is an honour given, not demanded by a cheeky fucker.

Pick a name you like and she can get over herself

Justmuddlingalong · 01/06/2021 16:19

Nope. She chose her DC's names. You choose yours.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/06/2021 16:21

Are you named after anyone? If not I’d point that out to her. If you are I’d still be telling her you’ve already picked out a name and it’s not hers.
She’s had a chance to make her child/ren

SquigglePigs · 01/06/2021 16:21

I agree with the previous posters that it's not up to her. A middle ground if you wanted to compromise could be to give your DD your Mum's name as a middle name though.

bloodyhell19 · 01/06/2021 16:22

Nope. Your mum is way out of line. You & DH will choose the best name for your DD, she's her own person & she deserves her own name.

If she brings it up again just say mum, if you like your name that much, why didnt you name me after you??

DaisyFeather · 01/06/2021 16:22

Middle name. Even a second middle name if you’ve already picked one.

Don’t use it as her first name. You might also find it’s kind of lighthearted - my grandma refers to all unborn babies in the family as ‘little Emma’. But she doesn’t really expect it.

I actually love the short version of her name so if number 2 ever comes along I would possibly use it.

Hidingunderablanket · 01/06/2021 16:24

The only way I would do this is to add a second middle name after the ones you like, and make it a different version of her name. We sort of had this with dd, it was my gran who was the only member left of that generation and she kept on about it. Her name was Kathleen, no chance in hell was I using that! Used Kate as a second middle name for dd. Also knew it was unlikely gran would be around much longer as she was very elderly and frail by that point, so the issue wouldn’t keep coming up.

Sakura7 · 01/06/2021 16:24

Don't do it OP. Middle name maybe, but only if you want to.

It's extremely cheeky to expect a child to be named after you, and it's a lot less common these days.

Nip it in the bud now. Next time she makes a comment say that you and DH haven't decided on a name yet, but you feel it's important for your child to have a name of her own, and not one that's shared with another member of the family.

cariadlet · 01/06/2021 16:25

She's completely out of order to even suggest it. But, as you love her and it's important to her, how would you feel about using her name as dd's middle name?

Your mum would feel honored but people generally only use middle names when completing official forms so it wouldn't really matter if it's a name that you're not particularly keen on.

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 16:25

You need to tell her you won't be using it sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the more she'll think you're ok with it and the more she'll be disappointed.

She's going to be upset but you can't give your child a name you don't like in order to please your mother

lakesummer · 01/06/2021 16:25

I might put it as a second middle name if you get on well with your mum and she is usually reasonable.
If not I wouldn't consider it.

I know someone who gave their dd a shortened version of their DM's name as a middle name but this just caused complaints. They wished they hadn't bothered.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/06/2021 16:27

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

Reply My baby/the bump/Lulubelle (anything but her name) is fine thank you. Change the subject.

Is there another variation of your mum's names that you could use as a middle? I.e. if it was Elizabeth you could use Bethany, Eliza, Ellie, Ella etc.

Original poster
girlsallowed21 · 01/06/2021 16:29

Thanks for all your responses so far!
I feel much better as I was honestly feeling bad and didn't know how to go about telling her we are thinking of going with different names... and also don't want DH to feel pressured with all the hints!

OP posts:
Cjp33 · 01/06/2021 16:29

I wouldn't even bother with it as a middle name. Grandparent or not i hate how family members think naming a baby warrants their input let alone the deciding name!
Honestly just politely but firmly say, "sorry mum we won't be naming baby after you, we'd like to keep it a surprise and announcing the name when she's born"

Cryalot2 · 01/06/2021 16:29

Your mum is way out of order here. Your baby your choice.

Our dd was given a middle name after a deceased relative. Not my choice but neither was her first name.
You really must do your own thing. Otherwise it will never end .

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 16:30

You need to nip it in the bud. I'd agree with DH a name you're reasonably with and say actually Mom we've gone with Jessica not Emma. Then just announce you've changed your mind when she's born of you prefer something else by then. Or pick something really unlikely and tell her that - Desdemona, Tallulah-Belle etc

suspiria777 · 01/06/2021 16:30

In Jewish culture it's considered bad luck (v v v bad luck) to name a baby after a living relative.

Serpenta · 01/06/2021 16:31

Laugh it off as if it's the most ridiculous joke. If she persists give it to her straight 'we.are.not.naming.her.after.you'. She had her chance to name a baby when she had you.

Roundtoedshoes · 01/06/2021 16:32

Bit odd. More likely if you were going down that route to name the baby after a deceased grandparent, and then as something you both chose - not a living relative who asks!

She is being honoured already by being alive to meet her new granddaughter. Don’t give in.

Streamside · 01/06/2021 16:33

My father's side of my family has mantained the same middle names for 6 generations, the males have all had James as a middle name and the females have had a more unusual second name. My daughter has been the first to break the trend although she has given my grandson both of his grandfathers' first names.It's personal choice and your mother needs to be realistic.

TheoMeo · 01/06/2021 16:33

Unfortunately it takes 2 generations or more before names come back into fashion. Kathleen is a nice name to me (oldie).

MimiSunshine · 01/06/2021 16:37

No you are not being unreasonable to not want to use her names and she is basically Trying to bully you into it by calling the baby ‘baby Emma’.

I used variations of family names for my children’s middle names and made it clear I wanted to link but not repeat.

So Emily rather than Emma or Beth from Elizabeth and Margot instead of Margaret.
Maybe you good for that IF YOU WANTED TO

custardbear · 01/06/2021 16:40

Tinkly laugh time I'm afraid then '...oh mum, honestly, you've had your turn to name your children, it's our turn now'

My mum had the cheek to tell
Me that my dad had chosen my name and my brothers so she was determined to have input - all the names she chose were really not on or near our list, she was upset and caused friction but it was too important to just roll over

Iggi999 · 01/06/2021 16:40

I assumed she was dead! And even then you wouldn't be unreasonable

AmyDudley · 01/06/2021 16:40

I would have suggested giving the baby her name as middle name but given that she is referring to the baby as 'little Emma' I would now be wry of that. She is quite likely to call the baby 'Emma' because she 'likes her middle name better'.

I'd say her behaviour has blown her chance of getting a name check of any kind. She's being very rude and unkind. I always think on these posts that say 'I love my Mum to bits and don;t want to upset her' that you haven;t considered the fact that she has absolutely no qualms about upsetting you - she making you feel pressured and anxious at a time when you should be feeling joyful and excited to welcome your new baby.

I would firmly tell her 'we aren't going to name the baby after you, it is our choice and we prefer other names. You had your turn when you named your children, now it is our turn. Please stop mentioning it, and calling the baby 'Emma' you are upsetting me and pressuring me. I'd like you to stop.'

If she weeps and wails - let her, she'll get over it, don;t bow to emotional blackmail. She's surely going to want to be a big part of her GD's life whatever her name, so she's not going to rock the boat too hard whatever name you choose.

My late MIL wanted us to name after her husband - his name was Walter - it was never going to happen. She coped.