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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not name baby after my mum...

167 replies

girlsallowed21 · 01/06/2021 16:17

Posting on AIBU for traffic mainly as I'm in two minds about this...

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and ever since we found out it is a girl my mum has been dropping so many hints that she wants our daughter named after her. 😩

I love my mum to bits but feel horrible as neither of her names (first or middle name) are on DH and I shortlist. She has a traditional but old fashioned name.
Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...
DH isn't keen but he wouldn't mind and I know he's only saying to be polite to the MIL.

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

How would you honour your mum without naming the baby after her. I feel horrible letting her down 😥

AIBU to think her name is too old fashioned/ not to our taste?

OP posts:
Member984815 · 01/06/2021 16:41

I wouldn't do it , if it's not on the list already . I wouldn't tell people my baby names until I had filled out the registration forms , no need for them to know until the baby arrives

saraclara · 01/06/2021 16:42

"No, our baby is going to have a name of her own, as she will be her own person"

We made that clear when I was first pregnant. Neither of us wanted our children to be named after anyone in the family. We wanted our kids to have their own identities and names.

Even then, my mum tried to contort our firstborn's name to try to claim she was named after my dad.

mobear · 01/06/2021 16:51

Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...

I would think it more normal to name a baby after a non-living relative than one that is still alive, not that you necessarily need to do either!

RaraRachael · 01/06/2021 16:51

Don't feel guilt tripped into including her name. My son in law comes from a family where the first son is always called a certain name. I really hope my daughter has a daughter so we don't have to put up with this old fashioned name.

I don't like kids being called after still living adults as you end up with big Davie/little David etc to differentiate them

mobear · 01/06/2021 16:54

You may also have to accept that no matter what you call her your mum will call her by the name she wanted.

Before DC was born we had a name chosen for him but then decided we didn't like it. It didn't have anything to do with my father's name, but my father liked it, and continues to call him that even though it's not his name and he's now over 6 months old.

Serpenta · 01/06/2021 16:55

@RaraRachael

Don't feel guilt tripped into including her name. My son in law comes from a family where the first son is always called a certain name. I really hope my daughter has a daughter so we don't have to put up with this old fashioned name.

I don't like kids being called after still living adults as you end up with big Davie/little David etc to differentiate them

I'd be the person to break that tradition. I would not care if the past ten generations of men had all been called Harold.
Sakura7 · 01/06/2021 17:00

I really hope my daughter has a daughter so we don't have to put up with this old fashioned name.

Or if she has a son, break the tradition.

I think those kinds of traditions will die off, thankfully. No mother should have her child's name picked out by her partner's family.

FictionalCharacter · 01/06/2021 17:18

What @AmyDudley said, all of it.

Melitza · 01/06/2021 17:32

@mobear

You may also have to accept that no matter what you call her your mum will call her by the name she wanted.

Before DC was born we had a name chosen for him but then decided we didn't like it. It didn't have anything to do with my father's name, but my father liked it, and continues to call him that even though it's not his name and he's now over 6 months old.

You’re mad to put up with this. My dp’s threatened to call dd by her middle name because they preferred it. They got told that there would be no visiting unless they called dd by her proper name.
Chocolatericecakes · 01/06/2021 17:35

Oh this takes me back. My mum also wanted my DD called after her. Full on tantrum when we refused. She didn't call any of her 3 DDs after her mother/MIL!

However the real fun bit was the floods of tears when I refused to name DS after my stepdad - who really disliked me and didn't hide it.

Over the years there have been many ways in which she has tried to exert control, the name thing was the thin end of a very thick wedge. It hasn't ended well for us as we are now NC, 18 years later.

Of course that is unlikely to happen to you but this is about control so you need to be firm now.

It's your baby, name her as you see fit and don't feel guilty about it.

Patapouf · 01/06/2021 17:36

She's nuts!!! I can't imagine ever naming my baby after my mum!

Tbh I'm not really of that persuasion anyway, a baby is a whole new person and I don't like naming 'after' someone else. I don't think it's a tribute I think it's unimaginative and doesn't hold the child as an individual.

waitingforthenextseason · 01/06/2021 17:37

"Mum, you've had your chance to name babies, and now it's our turn. Please stop insisting we use your name. We won't be naming our baby after anyone, especially living relatives, and that includes you. We'll announce what we've chosen after our daughter is born.2

mobear · 01/06/2021 17:40

@Melitza I know, it is the tip of the iceberg though. I have to pick my battles with my father sadly. I am just waiting for the day DC turns to him and says ‘that’s not my name!’.

steppemum · 01/06/2021 17:41

We have used family names with our kids.
But as middle names, and we chose names we liked.

And, importantly, none of the relatives asked for it or expected it.

I can't imagine wanting my GD to have my name, in fact just the opposite. But it would be nice of some ofthe middle names continued the tradition. But that is not for me to decide.

LilMidge01 · 01/06/2021 17:42

I thought you only name a baby after dead relatives, not living ones!!!

LilMidge01 · 01/06/2021 17:42

Maybe just tell her that...you're superstitious

Grizalda · 01/06/2021 17:44

@Halliabaloo

She is being ridiculous! Naming a baby after someone is an honour given, not demanded by a cheeky fucker.

Pick a name you like and she can get over herself

Love it when the first reply hits the nail on the head!

TwoAndAnOnion · 01/06/2021 17:44

It's difficult isn't it, some names are just dated ie Jacqueline, Melanie, Susan, Julie are all my age group (mid 50's), you can date Patricia, Shirley, Phyllis and so forth, yet there is a big rise in the Edwardian names (now we've got past the Victoria, Elizabeth, Charlotte resurgence during the 1980s) of Maude, Elsie, Ava.

All of a sudden someone uses what would normally be considered a pretty dreadful name - and bingo - here comes a Wilfred to kick start a trend.

If you really don't like the name, don't use it.

TheWernethWife · 01/06/2021 17:45

According to my dear departed mum, my grandmother (dad's side) wanted me named after her - Lilian, so glad my mum chose my name.

MrsKoala · 01/06/2021 17:46

@mobear

Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...

I would think it more normal to name a baby after a non-living relative than one that is still alive, not that you necessarily need to do either!

Agree with this. Mil had recently died when DD was born and we'd never have given her MILs name as a middle name if not. It was something which meant a lot to H but neither of us liked the name at all. Then when I told my parents we were honouring MIL they got a right strop on and insisted we also give her my Mums name - another name neither of us liked and also neither does my Mum. So now DD has 2 long and not very nice middle names which don't go at all with her first name. I really regret it and now she's 4 am tempted sometimes to change it without my Mum knowing Grin
megletthesecond · 01/06/2021 17:46

Yanbu. I wouldn't even use it as a middle name as she's being so awful.

Original poster
girlsallowed21 · 01/06/2021 17:47

@Chocolatericecakes

Oh this takes me back. My mum also wanted my DD called after her. Full on tantrum when we refused. She didn't call any of her 3 DDs after her mother/MIL! However the real fun bit was the floods of tears when I refused to name DS after my stepdad - who really disliked me and didn't hide it.

Over the years there have been many ways in which she has tried to exert control, the name thing was the thin end of a very thick wedge. It hasn't ended well for us as we are now NC, 18 years later.

Of course that is unlikely to happen to you but this is about control so you need to be firm now.

It's your baby, name her as you see fit and don't feel guilty about it.

Oh wow this absolutely ridiculous!

That's my fear that it will be an awkward conversation to have and she probably won't take it well. But like many others have said, best to nip it in the bud now.

Insane how so many people can relate to this. I would never ask or pressure my daughter to name her future children after me.

OP posts:
fairlygoodmother · 01/06/2021 18:04

Your mum is being ridiculous. And as kindly as possible, you are being a bit ridiculous too, to even consider giving your daughter a name you don't like because you're worried about your mum making a scene about it.

This is a good time to practice standing up to your mother about your parenting decisions, or there is a risk of her doing this about all kinds of things for the next 18 years.

Just say 'Mum, I love you, but we are not calling our daughter Emma.' She'll probably say 'oh okay then' and that will be the end of it. If not, you will have a couple more uncomfortable conversations but she'll get over it.

mobear · 01/06/2021 18:05

@MrsKoala How funny, I have both my grandmothers’ names as middle names. Both were still alive at the time of naming, and they don’t go together at all as they’re both from very different cultures. I can never fit my full name on official forms. I’ve been meaning to change my name for years but haven’t through a combination of laziness and being afraid of offending someone.

SunshineCake · 01/06/2021 18:06

@CoffeeBeansGalore

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

Reply My baby/the bump/Lulubelle (anything but her name) is fine thank you. Change the subject.

Is there another variation of your mum's names that you could use as a middle? I.e. if it was Elizabeth you could use Bethany, Eliza, Ellie, Ella etc.

No no no

Don't give into such demanding bad behaviour.

You are going to need to toughen up as things will progress if you do name her after your mother. She'll feel she has the right to tell you what to do about everything with her baby.