To not name baby after my mum...

[girlsallowed21]

Posting on AIBU for traffic mainly as I'm in two minds about this...

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and ever since we found out it is a girl my mum has been dropping so many hints that she wants our daughter named after her. 😩

I love my mum to bits but feel horrible as neither of her names (first or middle name) are on DH and I shortlist. She has a traditional but old fashioned name.
Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...
DH isn't keen but he wouldn't mind and I know he's only saying to be polite to the MIL.

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

How would you honour your mum without naming the baby after her. I feel horrible letting her down 😥

AIBU to think her name is too old fashioned/ not to our taste?

If it was so important a name why haven't you got it?

[quote mobear]@MrsKoala How funny, I have both my grandmothers’ names as middle names. Both were still alive at the time of naming, and they don’t go together at all as they’re both from very different cultures. I can never fit my full name on official forms. I’ve been meaning to change my name for years but haven’t through a combination of laziness and being afraid of offending someone.[/quote]
We were thinking of going the double middle name route but the names just don't sound good together...
Like you, our daughter may end up wanting to change her name so it's not even worth it from that POV lol

I would think it more normal to name a baby after a non-living relative than one that is still alive, not that you necessarily need to do either!

Yes, definitely - if you're going to do it at all. The 'honour' part has an unspoken 'in memory of' angle to it. Personally, I'd also see it from the perspective of not deeply embarrassing a living person you've chosen to honour, when they find out about it - much less request/expect it. I know some people disagree, but I'd expect such an 'honour' to only be given to somebody who would never be able to find out about it.

It is also a practical thing as the purpose of names is to differentiate each person - that's why those in a family usually each have a different one. You're highly unlikely to confuse a living person with a deceased relative of the same name, but it's a completely different matter when they're both still alive.

Just because she happens to still be alive - and (unlike your DMiL and your DD's DGFs) be lucky enough to be able to meet her new DGD, if you were going down the 'honouring' route, why would you choose her name over that of her other DGM - or even a feminine version of one of her DGF's names?

There are tens of thousands of names out there, and the primary purpose of them is to identify an individual. You presumably already have a very small number of surnames shared between you and your wider family - the express purpose of them is to show family links, not first (or even necessarily middle) names.

She’s out of her fucking mind

Just say no nicely.

And less nicely if she persists.

And then don't discuss the matter until you have named the baby- the name of your choice of course.

Give you baby her own name. Tell your Mum you are not calling the baby "Emma" and explain you want the baby to have a name of her own.

@girlsallowed21 I wish the names not sounding good together had stopped my parents! On the other hand, my grandfathers' names were so abominable my brother didn't get any middle names and was really offended when he was old enough to realise I had four names (in total) and he had two!

Next time she says something laugh and say ' Haha, much as we love you Mum, our baby is not going to be named after anyone - she will have her own brand new names. But with a bit of luck she will be gorgeous looking and you can point out to everyone how she takes after you'.

Just address it head on.

My MIL asked if we were giving our child my DH middle name. Apparently it was a older family members surname. It's a bit weird middle name to be honest! I had never met the person or heard this person referred to in the 8+ years I had been with DH. I said not only would I give my baby that middle name, but I would also give her £100 if my husband could name the original family member who the surname related to. Needless to say my £100 was completely safe as my DH didn't have a clue!

My long winded point being it's your baby and your choice. It should mean something to you (or you should just like it!) and you shouldn't be pushed / guilted into anything. She had her turn to name her baby and now it's your turn.

Is she just dropping hints and jokingly calling the baby little Emma or has she said outright that she expects the baby to be named after her? I'm all for being blunt so there is no confusion but you could just act oblivious to her hinting and casually drop into conversation about some nice girl names you have come across. Tell her you and DH heard Ruby or whatever the other day and thought it was beautiful for the baby. Don't have to use the actual names from your list. Force her into stopping the hinting and actually talk about it or make her realise it isn't happening without any uncomfortable conversation. Depends on your relationship though, I know some people that need a sledge hammer rather than subtle hints!!

And don't discuss names with her or any other family member!

It is a mine field.

No one else's opinion counts, and they will all dis some favourite name of yours or other.

Keep it to yourselves until the baby is born.

I didn't find out the sex of mine before birth, and if I had have done I wouldn't have told anyone.

Too much hoo ha.

I would definitely put a stop to her calling the bump 'little Emma'. That would drive me insane.

'Mum, she is not called Emma. And the more you call her Emma the more determined you make me to give her a different name. She's our baby and we will choose her name, just as you chose mine'

You need to stick to your guns here, your baby, you choose the name. And I say that as someone who is named after a parent and grandparent!

No chance. She got to choose the name (s) of her child and you can do the same for yours. Is she normally a CF? I wouldn’t even placate her with middle name if you don’t like it

Ask your DM who chose her babies's names. That's all you need to do, really, unless she says her own mother did! If that's the case, just ask her how she felt about that.

If she keeps raising it, just laugh, and say, "Oh, mum, you will have your little joke - great sense of humour!"

It's actually quite rude and pushy and insensitive and not in the least funny, though.

You could pretend DH's mother is exactly the same and tell her she needs to talk to the other DGM who may well put her straight!

Whatever you do, don't breathe a word of your choices to anybody before naming the child - that way madness lies.

Tell her to fuck off!

It’s so forward and unreasonable. I don’t get how people don’t pick up on how awkward they’re being. Like others say I’d be cautious about using it even as a middle name in case she continues calling the baby Emma with the excuse that it’s her middle name.

On a side note - So many people on here saying it’s bad luck or not normal to name a child after a living relative. I’d never heard that before. I plan to do it but just for middle names. Obviously in my case it’s our decision and not something people have asked for.

Never, ever tell people your name choices in advance.

Just be open with your mum - “Please stop this, I don’t find it cute and we will name our baby ourselves.”

OP'sDM: How's little Emma going?
OP and OP'sDH (together) Who?

Rinse and repeat.

I'm having a girl and my we are giving her my (dead) nans name as a middle name, MIL got so annoyed she demanded we include her name too, DH told her if she died before the baby was here we probably would went down very well but at least she knows now!

Here's a suggestion: is there a name you like which has the same meaning as your mother's name? If so why not use that as a middle name or an additional middle name, to honour your mother?

I wanted to name my daughter, as regards one of her middle names, after my great grandmother, but my gg's name was Margaret and I really don't like that name, apologies to those who have that name or do. I don't like the way Margaret sounds, but I do like it's meaning, which is a pearl. I like the name Pearl so I used Pearl instead.

Or, "Mum, we would never name baby after a living relative, in case that person did something reprehensible, like going on the rampage with a machete, or shoplifting from Waitrose. It's only ever done after the relative is safely dead and nothing's come up in the eulogies or obituaries. You have (insert number ) weeks left..."

I don't recommend this one except as a last resort. 😉

Ooh, like animals, great minds!

Regarding the above, like if your mother's name is Stella, which means a Star, give your daughter Star as a middle name. For Mary, maybe use Maria, which is Mary in Latin. Maybe you don't like Susan but you do like Susette, or Susannah. Play around with your mums name to find one you like. Ette is useful as an ending as it kind of means little. Granny is Ann, your daughter is Annette or Annetta. Nor that you should have to. But if you don't want the hassle of upsetting your mum.

Even if your mum had the best name ever, I would find it too weird. As a middle name maybe, but surely your daughter deserves her own name.