To not name baby after my mum...

[girlsallowed21]

Posting on AIBU for traffic mainly as I'm in two minds about this...

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and ever since we found out it is a girl my mum has been dropping so many hints that she wants our daughter named after her. 😩

I love my mum to bits but feel horrible as neither of her names (first or middle name) are on DH and I shortlist. She has a traditional but old fashioned name.
Her reason is she's the only grandparent who's currently alive on both sides and this is our first girl...
DH isn't keen but he wouldn't mind and I know he's only saying to be polite to the MIL.

She basically already calls baby by her name when she checks up on us. For example she'll say how's little Emma doing? (name changed btw).

How would you honour your mum without naming the baby after her. I feel horrible letting her down 😥

AIBU to think her name is too old fashioned/ not to our taste?

What about her favourite flower as an extra middle name?

Or just doing what you want is fine too!

I can’t image ever being arrogant enough to think anyone should name anyone or anything after me.

I didn’t and I regret it.
Give it as an extra middle name. It’s easier to do it now than ask your child to add it later.

Middle names are for honouring people unless you love the name to use it for a first name.

Don't back down. It is so important to love your children's names.

I would have laughed at my mum if she had suggested using one of her names for the DC.

Just tell her no and soon.

What was her grandmother called? Probs Marjorie or Eileen. Would she have liked that?

I don’t see what ‘being alive’ has to do with it? If you name your dc after her, then you could argue that it’s dis-respectful to dh’s late mother, as she won’t be recognised.

Don’t let her guilt-trip you in doing something you don’t want to do. I think some stern words are needed. Explain that you will not be naming dc after her and have already chosen other names (but don’t tell her yet). Maybe thank her for her suggestions, but have decided against it.

If she has a sulk, so be it. She’s got to learn it’s your baby, not hers. Whenever she refers to little Emma, correct her saying that’s not her name and you and dh will be naming her in due course, with a name you have selected.

When I was pg with DS (oh so very many years ago) my eldest BIL cornered me (quite literally) in the living room to demand we named the baby after him.

I said no. We had a name chosen already. We did follow the 'family naming tradition' on DH's side where all boys have the same middle name.
When DS was born we called him our chosen name. BIL had duck fit because we didn't call him BIL's name.

My Dad kept adding another middle name that he wanted to DS's name. We kept correcting him until he gave up.

When DD was born we gave her my Grandmother's name as a middle name. It just happens to be a shortened version of MIL's name so they think she's named after MIL.

OP in your case you are not BU. Just keep repeating that it isn't happening.

Wow, I find that incredibly rude when she had the chance to name you, OP! It’s not her child! My mum told me I should name my first dd after her, I hate her name, so told her no way. My poor sil was expected to use the traditional family name for her dd and just gave a firm nope! I was proud of her!

My partner wanted to name our baby after his grandparents on his mums side, both still alive. I said no because I believe children should have their own names and not live in another persons shadow, that and I don’t like the names 😂 too old fashioned for my taste. Plus she might be an only child so it wouldn’t be seen as ‘fair’

Our daughter has her own first name and middle name and I don’t regret it for a second 😁

Could you make another name using the letters of her first and middle name

I wanted my child to have her own first name too. I think family middle names are fine, though, if both parents agree.

Am I the only person who would find it weird and oddly disrespectful to give my child the same first name as my mother?

“SUSAN! Get down from there!”
“Oh Susan! Why did you smear poo on the wall?”
“No, it’s not funny, Susan. It’s naughty”.
“Susan, you do NOT bite me. You do not bite anyone. Biting is nasty and it hurts.”

You already have a shortlist of names you like.

Stick to those and just be firm with her that you have already chosen a list of names you like and you won't be changing your minds.

DH is the youngest of four (three boys and a girl) and his middle name is his father's first name. Then his brother used it as a middle name for one of his sons as well. But when we had our son, we were expected to use it as well.

I've never liked the name, and I don't like FIL, so I said no. There's nothing wrong with it as such, it's a traditional name and very popular, but I don't like it and I didn't want to use it.

It was a big complicated because we were using my granddad's name as a first name for our son, but I said there are already three of them on DH's side with the name, FIL, DH, and the firstborn grandson, so we didn't need to add to that.

I'm glad I stuck to that even over a middle name. I would have been regretting it to this day if I had given in to the pressure from his family to use it.

I believe children should have their own names and not live in another persons shadow,

Yep. My name and my two middle names are respectively my mum's, my maternal GM's and my maternal GGMs. I'd have liked one of my own, and I'd like to have been seen as a new person in my own right.

@Symphony87

My partner wanted to name our baby after his grandparents on his mums side, both still alive. I said no because I believe children should have their own names and not live in another persons shadow, that and I don’t like the names 😂 too old fashioned for my taste. Plus she might be an only child so it wouldn’t be seen as ‘fair’

Our daughter has her own first name and middle name and I don’t regret it for a second 😁

Absolutely this! There's way too many names out there to keep recycling the same names over and over within the family. Good on you for saying no. I need to be more assertive here. I'm just the worst person at uncomfortable conversations but it has to be done 😬

Thanks everyone for all your responses and suggestions!! Some have given me a good old chuckle 😊

If you want to keep Mum happy choose your first name then middle name then add on a second middle name. No one except your Mum will ever use it and it won't really matter but your Mum will be over the moon.

@HalzTangz

Could you make another name using the letters of her first and middle name

Just, why??

Give the baby two middle names and one of hers is the third. No one will ever know but it’ll chill her out?!

Or just name your baby what you want to!

Just don't tell her your name plans until baby is born, then announce her name as the one you want that you've chosen. She can't do a lot about it and will be in love with baby so should let it go.

It is so deeply inappropriate to ask someone to name their baby after you! I am 😱 on you Mum’s behalf!

I did name DD after my DM. I’m named after my grandmothers, who both died before I was born. That was special to me, and I wanted to continue it.

See the difference? I wanted to continue it. My lovely DM died a few months before DH and I got together, so she never got to meet him, or my kids.

I wanted to name DD after her, and to give DD MIL’s name as her middle name - to honour both of them, like my names.

However, it was with a slight twist (think Christensen (that pronunciation) instead of McCrory).

Is there a possibility of altering it slightly?

for you OP, because your Mum is being so unreasonable.

This is pretty pushy. I would keep in mind that if you give in this time, you might be setting yourselves up for more boundary-ignoring from your mother. You'll have to draw that line with her sometime.

but if you do decide to use your mother's name as the baby's middle name, I would make it the middle name, not a third name. Not sure how things work over there but here (USA) that would be unusual and cause some headaches on various paperwork throughout the child's life.

Bottom line: as the French say, "C'est la maman qui décide!"

The person who carries the baby and labours to push the baby out of her body or bears the wound and scar of an operation to deliver it gets to name the baby! Of course she consults and discusses with the baby's DF, assuming he's 100% committed to raising the child with her, and ideally they come to an agreement, but nobody else is involved. Nobody. Unless you've married someone in the direct line to the throne and your DC is their firstborn, in which case the monarch will expect to have a say and may veto a name that sounds daft with Queen or King as a prefix, like Fifi or Storm. Or one that might sound politically or historically inappropriate for a reigning monarch, like Adolf or Oliver (think Cromwell!) or Myra.

So if anyone - anyone at all - starts getting demanding, ask to see their monarching licence!

@BigHeadBertha

This is pretty pushy. I would keep in mind that if you give in this time, you might be setting yourselves up for more boundary-ignoring from your mother. You'll have to draw that line with her sometime.

but if you do decide to use your mother's name as the baby's middle name, I would make it the middle name, not a third name. Not sure how things work over there but here (USA) that would be unusual and cause some headaches on various paperwork throughout the child's life.

It’s not unusual to have three or more names over here.

We used my mother's name as our dd's second name, luckily it is also smil's as well

I definitely wouldn't. My family does this and it ends up with people like my cousin who is in her 40s still being known as "wee [name].

Also I'd be petty and not use the name out of spite for her being cheeky lol.

Regardless, there's nothing wrong with thinking a name is old fashioned and not wanting to use it. I love my mum to bits but her name wouldn't be on my shortlist as it is quite out of style now.