To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

[Momto2girliess]

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

@BigHeadBertha

OP, there is a lot of jumping to conclusions on these types of threads.

Sometimes people read a little bit, then fill in the rest with things you haven't said, and give advice that is way too extreme for what is actually known at that point.

It's worrisome to think that some people might take that type of advice. Just something to keep in mind there.

@BigHeadBertha

None if this is relevant to the fact that mariage counselling is the VERY LAST THING recommended for relationships where one partner is being deceitful and unwilling to be transparent. It doesn't matter if the partner is full-on physically abusive or not. At the very least its a waste of time. At the very worst its downright dangerous.

Again, I talk from experience.

And by VERY LAST THING I mean, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THERE AT ALL.

I put YABU, not because you have done anything wrong, but because before I even got to the bit where he stropped, I thought that you were in a bad position. You are being quite saintly about his kids and the Ex however it really seems almost as if he has two wives. One where he is currently living with, and the other - she is very much part of your lives. I’m not surprised at all that it was his suggestion that she babysit your kids too.

This really suggests that your DH doesn’t like you to have boundaries - which is really unhealthy. He is not a good father to kids farming them out to you. He is not treating you well at all. He is now demanding that you not have anything to do with his Ex and his Kids as he is the one in control, and he is treating you as his property (and his ex too).

I’m sorry that you are in this position and I hope that you can find a way out soon.

She's clearly been where you are now, and was able to break away from him, I’d be a little wary of confiding too much and leaning on the Ex, as she is obviously still caught up with him as by being pally with you she was pleasing him. I don’t think she’s out of his clutches to be honest.

Hiya, This is all very odd. Sound like he still wants to be the most important person to his ex in some way and feels he's losing that position.

Where abouts are you from in Madagascar? It's a bit different isn't it. I would suggest that you work on your networks over here so you have people to turn to. How old are your children with him? Still young enough for children's centres? Find out what's currently happening in your local one. Or if older maybe join the PTA at their school? Or perhaps get in contact with a Malagasy in the UK community group. Even if the other members aren't local you still might be able to attend some events. Can say it's for your children's sake, keeping them in touch with their heritage.

Karakarao tsara ny tenanao Mon cheri

I'm suspicious of the reason he gave for ending his first marriage. It is obvious that he is lying about why he doesn't want you to speak to his wife.

How are things generally? Are you happy with him?

I would start researching the legalities just so you know what your options are if you do divorce. Try to save a little money, if you can. Can you pick up some work?

It's all very odd and worrying for you.

Men really have it all don't them? An ex and a wife, both of them taking care of their two sets of children while they are free from all responsibilities, and still get to dictate what the wife can or cannot do in her own house.

Why are we women such doormats?

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, OP. I just came on here to say please to not heed BigHeadBertha. Your DH is abusive and couple therapy when there is abuse is definitely off the cards. My dd mistakenly went to couple therapy with her abusive ex and they ended up worse than before.

@aurynne

Men really have it all don't them? An ex and a wife, both of them taking care of their two sets of children while they are free from all responsibilities, and still get to dictate what the wife can or cannot do in her own house.

Why are we women such doormats?

I think that's quite an unpleasant comment actually. You might like to reframe that as 'why are some men so good at convincing women that this is a good idea?', rather than blame women for men's poor behaviour.

The op is not a doormat for wanting to do what's best for her family. Her husband is a prick for convincing her this was a good idea then trying to isolate and control her.

HTH

He'll turn it all on you and will gaslight you into dropping your friendship.

I wouldn't speak to him alone. I'd get the Ex round and have it out with her there. He can't weedle his way out of it then.

He is a nasty man

How old are your children op?

he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's)

Let him. Including taking care of them during the day too.

If he wants to be like that he can. But he doesn't get to also demand help from you just when he needs it. Sod that.

OP needs professional advice. Asking ex to come round to face him together would likely be explosive. OP doesn't really know if she can trust the ex, who has only shared texts when confronted. Also, "are you mad at me" has not been explained by ex. If not confronted, would she have agreed to meet DH secretly as he suggested? OP needs to get out of whole situation, and due to vulnerabilities is unlikely to achieve this without the support of an organisation. I hope she comes back to the thread.

Are all the deleted posts ones that criticised @BigHeadBertha ?

Their comments are extraordinarily misguided and it’s only right they are called out. Extremely worrying.

She is really the only friend I have, because my dp doesn't like me to be out. I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart. no, it really doesn’t.

I have a medical condition and I know that my DP worries about me when I’m out. But not to the extent he calls to check up on me constantly or that he would prevent me from going out.

I do think there is likely something more going on with the ex, perhaps he has feelings for her still, I don’t know, his saying “I don’t want to lose you, or her” speaks volumes.

And ignore @BigHeadBertha she probably works on a supermarket checkout, anyone can come on here and claim to be anything they like, hey I’m a brain surgeon, and because I’ve said it on here it must be true, there is no way on earth that she is any kind of counsellor.