To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

[Momto2girliess]

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP I'm SO sorry to hear that what you thought was a friendly, workable situation between you, your partner, his ex, and her new partner, has gone so spectacularly wrong! As others have said, it has now become clear that he is an abusive, controlling, lying, bastard, and isn't kind or loving to you, just tells you that he is so that he can control you, and you don't see what he's really up to. The fact that you have now found out the truth behind his demands to ditch the friendship with his ex, makes you extremely vulnerable, and whatever you do, please DO NOT delete his ex's number, but ask her for help in leaving him. She obviously is your friend as she explained what has been going on, rather than leaving you to pester him for a reason, possibly ending up getting a slap for your trouble. She's clearly been where you are now, and was able to break away from him, which is what you need to do for the sake of yourself and your children. If you still have family at home that you have lost touch with because of him, please don't be too proud to contact them and ask for their help to leave him, as maybe they saw something in him, which you didn't until now.

Did he imagine that everything to do with his ex and her DH was on his terms, and now he's horrified that you are actually friends with her?

I agree with those saying to be very careful how you raise this with him.

@SengaMac

Did he imagine that everything to do with his ex and her DH was on his terms, and now he's horrified that you are actually friends with her?

I agree with those saying to be very careful how you raise this with him.

Please OP, do not hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe.

He is a deeply manipulative, duplicitous man.

Please protect yourself.

Women's Aid would be a good organisation to call.

She’s his ex for a reason. Maybe he feels uncomfortable that you might share information with each other about him, and he wants clearer boundaries. It’s good to have a civil relationship between ex’s but I think in this situation, IMO, the relationship is too close for comfort.

@Livelovebehappy

She’s his ex for a reason. Maybe he feels uncomfortable that you might share information with each other about him, and he wants clearer boundaries. It’s good to have a civil relationship between ex’s but I think in this situation, IMO, the relationship is too close for comfort.

Did you read the bit where her dh actively encouraged this set up?

I don't think the behaviour you describe is caring, I think it stems from wanting to stop you going out.

[quote JesusIsAnyNameFree]**@BigHeadBertha

A husband telling a lie to his wife and reaching out to the ex and her husband behind the wife's back is not in any way, shape or form the type of thing where joint counseling is not recommended. It is exactly the type of thing that joint counseling is recommended for

He told her she wasn't to speak to her and to delete her number. That is controlling and abusive.
He is making sure this woman is isolated from everyone. She needs to keep in constant contact with him if she leaves the house and it's all done under the ruse of being caring and loving. Typical behaviour of a controlling and abusive partner.

Btw, I am a licensed counselor, though not for marriage counseling. Stop arguing and learn. You are simply incorrect

This is getting so very dangerous now. OP, do not under any circumstances listen to this person. I beg of you.[/quote]
All of this, completely.

@BigHeadBertha you've doubled down on your stance despite it becoming increasingly clear that OP is being isolated from any support network.

It's really off to continue telling her to further isolate herself from her one source of support just to try and point score on here.

OP, he is isolating you and people who love their partner want them to have good friendships. You had that with his ex. He's suddenly decided he doesn't want you to have that anymore and has told a massive lie that paints you as a jealous and unreasonable partner to stop your friendship.

His ex is concerned for you and knows he is a liar. She wants to look out for you. Let her.

@Momto2girliess

Home is in Madagascar. Far far. He is home now. So I am going to talk to him properly about all this.

His ex was actually shocked, and reassured me on the phone. She is very nice to me. I told her I never was jealous. She told me that he has a history of lying before but didn't feel like it was her place to say anything.

She is really the only friend I have, because my dp doesn't like me to be out. I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart.
Thank you again everyone

Well, it seems clear that we still don't know much of what's going on here, which is not surprising because it doesn't seem you do, either.

It seems strange that your husband would want to isolate you from his ex when he is the one who has been responsible for you getting close with her and has fostered it for seven years. Unless he just feels it's gotten too close for his comfort now and has changed his mind, but used a sneaky way to change things rather than speaking to you as he should have.

As far as him lying, it might also make a difference in how to proceed if you know more about that. If he tends to lie to get out of sticky confrontations (like possibly just being uncomfortable with you and his ex becoming as close as you have), that's not right but it's also not the same as if his pattern is lying for darker reasons like to get away with affairs, hide marital money, isolate you from others or etc.

Also, your paragraph about him not liking you to go out contradicts itself. You use the words "harass" and say he "doesn't like you to be out" but then you say you have a medical condition and that it's to "see if you are fine" and that it "comes from a good heart." In English, we wouldn't use the word "harass" to mean someone is looking out for us in a way we like, as a husband with a wife who is not from here and has a medical condition might to out of good concern for his wife's wellbeing; "harassing" is a bad thing.

So does he try to keep you shut off from others so he can control you? Or do you just not know many people because you're not from here and stay home with kids most of the time?

You might want to think of ways to make friends that aren't connected to your husband's ex-wife, too. Do your kids have any playmates whose mothers you could get to know, for example?

@Livelovebehappy

She’s his ex for a reason. Maybe he feels uncomfortable that you might share information with each other about him, and he wants clearer boundaries. It’s good to have a civil relationship between ex’s but I think in this situation, IMO, the relationship is too close for comfort.

Unbelievable

Definitely sounds like some unresolved issues on his part.

from what you've shared OP doesn't sound like there's anything untoward going on between them but he's definitely feeling threatened by your close relationship with his ex wife which is a little weird considering he's facilitated the friendship between you two

Sounds like my ex, he doesnt like me speaking to his partner in case I tell her any details about how abusive he was during our marriage. Not that I would unless she asked, but he is obviously worried that she will find out. By going to great lengths to discourage her from communicating with me or her step children (my two DDs) he has in fact completely ruined his own relationship with both of them as he is a pretty crap dad and useless at getting in touch unless he wants to complain or moan at them about something.

OP- he probably has something that he doesnt want her to bring up in conversation.

BigHeadBertha one of my exes got me to move away from all his family and then encouraged me to be friends with his friends, only his friends. He didn't like it at all when I saw them without them (rarely) and I found out later that he'd been undermining me for years by lying about me to those he thought were closest to me.

So yes, this makes a horrible sort of sense to me. Unless you've been through it, you really will find it hard to believe that abusers do this sort of thing. The ones that do this, are generally the 'nice guy' types who no one would ever suspect of being controlling and abusive.

A husband telling a lie to his wife and reaching out to the ex and her husband behind the wife's back is not in any way, shape or form the type of thing where joint counseling is not recommended. It is exactly the type of thing that joint counseling is recommended for

Sorry @BigHeadBertha, but this is absolute bollocks. If a partner is being deceitful and manipulative - e.g. telling lies and doing stuff behind their partner's back - it stands to reason they will also be deceitful and manipulative in the counselling sessions as well. Meaning, at the very least, they will be a complete waste of time as nothing concrete can be achieved if one half is deliberately undermining things.

I speak from experience.

I appreciate you say your a counsellor, however let's just say your viewpoint differs from the many other counsellors I've spoken to and I'd be unlikely to hire your services given what you posted!

My family, not his family. He moved me to the town where his family lived!

OP, there is a lot of jumping to conclusions on these types of threads.

Sometimes people read a little bit, then fill in the rest with things you haven't said, and give advice that is way too extreme for what is actually known at that point.

It's worrisome to think that some people might take that type of advice. Just something to keep in mind there.

I wonder why NOW all of a sudden?

What's happened or what's changed?

my suspicion is that introducing the ex would keep OP on her toes, that the message he gave the ex was pure projection of what he actually wanted - he a bit jealous and paranoid and not really comfortable.

it ties in with the isolation and the checking up regarding the medical issue harrasment.

And it backfired badly when he realised that OP and the ex actually like each other and probably get on better that he and the ex.

I have bad feelings about this

as an aside, how did you manage your medical condition before he came along to check up on you? And how long have you been away from everywhere/ everyone?

were your children born there? Is it a country with good support if you need it?

BigheadBertha some people on this thread have experience of controlling relationships and can see some worrying signs of this in the OP's husband's behaviour. If directly confronted, an abusive controlling person may be dangerous and this situation needs careful handling.

The OP, if she has lived wIthin a controlling relationship for any length of time, will be very confused by the dawning of the reality of her situation. Your posts make it clear that this situation is not something you understand.

He is isolating you... controlling you... this is part of abuse. You are in an abusive relationship OP. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

You should leave. Are you in the Uk? Can you speak to women's aid?

Fucking hell @BigHeadBertha are you ops partner? All your “advice” is beyond fucked up.

Op please be careful. This is a pattern of isolation and control. I can’t see a way back from this.

Also, your paragraph about him not liking you to go out contradicts itself. You use the words "harass" and say he "doesn't like you to be out" but then you say you have a medical condition and that it's to "see if you are fine" and that it "comes from a good heart." In English, we wouldn't use the word "harass" to mean someone is looking out for us in a way we like, as a husband with a wife who is not from here and has a medical condition might to out of good concern for his wife's wellbeing; "harassing" is a bad thing.

This is absolute patronising nonsense. The OP is perfectly clear what's going on - he claims he is doing it from concern, but really he is harassing her.

BigHeadBertha - you really should stop this - you are putting someone at risk with your need to appear right on this thread. If you really are a counsellor I suggest now is the time to step back and reflect.

First he isolates you then makes sure your totally dependent on him. Cuts off any friendships. You need to put your foot down as this is sounding like domestic abuse. The isolation and making people think your irrational before the physical abuse starts to make sure they think your crazy as his the one they will think is having a rough time of it.

@BigHeadBertha I might not be a Counsellor or Psychologist but I have worked with Social Services and with families of a similar make up to the OP's. It is more than crystal clear that the OP is in an abusive relationship. Your advice is irresponsible at best, dangerous at worst. Seriously if you are a Counsellor of any genuine training (and not just a correspondence-course-'Counsellor'), if you are a Counsellor at all, I am the Pope and I am the Queen at the same time.

From personal and professional experience, most Counsellors did a short course by correspondence, and/or are seriously messed up themselves and think they can become Counsellors themselves as it's so easy to do. There is a reason Psychologists, Clinical Psychologists and Psychiatrists are held in higher professional esteem. I have seen a couple of the most unhinged and deceitful people become 'Counsellors'.

@BigHeadBertha for the sake of the OP, you should leave this thread. Your advice is beyond horrific. I find it unbelievable that you are any sort of counsellor.

U said
'She has been texting me all day ( I feel like he told her something because she keeps asking me if I am mad at her) and I asked her if she knows anything about this. Now I am waiting for her to reply.'

Have they slept together?