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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
lightand · 01/06/2021 17:35

So sounding like you dont really want him to stop.

lightand · 01/06/2021 17:37

I posted that before I had read your last message, but I would still post the same.

Until you Really want the man to stop, it wont. And it will all get a lot nastier.

QioiioiioQ · 01/06/2021 17:39

Because he is in a position of power over you
yup, you're over a barrel, he's trying to compromise you as much as he can...maybe he wants to fu(k your relationship up to make himself feel better?

Gliblet · 01/06/2021 17:40

@UhohBoss

Yesterday afternoon, he sent an inappropriate message. I said "Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now." he said "ooh, talk dirty to me ;)", I said "I'm done now". He immediately responded with "I know I know I know. I'm sorry and I was just messing. How's the dog?" (the dog had been at the vet). I do call him out, I do tell him to stop - he just starts up again.
Lather, rinse, repeat. If you're not prepared to cut him off completely, you need a consistent approach to show him you're not joking. That response needs to appear every time - every time - he starts being sexual or flirty. It's up to you whether you try changing the subject to something really mundane and unsexy, saying 'I've asked you to stop doing that. I'm muting your messages until tomorrow now', or 'You know I'm not interested, what are you hoping to gain from flirting with me?'.

After that, it's up to you to decide when you run out of patience. At some stage you'll hit the tipping point between concern for someone who might be having a hard time, and irritation at someone who is definitely causing you a hard time.

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 17:41

You think he might kill himself if he's not allowed to 'sext' you?
Seriously?
Read that back to yourself. It's laughable.
What if he'd kill himself unless you gave him a blow job?
Or he'd kill himself unless he bent you over the kitchen table and banged you.

If you are not enjoying this on any level, and you say that's the case, then you end communication with him and you tell your husband why. It may be that he looks for another job. Fair enough.

This guy's mental health does not hinge on whether or not he uses you as wank fodder. Whatever he does or does not do to himself is not your problem. I very much doubt you'll be attending his funeral and have people saying oh if only you'd rimmed him this would never have happened.

He's revolting and you owe him nothing.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2021 17:41

Jack is a grade A cunt who has no respect for women. Just show your DH the texts before you block Jack.

If Jack then starts acting like a grade A cunt towards your DH at work, he'll have proof as to why, when he escalates his complaint.

Coconuttts · 01/06/2021 17:43

I think you're making excuses to stay "friends" with this person. If this was reversed, would you want to be talking things through / placating your boss, if that boss was perving at your DH?? It makes no sense. It makes me angry on your husbands behalf, tbh

SunshineCake · 01/06/2021 17:43

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.
Ha ha Hmm

This man isn't going to kill himself if you tell him to stop being a perve.

Zzelda · 01/06/2021 17:43

I also really like the idea of just bombarding him with something entirely non-sexual that we have mutual interests in

He's going to see this as a green light. In his mind it says "I'm still interested and I definitely want to stay in contact with you but I daren't say that I'm dying for you to shag me", Please just ignore him.

DaphneDuBois · 01/06/2021 17:44

You absolutely need to put a stop to this immediately. It’s disgusting to be sending messages like that to his friend’s wife, regardless of your past history. Staying silent about it is as good as tacit approval. You either reply and say, ‘I’m married - stop messaging me things that cross the line of our friendship or I’ll tell my husband’ or you skip straight to telling him. Unless you are somehow enjoying the attention a bit, I can’t understand why you didn’t stop it the second the line was crossed.

HalzTangz · 01/06/2021 17:46

Tell jack to grow up, that you aren't interested in him in that way, and if he continues the comments and messages you will tell your husband and cease the friendship

DaphneDuBois · 01/06/2021 17:47

You are telling him to stop and he’s persisting which means the way you are telling him to stop is being rammed home. ‘STOP OR I WIILL SHOW MY HUSBAND’ needs to be the message. Stop facilitating this idiot saying ‘I like the danger’.

DaphneDuBois · 01/06/2021 17:48

^ needs to be rammed home

JingsMahBucket · 01/06/2021 17:48

@UhohBoss this thread and its responses have gone really weird. People are ganging up on you needlessly at this point. It's shocking how swift and vitriolic they are. I don't think you're angling for attention. You sound mostly confused and hurt to me, especially in the context of possibly losing a years-long good friendship.

I believe you when you say you're not courting or encouraging Jack's behaviour.

I think you're getting such a harsh Scarlet Letter response because MN hates cheaters and are willing to blame the woman in this case even though she's not necessarily to blame.

In terms of remedies, I would also suggest blocking Jack on your phone and not warning before doing so either. After blocking him, talk to your husband and tell him that Jack kept escalating the situation and you finally blocked him and want to take a big step back from the friendship. Tell your husband you don't want Jack over at the house anymore or to hang out with him either with your husband around or alone. I'd also mention to him that even though you blocked Jack, you still kept and screenshotted all the messages so that if he retaliates at work, you have evidence to back you and your husband up just in case.

HalzTangz · 01/06/2021 17:48

@UhohBoss

These are all good suggestions but I don't think DH's working environment would be great after I tell his boss to fuck off haha.
This is nothing to do with work and if Jack takes it into work your husband can complain to jack's boss
Summerfun54321 · 01/06/2021 17:49

Who are trying to look after, Jack or his penis? Because the sexual messages have nothing to do with looking after Jack and everything to do with looking after Jack’s penis.

PhilCornwall1 · 01/06/2021 17:49

@WorraLiberty

Jack is a grade A cunt who has no respect for women. Just show your DH the texts before you block Jack.

If Jack then starts acting like a grade A cunt towards your DH at work, he'll have proof as to why, when he escalates his complaint.

Exactly this.

Give the messages to your DH. He can then politely tell his boss that if he doesn't stop, he'll staple his testicles behind his ears, very slowly.

If the boss decides to be a prick about it, I'd be warning him that all the evidence will be on its way to HR, along with a grievance, after feeding him his testicles.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2021 17:50

@DaphneDuBois

You are telling him to stop and he’s persisting which means the way you are telling him to stop is being rammed home. ‘STOP OR I WIILL SHOW MY HUSBAND’ needs to be the message. Stop facilitating this idiot saying ‘I like the danger’.
She's been asking him to stop, not telling him.

Even though the OP says the messages are 'exceptionally explicit' and he's been 'fantasising' about 'doing her'...

QioiioiioQ · 01/06/2021 17:53

this is about Jack pulling rank over your husband to big himself up and make himself feel better

DiscordandRhyme · 01/06/2021 17:55

Jack sounds just like a guy I know who is with my old best friend... almost the exact same kind of messages.

In the end I actually lost my shit at him.

I'm very non confrontational OP which is why I tried deflecting

Him: what would you do with me if I was there?
Me: dunno maybe a game of Uno? It's been ages since I've played that.

Or just ignoring him.

I get it OP my self esteem is crap too. I didn't enjoy the attention but I feared being hated, being blamed etc. But ultimately if someone has any respect for you they'll back off when you tell them to no ifs or buts.

The guy I know tried saying he loved me, couldn't bare not to talk to me etc. When I confronted him and said friendly or nothing at all I've heard nothing since - so obviously he could bare not talking.

You should get angry OP because that's what spurred me on 

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/06/2021 17:55

Your last message was almost verging on 'prim', OP. But it's very sad. You say that your husband knows that Jack is inappropriate. That must be awful. You know that your husband tacitly doesn't mind - and that this Jack, must be trying it on wherever he can, and you're dressing it up as friendship. Perhaps you'd like your husband to give Jack a thump to show he cares?

It must be very disheartening for you to know that nobody is bothered that Jack is being a scum-bag. I agree with PP that you'd not want your husband to see the text responses from you though.

I've read your posts in this thread and they reveal a lot. Many women have been through what you have, OP, up to a point - because they stopped it. Genuinely didn't want this and stopped it. Why have you not done that? Answer: because you don't want to, that's the simple answer and all your posturing is just that. Nobody sees you as the 'cool, sexy girl' either, nobody here - and not Jack either, he really doesn't care a jot that he's helping you to jeopardise your marriage.

Block him. Be the one to put a stop to this rather than allowing it to escalate, because that's the fire you're currently fanning the flames of.

QioiioiioQ · 01/06/2021 17:56

you should be saying 'OI! pack it or else', but because he's in a position of power you feel unable to say much more than 'oh please stop'
he understands all this but his woman his kicked him to the curb and he's going to do whatever he feels like in order to bolster his wounded pride

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 17:57

OP you are relishing this ..

that much is obvious

Tambora · 01/06/2021 17:59

@UhohBoss

I'm getting a lot of mixed responses here. First I'm being told to tell him to stop, then when I say that I have done that I get told that I'm encouraging him by responding at all and that I should be ignoring him or changing the subject. Then when I point out that I have tried to change the subject, I get told that it's disloyal and I shouldn't ignore it and need to call him out and tell him to stop... I can do no right apparently. Thank you to the few commenters who have actually been through this and understand that not all women are begging for all men to fancy them or fawn over them. To be clear, he has no legitimate interest in me at all - and that would be why DH has no concern over him being a bit silly (also because Jack is absolutely not someone that I could ever be attracted to at all). DH would have an issue with the fact that Jack's messages are disrespectful and objectify me and disrespect DH - DH is fully aware that Jack is behaving inappropriately and I wouldn't keep that from him. The suggestion to push DH to talk to him more as a support is a great one and I think it's a great idea - it'll work really well. I also really like the idea of just bombarding him with something entirely non-sexual that we have mutual interests in. Thank you for these.
If you continue messaging him for any reason whatsoever he will think that he's won. He is enjoying being the Alpha male and getting one over on your husband - and turning him into a cuckold.

You have to tell him that you are sick and tired of it, and it stops right now. Block him.

I reckon your DH is probably quietly rather humiliated and upset about the fact that you haven't blocked him already.

JingsMahBucket · 01/06/2021 18:01

Honestly a lot of the responses blaming the OP saying "she wants the attention" sound a shit ton like rape culture, saying "she wanted it". People need to stop blaming the victim. You'd think on a site oriented to women that would be a baseline position but I guess not. Posters on this thread are ready to brand the hussy 1700s style.