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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's boss likes me

245 replies

UhohBoss · 01/06/2021 14:28

NC because this could be outing.
I used to work at the place where DH works now. My colleague (Jack - fake name) when I worked there is now DH's boss. Jack and I were VERY close friends. We hung out a lot, messaged a lot, got on really well. There was never any attraction there from either side - not my type at all. Some of our interactions were somewhat flirty but the same way you'd flirt with girlfriends on a night out - not actually sexual at all.
I no longer work there but DH now works there (DH and I never worked there at the same time). I was under the impression that Jack was now a closer friend of DH's than of mine. Jack has recently broken up with his partner and we've been talking a fair amount. He comes over to the house a lot (usually DH is here too, has dinner with us, plays with the kids etc). Over the last week or so, Jack's started to message me a bit differently and, when he's drunk, the messages have become a bit sexual (as well as a few comments made in person). He's said comments about my body, about having been with married women before, about what I'd be like in bed etc. A couple of messages have been exceptionally explicit, saying things that he's fantasised about doing to me. I've mentioned bits and pieces to DH but not been completely open with how brazen a lot of the messages are - DH was there when Jack said about how being married wouldn't put him off sleeping with a woman. I've mostly tried to laugh it off and shrug it off because I'm aware he's in a really bad headspace and he's a really important friend to me - he's definitely just projecting his loneliness/depression and trying to be someone he isn't (the typical "I can't get my heart broken again if I act like a player" act).
I'm concerned that if I tell DH everything, I'd make his working environment difficult. DH can be a little bit hot-headed and possessive of me. I'm also aware that Jack is going through a really tough time and needs some support. What do I do here?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 01/06/2021 18:03

@aiwblam

You need to somehow get these messages from Jack to stop without jeopardising your dh’s job or working conditions.

Priority 1 is your marriage so tell your dh about the messages and tell him to keep it to himself. If he gets cross in any way with Jack, he could put his own employment at risk.

You could then message Jack to try and calm his messages down as diplomatically as you can.

Any other bloke and fuck off would be fine. But not someone who has the power to slash your household income!

Rubbish, jack can't do anything in the work place, just showing the messages to jack's boss would put a stop to ay behaviour he may cause at work
Rinoachicken · 01/06/2021 18:03

You said your husband does really mind - except you don’t actually know how much he does or doesn’t mind because he hasn’t actually seen the messages has he.

Why are you keeping them from him?

He should be furious that someone should show you and him so much disrespect. He would probably be devastated and confused as to why it’s gone on so long without you showing him, or blocking the guy.

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 18:03

@JingsMahBucket

Honestly a lot of the responses blaming the OP saying "she wants the attention" sound a shit ton like rape culture, saying "she wanted it". People need to stop blaming the victim. You'd think on a site oriented to women that would be a baseline position but I guess not. Posters on this thread are ready to brand the hussy 1700s style.

Nothing like it...

Shameful comparison

Rinoachicken · 01/06/2021 18:03

Husband DOESN’T really mind that should say

IAmADoorbell · 01/06/2021 18:05

Jack, this is absurd

howling with laughter! That sounds almost like an encouragement. Get a grip for goodness sake OP

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2021 18:07

@JingsMahBucket

Honestly a lot of the responses blaming the OP saying "she wants the attention" sound a shit ton like rape culture, saying "she wanted it". People need to stop blaming the victim. You'd think on a site oriented to women that would be a baseline position but I guess not. Posters on this thread are ready to brand the hussy 1700s style.
Either way, the OP needs to block the man who is sending her messages saying he's fantasising about fucking her.
wildeverose · 01/06/2021 18:12

So have you actually told him you want him to stop? And that you mean it? It doesn't sound that way, and seems you're enjoying it on some level. Why on earth haven't you messaged and said it's wildly inappropriate and it needs to stop. "Trying to dissuade" is a half arsed attempt and he probably thinks you don't actually want him to. Be firm, and stop allowing this to happen.

HalzTangz · 01/06/2021 18:12

@UhohBoss

Yesterday afternoon, he sent an inappropriate message. I said "Jack, this is absurd. This isn't how we speak to each other, it's not ok and I'm not doing this. You need to stop now." he said "ooh, talk dirty to me ;)", I said "I'm done now". He immediately responded with "I know I know I know. I'm sorry and I was just messing. How's the dog?" (the dog had been at the vet). I do call him out, I do tell him to stop - he just starts up again.
If he starts up again he isn't a friend, and depression isn't a excuse for his behaviour. You need to be firm, say I'm telling husband and showing him these messages, I've asked you to stop and you haven't. I cant continue to be friends with you, you are disrespecting me by ignoring my messages. You either stop, or we are no longer friends
Namechangedlady · 01/06/2021 18:13

Hoenstly, if this was me, the first thing I would be doing is showing all the messages to DH. We'll I would have shown him the very first one and each and every one after but it's too late for that now.

Let him deal with it workwise, HR maybe? Then you just block and delete.

wildeverose · 01/06/2021 18:16

Or - better yet, block him. He can have a working relationship with DH. YOU have no need to speak to him. So stop.

DiscordandRhyme · 01/06/2021 18:19

I too think people are piling on.

It's easy for people to judge when they don't have the same life experiences, friendship dynamic etc.

I do think you should sever all contact though OP.

I do think you're a bit naive to assume he's not into you. A lot of men are into their female friends.

TheCrowening · 01/06/2021 18:21

“If you really want me to stop, I’ll stop.”

“I really want you to stop, I am serious.”

Any more messages, block him. He’s obviously the sort who takes any reply as encouragement, so you need to cut him dead.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:22

I've only read bits and pieces since this thread is so long now but this needs to stop ASAP. If nothing else, just block him immediately and make up excuses when it comes to socializing with him.

We are not usually all that important in other people's lives and you are not qualified to be a therapist, either.

He may wonder why we don't ever seem available anymore and may feel a little sad for a while but everyone has moved on or been left behind from many, many people by now so it's nothing startling to them. If you just cut him off, he WILL move on and then it's all in the past.

If you don't, be prepared for the consequences.

grapewine · 01/06/2021 18:22

@UhohBoss

I've tried to dissuade him from sending messages like that but I'm usually met with responses like "I like the danger" or "If you really want me to stop, I'll stop" (but then he starts again).
Run of the mill dickhead not listening to you. Block his ass.
BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 18:26

@DiscordandRhyme

I too think people are piling on.

It's easy for people to judge when they don't have the same life experiences, friendship dynamic etc.

I do think you should sever all contact though OP.

I do think you're a bit naive to assume he's not into you. A lot of men are into their female friends.

Yes Im sure her Husband would feel the same if he knew about his Boss and his Wife, such a difficult decision to press that Block button.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2021 18:30

Well I can see why jacks marriage broke down He clearly has no respect for women and their feelings.
I’d send a final message: Jack I have asked you to stop sending me inappropriate messages and explained to you that it makes me uncomfortable. You haven’t stopped. This is effecting our friendship I am not able to exchange texts with you any more. I understand that you are going through a tough time and I wish you all the best. I will continue to support you together with DH ( add something here about the in person interactions you and dh have with Jack eg dinner)
Then block him

Misery loves company. He doesn’t care about the impact on your marriage. He’s probably prefer to have more single friends. Shoe him you care about your marriage
If he tries to say something to you, be firm and say it’s not working for me I am happy to support you by dh and I having you to dinner and all 3 of us talking Make it clear you and dh are a team and you will not be with him alone or message him

IdblowJonSnow · 01/06/2021 18:31

Sounds like you like the attention to me OP. Otherwise you'd have put a stop to this some time ago.
I can't understand why you care about this guy's feelings.
Just block him.

RainyMayDay · 01/06/2021 18:32

Block him. Any response you make will be seen as encouragement.

A man who behaves like this is not vulnerable. He’s trying to feel good about himself and will bring your marriage down in the process. He won’t care because his own relationship is over.

He doesn’t care for you at all. Someone who cares for you cares for your happiness and your marriage.

KnottedFern · 01/06/2021 18:32

How would you feel if you found dirty messages between your friend and your husband and he had kept them from you?

MintyMabel · 01/06/2021 18:32

I'm getting a lot of mixed responses here.
You’re asking for advice on an Internet forum, do you really think every response will be the same?

I can do no right apparently.

You can stop engaging. Which is what the majority of people have said, albeit with differing advice on how to do that. Stop pretending that you are being forced to engage with this guy for the good of your husbands job and this guy’s mental health. Take responsibility for your part in it. You are still in touch with him because you want to be. Tell him you can’t text with him any more and block his number. Or, just block his number. If he makes your husband’s work life miserable then you will have to deal with that but there is no world where someone’s partner has to deal with that person’s boss harassing them by text.

godmum56 · 01/06/2021 18:40

If you really really wanted to stop him you could do it in a heartbeat. Just block the man and keep the evidence....no "I'm done".... no "don't do this" no responding about the dog...nothing.
I haven't read back but had you thought what you would do if he told your partner and made it look as though you had been teasing him and stringing him along?
He's not a friend, he's not misguided hes a slimey nasty person.

godmum56 · 01/06/2021 18:43

@Rainbowqueeen

Well I can see why jacks marriage broke down He clearly has no respect for women and their feelings. I’d send a final message: Jack I have asked you to stop sending me inappropriate messages and explained to you that it makes me uncomfortable. You haven’t stopped. This is effecting our friendship I am not able to exchange texts with you any more. I understand that you are going through a tough time and I wish you all the best. I will continue to support you together with DH ( add something here about the in person interactions you and dh have with Jack eg dinner) Then block him

Misery loves company. He doesn’t care about the impact on your marriage. He’s probably prefer to have more single friends. Shoe him you care about your marriage
If he tries to say something to you, be firm and say it’s not working for me I am happy to support you by dh and I having you to dinner and all 3 of us talking Make it clear you and dh are a team and you will not be with him alone or message him

nah...no continued support no final messages, meet only in public if you can't avoid it DO NOT have him in your house. I should say this is from near personal experience, not me but a close friend, the slimey shit you are dealing with is not the only slimey shit out there.
godmum56 · 01/06/2021 18:44

Oh and PS he does not "like" you, he is using you. Wake up!

QioiioiioQ · 01/06/2021 18:44

Jack knows fine well that she didnt tell her husband at first b/c she thought she'd be able to shut Jack down and deal with it herself, he knows that having not told him she's now in a tricky position where she hasnt been firm enough with Jack, so could be accused of wanting the attention, and having not told her H she looks guilty b/c she is hiding things.
Jack is playing you both to amuse himself and distract himself from whatever he doesnt want to face or feel....imo

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:45

Yeah ok. I’m sorry it’s not ok. You can put a stop to this. You continue to engage with him. But you can say very clearly “I value this friendship but if anymore inappropriate texts and our friendship is over. There will never be anything inappropriate between us”

But you’re not doing that op and your justification is if you tell yout husband or you tell Jack one of them might do something stupid. So oh dear, it is just continuing

No your husband won’t buy it. Like no one on here is.

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