Life is such a long, relentless slog

[Whatapalavaa]

I'm feeling very miserable after the bank holiday weekend. Life is one long slog. Work, work, work. 4 weeks off a year that we should be grateful for. Trying to fit hobbies and rest into evenings and weekends. Repeat for however many years. I am late 20s and the years stretching ahead are terrifying. I cannot wait to retire. It all feels like a con. Can anyone relate?

@Whatapalavaa I read a satire article that asked what you really like to do for a different job. It was full of things that people love doing, but nobody would ever pay you to do.

@shakingstevensfan

What did you love about life? Genuine question.

Maybe they are too high. But I don't expect to feel ecstatic everyday just to feel like all this is actually worth anything.

I loved the sense of possibility. Like there were so many things I still wanted to do and so many things that were possible to do. I had so much energy.

One thing I notice though is you have talked about travelling in the past. I know many people who spent quite some time travelling who found it hard to settle back into normal life afterwards. I wonder if you need to find that sense of adventure again in some way in normal life?

OP,
Do you love your house? Do you feel any excitement about when it is done imagining a housewarming etc? Or choosing paint/ colour schemes etc?
Facing doing up a house, can be a lot and feel very overwhelming. Do you have anyone to help you? Do you have the money to pay for the work or is it drinks and drabs?

Also, lots of people need a goal bigger than themselves to achieve.
You have to create your own meaning in life. A reason to live. Helping others, striving for a better world in some ways, are all answers to that question.

I’ve always tried to earn as much as I can by doing as little as possible. I never work more than my hours I am paid for and worked out that working 3 days a week would give me enough to live off so that’s what I do. Yes I could maybe go on another holiday, have a bigger house or car but I don’t care about any of those things.

@CaraherEIL dribs and drabs. I do love it yes, but it's hard being the only one paying for it all (and no I'd never get a housemate or lodger).

Yes, that’s hard and draining I was in the same position and you can never get anywhere really nice.
Also I wouldn’t have a lodger either it felt like it defeated the purpose of getting my own place!
Is there any part you could make really lovely, that you could entertain/ socialise in? Maybe a painting or gardening party just to show off your house abit and feel like you are not tackling it all on your own?
You have done so great to get on the property ladder in your 20s but if you are working full time and then trying to work on your house in any free time you have you are bound to feel exhausted and abit trapped.

Also, lots of people need a goal bigger than themselves to achieve.You have to create your own meaning in life. A reason to live. Helping others, striving for a better world in some ways, are all answers to that question.

I agree with this 100%. I've had jobs I've loathed and also jobs that were fine on paper (ok pay, ok hours, nice enough people) but still left me feeling unfulfilled and a bit "what's the point?" So I took a pay cut for a job that not only gives me a good work life balance but also, crucially, a feeling that I've made a difference. I don't feel like "a hamster on a wheel" at all. I feel tired and sometimes under pressure but I also feel inspired and motivated to keep striving because I believe passionately in what I'm doing.

You just need to find your passion, OP. Something that feels worth striving for. That might be work, it might be travel, it might be family, it might be a social/political cause...whatever it is, life is too short to feel the way you do without doing something to change it.

@Whatapalavaa

I'd potter about the house, do my volunteer work, exercise, read books, garden and bake, and nap. I'd travel regularly and have days out. In my dreams . I just think when I hit approx 24 I thought god this is shit. I've had lots of incredible experiences and opportunities, but it doesn't change the fact that there are possibly another 50 odd years to go. I've never understood people who seem to love life.

The things you want to do are the sort of things people can do if they can afford not to work. It sounds as though you just don't like going to work. It's not intended as a criticism or a suggestion that you're lazy, but the constraints and obligations of employment prevent you from having freedom to do things you enjoy when you want to do them. Given that statistically a big lottery win isn't very likely, I'm not sure how you address that.

I suppose all you can do is take the least actively unpleasant job you can get and work the fewest hours and most flexible working pattern you can negotiate.

@ilovesooty I know, you're right it can't be addressed, so you just have to crack on which is what fills me with dread. I don't know how so many just plod along. Maybe because there is no other choice except throwing yourself in front of a bus.

I have an interesting, enjoyable job and still feel like this OP. For me, no matter how interesting the work, I'd still rather be doing my own stuff (hobbies, spending time with my DC) than working!

Can you find some sort of shift work ? I work for the police in a uniformed staff role in the control room but it's 24/7 shift pattern with 6 on, 4 off. I do 2 earlies, 2 lates (1600 - 0200) and 2 nights. I have loads and loads of time off to please myself plus I earn £36k. Two weeks holiday only costs me 6 days due to how our shift pattern works

And I absolutely love my job

OP have you spoken to your GP about these feelings? Seeing life as a relentless slog (even brushing my teeth felt unbearably pointless) was a symptom of my major depression. As was joking about suicide, as you've done several times here. After lots of therapy, some meds, and some lifestyle changes (going PT was one) I got my moods under control. It doesn't feel unbearably bleak any more - I'm still aware of the futility of it all, but it doesn't bother me like it used to.

Yeah life gets like this from time to time but you have to find the small pleasures in life .
Tonight I’ve come home dc at club so I’ve poured myself a g&t and sat in the garden . I’d never do that in a week day but why not . Find something that gives you pleasure no matter how small that’s my advice .

I always felt like you so now I work part time (don't have kids). It's a stretch financially but I have a much better work life balance and feel I control my life now, not my employer.

I remember this ennui setting in in my late 20’s. It all seemed so hopeless. I was already bored out of my mind teaching small children. We moved country. The job is still boring at times, but the holidays are better and so is the weather so there is a real work - life balance. It doesn’t have to stay like this OP.

@GoneOffOnATangent

Get a job you enjoy and you will never work a day in your life This is so dismissive. As if it doesn't occur to people to get a job they enjoy! I think the issues are often more complex than that

it really is not dismissive. It's a simple solution, and when people actually make the effort and start doing whatever they need to change, they soon beat themselves up for not doing it sooner.

And while most people "think" about changing job, changing career, moving and changing the way they live, actually very few genuinely take the steps.

Take the pandemic: some used it as an excuse, blame the lockdowns and the "job market" for feeling miserable, others have started business, quit their jobs, sold their place, move and even move country.

Why do you think we exist?

You see the world through the lens of a capitalist comsumer: work, exist, slog. Your mortgage and your fears of not having enough pension tie you to the hamster wheel.

Plenty of people are not tied by to these things because they value their life more than things.

The only one tying you down is you and your choices.

I have no idea why you think you are not worth more than this. Why have a mortgage and an income from something that makes you so miserable?

Many of us love life because we have love in our lives and base our existence around being kind and thoughtful to others and have small pleasures from others being kind and thoughtful to us.

I can't imagine a life without it's core ingredients: love, light, laughter, silliness, happiness, reward, trust; beauty; sweetness; kindness, cosiness and warmth.

It sounds like you're a hard worker. If you think instead ''I'm capable of hard work' how does that make you feel? Capable, empowered, strong.

Oh yes, of course! Because that makes all the relevant variables in someone's situation magically disappear 🧚

Don't tell me - you're one of those tiresome, out of touch with people's reality life coaches?

If you have any tolerance for Woo, google Saturn Return.
Yes it's probably bullshit but can be comforting

I agree with others who say you need to find a meaning to your life. And no one else can find it for you. Another thing that helps me is thinking of life balance as the three legs of a stool - work, hobbies/sport, and relationships/family. Strive to get a good mix of these three

I’m late 30s and feel the same.
I’ve felt the same my whole life.
It’s all pointless. I exist now only to serve my DH, kids and work.
I did used to occasionally enjoy things, and get enjoyment from my dc enjoying things. Now I do not care. I’m just whatever about all of it. I’d like them to be happy etc but I’m so bored and disconnected from it all that I’d prefer it wasn’t me dealing with it.
I suppose pandemic hasn’t helped. I think before pandemic there were brief moments of enjoyment and the odd day here and there. Pandemic has reduced lots of people’s lives to work, housework, dc and not much else.

But if you had those things taken away you'd soon be sorry, surely its about finding happiness in some of the smaller things in life, if you can't make any great changes now