Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do IVF anyway

155 replies

Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 06:42

Quick background. Been married 10 years, with husband longer. We started trying for a baby 7 years ago, had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy needing my tube removed. Husband has a low sperm count. Did 5x IVF rounds & all failed. I've also had various unpleasant tests and surgeries to correct issues

We are due to do another round in a month's time. IVF, pregnancy loss and 7 years of uncertainty has made our marriage rocky.

Husband has always been a big drinker, before I met him, before we married. Didn't cut down when we started trying for a baby but he did cut down on alcohol when he realised there was make factor infertility and we needed IVF. However he always went back to it after each failed IVF.

He typically drinks way over government guidance i.e. at it's worst we could be talking 80-100 units per week. He makes promises to stop and stops for a few weeks then it creeps back in.

He stopped 12 weeks prior to our next IVF round but then started having the odd one which became 2 & 3. I gently said that the clinic said a drink every now and again wouldn't hurt but not more than 3 units per day. He was pushing it to around 7 units per day around 4 days per week.

Yesterday in the hear, doing DIY he went and got 4 cans of beer, I asked him not to drink them all as we are 5 weeks from IVF. We argued and he promptly went and bought another 4 pints.

Now my question is, I've waited so long to do this next IVF because of covid and my health. Do I go ahead anyway and hope he stops drinking when we have a baby and hope that last night's binge hasn't affected it or do we stop here and accept no children?

I'm 38 he's 42. Time isn't on our side.

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/06/2021 06:47

I wouldn't.

:( that your shared infertile status has been so difficult for you.
Not fair on a child to bring a child into this situation.

You can love someone but it's not best to stay with them -- that is situation you are describing.

IVF is an emotional rollercoaster at best of times. You 2 aren't jointly resilient enough to get thru it well.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/06/2021 06:48

Sorry but don't do it. Too many children are born to useless dads. Lots of posts on here.

I'm a child of an alcoholic and it only gets worse. A baby won't change him.

This is brutal but you would be being very selfish to do this.

CoalCraft · 01/06/2021 06:51

Have you thought about how his drinking will affect his ability to be a parent? He will continue drinking after any child is born and you will therefore be solely responsible for childcare. A drunk person is not fit to look after a baby, so you will have no help. As the child gets older, they will see their father frequently drinking and drunk. Is this what you want?

LivingLaVidaCovid · 01/06/2021 06:52

I voted YABU to do ivf.

i feel sorry as you clearly want a baby but he is an alcoholic.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is a terrible thing. It's very damaging and no amount of shielding them or trying to compensate for that makes it okay.
He needs proper help.

Original poster
Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 06:52

Gosh I know you are all right. He's desperate for children as am i. He is a wonderful man. He just drinks far too much and finds it difficult to control how much.

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 01/06/2021 06:53

YABU. I’m sorry but this isn’t fair. He won’t stop drinking, you can’t bring a child into this situation.

Overthebow · 01/06/2021 06:55

No, sorry but you can’t knowingly have a baby with an alcoholic it would be so unfair on the baby.

Overthebow · 01/06/2021 06:56

Are you in a position to go it alone? Could you keep the IVF appointment and use a sperm donor instead?

Anycrispsleft · 01/06/2021 07:00

I wouldn't. Even if you leave aside the fact that your child would have an alcoholic parent - for your own self, what kind of life would that be? You'll be doing the absolute lion's share of the childcare, all the night wakings... what if you get PND? What if one of you is ill? Children bring so much stress and worry, and is your DH going to be able to handle any of that, to offer you any help? Or will every difficulty have him reaching for a drink?

DeathStare · 01/06/2021 07:01

Do you want to be tied to him for life? Even if you leave him (which I really think you should) you will spend the next 18 years worried about his drinking everytime your child goes to visit him - which could easily be 50% of the time.

Please leave him - then do the IVF on your own with a sperm donor if you want to.

Original poster
Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 07:02

Are you in a position to go it alone? Could you keep the IVF appointment and use a sperm donor instead?

No I'm married, we are about to do our 6th IVF together.

It's hard because I know him. He's a good man. He just also struggles to not drink.

OP posts:
Mandsy100 · 01/06/2021 07:02

He just drinks far too much and finds it difficult to control how much.

This outweighs any amount of how great he is op. So sorry you are going through this. It would be better to do it alone. q

lunar1 · 01/06/2021 07:03

You can't deliberately have a child with an alcoholic, I'd leave him and have IVF with a donor.

Original poster
Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 07:06

It's easy to say when you aren't the one who lives someone and how has 15 years of shared history, their dream home and a good husband who just happens to drink too much. I have a wonderful way of life with him and we have it all apart from baby.

You are right though,if we separated further down the line I would worry about him drinking in front of our children.

I don't want to go. I fear him leaving.

OP posts:
TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 01/06/2021 07:09

YABU I am afraid, baby aside do you want to be married to an alcoholic? It would not be fair to "hope" he will give up drinking you have to know that he will. If he cannot give it his all at this stage what would he be like if he had a baby? It is bloody hard work and will not solve his drinking problems.

strawberrydonuts · 01/06/2021 07:10

Have you thought about the effect on the potential child of having an alcoholic father?

Priority 1 is actually being a good dad if and when this child does arrive. If he can't clean himself up (and it doesn't really seem like he actually wants to) then perhaps he shouldn't really be thinking about children at all.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/06/2021 07:12

Just happens to drink too much? It's a huge elephant in the room which you are minimising. He is an alcoholic- his first love will always be alcohol.

I'm the product of a very unhappy childhood with a mother that wouldn't leave. As an adult I have issues today from my upbringing with my alcoholic dad. She thought he'd change with children. He didn't.

Have a read around codependency op.

Ginger1982 · 01/06/2021 07:13

I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. If he really wanted kids then he should be doing all he could to prepare for that. He's clearly got a problem. I know you say that he's generally lovely but he's not stepping up for you. As you said, time isn't on your side here.

MournfulTromboneNoise · 01/06/2021 07:13

He's drinking away your chance of a baby.

He's not desperate for a child. He's putting you through hell, for beer.

bloodyhell19 · 01/06/2021 07:14

I wouldn't. He doesn't place the same importance on this as you do and that's evident in how he's placing alcohol as the priority ahead of you & IVF. If he's like this now, he will never prioritise your child over drinking.

mynameiscalypso · 01/06/2021 07:14

Has he sought any kind of help for his drinking? That would be the clincher for me. He may be desperate for children as you say but it sounds like he's more desperate for a drink at the moment.

LoudestCat14 · 01/06/2021 07:16

You're right, OP, none of us live with him and know the non-drinking side of him, so it's easy for us to say walk away. But many of us, me included, grew up in a household with a dad who drank way too much and I can tell you it was an awful experience and I wouldn't wish it upon any child. My fear would be that once you conceived, your DH would think he was off the hook for needing to stay relatively sober and his intake will soar even more. So no, not an easy decision to make, but it's not just about you and your feelings – it's about the baby you're trying to have.

strawberrydonuts · 01/06/2021 07:17

He's a good man. He just also struggles to not drink

I'm sure he is - but the fact still remains that he's an alcoholic. You can be both a good person and an alcoholic.

And being an alcoholic, whether or not you're a "good man", will have an impact on your child. I know this from my own life experience. My dad is absolutely lovely, a wonderful person, but he's an alcoholic and that impacted his parenting abilities. It can't NOT have an impact, if you see what I mean.

Think about your reasons for wanting a child. Can you really provide that child with what he/she will need, all the love and care and attention, in your current relationship? Could your partner provide all of that without you, if for whatever reason something bad happened to you? Each of you separately needs to be strong enough to parent.

IVF is such a deliberate decision to bring a child into the world and I really feel like you need to put your own needs aside, as much as you want a child (and I know how it is - I am having IVF myself and know the pain) - you have to thinik about them.

So yeah, I don't know if you'll pay any attentiont o this because I know how strong the need to have a child is, especially if you have been trying so long and had so many failed attempts. But honestly, having an alcoholic partner/ father, you could be going straight from one difficult situation into another - and bringing a child into it as well who did not ask for that.

Does he actually see a problem with his alcholistm and want to change? I think that's your starting point.

MrsSquirrel · 01/06/2021 07:19

He is an alcoholic. He won't stop drinking. His first priority is the bottle. His behaviour clearly shows this.

What kind of life would it be for your child with an alcoholic parent?

PicaK · 01/06/2021 07:19

That many ivfs is going to have huge mental scars on both of you. Is this his way of dealing with the pain? Sorry I know it's so terribly hard.
I'd go ahead as you're so close but really you guys need to go to counselling and talk this through.