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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do IVF anyway

155 replies

Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 06:42

Quick background. Been married 10 years, with husband longer. We started trying for a baby 7 years ago, had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy needing my tube removed. Husband has a low sperm count. Did 5x IVF rounds & all failed. I've also had various unpleasant tests and surgeries to correct issues

We are due to do another round in a month's time. IVF, pregnancy loss and 7 years of uncertainty has made our marriage rocky.

Husband has always been a big drinker, before I met him, before we married. Didn't cut down when we started trying for a baby but he did cut down on alcohol when he realised there was make factor infertility and we needed IVF. However he always went back to it after each failed IVF.

He typically drinks way over government guidance i.e. at it's worst we could be talking 80-100 units per week. He makes promises to stop and stops for a few weeks then it creeps back in.

He stopped 12 weeks prior to our next IVF round but then started having the odd one which became 2 & 3. I gently said that the clinic said a drink every now and again wouldn't hurt but not more than 3 units per day. He was pushing it to around 7 units per day around 4 days per week.

Yesterday in the hear, doing DIY he went and got 4 cans of beer, I asked him not to drink them all as we are 5 weeks from IVF. We argued and he promptly went and bought another 4 pints.

Now my question is, I've waited so long to do this next IVF because of covid and my health. Do I go ahead anyway and hope he stops drinking when we have a baby and hope that last night's binge hasn't affected it or do we stop here and accept no children?

I'm 38 he's 42. Time isn't on our side.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 01/06/2021 07:23

I have a wonderful way of life with him and we have it all apart from baby

This "wonderful lifestyle" won't continue if he carries on drinking. My BIL died last year from alcoholism. The shit the family went through due to his drinking was awful.

I'm sorry that this has been so difficult for you, but you seem determined to have a baby at any cost without realising the practicalities.

strawberrydonuts · 01/06/2021 07:24

If you have a good imagination, it can also be interesting to imagine yourself in your future child's shoes. Imagine the two of you as parents.

Imagine being say 4 years old. Mum's out and you've been left with dad, maybe for a few hours, maybe overnight. Maybe mum is poorly in hospital and dad is looking after you for a longer period.

Dad has had a few drinks. How would it be to be your child in that scenario? Would you feel safe? Would you be getting your needs met?

Sunbird24 · 01/06/2021 07:25

He’s not so desperate for a child that he’ll actually do anything about his drinking…
I’m worried you’ll end up resenting him, either because you didn’t end up with a baby because he couldn’t stop drinking long enough to improve his own fertility, or because you did end up with a baby and he does nothing to help because he’s drinking

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/06/2021 07:26

Tbh I think posters are being deeply unfair to the OPs husband, he’s clearly struggling with all your shared loss.
I personally would carry on with this round of ivf (you’ve come this far) and then should that fail (hopefully not), you and your husband have a major rethink about what you do going forward. Good luck OP

Misseasteregg · 01/06/2021 07:30

No sorry I think you wbu.

He is 100% more likely to drink more with the stress of general parenthood. You WILL resent the drinking so much more than you do now. If he was going to cut it down to an acceptable level he would have by now.

Sorry but I speak as someone who’s dh drinks far too much and if I realised the level before dc no way on gods earth would I have chosen that deliberately.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 07:34

I also think people are being unfair and can never quite understand the hysteria around drinking on here. Telling her to not have ivf and leave him is ludicrous.

Op he’s managed to cut down before and you love each other. Sounds like you’ve had a really difficult few years. Good luck with the ivf I really hope it works for you both.

RampantIvy · 01/06/2021 07:34

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Tbh I think posters are being deeply unfair to the OPs husband, he’s clearly struggling with all your shared loss. I personally would carry on with this round of ivf (you’ve come this far) and then should that fail (hopefully not), you and your husband have a major rethink about what you do going forward. Good luck OP

Do you know what it is like to live with an alcoholic?

LoudestCat14 · 01/06/2021 07:34

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Tbh I think posters are being deeply unfair to the OPs husband, he’s clearly struggling with all your shared loss. I personally would carry on with this round of ivf (you’ve come this far) and then should that fail (hopefully not), you and your husband have a major rethink about what you do going forward. Good luck OP

I don't think anyone is ignoring the loss he must feel or being unfair about it. However, OP said he's always been a big drinker, which suggests his drinking is not a reaction to his grief but an ingrained habit. Do you really think having a baby with an alcoholic is a good idea?

AntiStars · 01/06/2021 07:43

I have a friend who conceived when she and hubby were in Ibiza. Both were big drinkers and she didn’t realise until she was 9 weeks pregnant but once she and hubby knew, both gave up alcohol for the rest of the pregnancy as he felt he should support her. Baby was born healthy and fine. Hubby did go back to drinking after baby was born but not at same level.
My point is plenty of people will have being conceived on nights involving excess alcohol but it’s then about how your husband handles it if you do get pregnant and I think he needs to realise that in your case it’s such a precious opportunity not to be wasted, it would mean the world if he could cut his drinking. You said he’s managed without before so there is hope that he could do it again but I personally wouldn’t pass up the opportunity of another try at IVF although I realise that’s not in keeping with the majority here and I’m likely to be slated.

Hardertobreathe · 01/06/2021 07:44

@Chickenonaperch

Gosh I know you are all right. He's desperate for children as am i. He is a wonderful man. He just drinks far too much and finds it difficult to control how much.

But he isnt so desperate for children that he is prioritising having healthy sperm to give you the best chance of becoming pregnant.

I would still do the IVF though, I know what it’s like to be so desperate for a baby that it hurts. Wishing you lots of luck

Original poster

Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 07:45

Thank you all particularly those trying to see this from all angles. I would love to say the drinking us a reaction to loss but it isn't. It predates that.

I'm torn. It's funny hearing you all say he's an alcoholic. I wonder what you base that on as I gave minimal information. I think you are right fwiw. The drinking too much despite the consequence, the volume and inability to stop.

I really don't know what to do. I honestly wouldn't have a doubt in my mind if I didn't think he would be a wonderful dad. He really would be so good with children.

The other question also is if we did go ahead,do we through £6k at a treatment that he hasn't gone all out to prepare for.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 07:45

*throw

OP posts:

kikisparks · 01/06/2021 07:53

Does your IVF clinic provide counselling? Could you speak to them about this? Or to a counsellor independent from the clinic?

Could you speak to him at a calm time when he’s not drinking and say that his alcohol intake is affecting your trust in him and your marriage and that if he wants you to stay he needs to seek active help? What about doing a freeze all IVF cycle so you create the embryos but don’t have any transferred unless and until he has dealt with his drinking?

I’m so sorry you’re in this boat, infertility is so hard but I really don’t think you’d have a happy life raising a child with an alcoholic.

NiceTwin · 01/06/2021 07:54

@Chickenonaperch I posted a while ago about how much drink my dh consumed. I am teetotal, so have no benchmark as such.

Anyway, he probably drank as much, if not more than your dh.
He holds down a good job, is a fab father, has greater patience than I do.
Like your dh, he can (and has) stop drinking as and when he pleases. He has been off drink since the beginning of March as he felt he was getting fat, so had a bit of a diet overhaul.

Why people are saying he is an alcoholic is beyond me. He can and has stopped drinking before, I don't think it is that simple if you are an alcoholic.

Go ahead with your ivf, don't be listening to the stepford wives on here!

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2021 07:57

@Chickenonaperch

It's easy to say when you aren't the one who lives someone and how has 15 years of shared history, their dream home and a good husband who just happens to drink too much. I have a wonderful way of life with him and we have it all apart from baby.

You are right though,if we separated further down the line I would worry about him drinking in front of our children.

I don't want to go. I fear him leaving.

YABVVVU. You're denying/minimising the alcoholism which is a huge problem. You could maybe get away with this when it's just the two of you, but it's hugely irresponsible to deliberately have a child with an alcoholic. You're being very naive to think that it won't affect his parenting. It's not just drinking in front of the children

My advice is to contact Al-Anon. Above all, stop deluding yourself that the alcohol isn't a huge problem.

MrsSquirrel · 01/06/2021 07:59

Why do I say he is an alcoholic? You said he struggles to control his drinking, that is the definition of alcoholism. You also said he promises to stop and then stops for a few weeks and then it creeps back in, that is another description of alcoholism. Your description of the argument about drinking where it ends with him going out and getting four more pints on top of the four cans he already had also sounds like the behaviour of an alcoholic.

Onairjunkie · 01/06/2021 08:01

His drinking is affecting your chance to have a baby. He’s not doing everything he can to prepare himself, despite seeing the absolute hell you’re having to put yourself and your body through, over and over again. He’s just drinking and then when you point it out, drinking more and more. He doesn’t sound that good a man to me.

Once we all started to say how bad it was, you changed OP to say how good he was and to minimise his drinking. 100 units a week is insane, by the way. He may be a functioning alcoholic but there’s no doubt he’s got issues with alcohol.

Also, if he’s dependent on alcohol, then he might be a fun dad, but he won’t be a safe and reliable one. He’ll be hungover, short tempered, and that need to drink will increase because life is hard AF with a newborn and beyond.

I think what you have to ask yourself, is if you’re happy enough your relationship just being you and him if your IVF fails again?

EishetChayil · 01/06/2021 08:02

You want a child so much, so just go ahead with the IVF and then leave him. Realistically it's too late to have another chance with another man.

EvilPea · 01/06/2021 08:03

Can you push the appointment back 6 months?

LoudestCat14 · 01/06/2021 08:03

NiceTwin You're being naive (and possibly in denial about your own DH). Lots of alcoholics can give up for a few weeks, even months, at a time – they are the kings and queens of good intentions. But it is such a terrible addiction and, sadly, they often fall off the wagon again and end up drinking more than before. It really is that simple when you're an alcoholic.

Rainallnight · 01/06/2021 08:06

I’m so sorry to hear this, you are in such a difficult position.

In the kindest possible way I don’t think it’s true to say he would be wonderful father. He’s already got fatherhood off to a bad start by being unable to make the necessary sacrifices to bring a child into being in the first place.

Please don’t have kids with this man. It’s not too late to either do it alone or with someone else.

Original poster

Chickenonaperch · 01/06/2021 08:08

Can you push the appointment back 6 months

I don't think it will help as one of the things he's hating about IVF is the pressure to eat well, not drink etc so we are just delaying things
He's never given up drinking for a cycle, cut back but not given up so I would just be on the same place in 6 months.

He's awake now, WFH as he doesn't want to go in the office and isn't talking to me as I am controlling and wouldn't even let him have a few beers on his garden last night. I quote.

OP posts:

Passionfruitpizza · 01/06/2021 08:09

I wouldn't have another round until he has help with his alcohol problems. That sustained volume of alcohol will lead to serious health problems in the medium to long term and as the child of a functioning alcoholic it's horrible to watch a parent drink that much pretty much every day. Do you really think his alcohol problems would magically go away if you had a baby?

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2021 08:10

NiceTwin
3 months of being teetotal is great, I hope your DH can keep it up.
You can't assume that the OP's DH is the same. You think your DH can control his drinking and the OP's can too. From what the OP has said about his DH, it doesn't sound as if he does.
I wonder how long he has managed to be teetotal for - not long by the sounds of it!

3ormoredogs · 01/06/2021 08:10

I am the child of an alcoholic. Miserable childhood with the parent putting alcohol before all else and he has started doing this before the baby is even here. They just can’t help themselves. It’s not normal to drink every day, not even 3 units.

I would never ever consider bringing a child into the world where addiction is a factor.

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