To do IVF anyway

[Chickenonaperch]

Quick background. Been married 10 years, with husband longer. We started trying for a baby 7 years ago, had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy needing my tube removed. Husband has a low sperm count. Did 5x IVF rounds & all failed. I've also had various unpleasant tests and surgeries to correct issues

We are due to do another round in a month's time. IVF, pregnancy loss and 7 years of uncertainty has made our marriage rocky.

Husband has always been a big drinker, before I met him, before we married. Didn't cut down when we started trying for a baby but he did cut down on alcohol when he realised there was make factor infertility and we needed IVF. However he always went back to it after each failed IVF.

He typically drinks way over government guidance i.e. at it's worst we could be talking 80-100 units per week. He makes promises to stop and stops for a few weeks then it creeps back in.

He stopped 12 weeks prior to our next IVF round but then started having the odd one which became 2 & 3. I gently said that the clinic said a drink every now and again wouldn't hurt but not more than 3 units per day. He was pushing it to around 7 units per day around 4 days per week.

Yesterday in the hear, doing DIY he went and got 4 cans of beer, I asked him not to drink them all as we are 5 weeks from IVF. We argued and he promptly went and bought another 4 pints.

Now my question is, I've waited so long to do this next IVF because of covid and my health. Do I go ahead anyway and hope he stops drinking when we have a baby and hope that last night's binge hasn't affected it or do we stop here and accept no children?

I'm 38 he's 42. Time isn't on our side.

My brother died almost two years ago, he was an alcoholic and it was desperately sad at the end. I thank God he never had children to watch him die. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. He last his job, his wife, home, absolutely everything. Nothing was worth him giving up the drink and trying to get help (he was offered help many times from medical services) and I don't think having children would have made a difference either.

@Chickenonaperch

It's easy to say when you aren't the one who lives someone and how has 15 years of shared history, their dream home and a good husband who just happens to drink too much. I have a wonderful way of life with him and we have it all apart from baby.

You are right though,if we separated further down the line I would worry about him drinking in front of our children.

I don't want to go. I fear him leaving.

Its even easier to say when you're not aware of the risks to any child. Of him passing out whilst holding it and dropping it or suffocating it. Of him being completely unaware of it choking. Of him literally being prepared to leave it alone in a cot whilst he goes out to buy some more booze. Of him causing harm to it and then using it as an excuse for yet another binge because you aren't being nice to him about causing your baby to die.

I really wouldn’t.

Even if you do manage to conceive, bringing a baby in to a home with a clearly alcoholic father is a recipe for disaster I’m afraid.

If I were you I’d be considering going it alone with donor sperm if necessary, and leaving your DH. If you stay with him you’ll become so bitter and resentful, and will blame his drinking (perhaps rightly) for the fact that you never had a child. I’m sorry, OP.

Everyone gives up something when they have a child. Drink, cigarettes, partying. It’s just what you do but if he can’t even give up drinking enough to make the child it really doesn’t bode well. Having a baby is stressful, it’s stressful forever with the added responsibilities

I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have a baby with this man, even if he could stop now for IVF, when would it start again? I realise that’s all very easy for me to say from the outside though.

I wouldn't be trying to have a baby with a man who had been an alcoholic for at least a decade, I'm sorry OP :(

He can't stop. Not even when your ability to have children potentially hinges on it. He uses any minor excuse (you reminding him of the need to try and stay healthy before IVF) as a flimsy reason he now needs another drink - which is what my dad did. My mum would ask him not to gfet shitfaced cos we had something on the next day, and her 'controlling' behaviour would 'drive him to need another pint now'.

He did not improve because I was born. He was - and is - a lovely dad when sober. But he was a shitty husband who did very little to help my mum in the way she really needed it.

Don't do that to a kid. I'm sorry because I know that means starting over, or not having children, for you. But for the sake of your potential child and your own sanity raising what you thought was a much wanted child who will take any crying baby or sleepless night as an excuse to have a few pints (or more than a few, if he can sink 100 units a week), don't.

If he can't cope with the lifestyle changes involved in preparing for IVF I think he will massively, massively struggle with the huge adjustment to becoming a parent. Tbh most people going through IVF do everything in their power to make it work (as I'm sure you do). The fact he isn't willing to do that and seems to resent it speaks volumes to me.

Apart from anything else, after drinking that much he will be incapable of caring for a child. As an occasional thing, fine, but daily? No way is that ok.

I'm really sorry, I can completely see why you'd want to go ahead with this chance to have a baby.

I feel for you as you the clock is ticking and you need to make a decision. However, you are minimizing the situation. I think you need to play out a few scenarios with a child in the mix and be honest with yourself about the responses you can imagine from your dh. In his mind, he has a ft job, is having a 'few' drinks in his own home, and cuts down here and there. He sees no problem. But it is a problem. And I think you know that. Adding a child to the mix, will make this 100x harder. It is hard to turn away from a 15year relationship but once you want to have a child it's all about what's best for them. Yes going through fertility problems is really stressful but if you can manage to make changes, then shouldn't the other half of the process be able to do so as well? If he wanted a child as much as you say, then he would want to deal with this wouldn't he?

@Bluntness100

I also think people are being unfair and can never quite understand the hysteria around drinking on here. Telling her to not have ivf and leave him is ludicrous.

Op he’s managed to cut down before and you love each other. Sounds like you’ve had a really difficult few years. Good luck with the ivf I really hope it works for you both.

I could understand this view if it was a reaction to the IVF troubles. But she says he's been drinking like this since before then. He's an alcoholic, this isn't mumsnet hysteria over a one-off finished bottle of wine and 'ooh I only allow myself a thimble of sherry at Christmas you must call AA' - he cannot stop drinking for an extended period, even for something as important as IVF. He drinks 10 bottles of wine (unit wise) a week, then stops, then it creeps back in.

At best he's going to be struggling with kicking an addiction he has not, despite a supportive wife and (thus far) no children - except now with a newborn, all the pressures that brings, and a shaky marriage. At best.

I wouldnt do it. And not just because of him drinking affecting the chances, which seems to be what is implied in your OP (apologies if I read that wrong). I wouldn't do it because I wouldnt want to bring a child into a relationship you accept is rocky and where your partner is drinking so much. It always seems to be an unpopular opinion but I do think having a child should be child focused not adult focused - I.e
I don't think that people should have children just because they want them, no matter how much or how wonderful a parent they would be or already are, I think they should put their wants to one side if they acknowledge that the child wouldn't be brought into a situation that is in their best interests.

I should say I have experienced infertility and had IVF and so I am saying that within that context (and I did stop trying during a period when my husband and I were having a rocky time and I was not doing well mentally, restarting after counselling and everything being back on track despite the risk of missing out on time)

This is very very unfair on you, OP I’m angry on your behalf that he’s wasted your time like this. Sadly he does sound like an alcoholic, and he needs to get treatment for this. It would be foolish to choose to have a baby with him right now.

He's awake now, WFH as he doesn't want to go in the office and isn't talking to me as I am controlling and wouldn't even let him have a few beers on his garden last night. I quote.
This is almost a bigger red flag than the alcoholism. You don’t want to have a child with someone who gives you the silent treatment. It’s childish and abusive. And communication is key when co-parenting.

If being a mother is very important to you, then look into leaving him and doing IVF on your own with a sperm donor (or other options, foster to adopt etc). It’s not too late for you.

He is an alcoholic. I would be concerned about the drink situation deteriorating with the pressures of a new baby if the IVF is successful. Why don’t you contact Al Anon, to get some real life support. They support partners, families and friends of people who drink too much. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ to you

Its not as easy as him stopping when you have a baby. I would go ahead.

How would you leave a dc with him?
My exh was a Sunday drinker... To the point of oblivion. Hardly went to work on a Monday.
Few years down the line I reported him for drink driving and I filed for divorce.. Dc spent eow sleeping on a chair at his mate's while he got pissed..
Judge deemed that different parenting styles...

I had meant to write live there but put leave... Both words are applicable I guess... Living with him +dc means you would effectively be a single dm. You couldn't leave a baby with him.

I would carry on.

If you end up being a single parent, well, plenty women on here are doing it brilliantly.

Handing your precious dc over to a drinker isn't fun. My ex nearly killed us all. I hadn't realised he was drunk. Hid it well. And we got into his car... Driving down the central reservation at 70 isn't fun... Rang the police myself and filed for divorce the next day. Didn't tell him for 2 weeks.

You are right though,if we separated further down the line I would worry about him drinking in front of our children

What about when you are not separated? Does it not matter then?

There’s no way I’d still be with him and certainly wouldn’t even consider bringing a child into the situation.

He can't even control his drinking to conceive the child he aparantly is desperate for. I wouldn't go ahead as even if you split you don't want your child around that.

Coming at this from a different angle- and I had IVF for my son so I know a bit about the medical aspects- you say you’ve had surgery over the years- has anything changed, medically, since your last failed IVF? If we put the drinking to one side, is there any reason why this round has more chance of working than the previous ones? If it’s just you playing a numbers game but all other factors are the same then perhaps he’s lost the ability to see it as a real chance of a child, because 5 failed rounds is a lot. Can you tell us some more about this upcoming round, how long since the last one, what the doctors have said?

It is worrying that he’s not prepared to go all-out to maximise your chances. However I do question the logic if those saying “if he can’t sort out his drinking for I F he’ll not do it for a child”- yes, alcoholism is an uncontrollable illness, but if he does have any control over his drinking then maybe the existence of a real, tangible baby and little person will be enough to give him the focus and inspiration that he really needs- people are saying “put yourself in the child’s shoes”- maybe he is unable to do that without a real child to picture.

From a slightly different angle, do you have any thoughts on when you will decide to step off this rollercoaster and accept a life without birth children? I say this very gently but with your history the chances of IVF success must be extraordinarily slim. No doubt someone will now pipe up that someone they knew had 15 rounds of IVF before having twins but there are literally hundreds of women who didn’t have that outcome for every ‘miracle’).

I suspect your DH knows this and is struggling to put his heart into what is likely another episode of heartbreak.

Nobody here can decide for you or even really advise on what you should do, it sounds beyond tough and my heart goes out to you but I do urge you to consider very carefully how much more you can put yourself through.

Very best wishes.

RampantIvy

Yes my father was an alcoholic from when I was 11 (my mum died when I was 8)- he died when I was 20 due to drinking so I fully understand what it’s like- however everyone always says how awful infertility is, the lengths it can drive you too, so people saying he’d drink more in parenthood seems to contradict that. Also I’m looking out for the OP, she could always leave with a child, to leave him and have nothing I think would be shattering for her

@EishetChayil

You want a child so much, so just go ahead with the IVF and then leave him. Realistically it's too late to have another chance with another man.

I kind of get this and is where I’m coming from. The one thing I wouldn’t do is try and help him through it, it’s fruitless unless he wants help

Maybe it's "easy for us" to say what should happen, but we still sympathise it's very difficult to do it.

Does he agree his drinking is causing problems in his life? That IS the iron-clad definition of an alcoholic.

If your marriage isn't strong without children, it won't become stronger with them.

It’s not about you. It’s about a child you could bring into this world with an alcoholic parent.

Alcoholics make shitty parents.