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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DS bu or DP?

152 replies

Perdipl · 31/05/2021 18:16

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

OP posts:
Lolwhat · 31/05/2021 18:21

A grown man pushed a child? Wtf

cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 18:21

Your DP is an adult and should know better.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/05/2021 18:25

Did you punish your ds because he deliberately hit the ball at his brother or something? It seems a bit overboard to loose a phone for an accident which happens in 98% of all swingball games (in my experience).

Your dp is an adult and he shouldn't have assaulted a child, even under provocation.

chickenyhead · 31/05/2021 18:26

Both were wrong but DP should have known better at his age.

Onesnowynight · 31/05/2021 18:27

You say he pushed him back, so ds pushed dp?

RosieGuacamosie · 31/05/2021 18:27

Sounds like an accident caused by a stroppy teenager. Your DP is massively in the wrong here.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/05/2021 18:27

Does DS1 also think it was wrong that he pushed your DP?

SunshineCake · 31/05/2021 18:28

DP was wrong to push him but your son has also behaved badly. Telling you to fuck off and you gloss over that.

JellyTumble · 31/05/2021 18:28

Your DP is unreasonable. He’s a grown man pushing a child; he should know better than to retaliate like that.

M0rT · 31/05/2021 18:29

A push back to a 16 year old who could well be the same size if not bigger then him is a good lesson in don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Your DS needs to learn to curb his temper and instinct towards violence.
There are many people in the world who don't love him and would not hesitate at all to respond to a push with a hiding!

1Morewineplease · 31/05/2021 18:29

Neither is right, your partner should have restrained himself.

Pinpointer · 31/05/2021 18:29

Both in the wrong. DS more so though at 16 he shouldn’t be lashing out and expecting no consequences.

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2021 18:30

Your partner shouldn’t have pushed him

Notaroadrunner · 31/05/2021 18:30

In the heat of the moment I can understand why your dp would have pushed him back, however he shouldn't have done that. Your Ds needs a good hard lesson in respect. No way would my kids get away with telling either Dh or myself to fuck off.

999caffeineplease · 31/05/2021 18:31

DS is in the wrong.

Janaih · 31/05/2021 18:32

Sometimes when you hit/push people they hit back. Good lesson for ds1 to learn.
Not dps finest hour but none of us are perfect parents and I'm taking you at your word that it wasn't hard.

TimeForTeaAndG · 31/05/2021 18:32

So your 16yo son can argue with you,tell you to fuck off. Hit his 8yo brother with a swing ball. Tell his step dad to fuck off and shove him but when he gets a shove back he cries foul?!

Tell him if he tried that anywhere else he'd risk a proper hiding from the other person and to pack it in.

Being broken up with is not an excuse to be a dickhead, tell him to go out on some crappy music and silk like the rest of us do for a couple of days.

TimeForTeaAndG · 31/05/2021 18:33

*sulk

Original poster
Perdipl · 31/05/2021 18:33

@Stompythedinosaur

Did you punish your ds because he deliberately hit the ball at his brother or something? It seems a bit overboard to loose a phone for an accident which happens in 98% of all swingball games (in my experience).

Your dp is an adult and he shouldn't have assaulted a child, even under provocation.

Yes, it seemed deliberate as DS1 seemed to have been trying to hit DS2 with the ball.
OP posts:
Meatshake · 31/05/2021 18:33

I'll get panned for this but in my council-estate-worthy opinion if he's 16 and wants to play the big man then better he learns a measured shove back from his father figure than getting decked by a stranger.

Sounds like he's having a tough time and needs some love as well as a hard lesson though.

Sally872 · 31/05/2021 18:35

Ds is bu.

Not ideal for either to push but a non forceful push in retaliation is not a problem to me.

TwoAndAnOnion · 31/05/2021 18:35

DS1 is in the wrong. His age doesn't protect him from assaulting someone. So far today he has verbally abused both you and your partner and assaulted his brother and his father. Posturing teens who think they can hide behind age are a royal PIA.

Imapotato · 31/05/2021 18:35

All these people saying an adult assaulted a child wtf! He’s 16, my 16 year old is far bigger than me!! OPs ds1 pushed him first and her DP pushed him back, she says not forcefully, and for the sake of argument I will take that as a given.

Tbh. They are both in the wrong. The situation seems to have escalated out of hand unnecessarily. Your ds1 shouldn’t have hit his brother on purpose, but the punishment of loosing his phone was a bit harsh. Ds1 should have been made to apologise to his brother and that then been the end of it.

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2021 18:35

This sounds like a pretty unpleasant home tbh.

A 16yo swearing over cereal? A small child being lashed out at by an older sibling?

A blended family where your DP pushes your DS?

If this is a typical day then it doesn’t sound pleasant for anyone.

And being in a child’s life for a long time doesn’t automatically generate a parent/child relationship.

Marshmallow91 · 31/05/2021 18:35

He shouldn't have pushed him back, and should apologise for doing so BUT your DS was massively in the wrong. He's not 12 any more and you need to have a calm conversation with him later about how verbal or physical violence is unacceptable and it won't be tolerated from anyone, not even him- regardless of his mood.