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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DS bu or DP?

152 replies

Perdipl · 31/05/2021 18:16

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 31/05/2021 19:30

Today, we both, and another guy, felt we had to keep an eye on, and be ready to intervene, with a young fella in the throes of a break up with his lass. He was grabbing her hands and pushing her, she whacked him, he followed her, and grabbed her phone off her.

We were worried for both of them. Your son needs to learn how to work through the crushing humiliation, sadness and anger of being broken up with, that does not involve taking it out physically on other people. He could get himself into serious strife. Physically and verbally. You don't get to abuse other people because you got dumped. Not your Mum, not your little brother, not your Dad in all but genes.

Your DH also needs to realise that he could get into some serious shit, if he doesn't keep his hands to himself, and how to set the example of walking away, cooling down, and then coming back to try to deal with a situation in a more constructive, less confrontational way.

SummerBreeze1980 · 31/05/2021 19:30

When I did a domestic violence course we were taught that the adult brain doesn't develop fully til 24. At 16 he is still a child and will pick up that certain behaviour is ok by what he sees around him. So seeing DP being violent will teach him that is ok. Was his bio dad violent too?

fairynick · 31/05/2021 19:31

As if you took a 16 year olds phone off them.
It’s a really babyish punishment. The “fuck off” I would cut him some slack as he’d gone through the breakup, but the second incident I’d be fuming.
More along the lines of “get out of my sight” though, and once he’d calmed down in his room maybe talk properly the next day.
Your DP shouldn’t have pushed him back, but what your DS said would’ve been hurtful and it sounds like he deserved a shove tbh.
Guess they’re both BU.

CanofCant · 31/05/2021 19:33

Is your 8 year old okay?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/05/2021 19:48

I’d be punishing DS appropriately but DP would be sleeping elsewhere. I’d not allow anyone push my children nor let them think it was acceptable for an adult to do so.

Coyoacan · 31/05/2021 19:49

It is all very well to sympathise with the teenager, but he has no right to take his feelings out on everyone around him. He deserves to be pushed by his step-dad, assuming that it was not too hard.

Looubylou · 31/05/2021 19:52

Actually, at 16, he needs to learn this lesson. DS was being an arse and deliberately hurtful, which I could overlook due to his distress, but pushing DH was crossing a line.I assume DH hasn't hurt him. DS can't take his disappointments out, physically, on other people.

Original poster
Perdipl · 31/05/2021 19:53

We tried to talk to DS about the breakup but he said he didn't want to talk about it and to leave him alone so we did.

If I tried to punish him, he wouldn't listen and I probably would've done the same as DP (apart from pushing him, I would've told him to go upstairs, as he's taller than me).

OP posts:
CanofCant · 31/05/2021 19:55

But he pushed DH first. Would he have pushed you too? Or does he just hit the men in your family?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2021 19:55

Look does it matter who’s wrong and who’s right? Having someone rifhf and someone wrong makes someone the winner and the other the lose. Both have faults I imagine and for your dp to have gone to speak to your ds this morning after he told you to eff off proves they’re close.

Why not reframe this? The dynamic is all wrong today and your ds needs to learn he can’t take his emotions out on everyone else. Your 8 yo has come out the worse by the sound of it.

If your dp has not done this sort of thing before, perhaps it was a gesture to tell your ds enough is enough rather than a reaction. But it wasn’t a great way to do that and your dp should recognise it could have escalated the situation. And that’s how I’d frame it to your ds.

Time to sit down and talk as a family. Your 16 yo has quite a few apologies to make.

EloquentlyBrash · 31/05/2021 19:57

DS1 thinks your partner was wrong for pushing him when DS1 initiated the pushing? Seems to be a pattern of DS1 acting up and blaming everyone else. As long as your DP is usually loving/supportive towards him and it was calm and controlled (it wasn’t going to escalate) I’d say this was reasonable, he’s demonstrated to DS1 how unreasonable his behaviour was by mimicking it and DS1 obviously didn’t like it. As a pp said, shouldn’t dish it out if he can’t take it. What if he pushed DS2 and told him to fuck off?

Sounds like he’s maybe got stuff going on, teens can be horrors and he’s at that difficult age. I’d sit him down with DP when everyone is chill and have an adult convo. Let him know he has yours and DP’s support and that you need to set boundaries around his swearing and behaviour, open up a line of communication so he can talk about stuff instead of bottling it up and getting irate. Then plan something nice for you all to look forward to.

Royalbloo · 31/05/2021 19:59

100% unacceptable for a parent (or carer) to push a child. If you're angry - walk away. How can we possibly expect them to behave properly if we, as adults, don't?

Royalbloo · 31/05/2021 20:00

I see parents screaming at their children, saying, "show me some respect!" But the adults aren't!

Keepmekeeping · 31/05/2021 20:01

The people saying ds is a child and needs slack are crazy. He's 16 legally old enough to leave school and get a job so he is old enough to take the consequences.

He was nasty and mean to you and his brother was hurt as a result of his bad mood. Now he wants to be a poor soul because his dad pushed him back! If he can't take it he needs to not dish it out.

I do not condone hitting kids but pushing a 16 year old back when he's totally out of line is not abusive at all. This is the reason so many teens are out of control.

cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 20:02

@Coyoacan

It is all very well to sympathise with the teenager, but he has no right to take his feelings out on everyone around him. He deserves to be pushed by his step-dad, assuming that it was not too hard.
Hmm
cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 20:02

@Royalbloo

I see parents screaming at their children, saying, "show me some respect!" But the adults aren't!
Exactly this.

Why would you respect someone who shoved you around?

OwlTwitterings · 31/05/2021 20:02

Why are you focusing on your DP and eldest DS? I’d be much more concerned about sibling abuse.

Your DP pushing him back implies your DS had already been physical towards his stepfather. It sounds like a horrific home environment.

HalzTangz · 31/05/2021 20:03

@Lolwhat

A grown man pushed a child? Wtf
And a 16 year old hit a younger sibling with forcefully with. Swing ball,whilst telling both parents to fuck off

Then Iain the wrong

supermoonrising · 31/05/2021 20:04

I don't think your partner need apologise at all. Your 16 year old needs to apologise to his brother and his dad. With the foul language and physicality (albeit in context of a rough period) it sounds like your older son is going to need a lot of support.

Maray1967 · 31/05/2021 20:07

DS has to apologise to all of you. He set all this in train. He is 16 not 6. He knows what the deal would be if he’d behaved like that towards a teacher.
He has to learn quick because if he kicked off like that in other situations he will be on the receiving end of some serious violence.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2021 20:07

@Merryoldgoat

This sounds like a pretty unpleasant home tbh.

A 16yo swearing over cereal? A small child being lashed out at by an older sibling?

A blended family where your DP pushes your DS?

If this is a typical day then it doesn’t sound pleasant for anyone.

And being in a child’s life for a long time doesn’t automatically generate a parent/child relationship.

As far as MN is concerned, he would be the son's stepfather
Killahangilion · 31/05/2021 20:08

There’s no way I’d tolerate being told to ’fuck off’ by a teenager so I’m surprised how easily you minimised this.

DS1 is 16 and I was left school and working at his age. I think your DP was very restrained in the circumstances. The teen deserved a clip ‘round the ear.

Original poster
Perdipl · 31/05/2021 20:10

@OwlTwitterings

Why are you focusing on your DP and eldest DS? I’d be much more concerned about sibling abuse.

Your DP pushing him back implies your DS had already been physical towards his stepfather. It sounds like a horrific home environment.

DS1 and DS2 normally have good relationship, although they do argue occasionally like siblings do. DS2 is also fine now.
OP posts:
FreezeMotherHubbard · 31/05/2021 20:10

Sounds a shit show all round

FreezeMotherHubbard · 31/05/2021 20:11

@Killahangilion

There’s no way I’d tolerate being told to ’fuck off’ by a teenager so I’m surprised how easily you minimised this.

DS1 is 16 and I was left school and working at his age. I think your DP was very restrained in the circumstances. The teen deserved a clip ‘round the ear.

No one deserves violence