Is DS bu or DP?

[Perdipl]

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

How did you sanction him for swearing at you and your partner, and for picking a fight with his younger brother.

He’s 16, not 6, he pushed your DP and swore at him, and your DP pushed back. Not great behaviour but if he did that in the street I suspect a non-forceful push would be the least of his worries. He needs to learn to regulate his emotions and not get physical himself, and he needs to be disciplined for his lack of respect.

So your son thinks it's OK for him to swear at and shove your DP but cries foul when your DP shoves him back. Your son is acting like a dick. He needs to grow up and quickly because if he does that to a stranger chances are he will get decked. And it will be all his own fault.

DS1 is wrong, obviously in a terrible mood after the breakup, but that doesn’t justify hurting his brother.

DP is also in the wrong, adults shouldn’t be pushing children and some understanding and allowance for DS1’s mood should also have been made.

Time for a family meeting and some apologies, both ways.

As for those saying the son is just a child, he's old enough to father his own kids and live on his own. And more than old enough to not bully an 8 year old or start a fight

@Lolwhat

A grown man pushed a child? Wtf

No a teenager pushed an adult and told both parents to fuck off. The adult then pushed him back,

DS1 sounds like a little shit and needs to get some respect. Obviously your DP shouldn’t have pushed him back but what did he expect to happen? He needs to learn that if you go round trying to start fights people (sometimes bigger and stronger) will fight back.

If he doesn’t want to get shoved he shouldn’t shove someone. He’s 16, not 6, at 16 I was much bigger than my dad.

Your brat of a child

Don't be nasty. Yes the son was in the wrong but he's a teenager who's just been dumped and is clearly trying to deal with those emotions. Ok he's doing it badly but 16 year olds are still learning!

@Merryoldgoat

This sounds like a pretty unpleasant home tbh.

A 16yo swearing over cereal? A small child being lashed out at by an older sibling?

A blended family where your DP pushes your DS?

If this is a typical day then it doesn’t sound pleasant for anyone.

And being in a child’s life for a long time doesn’t automatically generate a parent/child relationship.

No, this isn't a typical day.

DS1 is usually close with DP.

They were both in the wrong but more so your ds1. Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight all day

DS is in the wrong here. He was obviously spoiling for a fight and thought nothing of taking his aggression out on a child half his age. At 16 he should know if he pushes someone he is likely to get a shove back. That day he had had a go at an 8 year old for eating cereal which I imagine you or his stepfather bought, told you to fuck off, tried to deliberately hit his small brother, when he was punished by the removal of his phone he told his stepfather to fuck off and pushed him. He was out of order and throwing his weight about. Your DP shouldn't really have retaliated by shoving him but it's unrealistic to expect people to always not react when you push them.

@M0rT

A push back to a 16 year old who could well be the same size if not bigger then him is a good lesson in don't dish it out if you can't take it. Your DS needs to learn to curb his temper and instinct towards violence. There are many people in the world who don't love him and would not hesitate at all to respond to a push with a hiding!

THIS^

Sorry OP but your DS clearly initiated all of the drama that took place today, and was quite happy to dish it out but not so happy to take it - your DP should apologise but ultimately your DS is the one BU

I think DS's girlfriend has had a lucky escape.

Ds1 shouldn't push people if he doesn't want to be pushed back. He is hardly a child at 16. Might be lesson he needs to learn before he takes a swing at someone and gets a hiding. His gf dumping him is no excuse either.

DS is BU. I know you say it's not a typical day and that's good. My brother used to behave like this constantly, it's horrible. DS should apologise to you all.

Hope your partner get punished for pushing your son.. but that won’t happen because it’s ok!!! Your son is upset and angry because he’s been dumped have a heart and tell your dp to her one too, it hurts when a relationship ends. Instead of dishing out punishment be there and talk to your son and let him be emotional. He is angry and hurt

Sounds like DS was trying to get a reaction out of you and DP so that he could complain about it. Your DP obliged, which is unfortunate but understandable when large teens start throwing their weight about. DP should apologise but DS needs a big talk about his attitude too.

DS1 is in the wrong. I assume DP didn't injure DS1 here - DS1 needs to learn that if you shove someone, you're going to get shoved back and it's far better he learns it from someone who cares about him and won't hurt him than in a club where he might be seriously hurt and/or arrested. Let's be honest here, DS1 was way out of line all day and it doesn't sound like you did any parenting at all whilst DP tried to parent but was told that he's not allowed to because he's not his "real" dad. DP was the one who took on the cereal/swearing incident and the one who sorted the swingball incident - and now you're questioning whether he's allowed to parent. Either support DP as a parent or do all the parenting yourself - you can't have it both ways. I'd suspect that DS1 knows he can play you like a fiddle and that's why he's come crying to you after behaving like a brat.

@PicklePuckle

Hope your partner get punished for pushing your son.. but that won’t happen because it’s ok!!! Your son is upset and angry because he’s been dumped have a heart and tell your dp to her one too, it hurts when a relationship ends. Instead of dishing out punishment be there and talk to your son and let him be emotional. He is angry and hurt

So if your 8 year old was hit intentionally by a 16 year old you don't think they should be punished if they just got dumped? Really? Reaaallllyyy??? They did as DS1 asked and gave him his space - you can have all the emotions you like but it doesn't give you the right to hit, bully, swear at or disrespect people.

@PicklePuckle

Hope your partner get punished for pushing your son.. but that won’t happen because it’s ok!!! Your son is upset and angry because he’s been dumped have a heart and tell your dp to her one too, it hurts when a relationship ends. Instead of dishing out punishment be there and talk to your son and let him be emotional. He is angry and hurt

Emotional doesn't equal telling people to fuck off and being physically aggressive with them.

@TimeForTeaAndG

So your 16yo son can argue with you,tell you to fuck off. Hit his 8yo brother with a swing ball. Tell his step dad to fuck off and shove him but when he gets a shove back he cries foul?!

Tell him if he tried that anywhere else he'd risk a proper hiding from the other person and to pack it in.

Being broken up with is not an excuse to be a dickhead, tell him to go out on some crappy music and silk like the rest of us do for a couple of days.

Exactly that^!

@Imapotato

All these people saying an adult assaulted a child wtf! He’s 16, my 16 year old is far bigger than me!! OPs ds1 pushed him first and her DP pushed him back, she says not forcefully, and for the sake of argument I will take that as a given.

Tbh. They are both in the wrong. The situation seems to have escalated out of hand unnecessarily. Your ds1 shouldn’t have hit his brother on purpose, but the punishment of loosing his phone was a bit harsh. Ds1 should have been made to apologise to his brother and that then been the end of it.

No way, he's in a foul mood because his g/f dumped him. He doesn't get to take it out on his little brother. He was sneakily trying to get away with hurting him.

Pushing a 16 year old isn't great but your ds told you to fuck off twice in a day which is terrible.

Your DP is very unreasonable to push him. Is he usually violent?

And I think it was very horrible to take his phone off him and particularly cruel when he's just broken up with his girlfriend. To be honest no wonder he thinks it is ok to be horrible to his brother when an adult is modelling horrible behaviour. Why on earth didn't someone just have a chat with him about it? IMO that is much more effective than showing him it is ok to be violent to someone younger than you. Not hard to see where he gets it from.