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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DS bu or DP?

152 replies

Perdipl · 31/05/2021 18:16

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/06/2021 02:10

I think ds1 has some learning to do. He’s 16, and in most environments if he gets physical he will find more than pushback. Shame on him hurting his little brother and telling his mum (who is probably much smaller than him) to fuck off. I’d expect dp to point out there’s a much smaller size difference between him and Ds1 than there is between ds1 &ds2 and that didn’t bother him, not to mention between him and his mum. he’s too old to think he can get away with this hypocrisy. Ideally dh wouldn’t have pushed but it’s a difficult situation.

Aria999 · 01/06/2021 03:08

I would have pushed DS in your partner's situation

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 04:29

A sixteen-year-old boy says "fuck you" to his mother, hurts his much younger sibling and pushes his stepfather.

Sorry but around here, I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten a whole lot more than a "non-forceful push" in return.

user77hjjy · 01/06/2021 04:45

Did your DS push your DP?

arcof · 01/06/2021 04:56

There is an underlying cause to your sons behaviour and as his parents you have to find out what it is. As you'll know if you've ever lashed out at someone there's usually something else at play and a whole heap of feeling bad and regret thereafter.

At this point, I'd just sit down with the pair of them and thrash it out - what's up with DS, that swearing at us all is wrong and this will be the consequence in future, and help him find some other ways to manage his anger, reassurance that you love him but you have boundaries that won't be crossed. Your son needs to apologise to all of you and your DP to your son for retaliating. I bet if you scratch the surface with your son there's a probably some pain and emotional hurt that needs to come out, especially if this behaviour is out of character.

If this behaviour is not typical, it should be fairly easy to resolve.

All families have these shitty moments (not exactly like this but stuff we are not proud of), it's how you deal with it next that counts!!

AlternativePerspective · 01/06/2021 05:54

So let’s get this straight. A 16 year old, who is likely the size of a grown man, can go out to work, get married and have a baby, tells his mother to fuck off, hits his brother, tells his stepfather to fuck off and then pushes him, and when the stepfather pushes him back which let’s be honest is probably a reflex reaction the stepfather should know better because the poor lamb is just a teenager and he can’t help the way he reacts?

Diddums.

Well he might be hormonal but that’s not an excuse, so he’d better fucking learn that taking your anger out on others isn’t the way to go.

AlternativePerspective · 01/06/2021 06:04

There is an underlying cause to your sons behaviour and as his parents you have to find out what it is. As you'll know if you've ever lashed out at someone there's usually something else at play and a whole heap of feeling bad and regret thereafter. that doesn’t make it ok though.

2 years ago when I was in hospital my parents stayed in my house with DS who was 16 at the time and doing GCSE’s.

Something of his got thrown away, to be honest because he never clears up anything and it was inevitable that it would happen one day. He went absolutely belistic, shouting and swearing at my mum, and my dad reacted back verbally.

My dad was on the phone to me within minutes feeling guilty about it. I reassured, the item was easily replaceable, think tickets to an event, so all that was needed was a call to the box office.

DS’ reaction was understandable. I went into hospital on the day he started his GCSE’s, collapsed, had already spent nearly two weeks in ICU by then, and so things were naturally difficult for him.

On the other side, my dad’s reaction was understandable. He’d been staying in my house, looking after my child, going back and forth to the hospital every day, had seen the crash teams come to bring me back from the brink of the other side and then cart me off to ICU where they had to wait for hours for me to be stabilised and then be told that it was an hour by hour thing.

But both reactions were wrong, and regret was needed, as was understanding that it wasn’t ok.

And fact is, DS started it. The tickets were among of used ticket stubs that he’d decided he just didn’t want to throw out but were cluttering up my house. It was an accident.

Had DS not reacted my dad wouldn’t have either.

So yes, there were reasons, but the behaviour was still wrong. And tBH IMO ds was more in the wrong than my dad, 16 or not.

sillysmiles · 01/06/2021 06:21

DS1 is being a little bollix and thinking that because his gf dumped him he can take his anger out on others.
He needs to learn that just because he's pissed off doesn't mean he can take it out in his family.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 06:27

As anyone will know Who has read my postings I have zero tolerance to any form of violence against children. But in this one I’m on the fence.

Yes he should not have pushed back but for me the much bigger issue is your sons behaviour. It’s beyond appalling and unacceptable, he told you to fuck off, he hit his brother with the ball, he pushed his step father then got arsey and said he should not have been pushed back.

He doesn’t get to dole out abuse and violence because he’s upset he got dumped. Personally I’d be speaking to him today and informing him of that fact in no uncertain terms.

lljkk · 01/06/2021 06:43

AIBU is wrong place for this, "who is unreasonable" is blame-casting which isn't going to de-escalate & reconcile. Knowing "who is unreasonable" isn't going to fix this. YABU to even put this situation in AIBU in MN.

Everyone could have done better & I would move towards getting them all to agree on that. But first get them to agree that no one is happy with how things happened yesterday.

If my adult-size NT DC shoved me aggressively, I'd shove back, too.

Motherofalittledragon · 01/06/2021 06:49

DS1 is in the wrong IMO

schoolfinder007 · 01/06/2021 09:55

@DeflatedGinDrinker

DP was unreasonable. The poor bot was playing swing ball which is one rope your other son was obviously stood too close. The whole point is to hit the ball. Hows that the eldests fault? You was wrong to punish him for you youngests error which caused the other issues.
OP said it was clearly done with intent.

Feel like you've not read half the thread

HollowTalk · 01/06/2021 10:01

It sounds as though your son was hurt and humiliated by his girlfriend dumping him and is now lashing out at everyone.

Horst · 01/06/2021 14:34

It Was the ops place to tell off her child for hitting or swearing not the dhs.

The step parent telling off the angry teen is never going to work it will get the response of your not my parent blah blah blah. Most step children will use this line at some point. I did with my own step father, also threw a nice handy well of course X if so perfect because his your actual child.

Swing ball shouldn’t be played while angry. The swearing issue should of been dealt with by op the person who was sworn at.

This whole situation could of been totally different. All that’s happened is a bigger wedge has come between step child and step parent.

Bibidy · 01/06/2021 14:41

I think as long as DP didn't push him too hard then DS1 is the one in the wrong here. He's clearly massively acting out and he was purposely trying to hurt his brother, which he achieved.

He also lashed out physically at his stepdad out of anger, which is not OK, and to 16 he needs to know he can't do that to people with no repercussions.

Perdipl · 01/06/2021 16:06

DS1 apologised last night and so did DP. Today he seems calmer and DP talked to him (DS1 wanted to talk to him). They are usually close hence why DP told him off last night.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 01/06/2021 16:23

@Perdipl

DS1 apologised last night and so did DP. Today he seems calmer and DP talked to him (DS1 wanted to talk to him). They are usually close hence why DP told him off last night.
Glad they've made up Smile.
honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 16:41

@Perdipl

DS1 apologised last night and so did DP. Today he seems calmer and DP talked to him (DS1 wanted to talk to him). They are usually close hence why DP told him off last night.
And yet no mention of an apology to you, OP? What is going on here?
Deedoubleyou · 01/06/2021 18:24

@M0rT

A push back to a 16 year old who could well be the same size if not bigger then him is a good lesson in don't dish it out if you can't take it. Your DS needs to learn to curb his temper and instinct towards violence. There are many people in the world who don't love him and would not hesitate at all to respond to a push with a hiding!
Yes. This.
sillysmiles · 02/06/2021 10:28

The step parent telling off the angry teen is never going to work it will get the response of your not my parent blah blah blah. Most step children will use this line at some point. I did with my own step father, also threw a nice handy well of course X if so perfect because his your actual child.

Her DP has been the only father this kid knows and he has been part of his life since he was little, it would be more worrying if her DP stepped away and said this is your problem.

OrangeRug · 02/06/2021 10:30

I think your son was in the wrong.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2021 12:19

@Perdipl

DS1 apologised last night and so did DP. Today he seems calmer and DP talked to him (DS1 wanted to talk to him). They are usually close hence why DP told him off last night.
Has your son apologised to you and his brother?

Or is telling you to fuck off normal?

RaspberryRoyale88 · 02/06/2021 12:32

Since when was a sixteen year old a child?
Here you can be married, vote and fight for your country at age 16.
I have a nephew at sixteen. He’s 6ft 1, much taller than me and his Mother and probably stronger.

DP shouldn’t have pushed back but I can understand why he did. DS shouldn’t be throwing his weight around to his parents or brother.

QweenJinx · 02/06/2021 22:03

Sorry but your son totally had that coming. He was pushing boundaries and he was batted back down. Child abuse it is NOT and to call it so is to play down a real child abuse situation. Could it have been handled better? certainly- Your partner and son need to work on getting back the relationship they once had. Communication is key.

Wowwe · 03/06/2021 07:55

Your 16 year old son is very disrespectful swearing at you both. I’m guessing at that age he’s as big or nearly as big as a grown man so I would say if he wants to dish it out then he can take it back. Your dp is right. Your son needs to learn some manors and respect his parents.