Is DS bu or DP?

[Perdipl]

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

And how do you push someone in a "controlled manner" anyway? It's a sign that you've lost control, surely?

He gave him a shove without force, he didn’t push him to the ground. So yes that would be controlled.

I don’t condone violence of any kind at home, but I’m not going to scream “he attacked a child” when he just reacted to being pushed by a young adult. There’s a big difference.

They were both being massively unreasonable and both need to grow up in a big way!

Both were wrong.

Your DS was wrong to shove your DP, and swear at you. The swing ball thing sounds like exactly what happens anytime anyone plays swing ball.. massive over-reaction to take his phone away unless you're 100% certain he deliberately made the ball hit his younger sibling.

Your DP was wrong to shove him back. It will be difficult to explain to your son that that shoving people isn't acceptable behavior when your DP behaved in kind.

At 16 your DS needs to learn to manage his emotions and frustrations without being physical. Easier said than done, but starts with adults modelling the right way and boundaries.

@Meatshake

I'll get panned for this but in my council-estate-worthy opinion if he's 16 and wants to play the big man then better he learns a measured shove back from his father figure than getting decked by a stranger.

Sounds like he's having a tough time and needs some love as well as a hard lesson though.

This was my reaction too.

I've never laid a finger on my son but if in the future at the age of 16 he ever told me to fuck off and shoved me, he would quickly learn never to do that again.

DP is not in the wrong. This boy needs to grow up. One of the first lessons is to keep your hands to yourself. People, even parents, are allowed to defend themselves if attacked.
Coping with being binned is tough. Taking a phone of a 16 year old who has just been binned is harsh. He does not need to be isolated now. But a 16 year old using a game as a guise/cover/device to hurt an 8 year old is really not good.
Time to return his phone (because you need to start treating him like an adult) along with a serious talk with him about him behaving like a man/adult.
Men/adults don't deliberately hurt children. They don't take out their frustrations on others. They don't start fights - but they are perfectly entitled to defend themselves or their families if someone else starts the fight.

I think your son deserved it really.
He might normally be lovely but today he was absolutely vile to all of you.
Swearing at everyone and trying to hit your youngest in the face is unacceptable and you should have nipped his behaviour in the bud first thing.
People are saying your DP should know better, well so should your son. He's 16 not 6!
So I actually think your son was unreasonable. If he goes round pushing people he's likely to do it to the wrong person sooner or later.

@TimeForTeaAndG

So your 16yo son can argue with you,tell you to fuck off. Hit his 8yo brother with a swing ball. Tell his step dad to fuck off and shove him but when he gets a shove back he cries foul?!

Tell him if he tried that anywhere else he'd risk a proper hiding from the other person and to pack it in.

Being broken up with is not an excuse to be a dickhead, tell him to go out on some crappy music and silk like the rest of us do for a couple of days.

This.

Also, I've got a 16 year old son. He's 6ft 2" - so the posters bleating about an adult assaulting a child sound pretty silly to me.

A shove and being told to grow up is hardly assaulting someone.

Your DS is BU

But I think you're unaware of that as your parenting skills are obviously shocking

Your son was in the wrong.

Ds is being unreasonable. 16 is not a child. He was behaving aggressively both verbally over breakfast and physically during the swing ball session towards your young son.

DS1 and DS2 normally have good relationship, although they do argue occasionally like siblings do. DS2 is also fine now.

That could be true or you could be completely minimising things, just like you earlier posts have about your DS1’s behaviour.

Your DS is obviously upset but he has acted like a dickhead. He can’t stomp around the house hurting his sibling and telling his parents to fuck off over every perceived slight.

No, your DH shouldn’t have pushed him but I honestly don’t blame him. It sounds like your DS was in his face a quick shove will let him know to keep a lid on his anger in future.

I’m also at people saying he pushed a child - the 16 year old boys I know are massive! Certainly large and strong enough to injure an adult in a fight.

@OwlTwitterings

DS1 and DS2 normally have good relationship, although they do argue occasionally like siblings do. DS2 is also fine now.

That could be true or you could be completely minimising things, just like you earlier posts have about your DS1’s behaviour.

When did I minimise DS1s behaviour?

DS1’s actions seem totally normal for an upset and pissed of teenager. He was unreasonable no doubt, and a punishment is required.

DP however is a grown man and should not have retaliated. I don’t think it actually matters how big and tall DS is, or that he could legally leave home.

I honestly don’t know why other posters are extrapolating from this one post to say that there is sibling abuse or any other type of abuse. Did we not all have our moments with our siblings?

@Lolwhat

A grown man pushed a child? Wtf

If a 16yr old pushes me, I'm pushing back!!

@JackieTheFart

DS1’s actions seem totally normal for an upset and pissed of teenager. He was unreasonable no doubt, and a punishment is required.

DP however is a grown man and should not have retaliated. I don’t think it actually matters how big and tall DS is, or that he could legally leave home.

I honestly don’t know why other posters are extrapolating from this one post to say that there is sibling abuse or any other type of abuse. Did we not all have our moments with our siblings?

Nope, no sibling rivalry etc.

And I certainly wasn't allowed to swear at my parents.

Sounds like DS is being a knob because he's upset about the break up.

I think if DS tells you to fuck off, hits his brother, accuses DP of not being his Dad, pushes DP then a bit of a shove back is probably deserved.

I would however probably cut him some slack and start tomorrow as a new day. Sit down and try to resolve rather than letting it escalate. DS probably knows he's been a knob.

I didn’t have sibling rivalry either @schoolfinder007 but I did lash out more than once when upset. I wasn’t allowed to swear either but if I did alongside the worse crime of smacking my younger brother about the face then I know what my parents would choose to focus on!

Like @converseandjeans says, I knew I was being a dickhead but was almost powerless to stop it - particularly around 14/15. Sometimes they just need time to get over themselves.

(Not saying his behaviour is acceptable of course, but I think going ballistic at this stage is not a good idea)

Agree with jackiethefart

Sometimes they just need time to get over themselves.

He just needs a few days to get his head together.

Your son was being an arsehole because his gf ended things. Your partner was an arsehole for giving him a reaction. Personally my partner who is not my 14 year old bio dad but raised him since aged 2 would have told him to stop acting a twat because his relationship ended or we would of left him be. We have had the odd Your not my dad moment. He has not seen bio sperm donor in 9 years. The most sensible thing would of been to give him some leeway but point out that his attitude is not acceptable and he needs to apologise. Now I think your partner needs to be the bigger man and apologise for his actions then tell ds his actions were also not OK.

There should have been consequences for DS1 when he told you to fuck off. Sounds like he gets away with bad behaviour and it’s escalating into bad language and shoving.

@Meatshake

I'll get panned for this but in my council-estate-worthy opinion if he's 16 and wants to play the big man then better he learns a measured shove back from his father figure than getting decked by a stranger.

Sounds like he's having a tough time and needs some love as well as a hard lesson though.

I'd agree!

DP was unreasonable. The poor bot was playing swing ball which is one rope your other son was obviously stood too close. The whole point is to hit the ball. Hows that the eldests fault? You was wrong to punish him for you youngests error which caused the other issues.

DP shouldn’t of push him but understandable as he was shoved 1st.

Your DS needs to learn to show his feelings in ways other than anger.
He’s upset and deeply hurt that his girlfriend broke up with him and is taking that hurt out as anger on everyone else.

Try to find a constructive release for those feelings. A Punching bag that isn’t his 8 year old brother.
If he needs to rage hit the totem tennis then he does it playing by himself or he needs to talk about it in words or goes and has a cry and gets the same release.