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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DS bu or DP?

152 replies

Perdipl · 31/05/2021 18:16

When DS1 (16) got up today he started arguing with me because DS2 (8) was eating cereal that apparently he wanted (DS1 never eats breakfast btw so I didn't know this). He then told me to fuck off and went to his room, DP then went to talk to him and DS told him that his girlfriend broke up with him and he wanted to be left alone, so we did.

This afternoon DS2 was playing swingball in the garden and DS1 then came downstairs and hit the ball quite hard and it hit DS2.

DS1 said it was his own fault and that he should've hit the ball. DP took DS1s phone off of him as a punishment, DS1 then pushed him and told him to fuck off and that he isn't his real dad (he isn't but he doesn't see his biological dad and he's raised DS1 since he was 4). DP then pushed him back (not forcefully) and told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

DS1 thinks DP was wrong to push him etc but who was BU?

OP posts:
Horst · 31/05/2021 20:12

Is the younger sibling your dhs?

Basically your teen ds had a shitty break up was in a shitty fuck off mood placed swing balll where his younger sibling got hit and your dh pushed him.

One who the hell thought a angry teen should play swing ball with a child ffs. Second your dh not being his dad knowing his an angry teen should of backed the fuck off of course he got the your kit my dad shit I did the same to mine.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/05/2021 20:14

I think your son is in the wrong. If he was younger it would be different but at 16 there could be really serious consequences for going round swearing at people, deliberately hurting younger kids, and pushing people over. That's toddler type behaviour. If your husband loves him and he pulled the 'you're not my real dad's card and got physical, I think it would take a massive amount of restraint not to react to that. I think your sons behaviour sounds awful, a 16 year old should not 'still be learning how to manage his emotions' to the point of violence and aggression, and I dont think it does any harm to put in his mind that people might not take it. I also think its shit if he is moaning about being shoved back! Like those awful kids who deliberately wind teachers up then laugh and say they can't touch them because they're only kids etc

ChoccyLatte · 31/05/2021 20:14

@M0rT

A push back to a 16 year old who could well be the same size if not bigger then him is a good lesson in don't dish it out if you can't take it. Your DS needs to learn to curb his temper and instinct towards violence. There are many people in the world who don't love him and would not hesitate at all to respond to a push with a hiding!
This... my 13 year old is bigger than me now and knows way better than to push me. A 16 year old is big enough and old enough to know better and I don't blame your dp for pushing him back. If you don't you'll have way bigger trouble on your hands. Your ds sounds like a stroppy brat
cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 20:14

And a 16 year old hit a younger sibling with forcefully with. Swing ball,whilst telling both parents to fuck off

And he should be punished for that.

But none of that behaviour gives an adult the right to shove him.

Mydogmylife · 31/05/2021 20:14

@redastherose

DS is in the wrong here. He was obviously spoiling for a fight and thought nothing of taking his aggression out on a child half his age. At 16 he should know if he pushes someone he is likely to get a shove back. That day he had had a go at an 8 year old for eating cereal which I imagine you or his stepfather bought, told you to fuck off, tried to deliberately hit his small brother, when he was punished by the removal of his phone he told his stepfather to fuck off and pushed him. He was out of order and throwing his weight about. Your DP shouldn't really have retaliated by shoving him but it's unrealistic to expect people to always not react when you push them.
This. Your DS should count himself lucky that he didn't do his strop outside the home and throw his weight about or he may well have got more than a shove back!
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2021 20:18

Ds and dp were both wrong to push each other. And as adults they could get assault convictions for doing that (I know you can at a younger age too, but I mean in an adult court).

Pushing back is no better than pushing full stop as it clearly wasn’t self defence.

Ds1 sounds like he was in the wrong all day but your dp handled it wrong.

Sceptre86 · 31/05/2021 20:18

Your ds was acting like a brat and needed telling. I don't agree with your dh pushing him but then your ds shouldn't have pushed him and swore at him. He should have had his phone taken away and been grounded or have pocket money suspended. I think in this instance you really should be backing your oh. Your son can't go around hurting his brother , swearing and generally acting like a brat just because he is upset.

Imapotato · 31/05/2021 20:18

@Royalbloo

100% unacceptable for a parent (or carer) to push a child. If you're angry - walk away. How can we possibly expect them to behave properly if we, as adults, don't?
Except he’s 16 and not a child. If he was 6 I would agree, but he’s not. Pushing a 16 year old back - when they’ve pushed you first - in a controlled manor is not abusive. It has obviously had an impact on OPs ds and made him consider his actions.

I left ho at 16 and lived as an adult. My dd1 is 16 and has a good 3 inches on me. They are young adults, not children.

Imapotato · 31/05/2021 20:19

*home

Jeschara · 31/05/2021 20:20

Your son is In the wrong. He was behaving very badly. He told you to Fuck off, he hit his 8 year old brother, tells your husband to Fuck Off and pushes him. He is not a child, he is a teenager/Young adult, who got everything he deserved.
Your husband pushed him back, if your son had behaved like that because he was in a mood to someone else, he could have been on the receiving end of a bloody good hiding.
If he dishes it out he should be prepared to take it, he then knows what it feels like.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2021 20:21

Oh I see I misread and it’s 16 not 18 but doesn’t make a lot of difference!

KarmaStar · 31/05/2021 20:24

Your ds was rude and a bully.he's found out what it feels like to be bullied.they were both by really

User135792468 · 31/05/2021 20:27

A 16 may be a child officially but it’s hardly the same as a 10 year old. The op herself says he’s bigger than her. He’s told both parents to fuck off and hurt his younger brother. The final straw for your Dp is when he pushed him. You’re in for a whole host of issues if you side with the teenager who has taken offence to someone pushing him BACK. If your Dp had retaliated with a push for being sworn at then I would say he would be massively in the wrong. However, your teenager pushed him first so needs to get over himself and stop being such a foul individual and thank his lucky stars that he pushed someone who loves him, who just reacted in the moment and not someone who would kick the crap out of him.

Original poster
Perdipl · 31/05/2021 20:28

@Horst

Is the younger sibling your dhs?

Basically your teen ds had a shitty break up was in a shitty fuck off mood placed swing balll where his younger sibling got hit and your dh pushed him.

One who the hell thought a angry teen should play swing ball with a child ffs. Second your dh not being his dad knowing his an angry teen should of backed the fuck off of course he got the your kit my dad shit I did the same to mine.

Yes, DP is DS2s dad.
OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 31/05/2021 20:33

Your dp should not have pushed your DS. Your DS should have been punished appropriately for his poor behaviour, which shouldn't have involved his stepfather pushing him.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 31/05/2021 20:36

Your son is BU, if he’s big enough to push his dad he’s big enough to take one back. He’s not 5 he’s 16 and quite frankly wants to use language like a big man. His behaviour is disgusting he was pushing for an argument and he got one. But obviously I’m going to be flamed for this but this is why we have a world full of disrespectful morons. Your DP was in the right 👍

ikeepseeingit · 31/05/2021 20:38

Your 16-year-old is struggling to regulate his anger in this state. I'm not really sure who was in the wrong but it might be a good idea to sit them both down in a family meeting (DP and DS1, I think you need to lead this) and have a conversation about how you will not condone any swearing at each other or violence, from either of them. In this same conversation, I would probably tell my son that you understand that he's very upset about his girlfriend, and you really do feel for him, but he can't take it out as anger. I would emphasise that he can be 100% honest about his feelings, and he can rant about it or cry about it as much as he needs because the feelings are valid. It's the behaviour that's stemming from them that aren't okay, not the emotions.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 31/05/2021 20:43

I'm going to go against the grain here.
16 year olds can be tall and strong, and today he has been aggressive and violent towards family members. If I was being sworn at and shoved around, I might push back too. Its just a defense reaction.

You need to tackle your son though. He's upset about a break up and his reaction is to become violent and swear and be aggressive. That's a dangerous behaviour trait, and it needs addressing.

Let him cool down today, but tomorrow you're going to have to talk to him about how unacceptable his behaviour is. Can you imagine if he did those things to his gf? No.

Your partner probably shouldnt have pushed, but I'm putting that in the defense reaction column. Your son needs to learn that if he is going to go around hitting people, someone is going to hit him back harder one day.

cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupsofcoffee · 31/05/2021 20:47

Except he’s 16 and not a child. If he was 6 I would agree, but he’s not. Pushing a 16 year old back - when they’ve pushed you first - in a controlled manor is not abusive. It has obviously had an impact on OPs ds and made him consider his actions.

Sixteen year olds are still children. And how do you push someone in a "controlled manner" anyway? It's a sign that you've lost control, surely?

I left home at 16 and lived as an adult. My dd1 is 16 and has a good 3 inches on me. They are young adults, not children.

Very few people are able to leave home at 16 these days.

Your son being taller than you doesn't change the fact that he is still considered a child. I was taller than my mum at 12 - was I an adult then?

Sumerisicumenin · 31/05/2021 20:50

mbosmz is right

DS needs to learn how to deal with anger without bullying a child, he targeted his brother twice, and without getting physical with others, adult or no.
Fuck off is one thing, I’d let it go because he’s stressed and looking for a reaction. But the physical stuff? If he doesn’t learn control, he’s either going to get the shit beaten out of him by someone with poor impulse control, or he’ll hurt someone. Perhaps seriously if unintentionally. Maybe a girlfriend.
For his own safety, work out something.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 31/05/2021 20:51

I'd find it hard not to quickly retaliate if someone my own size pushed me. I wouldn't be surprised if I instinctively pushed back. Doesn't make it right but imo your DP is only human.

However I think your DP should tell him that it was wrong that he too lashed out and that it doesn't set a good example. But that doesn't excuse all that your DS has done.

Both U.

Lulola · 31/05/2021 20:52

A push back to a 16 year old who could well be the same size if not bigger then him is a good lesson in don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Your DS needs to learn to curb his temper and instinct towards violence.
There are many people in the world who don't love him and would not hesitate at all to respond to a push with a hiding!

I agree with this. Anywhere else it could have got him in a lot of trouble, hopefully the shock of someone retaliating will teach him not to do it again.

I think he needs firm boundaries too because of the swearing and lashing out, it’s understandable that he is upset but his reactions seem very over the top.

Imapotato · 31/05/2021 20:52

@cupsofcoffee

Except he’s 16 and not a child. If he was 6 I would agree, but he’s not. Pushing a 16 year old back - when they’ve pushed you first - in a controlled manor is not abusive. It has obviously had an impact on OPs ds and made him consider his actions.

Sixteen year olds are still children. And how do you push someone in a "controlled manner" anyway? It's a sign that you've lost control, surely?

I left home at 16 and lived as an adult. My dd1 is 16 and has a good 3 inches on me. They are young adults, not children.

Very few people are able to leave home at 16 these days.

Your son being taller than you doesn't change the fact that he is still considered a child. I was taller than my mum at 12 - was I an adult then?

My point is at 16 if they want to play the big man and push their step father, they are big enough to take a shove back and we shouldn’t all get up in arms as if he was a small child.
OneMamaAndHerGirl · 31/05/2021 21:00

@Sumerisicumenin

mbosmz is right

DS needs to learn how to deal with anger without bullying a child, he targeted his brother twice, and without getting physical with others, adult or no.
Fuck off is one thing, I’d let it go because he’s stressed and looking for a reaction. But the physical stuff? If he doesn’t learn control, he’s either going to get the shit beaten out of him by someone with poor impulse control, or he’ll hurt someone. Perhaps seriously if unintentionally. Maybe a girlfriend.
For his own safety, work out something.

Bullying a child? Are you actually for real?

He pushed back a young adult who thought he was big enough to push his own father. If my brothers had done that they would of had more then a push back. The world has gone mad!