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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The “Cycling Send-Off Woman.” What the hell?

813 replies

4cats4kids · 31/05/2021 16:41

Sorry if this sounds petty, but the most terrible woman came to my house yesterday and I still can’t believe the audacity of her. My husband is in a cycling training team and one of the things they do is meet at 7am on a Sunday morning at a cafe and then they go off out of London on their various routes. This has been going on years and they are basically cycling round the world in stages (as part of a larger group).

So apparently, this weekend was “our turn” to do lunch for this lot - a.k.a “my turn” (but don’t worry, I will not be making a habit of it). I was expecting about 8 who are all men, but this atrocious woman turned up in a sports car before them and was sitting on the drive waiting until they came. I thought she must be something to do with nextdoor (shared driveway), but when they showed up on the bikes she came in with them.

My husband was kind of mouthing, “sorry” to me and they all looked embarrassed. Then he tells me, he’s really sorry, but this is “the cycling send-off woman” Confused and today she has followed them in the car. So basically, I have since found out that this nut job of a woman seems to think she is in the cycling team and turns up at the crack of dawn when they meet and in all weathers, though she never actually cycles with them. Apparently, she always says she will join them one day, but never does. She doesn’t even have the right kind of bike, her bike is apparently more a shopping bike with streamers on the handlebars like a 4 year-old! Once she did cycle with them, but only for about a mile as she couldn’t keep up. She wears really short shorts and brings them all muffins and god knows what apparently at 7am Hmm. DH says they never eat them. Also, she waves pom-poms when they leave. I couldn’t believe it. I asked my husband why he’s never mentioned her before and I said it’s fairly obvious why she’s showing up. He just said they don’t know why she comes and they all think she’s mad. On this day, she had driven to some other cafe where they stop in Surrey because it was a nice day and she fancied the drive. Then she took it upon herself to turn up for lunch because she thinks she’s in the cycling club!

She is like something from Ab Fab and really loud. They were in the garden and there I was, backwards and forwards, while she was going on about how she’s just bought a Zwift, but she can’t seem to get it set up, so could any of them come over to her house and set it up for her (nobody offered and it was very awkward). I also heard her tell my husband (loudly) that she’d really like to bring her son to his boxing club and maybe he could he train them both? It was so very strange. As if! Also, she wasn’t exactly making an effort to talk to me. How rude. I have never come across a woman like this in my life. She is late 40s - who behaves like this?

AIBU to be annoyed that this happened at all? My husband has apologised but seems to think it’s a joke. He doesn’t get it at all. These men are late 40s and collectively, should be able to get rid of this lunatic. He says it’s a public cafe and there’s lots of people there and they can’t really stop her. Well, just find a different place to meet then!

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 02/06/2021 01:19

I don't think OP can be accused of allowing it to continue.

flowerbombVR · 02/06/2021 01:43

Op is perpetuating the narrative given by her dh though.

TheChiefJo · 02/06/2021 01:53

She appears to believe it, so I find that to be unfair. Even if it is a narrative concocted by her DH (and we don't know), she isn't knowingly doing that.

ContinuousMonotoneBeep · 02/06/2021 06:23

The OP has nothing to do with any of the situation. It's a real stretch to try blame on her isn't it.

Sure she's guilt of is buying into the story and not questioning it just because her DH said it. Which just feels similar just believing the "my ex was a psycho" nonsense some men trot out. You need to question how his (or in the case his and the other cyclists) behaviour has influenced it.

flowerbombVR · 02/06/2021 06:41

Certainly. It just reeks of ignorance and stereotypes. And dare I say it, classism.

Rollmopsrule · 02/06/2021 06:43

flowerbombVR exactly what I was thinking. You, your DH and the rest of this sad 'team' sound horrible. Op has made personal comments about how this woman looks. Jeering and making fun of someone behind their back rather than being upfront. I would be appalled if my dh and his mates behaved like this. What an awful bunch you are.

4cats4kids · 02/06/2021 08:05

Blimey.

“It just reeks of ignorance and stereotypes. And dare I say it, classism.”

What does this even mean? How have I “stereotyped” this woman - she is a one off. And “classicism?” Really?

My husband is not “jeering and making fun” of this woman behind anyone’s back. This is the whole point! He is not mentioning her at all. It’s only because she showed up here I even found out. FYI, he has never disrespected women in the 20 years I’ve known him. He’s not like that.

To the pp quizzing about what was said about the boxing - I know what I heard in the garden. Later on when they had all gone, I told him I thought what she said was peculiar and inappropriate, but he said he didn’t really remember her saying it and don’t be silly, of course she’s not going to want him to train her in boxing.., basically dismissed it. But I know what I heard with my own ears at the time. He did close her down, yes, but the point is - in my view, he doesn’t read this kind of scenario the way other people would. So things happen that to me are blatant, but he doesn’t notice or think to mention anything. Like the fact she was showing up at 7am at all. Did that not strike him as odd, regardless of anything else?

I don’t think she will stalk him to the boxing tonight, but if she did, would he even clock that was strange? Would he bother mentioning it? This what annoys me and why I started the thread.

Put it this way, if there was a man turning up to where I meet some friends to go running, I would think that was odd, straight off. Especially, early in the morning. If he brought snacks and pom poms - even weirder. If he drove to the halfway point and then came back to my house for lunch, we would be freaked out. If he then said he had a running machine in his house and would we like to go in to see it - creep! And if then, I mentioned I do Pilates and he said he’s like to come along so I could show him, that to me, is full on stalker behaviour. If I told DH that he’d have quite a lot to say. But when it’s him, he apparently doesn’t notice or think anything is worth mentioning.

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 02/06/2021 08:31

How very strange on so many levels. I don't understand why you didn't just say this lunch is for the team only and not let this odd ball into your home/garden, especially with Covid. If a man was following women in this way I doubt many husbands would cook him lunch like this.

5475878237NC · 02/06/2021 08:32

Yes I agree OP. Clearly they don't want to get rid of her.

Coconuttts · 02/06/2021 08:35

I think show him that, what you've just written OP - it's logical and he can't argue with it. She's embarrassing herself, and it's obvious she must have an interest in one of the men cycling - maybe not your man particularly - but this behaviour is so blatant and inappropriate it needs shutting down. Good luck!

LookItsMeAgain · 02/06/2021 08:38

Why don't the cyclists set up a new WhatsApp group, leave the other one running along and just put nonsense stuff in it every now and again but in relation to the meet-ups, they use the new group to organise that.
Then if she shows up again, you'll know that one of the blokes actually sent the information along to her??

Be a bit of a sleuth here....
We've got our pompoms ready and are cheering you on @4cats4kids!

Thiscantreallybehappening · 02/06/2021 08:48

For what it is worth, this is what I think.

The woman wanted to get into cycling, joined the group and realised very quickly that she couldn't keep up with them. Instead of recognising this and finding a beginners group she stayed attached to the group and developed this role for herself. These cycling meet ups are clearly a major part of her life and she probably talks about them and makes out it is something a lot more than it is to friends/family.

The men have just got on with their routes, timings, discussions, trips and because no one has said to her, "this isn't really working and could you find another group more suited to your ability" she has just tagged along and the longer it has gone on the harder it has become for them to say anything. They assumed she would get bored and move on. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.

Knowing people who are involved in cycling groups like the OP's DH, I can see how this has happened. The men will just have been totally focused on their cycling but, in her imagination, she has built this up to be something a lot more. The chances are she in interested in one of the group and she will be now so attached to meeting them, she sees herself as one of them and entitled to be involved in everything they do, hence turning up at OP's house. At best she is eccentric at worst she is a stalker and is fantasising over a life with one of them.

OP comes across as very sensible and level headed. OP, do you know any of the other men's partners? If so, could you have a chat to them?

BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 08:50

Apologies if you’ve already said, but were you at least introduced to her? Or did she introduce herself at all?

I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would host someone without knowing who they were and how they fitted in. I’d have to ask. But then I am quite forward.

If it happens again you have to just ask. ‘Hi, I’m 4cats, welcome. I didn’t catch your name? So you’re not a cyclist, what’s your connection to the group again?’

lottiegarbanzo · 02/06/2021 08:53

Women are afraid of strange men. Men are not afraid of strange women. Women are trained to feel strong social obligations towards other people. Your most recent post summarises some very basic social sex differences, OP.

MintyMabel · 02/06/2021 08:59

I’m not sure why you keep saying “if it were a man” but also suggest they can’t tell her not to just because she is a woman.

You have a group of adults here, who are (apparently) confused about why someone who doesn’t share take part in their hobby, showing up to be part of their group, and nobody has the stones to ask her not to? And you are focussing on her short comings rather than theirs?

If she is there, it is because someone invited her.

Amammi · 02/06/2021 09:00

The group travel abroad together for cycling holidays. Has she ventured this far with them? I’d be concerned tbh if it’s gone that far. Ask your DH how long this is going on and the extent of her contact with the group

TheChiefJo · 02/06/2021 09:26

Don't take the more extremely critical comments in the thread to heart, OP. It's a very odd situation and none of us know how we'd react. People have assumed some stuff about you and your marriage that's unjustified at best, and at worst bonkers.

TheChiefJo · 02/06/2021 09:35

I agree with MintyMabel there. The world is full of characters, eccentrics and the rest. Your DH and his mates seem a bit odd, tbf. I'd still be grilling him if I were in your shoes, just out of curiosity and wonder.

4cats4kids · 02/06/2021 10:28

Yes there are eccentrics and all sorts in the world, you are right. She is one of them. I also think my husband is unusual in some respects, to be fair, because he’s very one-track minded. It’s difficult to get certain types of information out of him and this can feel like stonewalling, at times.

No, I doubt she’s been abroad with them. To be honest, when he goes abroad it’s generally different people, I think. But I don’t actually know. I don’t know any of them or any of the wives really. I don’t really ask him about his hobbies apart from what he tells me as I have four children snd enough going on and I don’t have the headspace for it all.

She did say, “Hi I’m... “ when she breezed in and, “Thanks darling have a lovely weekend” when she left (or something like that, but definitely the word “darling” was used). I just found her patronising overall.

To be honest, whether shes specifically after my husband or not, I can’t say, but I think she would have no qualms if the opportunity presented itself. She came across as quite aggressive actually and I don’t like this.

Thiscantreallybehappening - yes, I agree and also lottiegarbanzo, You are right there.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 02/06/2021 11:12

I know what you mean about your DH, OP, mine is exactly the same. He's a work-aholic and has total tunnel vision when he is focused on something. He just doesn't notice the rest of the world trundling along around him and I have seen women blatantly making a play for him and he genuinly doesn't realise! I do agree with Thiscantreallybehappening, they probably all thought she would go away by now. She's sound agressive and full on, perhaps it comes from loneliness and she means well, I don't know. I wouldn't let her in my house again, though, if you host another lunch. She was rude to you and thats all the excuse you need for not letting her in.

MintyMabel · 02/06/2021 11:32

but I think she would have no qualms if the opportunity presented itself

Do you judge all women in this way? Or just the ones you don’t like?

You have absolutely no idea of her motivations, let alone whether she is after any of the apparently spineless guys in this group.

4cats4kids · 02/06/2021 11:41

krustykittens - yes, it’s exactly the same here. He’s an extreme workaholic and always was.

MintyMabel - I have a pretty good idea, to be fair.

OP posts:
celiamary · 02/06/2021 12:01

I have seen this kind of behaviour in both women and the occasional man in small local charities. They seem to become the 'pet' of the group or the 11 stone mascot.

They are very difficult to manage. We had to become very formal with one at a youth group.

maskface212 · 02/06/2021 12:02

@RaskolnikovsGarret

I feel really sorry for her for some reason. She sounds lonely. Sad I must be having a sense of humour failure, as I think I’m in the minority.
I agree. Sounds like they're taking the piss out of her and tolerate her for a bit of a laugh. I feel very sad for her; she's not doing any harm and seems to be a figure of ridicule. It all seems very unkind.

I'd be more fucked off about being treated like something out of The Stepford Wives.

celiamary · 02/06/2021 12:13

@maskface212

Yes lonely and a bit sad. They keep wanting to do things that are out of their reach. Kidding herself that she is 'one of the gang'.

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