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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
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8
CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 08:58

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger an 8 year old boy and a 2 year old girl who don't live each other the majority of the time and who don't share the shame parentage? Of course they need separate spaces.[/quote]
For those who need the potential unsafeness spelt out to them

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 31/05/2021 08:59

@UhtredRagnarson

They can share a room for now but it won't be long before it's unsafe

Unsafe?

I'm also not getting why it's "unsafe ". Hmm
UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 09:00

For those who need the potential unsafeness spelt out to them

Did you quote the wrong post? Confused there is nothing in there that explains how it will be unsafe for them to share.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 31/05/2021 09:02

Clearly I'm thick as I still don't see the problem.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 09:03

Ah yes sorry, meant to quote one of mine. There is the potential for abuse. I say potential.

Summersnake · 31/05/2021 09:03

I went to my dads very weekend,had a put me up in the lounge .
I was fine ,I came to no harm ,I was there to see my dad .not have a second bedroom.
I had a bedroom at home with my mum ,I didn’t need a second bedroom just for weekends
Op your daughter needs a bedroom,your step son has a bedroom at home with his mum .
Why should your step son get 2 bedrooms and your daughter get none

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 09:04

[quote user7836]@LottieRigger an 8 year old boy and a 2 year old girl who don't live each other the majority of the time and who don't share the shame parentage? Of course they need separate spaces.[/quote]
They have the same dad. They are half-siblings so they do (partially) share the same parentage. Sharing a room at this age isn’t a problem, but it’s a little more awkward when they’re not the same sex. They need to move into a 3 bed house really soon though. A 10 year old boy won’t want to share a room with his 4 year old sister.

Plumbear2 · 31/05/2021 09:07

I shared a room with my brother for years, it was never unsafe. My step siblings slept in my mum and stepdads room on weekends which had an area for them with home comforts, toys etc it very much felt like their space.. Our parents slept on Camp beds in the lounge for that 1 night a week. Something you could consider.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 09:07

@CutieBear obviously my point is that they are not full siblings and that does change things especially with the age gap and opposite sex.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 31/05/2021 09:08

‘Ah yes sorry, meant to quote one of mine. There is the potential for abuse. I say potential.’

Holy fuck. Does this apply to all 8 year old boys? Or perhaps it’s the 2 year old girl who is the potential abuser? Or is it the parent? The OP? Ir her partner?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/05/2021 09:09

Bunk beds and they share or you up your income if you want your daughter to have her own room. It’s not his fault you wanted another child but couldn’t afford another room.

UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 09:09

Ah yes sorry, meant to quote one of mine. There is the potential for abuse. I say potential.

Ahh, I understand. Yes, the boy should be protected from being abused by his sister.

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 09:12

Unless the OP suspects her DSS is the victim of abuse or has witnessed abuse, this fear is being massively overstated. The vast majority of well-adjusted, properly safeguarded children do not abuse younger siblings.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 09:12

I clearly have different views to others on this thread and am risk adverse so maybe ignore my advice OP, I didn't realise I was so off the mark with my thinking.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/05/2021 09:13

They share obviously and if/when it becomes an issue then of course you and DH give up your bed and you sleep in the living room one night a month.

If not why not? If it's good enough for your stepson....

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 31/05/2021 09:14

@IgglePiggleHater

Unless the OP suspects her DSS is the victim of abuse or has witnessed abuse, this fear is being massively overstated. The vast majority of well-adjusted, properly safeguarded children do not abuse younger siblings.
This.
Imapotato · 31/05/2021 09:15

There’s a few potential options here. Without knowing the size of the rooms it’s hard to know which would be the best one.

The best, in my opinion, would be that you move into the smaller room and you spilt the bigger one so the kids have a small room each.

If that’s not possible then you could go for bunk beds with them sharing, but that would only work for another 2 years or so and then you’d need to be looking at moving.

The third is your dd has the smaller bedroom, but dss has all his things in an area of your room, so it can be made to feel like his and you and your DH sleep in the living room every other weekend.

Ideally I think you do need to try and move as soon as possible.

FunMcCool · 31/05/2021 09:17

They are brother and sister why can’t they share the room? You’re both being pretty unreasonable. Just have them share the room and problem solved.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 31/05/2021 09:17

@CoffeeCakey

I clearly have different views to others on this thread and am risk adverse so maybe ignore my advice OP, I didn't realise I was so off the mark with my thinking.
If you have children of your own I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help. It’s not healthy or normal to view a child as a potential abuser.
Butterfly44 · 31/05/2021 09:19

She's still in a cot, still young enough, and would probably enjoy sharing. You're thinking about this as an adult. Kids are fine to share until they hit teen time then they want there own space. You've a while until this happens, and by then the step child will likely be wanting the blow up bed to have their own space not in the same room.

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 09:22

@user7836 @CoffeeCakey would you raise concerns of sexual abuse had the 8 year old been a girl and the 2 year old a boy? Or do you just accuse step/half brothers of abuse?

socalledfriend · 31/05/2021 09:23

Does it have to be bunk beds? Is there room for two single beds?

Long term you will have to think of another solution. How far away does DSS live? It sounds like he is already reluctant to visit - is it because he misses out on stuff "at home" like clubs and friends?

A colleague of mine recently told her DP he would have to find somewhere else to host his DC when they visited if he didn't agree their own child could have a dedicated bedroom and his DC would have to sleep on sofabed. Her argument was

a. It's her house and he pays nothing towards it.
b. His DC have their own bedrooms (at their mums) and her/their child should at least have the same.

This is the kind if shite that meant I never dated anyone with children.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 09:27

RealhousewifeofStoke thanks, yes this thread has shown me I clearly need to address my issues.

OP ignore my comments please I clearly am way off the mark.

Unsure33 · 31/05/2021 09:28

Get a trundle bed where one rolls out from underneath . And then they can chose to share or you can wheel one into your own room when ds stays

Joeblack066 · 31/05/2021 09:29

@ThursdayWeld

OP, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your OH's relationship with his son is as precious to him as his relationship with your/his daughter.

You are treating his son as a second class citizen in the family.

I quite agree and you have put this more eloquently than I would’ve managed. OP your DSS will be picking up on your underlying attitude to him, and this will be crating his reluctance to come. Blend your family properly instead of paying it lip service, and let them share a room.
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