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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One spare room, blended family

239 replies

Sezsmee · 30/05/2021 22:48

Me and my partner have a 2yr old DD. He has a DS (8 yrs) from a previous relationship who stays with us less than 36 hours a fortnight. We have a two bedroom house. Our only spare room is currently set up as his room and our DD sleeps in a cot in our room. We can't afford to move right now and our DD sleeping in our room is starting to become problematic. I want to convert the spare room into a proper bedroom for our DD (the child who lives there). My partner doesn't agree and thinks that we should have bunk beds in there so it's our DD room most of the time but then she has to move out and sleep with us when his son comes to stay. I don't agree and don't think it's fair on our DD to give up her room for someone who is hardly there. My partner is worried that his son will not want to come over if he doesn't have his own bedroom, but he only uses the room for sleeping. His DS has been claiming to not want to come over quite alot recently (which he knows upsets my partner) and understandably it is making my partner nervous. I'm not suggesting that he stops coming over, but simply uses the blow up bed in the living room. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to give our DD her own room?

OP posts:
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Allgirlskidsanddogs · 31/05/2021 09:29

Can you get a corner bunk where the low bed is against 1 walk and the high bed goes against the other wall? Then the children share but the wall their bed is on can be decorated for them.

Sitchervice · 31/05/2021 09:29

I'm sorry that your in this situation, however bunkbeds yes but she should sleep in with you when he's over.

To those saying they should share there would be no issue. My husband was both sexually and physically abused by his step brother and they were only a year apart. Granted it was when he was 10-11 and... Darling step brother 11-12 but it still happened. DFL knew it was happening but prioritised his DSS over his own son.

I think you may have to start looking at the possibility of getting bigger house eventually.

Twoforthree · 31/05/2021 09:30

Some good suggestions here

PiuVinoPerFavore · 31/05/2021 09:31

Bloody hell. The poor boy. He's being treated like an unwanted guest and now people are saying to be careful he's an abuser. An 8 year old. Very sad.

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 09:32

@CoffeeCakey. You're right that there's always a tiny risk. But sexualised behaviour in children that young is usually a sign of abuse or exposure to inappropriate content which they then act out. If the children are properly supervised (which you'd expect a 2 year old to be) and her DSS doesn't show any warning signs, the risks really are very small.

motogogo · 31/05/2021 09:32

Why can't they share when he comes? Kids often share

reallyreallyborednow · 31/05/2021 09:32

I’d set the room up for your dd, single bed. Neutral colours, don’t go all out pink fairy glitter shit.

Your dd can share with you when sds stays. It’ll be fun for her on a blow up bed and sds effectively gets to keep the bedroom.

user7836 · 31/05/2021 09:37

@CutieBear why are you tagging me? I haven't said anything about sexualised behaviour? I just don't think it's fair for an age gap that large for children to share and I think opposite sex does complicate things not due to sexualisation but for increasing the differences and thus less common ground between the two. But mostly it's the age gap that's an issue.

socalledfriend · 31/05/2021 09:37

@Unsure33

Get a trundle bed where one rolls out from underneath . And then they can chose to share or you can wheel one into your own room when ds stays
This is a great idea!
motogogo · 31/05/2021 09:39

@CoffeeCakey

Unless there's a specific reason, half siblings sharing is fine, why wouldn't it be safe.

I shared with my 2 brothers!

Actually the sensible option is that the dd gets the bedroom, the dss gets the parents room and the parents sleep on a sofa bed

stayathomer · 31/05/2021 09:43

OP I think you're getting a very hard time here too, the thing is, it's not like some cases on mn where the child comes once a year or the like- 36 hours every 2 weeks is actually a lot so they deserve for more than just put them wherever you can. As for people saying about it being illegal for kids of opposite sexes to share, what on earth?!?!

PaperbackRider · 31/05/2021 09:43

@sixswans

He's not a visitor, he's a family member. If his dad lives there it's his home.
IT clearly is not his home! He is there less than 36 hours a fortnight, and if OP has her way it will soon be even less. IT's not in any sense of the word his home.
ElderMillennial · 31/05/2021 09:46

I understand why you want a room for your DD and you say it's not fair for your DD to give up her room when DSS comes but it's not fair on DSS either

Megan2018 · 31/05/2021 09:51

YABU. Totally unreasonable actually.
If you want your child to have their own room then you need to move house.
If you don’t want them to share and can’t afford to move then you really shouldn’t have had another child.

It is fine for siblings to share though, your step child should have their own space. It is their home regardless of how few hours they spend in it.
Shoving them out of their room for their sibling is an awful thing to do.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 09:53

[quote IgglePiggleHater]@CoffeeCakey. You're right that there's always a tiny risk. But sexualised behaviour in children that young is usually a sign of abuse or exposure to inappropriate content which they then act out. If the children are properly supervised (which you'd expect a 2 year old to be) and her DSS doesn't show any warning signs, the risks really are very small.[/quote]
Yes fair enough. I have been made aware my views are not shared and apologise for derailing the thread somewhat.

MignonLA · 31/05/2021 10:14

I think these below are really lovely solutions.

I think you are getting such a hard time because of the blow up bed remark. I do think you should explain to stepson that you are re decorating the bedroom and DD will be moving in. Ask him what colour he would like and ask him to choose new bedding, and maybe say you are getting some new toy storage so are there any toys he fancied he would like?

I think the comments about ‘safeguarding’ shall we say are well overblown. My mother shared a BED with a brother well into teens as that was the reality of a large family in a tiny mining town terrace.

One spare room, blended family
One spare room, blended family
Pottedpalm · 31/05/2021 10:23

@IgglePiggleHater

Unless the OP suspects her DSS is the victim of abuse or has witnessed abuse, this fear is being massively overstated. The vast majority of well-adjusted, properly safeguarded children do not abuse younger siblings.
The majority of teachers, sports coaches, priests, uncles do not abuse children but we have safeguards and there is a massive backlash if people fo not observe the advised protocols,
Pottedpalm · 31/05/2021 10:26

@PiuVinoPerFavore

Bloody hell. The poor boy. He's being treated like an unwanted guest and now people are saying to be careful he's an abuser. An 8 year old. Very sad.
You are talking rubbish, as you are doubtless well aware. Just trying to stir things .
londonscalling · 31/05/2021 10:40

Just set it up as a single bedroom in neutral'ish colours. When he comes to stop it's his room and your DD can sleep in with you (or similar) The rest of the time it's hers.

Alternatively they share it.

Realistically, he will probably get to the age soon when he doesn't want to sleep over.

HotChocolateLover · 31/05/2021 10:43

Surely at 2 and 8 they can share can’t they? If they were 6 and 14 it might be a bit odd but that’s not a worry for now. I think it’s going to have to be bunk beds for now I’m afraid.

HotChocolateLover · 31/05/2021 10:43

8 and 14 sorry! My maths isn’t on top form!

RealhousewifeofStoke · 31/05/2021 10:44

‘You are talking rubbish, as you are doubtless well aware. Just trying to stir things .’

Nah. A child being made to sleep on an airbed and more than one poster agreeing that it’s not safe to let him sleep in the same room as his sister?
Not shit stirring. Just stating fact soWink

Pottedpalm · 31/05/2021 10:46

I think they should share, in the best way you can arrange. There are some lovely ideas around if the room is big enough. DD should not move out when DSD is there; what message does that give het?

Plumbear2 · 31/05/2021 10:49

I find it very upsetting that an 8 year old is being suspected as an abuser . I have teen boys and going g by recent media males of this age group are akso being seen as suspected abusers even tho the majority are innocent. Let's stop this ignorant portrayal of young males, it criminalises a whole gender at a young age. Imagine the outcry if the same was happening to young and teen girls.

Pottedpalm · 31/05/2021 10:51

@RealhousewifeofStoke

‘You are talking rubbish, as you are doubtless well aware. Just trying to stir things .’

Nah. A child being made to sleep on an airbed and more than one poster agreeing that it’s not safe to let him sleep in the same room as his sister?
Not shit stirring. Just stating fact soWink

‘People are saying to be careful he’s an abuser’.

No-one said that, or implied it; you are trying to stir things up.

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