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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 30/05/2021 18:39

What is the big deal
About telling her - that's the point. It seems a bit petty.

Because at 16, it’s not my place. If it was me, I’d encourage the girl to tell her mum but I wouldn’t get involved any more than that. It’s for her mum to check with me or talk to her daughter about.

iwishiwasonhol · 30/05/2021 19:02

my dd is 16 ,had some friends over in the garden last night when i was at work, remined her to lock the gate and the back door when they had gone, got in at 11.30 everyone had gone at 10 shes in the house ,gate and back door not locked ,keys just left on the outdoor chairs ,so yes despite how sensible kids are sometimes they just dont think ,so no i wouldnt be happy with her staying over without knowing that you werent there

An0n0n0n · 30/05/2021 19:02

Personally id stay at home and celebrate a bit with DD and friend and postpone partner meet up.

An0n0n0n · 30/05/2021 19:04

And you do need to tell the other girks parents if you arent there, id be fucking furious not to have the full facts and frankly id never let my daughter near yours again if all 3 of you and daughters witheld that information from me

An0n0n0n · 30/05/2021 19:06

And deep dowm you know youre being selfish- it doesnt work for YOU to stay home, you want to do what suits YOUR Daughter and you so you make her happy.

Ginger1982 · 30/05/2021 19:19

I wouldn't be happy about this, but then I'd probably be proactively checking with you what the arrangements were if I was the other mother.

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 19:26

My DD 15 used to go to her friends house after school and hang out at her friends mum's work. Home by dark etc. All fine.

Except I then find out mum runs a massage parlour, visited exclusively by men.

Did I step in? Yes I did. Because whilst she is almost an adult and needs some freedom, she also isn't old enough yet to appreciate the full range of risks. I don't need her on the radar of people who may or may not exploit others.

I guess what I learnt is that parents of friends cannot be trusted carte blanche.

NerrSnerr · 30/05/2021 19:39

Isn't it up to the 16 year old to sort this with her parents or not? Do any parents get involved in arrangements for sleepovers for 16 year olds? Are they also arranging play dates for them over half term?

If leaving a couple of 16 year olds at my house I'd possibly tell them I'll call them at set times so you know things are not too far out of hand.

WildfirePonie · 30/05/2021 19:41

Just arrange to see DP another night surely?! Confused

Thirtyysomething · 30/05/2021 19:52

My DD is the same age. I always tell the parents if I’m going to be out until 10/11 so I would definitely tell them overnight. That said, my DD stayed at her friends house last weekend and her mum was working overnight... she didn’t tell me and I didn’t really think anything of it. I spoke to DD through the evening and all fine, but drinking or trouble would have happened, I would have been blaming the mum for not being there! Not worth the risk. Just tell her mum you won’t be home.

suzy2b · 30/05/2021 20:04

there're 16 not 6 i left home when I was 15 daughter left at 16 ,and i do know that she went clubbing and was drinking

KaleSlayer · 30/05/2021 20:10

Thirtyysomething

Once my kids got to secondary school, I didn’t even know most of their friends parents. I just get all the information from my children. I expect other parents and kids to communicate too.

Sunflowers095 · 30/05/2021 21:03

Whether the mother is unreasonable or not, it's only one night so I would be tempted to just make it work. You could:

  • rearrange DP night
  • have DP come to you
  • see him in the evening but come back overnight

I don't think it's worth the hassle of lying/having your daughter be upset over her friend not being able to come over.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 30/05/2021 22:52

@KaleSlayer

What is the big deal About telling her - that's the point. It seems a bit petty.

Because at 16, it’s not my place. If it was me, I’d encourage the girl to tell her mum but I wouldn’t get involved any more than that. It’s for her mum to check with me or talk to her daughter about.

But her daughter is in your home - with your agreement! Somebody else's child is in your home. 16 is still not an adult! Hopefully not but Just supposing something went wrong - fire anything - I know it's unlikely but just imagine. (Grenfell) - nobody would agree with you that it was up to the other mother to ask you - when you knew full well she is under the impression you would be at home. I actually think this is awful thing to do to another parent. You know it's wrong otherwise why would you start a thread?? Just in the hope enough people agree with you so you feel better. I'm hiding this thread as it makes me really annoyed.
KaleSlayer · 30/05/2021 23:17

PreparationPreparationPrep

I would never expect another parent to have to take responsibility for my 16 year old. That responsibility is their own and mine. Parents need to take responsibility for their relationships with their children, if your child can’t be honest with you, that’s really not my problem. I’m not policing another 16 year old. The fact that this mother is uptight about her 16 year old staying over with a friend, when she thinks the parent is there, is reason for concern. I feel sorry for the friend, I’m not adding to that madness. Poor girl...almost woman!

TSSDNCOP · 30/05/2021 23:22

Once my kids got to secondary school, I didn’t even know most of their friends parents. I just get all the information from my children. I expect other parents and kids to communicate too.

Agreed, but OP knows very well that's not happening here. If the parent of one of your kids friend was colluding to deceive you would you participate? I think OP can avoid this entire situation, and that would be the right thing you do.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 30/05/2021 23:23

@KaleSlayer

PreparationPreparationPrep

I would never expect another parent to have to take responsibility for my 16 year old. That responsibility is their own and mine. Parents need to take responsibility for their relationships with their children, if your child can’t be honest with you, that’s really not my problem. I’m not policing another 16 year old. The fact that this mother is uptight about her 16 year old staying over with a friend, when she thinks the parent is there, is reason for concern. I feel sorry for the friend, I’m not adding to that madness. Poor girl...almost woman!

Then you should not have her in your home if that reason is sincere! If i give an under 18 permission to be in my home, then I bear some of that responsibility while they are under my roof. Yes it is up to the parent to check but you know full well that you are keeping information from her so as not to ruin your plans or your daughters - that's the difference.
toocold54 · 30/05/2021 23:48

Why can’t you see you DP the day before or after? Why does it have to be that exact night?
Sounds like you’ve arranged it when your DDs friend is there purposely so you can spend the night at his.

Ohhyeahright · 31/05/2021 00:05

Dear lord.

SteveArnottsCodeine · 31/05/2021 00:11

I’m on the fence on this. As a mum I’m a bit uncomfortable about it, but this might be because my eldest is ten years younger than this still, so the idea of a sleepover I’m uninformed about the details of is alien to me! But as a human I don’t think it’s anything to get too het up about. My best friend and I were sleeping over at one another’s at 16 with no input from our parents, beside a quick “bye mum, I’ll be at SteveArnottsCodeine’s house tonight, see ya!” As we ran out for the bus. Our mums certainly weren’t ringing one another about our plans, we did it all ourselves. So on that basis I would say it’s lying only by omission and not that big a deal I don’t think.

KaleSlayer · 31/05/2021 00:42

PreparationPreparationPrep

It’s just a difference of opinion. I see 16 as the cut off, you see it as 18. I wouldn’t let anyone under 16 stay in our house if I wasn’t here. However, if my son has a friend here who is over 16, I will only definitely be here if their parent has expressed that wish. My son is 17 and has gone away to see his friends this week. No idea if the parents are there, I asked, he wasn’t sure. He is my responsibility, he knows he has to check in with me. I don’t expect some other parent to parent him.

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2021 04:10

I would never expect another parent to have to take responsibility for my 16 year old. That responsibility is their own and mine. Parents need to take responsibility for their relationships with their children, if your child can’t be honest with you, that’s really not my problem. I’m not policing another 16 year old. The fact that this mother is uptight about her 16 year old staying over with a friend, when she thinks the parent is there, is reason for concern. I feel sorry for the friend, I’m not adding to that madness. Poor girl...almost woman

Well and good but your ideas don’t necessarily match with the law and where you sit with having minors in your house and Duty of Care etc. It’s all great bless something goes wrong and then you may be there n for a few surprises if a claim were to be brought against you.

SD1978 · 31/05/2021 05:00

The Kim is already anxious, rightly or wrongly, and the plan to lie by omission would stop me allowing it in futures. If you think/ know the assumption is you'll be there and you're not- the not lying thing is semantics- you know she'll be unhappy so juts won't say anything. You're not happy for your 16 year old daughter to stay alone at the age of 16, but happy for her friend to be her company, whilst you know her mum probably isn't.

Henrysmycat · 31/05/2021 05:18

@PreparationPreparationPrep 100% agree. I would never leave my 16 year old and her friend alone for some personal fun and frolics.
Shit happens all the time. Neighbours left their 15 year olds and their friends allegedly, for a few hours, and it only took a wrong Twitter/tiktok/Snapchat of “alone having fun” for the school bullies to use the location and descent on the house causing havoc to the neighbourhood.

KaleSlayer · 31/05/2021 05:19

Well and good but your ideas don’t necessarily match with the law and where you sit with having minors in your house and Duty of Care etc. It’s all great bless something goes wrong and then you may be there n for a few surprises if a claim were to be brought against you.

As far as I know there is no age stated by law in England. I know that the NSPCC advises under 16s shouldn’t be left overnight. So as long as they’re over 16, responsible, are comfortable with being left and have no additional needs, I think it’s fine.

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