AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

[SatansHelper]

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

I would not have known who was at my house when my kids were 16, we often woke up and there were extra people there.

That's fine for you but most people would hate to live like that.

YABU OP, the mother needs to know.

In two years this girl could be living alone at uni, and people are freaking out over a couple of 16 year olds spending a night with no adults?
But she's not talking about two years' time is she? She's talking about now. OP, sounds like you know the adult thing to do would be to tell the parents but you want to get on the right side of your daughter. I would be very annoyed if my son or daughter was at a sleepover where I thought there was a responsible parent but actually they had decided to go out without telling me.

@SpongebobNoPants

It’s absolutely fine for you to decide your 16 year old DD will be ok on her own for the night... it’s absolutely not ok to make that decision for another parent about their child.

Tell the other girl’s mum, she’ll probably be fine with it but you never know. I’d be pissed off if I assumed my child was in an adult supervised household and it turned out they weren’t.

This.

I lived alone from 16, it's up to her really.

@comedycentral

I lived alone from 16, it's up to her really.

That’s awesome

But this girl doesn’t live alone.

She lives with her mother
And I’d put money on it that her mother pays the bills, folded her money, buys groceries, cooks most of the food, sorts the utilities and repairs and ferries her around

'I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there'

Well you don't choose to do it the first time when someone else's kid is there.

Either go home or tell the other parent. Obviously.

I would be very annoyed if my son or daughter was at a sleepover where I thought there was a responsible parent but actually they had decided to go out without telling me.

Then it’s for you to get in contact with the parent to check that they’ll be there. You can’t really be annoyed if you only ‘thought’ they’d be there but didn’t check, when they’re 16.

I don't think that is unreasonable. I was living completely by myself at 16.... Cannot fathom parents arranging their kids lives at 16. No wonder there are so many immature adults.

Unless there is any SEN etc involved I don't see the reason not too.
I suppose if the mother directly asks you, tell her the truth but I don't see why you'd talk anyway. Your daughter and her friend knows.

@OhGodNotThisAgain

Mumsnetters don’t leave their children home alone until the child is 30, op

I don't really understand posts like this. You realise you're s mumsnetter too?

It would be really sneaky and a breach of trust to not tell the other pardnt there wont be an adult at home.

@Sometimesfraught82, a child to me is, well, a child. A 16 year old is a teenager who I really think ought to be capable of cleaning their room, cooking basic meals, helping with chores and getting to have some ideas of what it means to be responsible. If we’re trusting them to make choices in their education for their future career, not far from learning to drive and socialise independent of their family, they need to be able to do some things for themselves. They’re 2 years from being legally an adult and we do them no service treating them as if they’re 10. No wonder so many kids have real issues when they go away to uni.

@KaleSlayer

Unless you’ve said you’ll be there, YANBU to not be, as they’re 16 and sensible. If her mum asks, then you should obviously tell her you might not be there, but if she assumes you will be and you’re not, that’s not your problem. If the mum needs to know you will be there in order for her daughter to stay over, she should check with you.

But OP knows that friends mum will not be happy worth it already. She is not telling the other parent because she doesn't want her DD to be disappointed if the sleepover is cancelled - which is wrong - they can have a sleepover any other day or she can change her evening with DP. If she doesn't want to be honest with other parent. If she was not aware that other parent would not be happy then that is a bit more understandable but she is very aware because her dad has told her hence the reason she is asking MN for their views.

'don't think that is unreasonable. I was living completely by myself at 16'

Lovely. The point is the op's has not being left alone overnight so it is unfair to so the first time when a friend stays and the other parent has no idea. It's just curtesy to inform the other parent surely. I mean no serious chats just get the dd to tell the friend to tell the parent..

@JaniieJones

'don't think that is unreasonable. I was living completely by myself at 16'

Lovely. The point is the op's has not being left alone overnight so it is unfair to so the first time when a friend stays and the other parent has no idea. It's just curtesy to inform the other parent surely. I mean no serious chats just get the dd to tell the friend to tell the parent..

I agree with this-the first time you leave someone on their own, it should be when they don’t have the pressure of a friend staying and maybe tempted to do things they wouldn’t normally. I would also feel uncomfortable being 10 miles away. And I agree it’s courtesy to let the other parent know-not in a big deal way but to let her know so she can say, ‘actually is it ok if we leave it until you’re there?’ Coming back later is by far the best solution.

But OP knows that friends mum will not be happy worth it already.

If something was an absolute must for me, then it’s on me to check. Other that that, there’s a chance that things won’t be as I want them to be because people do things differently.

Also, what seems strange here thinking about it, is that OP has taken this girl away with her on holiday before, but now the girls mum is uptight about her staying at OPs house. Apparently it took some convincing for this mum to let her daughter stay, yet she’s let her daughter go abroad with OP in the past. 🤔 I think this may all be total bollocks!

[quote Subbaxeo]@Sometimesfraught82, a child to me is, well, a child. A 16 year old is a teenager who I really think ought to be capable of cleaning their room, cooking basic meals, helping with chores and getting to have some ideas of what it means to be responsible. If we’re trusting them to make choices in their education for their future career, not far from learning to drive and socialise independent of their family, they need to be able to do some things for themselves. They’re 2 years from being legally an adult and we do them no service treating them as if they’re 10. No wonder so many kids have real issues when they go away to uni.[/quote]
I rocked up at uni, back in mid nineties and most of us didn’t know our arse from our elbow!!

The group with whom I was friends with (and particularly Inept!)....We are all fully functioning professionally successful adults worn children.

16 years old - mine will still have most of their dinners cooked; I’ll do laundry and leave in their rooms for them to sort; I’ll expect a tidy room; they’ll change their own bedding, but they won’t at all be involved in utilities, insurance, mortgage, driving etc etc

Decades to have the full responsibility of adulthood. Decades.

The quid pro quo is that I know, within reason but certainly overnight, where you are and with whom you are and if I’m not happy with where you’re proposing to stay over night - you don’t go.

Don't be selfish and stay on the house as per the agreement. Could boyfriend not come to you?

To all those "I was living alone at 16"

So was I but the point is the Op and the 2 girls are not and have never done so. They are both living under the care of their parents, so it is not a comparison at all. In addition she knows that the other parent would not be happy. It doesn't compare to somebody who is used to the responsibilities of living out. By themselves at 16. If that was the case they wouldn't be at home arranging sleepovers!

@RedHelenB

Don't be selfish and stay on the house as per the agreement. Could boyfriend not come to you?

It's ridiculous isn't it, putting the needs of her and her boyfriend over the most very basic parenting requirements.

I still think this thread might be bollocks. We’re supposed to believe that this mum has let her daughter go abroad with OP apparently but is uptight about her staying at OPs house. 🤔

But what this thread has shown is that people parent 16 year olds differently around this issue. So if it’s important to you that a parent is present at sleepovers at this age, then check. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think a parent isn’t needed, it’s also not unreasonable to think a parent is needed. It’s a ‘funny’ age. But this thread has shown that if you assume a parent will be there, that doesn’t mean they will be.

She is someone else's child. That other parent has sanctioned the event on one level of understanding. If you change the plans, you have an obligation to tell the other parent.

I’m confused.
A 16 year old in England can get married. With consent. It isn’t just scotland
Plus they can join the armed services. Have a drink with others over 18. Choose your own gp and consent or not to medical treatment. Change your name by deed poll. Have sex. Work full time et etc
And critically leave home with or WITHOUT parent consent
That includes leaving home for 1 night sleepover without parents consent

Yes, you don’t want to say to daughter you will lie. But it is not the OPs responsibility to tell the parent herself. She can suggest that if the friends mother may object then friend needs to be having a conversation about her freedoms of choice with her mother.

And for those expressing concerns about parties, drinking, not coping emergency. Having no ability to cope with life or make crap decisions does not stop when you are 18. Part of parent’s responsibility is to teach your kids to be independent and be able to cope on their own

LemonRoses

But OP hasn’t changed the plans, the other mum may have assumed OP will be there but she has never said she would be. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Many people do leave their kids at home alone at 16 years old so you’re not safe to assume that a parent will be there.

But OP has knowledge that the other parent doesn't - OP knows that the other parent does not know -
What is the big deal
About telling her - that's the point. It seems a bit petty. Expecting the other parent to ask - when she probably would if she had an idea of what was happening - OP knows this has not happened before - so the other parent would Not see it as reason abs is agreeing to her daughter going by the information she jas been given. why hold
Information from her because you don't want you daughter to be disappointed

Some parents just won’t let go. They are old enough to get married at 16. I don’t see any reason why you would be getting involved with the parents of their friends. They make their own plans at this age. If this woman asks you whether you will be there then that is different and you should tell her the truth.