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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
Coldwine75 · 31/05/2021 15:33

Definately tell her, if anything happened (sure it wont) I would be extremely upset if someone had not told me

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/05/2021 15:36

@Montalbanosono

Really don't get everyone's issues here The issue is not telling the other parent. Presumably your parents knew you were going on holiday with a friend or did you keep it a secret?
Do you really contact the parents of your 16 year old child’s friends to arrange sleepovers with them?
Montalbanosono · 31/05/2021 15:38

Yes. A 16 year old is my responsibility.

PaperbackRider · 31/05/2021 15:40

She's 16, she's an adult

16 is a child Hmm

PaperbackRider · 31/05/2021 15:44

I dont get it, can someone explain to me, assuming there are no additional needs, why 16 year olds can't take of them selves for 1 night? I have overprotective parents, but even I was allowed on my first abroad holiday with a friend at 16

Because they are 16 year old children. And your parents were not in the slightest overprotective, that is obvious.

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 15:47

I feel the other parent should be told because that is what the other parent would want to happen. Whether that is a reasonable reaction or expectation of the other parent is not really the issue.

Which perhaps would save the other 16 year old getting a load of grief and maybe not allowed to have time in someone else's house. Or the other parent coming around to demand her daughter returns home.

TeenMinusTests · 31/05/2021 15:50

BBC Article on The Strange Status of 16 year olds: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-21742512

Loopylobes · 31/05/2021 15:55

A 16 year old is legally a child for whom someone holds parental responsibility. It doesn't matter who on this thread would let their 16 stay with a friend overnight without a parent present. If a someone posted that their MIL had colluded in that way, MNers would be baying for her blood because she wasn't respecting the mother's parenting decisions.

What matters is that the friend's mother thinks the OP will be present. The OP shouldn't collude with deception that involves her.

Who knows why the friend's mother would prefer the OP to be present overnight? That's between her and her daughter and none of anyone else's business.

CricketsBats · 31/05/2021 15:56

The issue is that every child is different and each parent gets to choose how they parent. To decide you know better is really shitty behaviour.

blahblahblah321 · 31/05/2021 15:57

We left DS1 overnight last year for the first time, it was the beginning of sixth form and he was a month off turning 17. He invited 2 friends over for the night, both aged 16 but spring/summer born so younger than him. I told him I expected their parents to be aware they weren't in the house with adults, and I wouldn't lie if asked, but I wouldn't have contacted them myself.

We're doing the same again next month, this time for a long weekend, and again I expect his friends to tell their parents if they stay over

gingerbiscuits · 31/05/2021 15:58

@SpongebobNoPants

It’s absolutely fine for you to decide your 16 year old DD will be ok on her own for the night... it’s absolutely not ok to make that decision for another parent about their child.

Tell the other girl’s mum, she’ll probably be fine with it but you never know. I’d be pissed off if I assumed my child was in an adult supervised household and it turned out they weren’t.

Very much this! ⬆️
blahblahblah321 · 31/05/2021 16:00

I forgot to add though, if my DS admitted his friends mum wasn't happy, I probably would get in touch with her.

toocold54 · 31/05/2021 16:05

Really don't get everyone's issues here

The issue is that OP has never even left her own DD overnight but she’s allowing this friend to stay over simply so she can go shag her bf.
Why can’t she just go out for evening and come back and sleep in her own house?

Sometimesfraught82 · 31/05/2021 16:14

@blahblahblah321

We left DS1 overnight last year for the first time, it was the beginning of sixth form and he was a month off turning 17. He invited 2 friends over for the night, both aged 16 but spring/summer born so younger than him. I told him I expected their parents to be aware they weren't in the house with adults, and I wouldn't lie if asked, but I wouldn't have contacted them myself.

We're doing the same again next month, this time for a long weekend, and again I expect his friends to tell their parents if they stay over

Would you bit content even if you told told specifically NOT to because of parents worries?
Sometimesfraught82 · 31/05/2021 16:14

not contact

BananaBoatFeet · 31/05/2021 16:18

I wouldn't contact friend's mum to inform her that you won't be there, but I also wouldn't lie to her if she happens to speak to you about it

Don’t do this. It’s lying by omission.

blahblahblah321 · 31/05/2021 16:29

@Sometimesfraught82 , I posted again to say in that instance I would contact them

eatsleepread · 31/05/2021 17:08

I'd tell the friend's mum, for sure. You wouldn't be able to relax without doing so anyway!

Is there no other time that you can discuss the issues with your partner? Or just come home later that night?

eatsleepread · 31/05/2021 17:11

I'm Scottish too and wish people would stop bringing up the marriage thing. Yes, you technically CAN get married at 16 but that doesn't ever mean you ever should.
It's outdated, creepy and weird. 16 is a child, in my opinion.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 17:12

What about the 16 year old in this.

Why don't her thoughts and feelings matter?

She is 16, has an, obviously, overbearing mother, and must be fucking miserable. Imagine having to beg to your parent to you can have a sleepover in the first place at that age.

Apparently the awful situation the poor teen is in doesn't matter as long as the parent is happy.

LynetteScavo · 31/05/2021 17:17

Tell the other mum.

If I found out afterwards I'd be annoyed with you, and not trust you again, but if I knew before hand I'd definitely let DD stay, but it would be my calculated risk.

intor · 31/05/2021 17:22

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

What about the 16 year old in this.

Why don't her thoughts and feelings matter?

She is 16, has an, obviously, overbearing mother, and must be fucking miserable. Imagine having to beg to your parent to you can have a sleepover in the first place at that age.

Apparently the awful situation the poor teen is in doesn't matter as long as the parent is happy.

Have you thought of taking up writing? Fiction obviously. Since you've invented a whole backstory for this girl who we know nothing about.
Itreallyistimetochangethings · 31/05/2021 18:42

Yes as below . I also wondered how you had come to this conclusion from the OPs post?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/05/2021 18:44

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

What about the 16 year old in this.

Why don't her thoughts and feelings matter?

She is 16, has an, obviously, overbearing mother, and must be fucking miserable. Imagine having to beg to your parent to you can have a sleepover in the first place at that age.

Apparently the awful situation the poor teen is in doesn't matter as long as the parent is happy.

Very good point!
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 18:51

Have you thought of taking up writing? Fiction obviously. Since you've invented a whole backstory for this girl who we know nothing about.

She had to convince her mother to allow a sleepover in the first place. If she is honest with her mum she will be told no. I certainly don't think I'm far off the mark about her being overbearing. Do you think this is the only area of her life where her mother is very strict?