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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/05/2021 06:29

@OwlBeThere

At 16 I had my own place and a full time job. Aw well as being in school. 16 is not a child, it may not be quite an adult but you don’t suddenly wake up mature on your 18th birthday, my 16 year old is exponentially more sensible than I’ve ever been.
And that applies to all 16 year olds?
Lucifersladylove · 31/05/2021 09:18

@Nanny0gg no of course not. But I think many 16 year olds are more mature and capable than we give them credit for.

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2021 09:22

As far as I know there is no age stated by law in England. I know that the NSPCC advises under 16s shouldn’t be left overnight. So as long as they’re over 16, responsible, are comfortable with being left and have no additional needs, I think it’s fine.

You may think that but if something goes tits up and a claim is lodged (that is you are being sued as a consequence), you can bet there will be a kind drawn out legal fight over this aspect. Personally I’d be keen to avoid that even though slim chance of something going wrong that will result in legal action.

KaleSlayer · 31/05/2021 09:37

You may think that but if something goes tits up and a claim is lodged (that is you are being sued as a consequence), you can bet there will be a kind drawn out legal fight over this aspect. Personally I’d be keen to avoid that even though slim chance of something going wrong that will result in legal action.

You do you. I prefer to just get on with life and try not to worry about things that are very, very, very unlikely to happen.

comedycentral · 31/05/2021 09:51

So what? She's 16! She has the right to make her own choices.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 31/05/2021 10:05

Tell the parent. Yabu.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2021 10:11

I don't get why you wouldn't just go to your DPs on a different night leaving only your DD at home?

londonscalling · 31/05/2021 10:13

I think it's disgusting that you would go and leave your daughter and her friend without the mum knowing. What if something happened? You need to put your daughter first and tell you partner you need to see him on a different night.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 31/05/2021 10:24

Just see your boyfriend another night. Hmm

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 10:32

This thread is bonkers.

Of course you can leave 2 16 year olds alone overnight.

If the girl doesn't choose to tell her mum you won't be there that is up to her, she is old enough to make those decisions for herself.

All these people micromanaging their 16 year old are doing them a real disservice and they will not be able to cope with adult life at all.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2021 11:21

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

This thread is bonkers.

Of course you can leave 2 16 year olds alone overnight.

If the girl doesn't choose to tell her mum you won't be there that is up to her, she is old enough to make those decisions for herself.

All these people micromanaging their 16 year old are doing them a real disservice and they will not be able to cope with adult life at all.

I wouldn't micromanage my own 16 year old on an ordinary night but in my experience of being a 16 year old, more than one of them unsupervised together for the first time is sort of like a challenge to drink all the alcohol in the house and become paralytic. I'd consider it much more likely something bad would happen than on a night where it was just my DD at home.
CricketsBats · 31/05/2021 13:39

I'd be furious. It's something another parent would assume and if it's not true then you need to tell her. You're purposefully trying to deceive her. You may think it's fine, she may not. The other child might get there and be hugely uncomfortable with no adult being there overnight. At which point she may call her mother and then you're going to catch it in the neck.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 13:50

I wouldn't micromanage my own 16 year old on an ordinary night but in my experience of being a 16 year old, more than one of them unsupervised together for the first time is sort of like a challenge to drink all the alcohol in the house and become paralytic. I'd consider it much more likely something bad would happen than on a night where it was just my DD at home.

The girl is still 16, at what point do you think she will be allowed allowed make decisions for herself?

What age does this apply until anyway, 17, 18.. 21?

I genuinely cannot believe that parents don't leave 16 year olds alone and need to get involved in telling their friends parents stuff.

If you don't trust your kid not to get hammered on all the alcohol in the house then that's a different issue altogether.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/05/2021 13:52

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I wouldn't micromanage my own 16 year old on an ordinary night but in my experience of being a 16 year old, more than one of them unsupervised together for the first time is sort of like a challenge to drink all the alcohol in the house and become paralytic. I'd consider it much more likely something bad would happen than on a night where it was just my DD at home.

The girl is still 16, at what point do you think she will be allowed allowed make decisions for herself?

What age does this apply until anyway, 17, 18.. 21?

I genuinely cannot believe that parents don't leave 16 year olds alone and need to get involved in telling their friends parents stuff.

If you don't trust your kid not to get hammered on all the alcohol in the house then that's a different issue altogether.

Agreed
TeenMinusTests · 31/05/2021 13:55

The OP knows/believes that the other parent will be unhappy.
This is why she needs to say something.

Whether 16yos should be able to be left alone is irrelevant.
Whether 99.99% of 16 year olds would be fine is irrelevant.

The OP has reason to believe the other parent, of a minor, will be unhappy. Therefore she should check.

sirfredfredgeorge · 31/05/2021 14:09

The OP has reason to believe the other parent, of a minor, will be unhappy. Therefore she should check

It is not the responsibility of anyone to check on some ones happiness, and even if it was, why is the happiness of this random parent more important than the happiness of two sixteen year olds?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 14:19

The OP has reason to believe the other parent, of a minor, will be unhappy. Therefore she should check.

No she shouldn't, she should leave the person who is legally able to have a baby and get married to tell her mother herself. She is 16, not 6.

TeenMinusTests · 31/05/2021 14:35

In England you can't get married at 16 without permission of parents.
Hardly anyone thinks having a baby at 16 is a great idea.
You aren't allowed to drive, or buy alcohol or vote at 16 either.
You are mean to be in full time education / training.

England at least does not consider 16year olds to be full adults.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/05/2021 14:50

Many 16 year olds are having sex and being trusted to sort out their own contraception etc.
But god forbid they have an overnight without parental supervision.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 14:57

England at least does not consider 16year olds to be full adults.

You know not all of us live in England right?

You can shelter your kids all you like, but when they hit 18 and have learned absolutely nothing about the world they will get themselves into all kids of trouble because they have no life experience.

I am honestly baffled that people would contact the parent of a 16 year old about a sleepover.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2021 15:09

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I wouldn't micromanage my own 16 year old on an ordinary night but in my experience of being a 16 year old, more than one of them unsupervised together for the first time is sort of like a challenge to drink all the alcohol in the house and become paralytic. I'd consider it much more likely something bad would happen than on a night where it was just my DD at home.

The girl is still 16, at what point do you think she will be allowed allowed make decisions for herself?

What age does this apply until anyway, 17, 18.. 21?

I genuinely cannot believe that parents don't leave 16 year olds alone and need to get involved in telling their friends parents stuff.

If you don't trust your kid not to get hammered on all the alcohol in the house then that's a different issue altogether.

Well I'd have made decisions differently up until this point. I would have left her alone previously so that she was used to the freedom, I wouldn't test the waters for the first time with somebody else there, at 16. Tbh it sounds like it's the other girl that's more likely to get too excited but I would be cautious of taking on the risk of them doing something like this when you know the other parent is likely to react badly.
Morechocmorechoc · 31/05/2021 15:19

I dont get it, can someone explain to me, assuming there are no additional needs, why 16 year olds can't take of them selves for 1 night? I have overprotective parents, but even I was allowed on my first abroad holiday with a friend at 16.

Is the issue because they may have sex, or is it leaving them unattended because people think 16 year olds can't out themselves to bed?!!!!

Really don't get everyone's issues here

UmamiMammy · 31/05/2021 15:22

I have a 16 year old and I would be furious with you for leaving them alone without checking I was ok with it!

Montalbanosono · 31/05/2021 15:25

Really don't get everyone's issues here
The issue is not telling the other parent. Presumably your parents knew you were going on holiday with a friend or did you keep it a secret?

Montalbanosono · 31/05/2021 15:27

And the reason the OP doesn't want to say anything is because she thinks the other parent will not be happy with it!!!