To say I'll never bother again

[Rosebel]

Yesterday discussed with my older children and husband about going out today. They all seemed enthusiastic about it.
Except none of them bothered to get up until now. DD2 asked when we're going out but I said we weren't going now.
Weather is shit now and I'm pissed off with them. Yes I could have got them up earlier but they are teenagers and husband is supposed to be an adult. They all knew we were supposed to be going out.
My husband is bitchimg at me saying I should have woken him but FFS he knew the plan.
Got myself and baby ready but now just think why did I bother? So shall I just say fuck it, no more days out?

It sounds like the underlying issue is that your husband doesn't pull his weight with the childcare. Why don't you take turns to get up with the baby at weekends? (Or during the week as well if you both work?)

Loving the idea of all these teenagers who only need one knock on the door to get them leaping out of bed and getting ready to go

When ds1 was a teenager, it would've required multiple knocks, then a door flung open, curtains drawn, and possibly a bit of bellowing to get him out of bed. Very tiring, for the person who apparently is responsible for making them get up for a day out.

Ds2, on the other hand, would have set his alarm and probably would be up before me.

Sometimes, mums need to not be the one doing all the work.

Quite honestly, if I were your husband I wouldn't put up with it - and you'd be at home - I'd be taking children and baby out without you. I can't abide sulkers.

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Loving the idea of the husband who can't be arsed to get out of bed to help with the baby and who had a go at the OP for not waking him being motivated to take all the children including the baby out for the day by himself. I imagine the OP might expire from shock if that actually happened.

If you are still ' asleep' at 11.30 a.m., and an adult needs 8 hours sleep, then unless you've gone to bed at 3.00 a.m. then it seems ridiculous and pure laziness.

How much do I dislike and cringe at the superior "must be up" people even if they have nothing to

You are wasting time on social media writing that. Ridiculous and pure laziness.

Who are you to decide how many hours an adult needs? Sometimes you need to catch up on sleep, even adults can crash and sleep for 10 to 12 hours once in a while because they need or they want to.

It must be exhausting living with someone as judgemental as you.

IgglePiggleHater

This pattern occurred in our house growing up. What usually happened was that we had pushed our lovely, hardworking mum too far and she lost it over something insignificant.

We were a moany ungrateful bunch. Our mum was fantastic 99% of the time and then, every now and again, she'd have a big blow-out over something small, shout at us all and go to bed and ignore us for the rest of the day. We'd all feel awful too and wish she would go away and not make us feel bad. "Silly mum is having one of her moments again".

it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Looking back, I don't blame her. I'm actually quite ashamed of how we all took advantage of her. I'd say she ought to have given us a kick up the backside much earlier on, but that feels a bit like victim-blaming. Why do women have to be responsible for absolutely everything, including making sure other people behave decently to them?

My poor DM was similar, and I agree with every word of this. Whatever a mother does, it is never ever enough, and she should always be working even harder while everyone around her continues to slack off and criticise her, and of course their poor attitude is also her fault.

I have officially apologized to my DM for being an arse. My brothers still think she could have done better .

Was there a reason why you couldn't have gone anyway when everyone was up at 11?

@IgglePiggleHater

Quite honestly, if I were your husband I wouldn't put up with it - and you'd be at home - I'd be taking children and baby out without you. I can't abide sulkers.

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Loving the idea of the husband who can't be arsed to get out of bed to help with the baby and who had a go at the OP for not waking him being motivated to take all the children including the baby out for the day by himself. I imagine the OP might expire from shock if that actually happened.

Haha exactly!

Interesting mix of opinions. Although I think some have been a bit harsh saying I'm pathetic and a martyr.

Looking back, I don't blame her. I'm actually quite ashamed of how we all took advantage of her. I'd say she ought to have given us a kick up the backside much earlier on, but that feels a bit like victim-blaming. Why do women have to be responsible for absolutely everything, including making sure other people behave decently to them?

Exactly this. This is the reason that my life in some ways got easier after my ex moved out. At least I was only responsible for one adult, he had to actually do some sole parenting, and my DCs stopped taking the lead from someone who left me in charge of everything (but then moaned 'you just had to ask' if I ever got fed up).

But babies are the easiest as they would have simply slept on the 90 minute journey home. There is simply no reason why you couldn't have just woken them up, other than you like playing the martyr.

Which shows that nit every child is the same than yours....

My two when they were babies would have been a nightmare if we had done what you are proposing. Sure they would have fallen asleep in the car. But then they would have refused to fall back asleep once at home (both of them woke up as soon as the car stopped). And the night would have been horrendous - multiple wakings etc...
Personally if a mum says that coming back too late will be an issue for baby, I tend to, you know, ... trust the mother ... (instead of judging)

The same way that I trust parents saying their teenagers will never just need a quick ‘time to get up!’ to get going even though mines would be up in time all in their own.

@OverTheRubicon

Looking back, I don't blame her. I'm actually quite ashamed of how we all took advantage of her. I'd say she ought to have given us a kick up the backside much earlier on, but that feels a bit like victim-blaming. Why do women have to be responsible for absolutely everything, including making sure other people behave decently to them?

Exactly this. This is the reason that my life in some ways got easier after my ex moved out. At least I was only responsible for one adult, he had to actually do some sole parenting, and my DCs stopped taking the lead from someone who left me in charge of everything (but then moaned 'you just had to ask' if I ever got fed up).

YY to that.

It’s amazing how we are supposed to have some sort of parternship and equality but
It’s normal for women to do all the organisation
It’s also normal for the people involved to not lift a finger (husband or teens)
When people don’t take care of themselves (like getting up on time etc...) it’s STILL the woman’s fault for ‘putting up with it’ or ‘not reminding them’

And yet again if the other family member don’t treat the mother decently, it’s somehow her fault too. The OP is simultaneously a martyr AND not kind enough to wake them up. Never mind that those two statements aren’t compatible.

@CroneAVirus

OP, do you ever get to lie in until 11am?

I don’t. Not do my DH or my two teens dcs (yep even the teenagers in the house get up at a decent time. Go and figure).

But seing that the OP is the one to always get up in the morning with the bay, I doubt she ever has a lie in either. For different reasons... mainly the lack of involvement of the father with his own baby.

@KaleSlayer

And why should it be her responsibility to ensure people, including her DH, are awake on time?

I’ve already said, because if your awake, it’s easy to wake people up. And because I don’t see the point of setting individual alarms.
Things like this aren’t an issue in our house. It sounds ridiculous.

Obviously if it’s part of a bigger issue, that’s different and it needs sorting out.

It is not easy to wake my husband up. He's wedded to the bed once he's in it, it's an absolute pain in the arse. It's always "come poke me in 15 more minutes", then 15 more, then 15 more. I'm not a bloody snooze function.

I only ever wake him when it's my family or friends we're seeing, if it's his I don't bother and we're inevitably late (invariably by hours)

@Rosebel

Interesting mix of opinions. Although I think some have been a bit harsh saying I'm pathetic and a martyr.

I would have been mightily pissed off too OP. Those who are saying you're a martyr have not lived with irritating shit like this

I think with teens you need to take the 'all plans are soft until I see them actually up' route. Teens also normally prefer doing things in the afternoon/night time. It's not their fault OP decided to have a baby when they were teenagers. I can imagine your mother having your baby brother/sister when you're a teenager would really cramp your style and cause some inconvenience, and they've probably had to make sacrifices that other teens wouldn't have had to.

@4amWitchingHour. It's always "come poke me in 15 more minutes", then 15 more, then 15 more. I'm not a bloody snooze function.

I feel your anger! My DH has form for this sometimes. Being used as a human snooze function gives me the rage . I ended up taking our DC to the panto a couple of years ago by myself because he did this and he sheepishly joined us at the interval.

[quote IgglePiggleHater]**@4amWitchingHour. It's always "come poke me in 15 more minutes", then 15 more, then 15 more. I'm not a bloody snooze function.

I feel your anger! My DH has form for this sometimes. Being used as a human snooze function gives me the rage . I ended up taking our DC to the panto a couple of years ago by myself because he did this and he sheepishly joined us at the interval.[/quote]
We had similar for years. DH was more than happy to get up in the morning, help with getting kids out the door etc but we had slipped into this ting where it was MY responsibility to get him out of bed. Including multiple repeats of, "come on, it's time to get up and do x y z".

At some point I lost it and started slamming around the house yelling about how I didn't really understand why I was living in a house with one adult and three children and, in his defence, he totally got it and has adapted accordingly. But it was one of those things that I honestly think would have killed any and all love for him dead if it had gone on long term. It's just so unattractive living with someone who can't be an adult.

I didn't say it was their fault I had a baby. I try really hard not to let it impact them and I don't expect them to help with the baby or anything.
Like I said this day out was what they wanted and time was what they chose so that's when I booked it.

Interesting mix of opinions. Although I think some have been a bit harsh saying I'm pathetic and a martyr.

I said ‘it’s pathetic’, not ‘you’re pathetic’. As in the situation.

So, OP :

You were told what time everyone had to leave the house.
You organised it, with those timings in mind.
You got yourself up, yourself and the baby organised and ready to go.

But then you were also supposed to wake all members of the household, despite them being the ones who dictated the terms.

What else were you supposed to do for their lord and ladyships? Put toothpaste on their brushes? Lay out their clothes? Provide breakfast in bed?

All so they could go out at the time they had dictated?

Yeah, no.

@Shodan. You forgot to mention that she should wipe their arses .

A woman's work is never done, after all .

@IgglePiggleHater My bad.

Perhaps the OP shouldn't knock on the door either. Maybe going into their rooms and gently murmuring "Wake up darlings, it's time for our fun day out!" would be more appropriate.

This is the bit I don’t understand:

Well I didn't force the time on anyone. The kids decided the time, it was their decision.
Frankly I couldn't care less if we don't go out.

If it was them, not you, who wanted to go, why did you care what time you went? Why does it matter if you went at 10, 11 or 12?

DD2 asked when we're going out but I said we weren't going now.

Why? If you ‘couldn’t care less’, as you say, why put the kibosh on it due to the time? You could have decided you weren’t going because it was too late and left them to it. But because you weren’t all going at the time you wanted to go, you unilaterally decided no one was going.

It seems an awful lot like you were putting your foot down to make a point.

"you unilaterally decided no one was going."

Well there was nothing to stop the Dad taking them out was there-instead of bitching to Op!

Fucking hell. OP can’t do right for doing wrong here.

Her family told her they wanted to do an activity on a certain day at a certain time, so like a good willing servant she went ahead and organised and booked it for them. Then, when the day arrives, she gets up with the baby, gets herself and the baby ready while her husband stays in bed. And then she realises that all the effort she put into organising the day for her husband and children was for nothing because they weren’t even bothered enough to be up on time.

But of course it’s OP’s fault for not making sure they got up.

And then it’s also the OP’s fault for being upset that the booking was wasted.

And it’s also OP’s fault for not wanting to go later, despite not having a booking for a later time, and also despite the fact that she has a baby in a routine and if you fuck yo that routine it means a whole broken night of waking and crying, which no doubt OP will deal with alone because her husband’s the kind of arse that sleeps in until 11.

And it’s the OP’s fault for not wanting to go on her own even though no doubt the activity booked was something that teenagers would want to do and a baby wouldn’t give a shit about.

And it’s also the OP’s fault for caring that the day has been wasted, because giving a shit means she’s controlling.

Yet the husband and teenagers who enthusiastically encouraged OP to make the booking for the time she did, and who then proceeded to stay in bed until almost lunchtime are somehow the poor hard done by ones!!

Honestly, it’s like an alternative universe on here sometimes, where feminism never happened.

Fuck all of that noise.