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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'll never bother again

288 replies

Rosebel · 30/05/2021 11:16

Yesterday discussed with my older children and husband about going out today. They all seemed enthusiastic about it.
Except none of them bothered to get up until now. DD2 asked when we're going out but I said we weren't going now.
Weather is shit now and I'm pissed off with them. Yes I could have got them up earlier but they are teenagers and husband is supposed to be an adult. They all knew we were supposed to be going out.
My husband is bitchimg at me saying I should have woken him but FFS he knew the plan.
Got myself and baby ready but now just think why did I bother? So shall I just say fuck it, no more days out?

OP posts:
Bodynegative · 02/06/2021 20:11

Why is it only mothers that appear to be expected to organise themselves, small kids, plus everyone else? I'm not surprised the OP was pissed off, I'd have thrown a mega strop tbh.

AnnieSnap · 02/06/2021 20:11

@misspattylacosta

If you are still ' asleep' at 11.30 a.m., and an adult needs 8 hours sleep, then unless you've gone to bed at 3.00 a.m. then it seems ridiculous and pure laziness.

How much do I dislike and cringe at the superior "must be up" people even if they have nothing to Hmm

You are wasting time on social media writing that. Ridiculous and pure laziness.

Who are you to decide how many hours an adult needs? Sometimes you need to catch up on sleep, even adults can crash and sleep for 10 to 12 hours once in a while because they need or they want to.

It must be exhausting living with someone as judgemental as you.

I agree. I need 9 hours to sleep to feel refreshed and I’m a nightowl. Fortunately, so is my DH and our kids are grown-up and we are retired. We usually get up at 11am. If we are going out for the day, we’ll make an effort for 10am (though we may press snooze)!
Beline4u · 02/06/2021 20:13

@Rosebel this is not your fault. I think people just come on here to make you feel like crap!! Don't be fooled by their ignorance! They're clearly lacking understanding.

Original poster
Rosebel · 02/06/2021 20:20

I'm leaving this thread now. I don't have an issue with people disagreeing with me or thinking I was unreasonable but some comments have been quite nasty.
Thanks for those who understood that it's annoying to organise a day out for something they wanted to do and all l asked was that they get up at the time they decided.
I said before I was really pissed off at my husband but the kids contributed by not being up either.
It's passed now so no point worrying about it.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 02/06/2021 20:23

I think you have been gracious under fire, OP.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 02/06/2021 20:29

I don't see how OP was martyring herself/sulking/raging. Sounds like the others didn't bother so she gave up trying, then her husband got his back up when she mentioned it. 🤷‍♀️
If you are still reading OP, I'd only say YABU if you'd decided what was happening and told them when to get up, but they previously agreed (and I assume they could have declined if they didn't want to go), so YANBU to expect them to be able to at least be ready on time.

Cloglover · 02/06/2021 20:34

Fwiw, I don't think you were unreasonable to be pissed off. But it sound like you are most pissed off about being the default adult. I think the teenagers behaviour is just very typical and they are still only really learning about consequences of actions. Your husband tho sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the bum and share being the grown up. Hopefully he's one of the good guys and will want to take responsibility. All the best. X

Lovely13 · 02/06/2021 20:37

I always had to wake everyone up for trips, hols etc. Annoying, but without me doing it, nothing would ever have happened. Now they are all grown and someone else’s problem! 😊

Bangolads · 02/06/2021 20:48

Oh come on, I get it- you’re horribly disappointed. But banning days out is a terrible way to conduct human relationships- sit them down and talk to them. For the kids you’re teaching them about resolution and with your husband your showing him how you want to be treated.

Feeasco · 02/06/2021 21:16

You are not being unreasonable. Teenagers may find mornings difficult but they have to take responsibility and function in real world times. I would have given the teens one wake up call. Hubby should sort himself out, he is an adult. I don't see why mothers should have to take charge of everyone on top of the baby. If you gave them a prod and a departure time, I would have left without them and had a wonderful day. That is not passive aggressive. It is teaching responsibility and meeting your needs!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/06/2021 23:51

@boredbuttercup

*Okay. Obviously I was wrong to expect that two teenagers and someone of almost 40 could get out of bed on their own and it's my fault the day didn't go ahead. Guess I'll know better if I decide to do something nice for them again.*

Oh come on, now you're just being dramatic and obtuse Hmm

It's not wrong to expect adults and teenagers to be able to get themselves up. If they were going out without you and you were still asleep of course they'd have to get themselves up and not rely on you. But equally you were already up, it was no great extra bother to you, and instead of just knocking on their door and saying 'come in its X o'clock, we need to get going' you seethed downstairs, cancelled the day for everyone and then sulked.

My boyfriend is far more of a morning person than me. When we're staying at the same place and we make morning plans he generally wakes me up because he's up anyway and its nicer to be woken with a cuddle than by an alarm. Now of course i'm capable of getting myself up (and i actually do set an alarm just incase), but 99% of the time he's up anyway and its just easier for him to come in and say 'it's x o'clock, you need to get up if we're going to make it to Y. If for whatever reason my alarm didn't go off and when I did wake up I came down to him in a sulk about how he was up on time id be saying 'well why didn't you wake me' and if he didn't have any answer other than 'the principle' or 'to prove a point' i'd be telling him to jog on and that he's just being strange and controlling.

It's just common sense and something nice you do for people you care about, if they're not up when you know they need/want to be you go and let them know the time. Heck i'd even say if they had something that was nothing to do with you and you were up anyway and they had overslept for some reason that the nice thing to do is just go gently remind them of the time. But then sometimes MN has a very strange attitude where no one does anything small and nice for the people they apparently love because 'the point' is that adults should be totally self sufficient and 'the point' is far more important than any practicalities.

Yep - it’s the groaning ‘But I shouldn’t have to wake them up!’ mentality I find odd. You shouldn’t have to lock your door when you go out either, because people shouldn’t walk in and steal your stuff, but we all do it.
scubadive · 03/06/2021 08:46

You posted this at 11.16, I’m lucky to get my teenagers out before 1pm.

I’m always the one battling to get everyone out, if it wasn’t for me we’d never go out, yes it’s shit but at the end of the day it’s who wants to go out the most, even though every has a good time when we are out.

I definitely wouldn’t say your not going at 11.16pm it’s churlish.

ButtercupSquash · 03/06/2021 09:28

It’s light before five am! It’s not reasonable to have to be dragged out of bed for a 10am start, especially when it’s something you would enjoy and said you wanted to do.
Some people have strange perspectives!
Oh well enough said.

Tatum1234 · 03/06/2021 09:34

I’m just baffled that you wouldn’t knock on the teens doors and remind them to get up! My 16 year old sorts himself for school every day no problem but last night asked me to wake him this morning so he can go the gym, I just knocked on his door as I went past?! I’d have reminded my husband as I got up too, you’ve cut off your nose to spite your face really.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 03/06/2021 09:43

When everyone is saying 'but it would have been so easy just to wake them up' I really think this actually just perpetuates the idea that women have to just organise everything, carry the mental load, remember everything because it's the only way things actually get done. It's exactly like that 'mental load' cartoon, "you should've asked": www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 03/06/2021 09:44

OP - I know you've said you've left the thread but on the off chance you're still reading, I completely empathise. The only thing I would have done differently is gone and taken the baby for a lovely day out myself. X

beingsunny · 03/06/2021 09:48

I'd call a friend and go out with them for the day.

Sounds like you're a person that likes to get up and go and do things on your weekends, I'm the same.

My DP waits for me to organise everything and lately I've stopped bothering. So he does nothing when his daughter comes over.

I'd just make my own plans and invite them along.

boredbuttercup · 03/06/2021 09:57

[quote LadyOfLittleLeisure]When everyone is saying 'but it would have been so easy just to wake them up' I really think this actually just perpetuates the idea that women have to just organise everything, carry the mental load, remember everything because it's the only way things actually get done. It's exactly like that 'mental load' cartoon, "you should've asked": www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic[/quote]
It's not about the woman having to organise everything. It's about WHOEVER is up anyway, going and knocking if they know someone else needs to be up, because it's just the kind and common sense thing to do.

As I said, If the OP hadn't been up for whatever reason then of course it's on teens/adults to get themselves up, but OP was up anyway, it's no extra bother to go knock on someone else's door. It's like if your already going to the supermarket and someone asks you to get them some apples it's no extra bother (not extra mental load Hmm) but of course if you're not going in the first place then they'll have to go get their own apples.

And I said I expect my boyfriend to wake me up because he's the natural early riser and will be up anyway. So it's not because it's 'woman's work', it's just common sense to go get/remind someone rather than sulk about it and the day be ruined for everyone.

MissChanandlerBong90 · 03/06/2021 10:07

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

I totally agree. And I do wonder what the response would be if OP had posted on here saying ‘my DH planned a nice day out and asked me to be up and ready to go by 10am. I have an alarm clock but I slept in instead and now he’s annoyed with me, AIBU to have expected him to wake me?’

I suspect she’d ‘get her arse handed to her’ as the MN cliche goes. Because you can’t keep a man waiting.

MissChanandlerBong90 · 03/06/2021 10:16

sometimes MN has a very strange attitude where no one does anything small and nice for the people they apparently love because 'the point' is that adults should be totally self sufficient and 'the point' is far more important than any practicalities

Well, a small and nice thing to do is planning, booking and preparing a family day out.

Another small and nice thing to do is to set your alarm and get up and ready for the time agreed when someone else has planned, booked and prepared a day out.

I can see why it could get tiring if you are the only one doing the small and nice things for the people you love.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 03/06/2021 10:31

@boredbuttercup but making sure everyone is up and ready is an example of mental load. It's just another tiny thing to keep on top of for everyone else.

"Whoever happens to be up" sorting the baby out and everything else is nearly always the woman. That's why that mental load comic resonates so strongly with so many women.

@MissChanandlerBong90 EXACTLY!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/06/2021 11:31

[quote Beline4u]@Rosebel this is not your fault. I think people just come on here to make you feel like crap!! Don't be fooled by their ignorance! They're clearly lacking understanding.[/quote]
I think the only way in which people were ‘ignorant’ was that the OP took nine pages to reveal that this was a pre-booked, pre-paid activity. She claims that it should have been obvious, but given how many responses said ‘Just go later’, it clearly wasn’t. The OP would probably have had very different answers if she’d been clear from the start, and wouldn’t have to have left the thread, making a point of announcing her departure (they never just go, do they?)

Sydendad · 03/06/2021 12:24

I have to be honest it pissed me of no end too. But I decided to just be clear about it the day before. Clearly state your intentions , state the time you want everyone up. Then on the day I just wake them up and tell them to get a move on. It works and it's better than getting frustrated. Taking the helm basically.

SkiingIsHeaven · 03/06/2021 13:22

Love the fact that you say you will never bother again and then arrange to do it tomorrow. You are just like me.

Horehound · 03/06/2021 13:32

I don't understand why you'd book and pay for something then not even try to wake the kids up when you realised they may not be waking up. Seems like cutting nose off...
You spent how much time now moaning about it on here when you could have woken them up and had a nice day out...