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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say I'll never bother again

288 replies

Rosebel · 30/05/2021 11:16

Yesterday discussed with my older children and husband about going out today. They all seemed enthusiastic about it.
Except none of them bothered to get up until now. DD2 asked when we're going out but I said we weren't going now.
Weather is shit now and I'm pissed off with them. Yes I could have got them up earlier but they are teenagers and husband is supposed to be an adult. They all knew we were supposed to be going out.
My husband is bitchimg at me saying I should have woken him but FFS he knew the plan.
Got myself and baby ready but now just think why did I bother? So shall I just say fuck it, no more days out?

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 08:36

Our mum was fantastic 99% of the time and then, every now and again, she'd have a big blow-out over something small, shout at us all and go to bed and ignore us for the rest of the day.

Well you shouldn’t have treated your mum like that obviously. But your mum shouldn’t have let it all build up either. If something pisses me off, I tend to say it at the time, it’s sorted quickly without a big fall out.

dottiedodah · 01/06/2021 08:40

Well I would have banged on the door and made sure they were awake! If they want to go out then they will be up and if not they may turn over.Go out anyway I say!

IrishCharm · 01/06/2021 08:43

You all agreed to be in the car by 10 - do you live in a stately manor where as you were getting yourself and baby ready you had no idea the rest went up?
Couldn’t you have just shouted up to them?
It does come across as a bit cut your nose off to spite your face - I get that your annoyed and it’s happened before but they’re teenagers / man child 😳 (pains in the derrière at best of times) Hopefully you’ve calmed down a bit and you ended up enjoying the rest of the day x

DestinyIsAll · 01/06/2021 08:43

To be fair, if the whole family has agreed plans, in this situation, i.e, relating to DH and older dc, it’s not fair for it to be down to the one person who’s got up and is already busy with a baby, and no doubt is instrumental in organising everything week in week out, to go around waking the rest of the household. I would wake someone who I though had accidentally overslept, but if it’s a case of they all can’t be bothered then just no. A poster upthread said ‘try to be supportive’, really? Jesus wept.

In that scenario I would just go myself and do something else for the morning, and maybe do something together later, but not let it spoil my day.

As an aside, is it really ‘normal’ for teens to lay in bed until the afternoon at weekends?

I’m on teen number five now, she lays in sometimes, awake and on her phone, but she’s usually up by 10, 10.30am latest, because she’s hungry. If we make plans and she’s involved in that, at 14 she’s willing and capable of getting herself up.

My other four were always up at weekends, for rugby, meeting friends, gym, or if no specific plans, just to read or game whatever. Sometimes a bit of a lay in if they’ve had a late night but not really excessive. This is also my experience of their friends and gfs/bfs. DS’s gf has been staying here since she was 17 and she’s always up. The older ones, early 20s, have all lived at home the last year and if no plans at the weekends they’re still up between 8-10am ish. That’s my personal experience of ‘normal’.

I’ve definitely been guilty of the odd ‘don’t waste the day’ comment, but still pretty flexible about it. DH is an early riser and always getting on with something around the house or garden so I think it’s just rubbed off a bit.

IgglePiggleHater · 01/06/2021 08:45

But your mum shouldn’t have let it all build up either.

Mothers get exhausted. They carry so much of the family load because society expects them to. They put so much effort into making things special for their kids because quite often their partners wouldn't bother. Yes, of course we should all manage our stress to avoid losing it, but so many balls are put on women's shoulders to juggle and then we wonder why they drop a few?

It's a bit like loading up a donkey with heavy baskets and making it walk miles and miles, and then wondering why it looks a bit miserable and stubborn.

ButtercupSquash · 01/06/2021 09:03

Sunrise is probably before 5am. The idea that it’s not normal to be conscious at 8 or 9 or 10 is a bit weird.
the OP was right not to save the day with a wake up call and needs to be consistent about this. They need to learn. It’s not passive/aggressive: it’s discipline.

Whyhello · 01/06/2021 09:06

You were playing the martyr here. If you wanted to go out early, you should have woken them all up. No real effort needed, just waltz upstairs blasting some crappy music or invest in a klaxon.

Bubble77bee · 01/06/2021 09:07

OP I completely understand how you feel and no, YANBU.
When it feels like you’re doing everything, from suggesting what to do, organising and getting stuff ready, why should you have to wake everyone up too?
I hope your family take notice and that you manage to get out today instead.

MsTSwift · 01/06/2021 09:11

If we plan a day make sure the teens have bought into it then WhatsApp them the exact timing and what we doing. Helps as dh always super keen

DreamingNow · 01/06/2021 09:13

@KaleSlayer

Still not sure why her family's inability to organise themselves is the OP's problem...could someone clarify this?

It just didn’t need to be an issue. OP was awake, it would have taken seconds to wake the others up. I’m usually awake before everyone else so I give them a shout if they need to be up.

And why should it be her responsibility to ensure people, including her DH, are awake on time?

I mean these are people who WANTED and CHOOSE to go to said outing. They also DECIDED the time they would leave.
But somehow, after the OP has organised everything, it is STILL her responsibility to ensure that the other family members are ready to do the outing they wanted to do ConfusedConfused

The DH has a piss poor attitude to say the least (let alone the fact the op is the one who is always getting up with the baby)
But the level, of expectation of teenagers is a it mind boggling. Yes they are teenagers, they can also get up to be ready to leave at 10.00am. Ths Eton things are not incompatible (but might start with going to bed at a decent time. Again their choice if they want to be knackered or struggle to get up in the am tbh)

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/06/2021 09:14

Um.... can’t remember the last time we set off anywhere before 11.00 am.

We like our beds too much on holidayGrin

Leaving to go somewhere at 11:30 today and 1.00 pm tomorrow.

DreamingNow · 01/06/2021 09:14

@MsTSwift

If we plan a day make sure the teens have bought into it then WhatsApp them the exact timing and what we doing. Helps as dh always super keen
The OP has ensured the teens were up for it. THEY chose the time for leaving the house!

And WhatsApping? What are you using WhatsApp for? Sending them minutes of what you have agreed together Confused

KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 09:22

And why should it be her responsibility to ensure people, including her DH, are awake on time?

I’ve already said, because if your awake, it’s easy to wake people up. And because I don’t see the point of setting individual alarms.
Things like this aren’t an issue in our house. It sounds ridiculous.

Obviously if it’s part of a bigger issue, that’s different and it needs sorting out.

Gothichouse40 · 01/06/2021 09:25

Next time, tell them the plans and make it clear what time you will be leaving to get to x. If they are not up/ not bothering, get baby ready and go out yourselves. A few times doing this, they will get the message. If this happened repeatedly to myself, I'd be mightily pd off. It's ridiculous that a grown man and two teens,expect you to be their alarm clock while you are trying to get yourself and the baby ready. Life is hard enough at the moment and if you need a day out, go. If they don't like it, then they can set their alarms and get up out of their beds.

Gingernaut · 01/06/2021 09:29

Fuck 'em.

Go out by yourself and leave them to it.

They'll survive and you get a day off without them.

Switch your phone off too.

MsTSwift · 01/06/2021 09:33

Dreaming - yep pretty much! Our 12 year old is dreamy so forgets the plans made minutes after agreeing them. Weirdly aggressive response from you ?! Works for us anyway.

OneAlabamaReturn · 01/06/2021 09:38

This is a new one on me.

I have never been in a situation where we have agreed to go out for certain time and my OH & DD just haven't got up.

Maybe it's because I find it strange that an adult ( not a teenager) would still be in bed past 10.00 am anyway, even if you didn't have anything planned, and you hadn't been out until all hours the night before. If you are still ' asleep' at 11.30 a.m., and an adult needs 8 hours sleep, then unless you've gone to bed at 3.00 a.m. then it seems ridiculous and pure laziness.

Walkaround · 01/06/2021 09:43

If you are always the person who reminds everyone they are supposed to be getting up and that they have agreed to be ready to go out by X o’clock, you can’t expect the status quo to change without warning. The failure of everyone to get up in time was probably fairly predictable (and maybe to a certain extent deliberate if the OP had been building up lots of little resentments, because it’s a good way of bringing things to a head to suddenly not do what is an aggravating, unspoken expectation). Will be interesting to see if the refusal to organise everyone as expected results in behaviour change, and how long that lasts!

NamechangeApril21 · 01/06/2021 10:13

This would annoy me too OP. YANBU.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 10:14

I totally get you. Sometimes my teens act like im supposed to bribe or reward them for coming on actual nice treat days that benefit them

MintyMabel · 01/06/2021 10:23

Quite honestly, if I were your husband I wouldn't put up with it - and you'd be at home - I'd be taking children and baby out without you. I can't abide sulkers.

OP is just expected to smile sweetly and not be annoyed that other people in the home completely ignore her wishes, are too lazy to get their own arses out of bed to be ready as they agreed to be, for a day out they said they wanted to have? Doesn’t she have a right to be angry at her family for letting her down (again, as it seems to be?) It isn’t sulking to have feelings of resentment when your family treats you like crap.

SeasonFinale · 01/06/2021 10:29

@Rosebel

Well they said they wanted to go, perhaps they didn't. Anyway I admit I overreacted but we managed to have a nice day. It was a 90 minute journey and none of them were actually ready to go so we wouldn't have left until at least 12, probably later. I didn't want to leave late because then we would have got home late. Not an issue for my teens but would be for my baby.
But babies are the easiest as they would have simply slept on the 90 minute journey home. There is simply no reason why you couldn't have just woken them up, other than you like playing the martyr.
LindaEllen · 01/06/2021 10:32

I know how you feel. I'd planned a BBQ for Saturday which was a big deal for me as it would be the first one I'd ever cooked, and the first we'd done in our garden (as it was a complete wreck and we've just had it landscaped).

On Saturday one of DP's mates text asking him for drinks - he went (and I agreed completely) because he'd been through a really tough time and they hadn't seen each other for ages.

So we swapped it for Monday, we all agreed. I went to see my parents in the afternoon, got home, DSS had gone to the cinema for a film that started at 4.30. So obviously he wouldn't be back. DP and me did it but we were annoyed at DSS so it was just a bit grumpy.

I felt like saying I'm not bothering doing anything nice anymore.

But realistically I will.

Hyppogriff · 01/06/2021 10:35

Cutting off your nose to spite your face. Appreciate your frustration but your bitterness isn’t going to make you feel any better ultimately. You’re sulking like a teenager

CroneAVirus · 01/06/2021 10:38

OP, do you ever get to lie in until 11am?