Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

[Aeropostale2021]

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

I appreciate why you’re uncomfortable. I think that a weekly meet-up with a particular friend is unusual and I say that as a gregarious person. I’m also wary about the new opposite-sex “hobby friends” whenever I see these threads.

However, your update makes their messages sound quite innocent. Sounds quite functional - “see you at Costa usual time on Friday” type of thing. You don’t mention that they’re flirting or anything. Have I misunderstood ?

I have several very close male friends who I regularly meet 1-on-1 and my DP has close female friends - some old, some new - and does the same. It’s never occurred to me to refer to them as “she friends” 🤣🤣 and it doesn’t bother me at all. I think it’s nice that he has a range of friends.

I was a bit perplexed about the frequency of your DP’s meetings with this friend- (if it really is every week?) But given your update that he is retired and has lots of time on his hands, it makes more sense to me and doesn’t seem so odd. I’d love to see my friends more frequently if I weren’t so darned busy with work/ childcare.

I’m another one who thinks the “sister” comment is a bit off though..

But probably that was just his clumsy way of trying to reassure you..

Why don't you ask to join them or get him to invite her to yours. See how that goes down.

For goodness sake OP, just let the man live! My DP has far more female friends than male friends, a combination of uni friends, school friends, and colleagues (some who he's met since he met me!) he's marrying me because he WANTS TO be with me, not because he's just waiting for an opportunity to bump genitals with someone else. Can't hack all this "cool wife" nonsense, it's called...having trust in your partner

@Aeropostale2021 you haven't answered posters' requests as to whether this is normal behaviour for your husband - either meeting friends on -on-one or having female friends in general.

As PP have mentioned some men (my DP included) have mostly male friends and for him to develop a close friendship wuth a woman is very unusual.
Some however have loads of female friends ... for them it would be completely normal

#TheLastLotus

Not a normal behaviour like these meetings when the hobbie is not even happening.
Yes once in a while over the phone conversations with friends from university or women I know.
There is certain tone of secrecy I notice tbh and not many comments about her.

Okay so they're so close she's like a sister to him..... And they meet once a week for coffee.... but their texts are literally just time/place related? No jokes? Reference to conversations? Nothing else? Isn't that a bit strange in itself?

I don't know what to make of it bit something is off

She-friend? I prefer the phrase ‘Femi-pal’.

I'm a bit of a hypocrite because my best friend is a man BUT, I have known of at least 2 affairs that started like this.
Both through an innocent mutual hobby, which turned emotional, then sexual, and ended in divorce.
The trouble is, once everyone accepts this innocent "sibling" relationship, anything is permissable:
Weekly coffee - yes fine.
Why not dinner? - of course! It's just eating, for god's sake.
Oh, we drank some wine, so I stayed over, just like I would at a male friend's house.
It's just a weekend away, where we can indulge our mutual hobby. What is your problem?!
One of my friends felt she had to allow some of tbese things to "prove" she accepted it was all perfectly innocent & platonic.
There are born cheaters who will always find a way. And there are silly crushes that are given the opportunity to get out of hand. A weekly meet up sounds like something for a bloke to look forward to, especially if he doesn't have many female friends normally.

#fearfulfran
It looks like earlier messages were deleted. All I had were those recent ones.
I understand they want to catch up after all the lockdown months and keep in touch until the whole hobby thing resumes but do you really need to?

Deleting messages isn't a good sign OP.

The first alarm bell is the 'she's like a sister' line. That's rubbish isn't it? She isn't like a sister to him.

Deleting his messages? Yeah, I would be concerned.

Of course men and women can be friends but if my husband started going out for a coffee with a new (happens to be very attractive) female friend weekly I would be concerned. It would be out of character for him- it isn't something he would do with a male friend to be fair. Does your husband socialise regularly with other friends?

If he does not take you out for 1-1 time but then meets this lady I would be annoyed too. However if he takes you out a lot I would bother less. My first DH cheated on me and it has left its mark. I never used to be jealous at all but now even though second DH has never given me any cause for concern I would be disappointed if he wanted to meet a female colleague or friend every week for coffee.

@Aeropostale2021

#fearfulfran It looks like earlier messages were deleted. All I had were those recent ones. I understand they want to catch up after all the lockdown months and keep in touch until the whole hobby thing resumes but do you really need to?

Does he usually delete messages?

Why would they bother to risk putting anything risky in their messages - it's not like they're not meeting up regularly is it!
They're spending quality time together every single week - that's too much OP.
Why hasn't his "sister" been introduced to you or his other "siblings"?? Is their hobby a secret? This is just weird.
She's overstepping the mark - as I said earlier, if I were her, I'd want transparency - I'd want to know his wife, his friends - it's a 1:1 meet up, regularly - it's too much.

Trust your gut

Op I would hold off mentioning this until you know more. It's far too soon. You need to monitor the phone for a good few weeks.Because he's not going to tell you anything.He did not tell you they were becoming close or was in regular contact,he told you after the fact so he's already clearly got comfortable lying by omission.

If you keep quiet you can occasionally access his phone and see how often they are in contact. You're very fortunate you can check and in your shoes I wouldn't want to lose that access. And you will if he knows you're onto him.

I would not be at all reassured by the cafe arrangement. You don't know that they didn't go somewhere else afterwards.All you know is they planned to meet there. With such an intense close bond I would imagine they would want to be alone having sibling type chats,not surrounded by clanging pots and yells of pie and chips at table 5.

I would ask to come along to one of the cafe visits or to meet her in some other capacity (e.g invite her round for coffee in the garden) with the idea of becoming friends. Then gauge their friendship in person.

Keep an eye on the phone. Trust your gut.

There is a tone of complicity and mutual understanding so their bond is clear...There is a certain tone of secrecy...

OP, I too would feel uncomfortable about their over-frequent and intimate level of contact.

This is an escalation. Your H has been secretly channeling much emotional energy, time and attention into this woman, and has in turn created distance between the two of you. He kept you in the dark about this strong bond and is still withholding the truth. Dismissing your concern by calling her ‘sister’ enables him to hide in plain sight.

His deleting is suspect. You’ve already expressed your concern so they may be careful in their messaging, but keep checking. The red flag in the recent chat is the tone of familiarity, complicity and secrecy, which indicates a deep connection and line crossing. I agree with Jamie that the coffee shop is possibly their habitual starting point/cover.

Keep posting for support, OP.

Thank god, the last few comments are of sound advice. Trust your gut. Many people have friends of the opposite sex, my DH included. But in our situation, the sister/friend predates me by about 10 years (and we’ve been married for almost 20 years). I’ve meet the sister/friend, I’ve partied with her, I’ve consoled her, I know her inside out, our daughter is her godchild, my DH is her will executor, etc etc.
But if my husband suddenly, develops weekly coffee dates with some random hobby woman, self-naming her “sister”, then eyebrows will be raised. I might even pop in at the coffee shop without telling him. If it’s all kosher, you’d see it.
I’m not a cool wife, I’m a decent human being that hates to be taken advantage of.

Hire a private investigator now that you know where they meet. It's way crossed a line. You need to know the extent of their relationship now because it reads like it's heading swiftly towards a full-blown affair.

A private investigator? If I found out my partner had so little trust in me they even considered a private investigator then it would be the end of the relationship!

I think your instincts are correct. But the problem is he is a 49yo retiree. Of course he is looking for a project. He rich and free and fancies a new challenge - and she is it.