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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 02/06/2021 17:45

@Aeropostale2021

Here we go again. First meeting last week, second meeting coming on Thursday. I can sense that he is waiting for this to happen again, as if this brightens his day up.
I don't like this update... I remember the spring in the step of my ex very well.

Does he have other friends? How often does he meet them? And is he similarly "bright" days ahead of the meeting?

Fairyliz · 02/06/2021 19:31

@Coldilox

I genuinely don’t get this. Am gay. Wife and I both have female friends we meet with for coffee/drinks/dinner. Gay and straight. It wouldn’t occur to either of us to be bothered by it.

Either you trust your husband or you don’t. But controlling who he can be friends with is weird.

@Coldilox But do you meet up with another woman on a weekly basis, delete messages from her and not tell your wife all about her?
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 02/06/2021 19:53

Of course men and women can be friends. I have several male friends. I don’t however meet-up with them for coffee every week. I don’t even have female friends I meet up with regularly.

OP the friendship is a red herring. If you feel something is off then you need to listen to that. Deleting messages and “spring in his step” set off alarm bells. It’s too easy for very close friendship to turn into an emotional affair.

Ellpellwood · 02/06/2021 20:04

I do wish the default on these threads wasn't to call the OP awful and controlling. Most of the time the unwritten question is actually "Is this a bad sign?" or "is this situation a red flag to anyone else?". Not "Should I ban DH from leaving the house to meet anyone that doesn't have a penis?"

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 03/06/2021 01:07

I read ans read a lot about it and still don't get it... What exactly is an emotional affair? How do you distinguish between the platonic friendship and an EA?
If there is nothing phisical between the two that means an EA is less damaging?
Sooo confusing :(

OP posts:
JamieFrasersAuntie · 03/06/2021 02:21

Emotional affairs are simply affairs that have not yet turned physical.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/06/2021 02:47

Those pp's saying you have male friends - If you're not meeting them weekly then your situation isn't the same as the OP's so why compare? & If you are seeing your male friend weekly(!) then unless you're his therapist or something you're over-invested in him.

MoonfireSunfire · 03/06/2021 03:15

It's a hard one. I spend 1 hour x 6 days a week at my local coffee shop. Every Tuesday, an old school friend of mine drops by for a short chat before she goes for her yoga class next door. On Wednesdays, a very close friend of mine (who has no other business in this area) stops by for a coffee and a chat. I don't think it's unusual to meet a platonic friend weekly — someone mentioned that it'd be more 'normal' for weekly group meetups but I hate being in a group as you'd have to 'tailor' your topics to something that won't bore/agitate 90% of the group.

What, IMO, distinguishes an EA from a close friendship is this: Who do they see when they think of their future? When they see a new holiday destination or funny picture or quirky new brew, who do they primarily want to share it with? Are they in their own little world closed off from everyone else?

If someone started distancing themselves from their partner after being close to someone else e.g. being 'cagey' to their partner about what they were doing, showing disinterest in their partner, being annoyed whenever their partner wanted to spend time with them, I'd have serious concerns about the friendship veering into EA territory.

MoonfireSunfire · 03/06/2021 03:32

@DeeCeeCherry

Those pp's saying you have male friends - If you're not meeting them weekly then your situation isn't the same as the OP's so why compare? & If you are seeing your male friend weekly(!) then unless you're his therapist or something you're over-invested in him.
What's wrong with meeting a friend once a week? Once a week isn't that often in my books. There's always this idea than unless you're a teenager or in Uni, you shouldn't want to spend much time with your friends. In the same vein, there are so many people complaining that it's hard to make friends as an adult. I see my partner every single day. Is it really that unacceptable to spend 2 hours a week (2 friends x 1 hour each) chatting with other adults? Confused
DeeCeeCherry · 03/06/2021 03:44

MoonfireSunfire

I have male and female friends. I don't meet them once a week. They and I have family, work, other life commitments as most people do. I catch up with friends on phone, we meet when we can. Even my best friends - we may see each other monthly but with phone catch ups in between. Sometimes we're on the phone for ages, other times we socialise in between so I might see them twice in 1 month but not always.

If you actively meet a friend every single week - What's to talk about so regularly/often when it's a mere 7 days since you last saw each other and you likely phone each other too?

Meeting an opposite sex friend weekly especially if always to the exclusion of yours and their partner and even other friends, is a weekly date. & un-admitted over-investment, never mind excuses.

MoonfireSunfire · 03/06/2021 03:59

@DeeCeeCherry

MoonfireSunfire

I have male and female friends. I don't meet them once a week. They and I have family, work, other life commitments as most people do. I catch up with friends on phone, we meet when we can. Even my best friends - we may see each other monthly but with phone catch ups in between. Sometimes we're on the phone for ages, other times we socialise in between so I might see them twice in 1 month but not always.

If you actively meet a friend every single week - What's to talk about so regularly/often when it's a mere 7 days since you last saw each other and you likely phone each other too?

Meeting an opposite sex friend weekly especially if always to the exclusion of yours and their partner and even other friends, is a weekly date. & un-admitted over-investment, never mind excuses.

I actually don't know anyone who speaks on the phone with their friends — everyone I know texts (late 20s here with friends between 27 and 35 mainly). I talk with my DP daily too, god knows how we haven't run out of topics. Maybe we are all just chatterboxes? Do you think that men and women cannot be close friends? What about bisexual people? Are they over-invested if they meet any of their friends weekly?
iamanicicle · 03/06/2021 04:08

Hm, I'm on the fence. My own DH has many female friends and I've never worried about him cheating. Partly because we both know I'd smell it right away, partly because he wouldn't have the time at the moment and there are a few other reasons why I feel secure in this.

Several aspects stand out for me as red flags:

  1. The cagey answers and deleted messages - DH always shares how friend so-and-so is doing after their catch up, I'm always welcome to gate crash, I've never had any vibes from any of his women friends and a few have become good family friends over the years. I'm confident that if I'm ever made to feel uncomfortable, that's a red flag for him too. He's learnt that people can be two-faced and steers clear.
  1. The regularity of the catch up with the "sister" - I have a close male friend who is my brother figure, but we'd drive each other nuts with that degree of regularity. Ditto with my actual blood-relative sister. In fact, it is that similarity in our relationships that makes me refer to him as my brother - we squabble like cat and dog sometimes but we have each other's back in reality, and I wouldn't dream about deleting my messages to him. My family is reasonably normal and we don't ardently reschedule the next meeting with each other.
  1. He's young and has lots of time on his hands. What else does he do with that time? What do you do? What do you have in common and how do you protect the activities that you enjoy together to make sure they still happen regularly? ... I am not expecting an answer/don't feel obliged to reply but you should be honest with the answers to yourself.
MsDogLady · 03/06/2021 04:19

Elements of an emotional affair include sexual attraction, deep emotional intimacy, and secrecy.

DazzlingHaze · 03/06/2021 05:37

I think context is everything here. Generally, I think it's fine for men and women to be platonic friends and I think it's entirely possible for it to be totally innocent.

However, with my own partner it would probably raise my suspicions because he has never had any close female friends so I would wonder what it was about this woman that had drawn him to her. He has one female friend who has been part of his otherwise all male friendship group since they were in school but he never spends one on one time with her and didn't even before we met. In fact, it's very rare that he spends one on one time with any of his friends, he usually socialises as part of a group. I'd also find the frequency of the meet ups odd as he doesn't have time to see any other friend regularly on a one to one basis. Between work, spending time with me and his family and having a bit of time to himself he just about manages to meet up with his group of friends once every week - two weeks. So it would be out of character for him and that is what would make me suspicious.

Only you know your DH, so I would have a good think about it and try and get to the root of what it is that is upsetting you. It might be just an unfounded insecurity on your part or it may be something similar to my example above. Once you've got to the root of the issue you can let that guide you.

I also think a lot of PP's have been unnecessarily harsh. If only we could all be so perfect and above silly things like normal human emotions! As long as you don't let your feelings make you controlling or abusive it's fine. I also don't see why some people have scoffed at the idea of you inviting yourself along? It's very normal to get to know a partners friends. Especially someone they're so close to that they meet up every week! My partner has met my best friends and vice versa. Not saying you should be crashing every meet up but a one off to meet her seems fine and could put your mind at ease. I don't see the harm in you saying "I could do with getting out for a coffee, do you mind if I join you this afternoon?" If there's nothing untoward going on I don't see why there would be an issue. If he doesn't want to spring it on his friend last minute he could arrange it with her so you two can meet.

NannyAndJohn · 03/06/2021 05:57

I'd be suspicious of any partnered man who met up with another woman outside of work as a single one off, let alone once a week.

Any chance you could pop into the coffee shop during one of their dates (because that's what they are, dates) under the guise of getting a quick takeaway drink?

UnusuallyCommon · 03/06/2021 06:34

I don't understand why people always insist it's the same as having a friend of the same sex, 'would you be bothered if she were a man OP?'

Obviously OP wouldn't be bothered if she were a man. Unless the husband is gay, the potential for an affair isn't there with a bloke so why would OP be worried?

In a perfect world everyone can be friends with anyone and no one's spouse gets jealous or concerned and everyone gets on happily with their friendships. Except that's not where we live... Affairs happen ALL the time, precisely in situations like this one, it's not unusual or controlling and so on for this situation to set off a few alarm bells.

If you've read the relationships board here long enough you'd see this time and time again.

UnusuallyCommon · 03/06/2021 06:37

And it's all well and good saying 'I trust my husband', that's great but bloody hell, how many threads about cheating husband's start with 'I never thought he'd do this'.

I trust my husband, as much as I can do and in the sense that he has never given me reason not to... So far. But if something set off alarm bells in my head I wouldn't rely on the fact he'd never done anything before.

MaMaD1990 · 03/06/2021 07:18

I've not read all the responses on here but have you thought about inviting this woman (and maybe her husband) over for dinner? I'd want to get to know her myself to be honest and if your husband is such good friends with her, he should think its a wonderful idea...

WobblyMelon · 03/06/2021 07:21

@UnusuallyCommon totally agree

malificent7 · 03/06/2021 07:25

Of course it's an issue that shes attractive and smart. I'd hate it too op.

partyatthepalace · 03/06/2021 07:40

Invite her to dinner w her partner is what I would do. Get to know her a bit.

There doesn’t seem to be any evidence it’s an EA. I can understand you don’t like it, but is your concern due to a lack in your own marriage more than his relationship with her? If so I would focus on that.

You can’t insist your partner doesn’t meet a friend because she’s female. Or if you did it’s going to damage your own relationship.

partyatthepalace · 03/06/2021 07:42

@NannyAndJohn

I'd be suspicious of any partnered man who met up with another woman outside of work as a single one off, let alone once a week.

Any chance you could pop into the coffee shop during one of their dates (because that's what they are, dates) under the guise of getting a quick takeaway drink?

Meeting a friend for coffee isn’t a date.
PigGondola · 03/06/2021 08:02

I agree, @partyatthepalace. But I’ve seen (with incredulity) as an accepted commonplace from a number of posters on other similar threads that they considered going to the cinema as ‘date territory’. Hmm

Zerrin13 · 03/06/2021 08:29

Are you at work OP when these meetings take place? You said he is retired. Do you think he could be getting bored?
Personally this malarkey would be as welcome piles for me. If my husband decided to start meeting other woman because he enjoyed it I wouldn't be happy. Most married people would find this unacceptable. Stop tip toeing around him and tell him this has to stop. Its got nothing to do with being controlling. Its all to do with being his wife.

juice92 · 03/06/2021 09:19

I personally don't see the issue, my Husband and I both have (straight and gay) friends of the opposite sex. Nothing wrong with that, some of my Husband's female friends are what you would call attractive and they are all smart, but that is hardly their fault and I wouldn't for a second have a problem with it. Same with my male friends.

I would not be with someone who had an issue with me having male friends, I would be make be uncomfortable and I would find the behaviour quite controlling.