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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 31/05/2021 07:08

I agree @Sirzy but I think after reading the messages, seeing deleted ones, recognising the intimacy between them, which way is it heading?

SummerWhisper · 31/05/2021 07:10

@Sirzy but if you were having an exclusive relationship with someone else and your partner hired a PI to check it out, how would you feel?

Sirzy · 31/05/2021 07:32

Like I said if my partner ever hired a PI then it would be end of relationship because I couldn’t be with someone who had so little trust in me.

Ellpellwood · 31/05/2021 07:55

You've not said if she is single?

Member438861 · 31/05/2021 07:58

You are being taken advantage of. It is not OK to make you feel uncomfortable.

SummerWhisper · 31/05/2021 08:02

@Sirzy but if you were having an exclusive relationship with someone else how would you feel if your partner hired a PI to check it out? Would you recognise that you had brought this lack of trust about?

The point about threads like this is that some people only ever comment using their own context, not the OP's. This all about the exclusive relationship he is building up outside of his marriage. I think the OP is justified in having it checked out. She has already looked at his phone. She has sought the opinion of strangers. The trust has gone. But this is on him, not the OP.

Whyhello · 31/05/2021 08:15

It does seem fairly popular to be ok with this but no, I wouldn’t be ok with this and my DH wouldn’t if I did it either.

Bizawit · 31/05/2021 08:34

@JamieFrasersAuntie You need to monitor the phone for a good few weeks.Because he's not going to tell you anything.He did not tell you they were becoming close or was in regular contact,he told you after the fact so he's already clearly got comfortable lying by omission.
If you keep quiet you can occasionally access his phone and see how often they are in contact.

OMG this thread has taking a bizarre and troubling tone. It’s NOT ok to monitor his phone. That is a violation of privacy/ trust and controlling behaviour.

Do not go down this route OP, unless you want to very much become the problem in this marriage.

If you are so lacking in trust/ insecure, then you need to have another conversation with your husband , where you explain how much this is upsetting you, whether or not it’s irrational, and come up with a plan to address it- maybe meeting her is the first point of action, if they really have become such good friends.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2021 09:19

@MsDogLady

There is a tone of complicity and mutual understanding so their bond is clear...There is a certain tone of secrecy...

OP, I too would feel uncomfortable about their over-frequent and intimate level of contact.

This is an escalation. Your H has been secretly channeling much emotional energy, time and attention into this woman, and has in turn created distance between the two of you. He kept you in the dark about this strong bond and is still withholding the truth. Dismissing your concern by calling her ‘sister’ enables him to hide in plain sight.

His deleting is suspect. You’ve already expressed your concern so they may be careful in their messaging, but keep checking. The red flag in the recent chat is the tone of familiarity, complicity and secrecy, which indicates a deep connection and line crossing. I agree with Jamie that the coffee shop is possibly their habitual starting point/cover.

Keep posting for support, OP.

^THIS

You haven’t said if you get this one on one time with him away from the home/responsibilities. If not, she is clearly taking that time away from your relationship and is not going to get any better. Trust your instincts.

TigerMum8 · 31/05/2021 10:44

@MsDogLady agreed, a few posters are castigating OP for a lack of trust when she has done nothing wrong. It is the OP’s husband who is eroding trust by making her feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 31/05/2021 10:48

#PersonaNonGarter

"I think your instincts are correct. But the problem is he is a 49yo retiree. Of course he is looking for a project. He rich and free and fancies a new challenge - and she is it."

Agreed. I'm pleased to say he is not the cheater type therefore this whole new hobby friendship is concerning. My gut feelings are telling me nothing has happened between them...yet. My worst nightmare is how this is slowly growing without all the parts involved become fully aware and then one day
Is too late.

OP posts:
FrankButchersDickieBow · 31/05/2021 10:59

Re her being attractive, someone I worked with was having a torrid affair with a woman who was overweight and at least ten years older than him. Attractiveness doesn’t come into it

What a horrible, ignorant, rude thing to say. Talk about fat shaming!

welliesarefuntowear · 31/05/2021 17:13

This thread is starting to become a bit of a mess. There are three certainties here

Affairs happen
Men and women can be friends
You are uncomfortable

Focus on the last thing because you can't do anything about the first two. Only you know why you feel uncomfortable about this. If an affair is going to start I speak from experience there isn't a damn thing you can do. That is also a fact.

There is every opportunity for you to talk to him. Tell him you feel uncomfortable. Try and resolve it between yourselves. This is a lonely road but if you have this conversation you may know whether he has checked out emotionally from your marriage or whether there is something to be saved or whether you are just worrying about nothing. Tell him your fears. He has to be honest with you. This is your marriage.

Good luck Keep posting. I hope you get somewhere.

MuppetsRus · 31/05/2021 18:52

Trust your gut instinct...I'd be concerned about weekly meetings for coffee.

gingganggooleywotsit · 31/05/2021 19:59

So what are you going to do op?

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 31/05/2021 22:41

OK, I don't know what to think tbh!
We talked a bit in the car. Their responses are completely nonchalant. Yes, apparently she is the best in the hobby / sport that they do. She's married. And he said that they will not get weekly coffees literally but to keep in touch. I felt like whether their hobby continues or not he is leaving the door open with her.
I'll keep my eye on him but as many of you stated, I cannot police his friendships and if an affair is going to happen I don't think I'll be able to stop it.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2021 22:46

He is open about meeting her.

They have a shared interest.

He is allowed his own friends.

I think you have a bit of a trust problem. Have you spoken to him about how it is making you feel?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2021 22:47

Christ, sorry just saw your update.

I cannot police his friendships

Why the bloody hell would you? You sound really paranoid.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 31/05/2021 22:50

Paranoid not really... Insecure Yes

OP posts:
welliesarefuntowear · 31/05/2021 23:29

I don't think you sound paranoid at all. I think you've had a spectacularly hard time on this thread These sorts of concerns are valid and you should be able to discuss them without being made to feel terrible. Lots and lots of women and men end up utterly blind sided by affairs. Any marriage or long term relationship can run into trouble. You have to be able to discuss this. And your partner should be honest with you.

welliesarefuntowear · 31/05/2021 23:30

I'm not saying this is inevitably an affair by the way. I'm sorry if my last post read like that. Only you know your husband and the situation.

Ellpellwood · 01/06/2021 00:33

Lots and lots of women and men end up utterly blind sided by affairs.

Absolutely. Of course you can't stop an affair, but I'm sure most partners would rather be in the position of working out when one is happening and having some control of the situation. Why do you think the advice on here, so often, is to get everything sorted in advance of a confrontation - like copies of paperwork, legal advice - in case of a split?

Of course you also get the "Just ask him" brigade which is always really fruitful...

Wallywobbles · 01/06/2021 05:25

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it and DH is a good'un and I don't think he'd like it either.

welliesarefuntowear · 01/06/2021 06:09

@Ellpellwood having lived through an affair which destroyed my relationship of decades with the father of my three children I am in a unique position to understand that. I know only too well about "just a friend". I don't know the op or her husband but I do know about the script and what to expect now. It doesn't change a damn thing. You can't control someone's ability to be utterly deceitful if that's what they choose to do. Sad

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 01/06/2021 08:10

Here we go again. First meeting last week, second meeting coming on Thursday.
I can sense that he is waiting for this to happen again, as if this brightens his day up.

OP posts: