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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
DreamingNow · 01/06/2021 08:51

So basically he is happy carrying on doing something he knows makes you uncomfortable?
Something that he had sort of being hiding from you? I’d say probably because he knew you wouldn’t like it.

Just on those grounds (regardless of what the ‘something’ is) would make me uneasy tbh.

Swannest · 01/06/2021 09:17

Hello,
I was the non-jealous 'cool with it' wife.
My DH had a work colleague who was such a good friend that they had regular coffee, trips to the cinema when both working away, drinks after work sometimes. She was such a good friend - and also nice to and about me and my children. Such a good friend and so important to him at work.
They ended up having an affair because "we both realised we had fallen in love".
My rule now would be no friendships like this with member of opposite sex unless I am completely out of the picture. It's soul destroying for the wife.
Ask your DH if he values these coffee sessions more than you.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/06/2021 09:17

@Aeropostale2021

Here we go again. First meeting last week, second meeting coming on Thursday. I can sense that he is waiting for this to happen again, as if this brightens his day up.
And that brightening up tells you what you need to know. He's emotionally invested. Quite probably to your detriment.
ChristmasAlone · 01/06/2021 09:26

You sound insecure, he's made a friend and is meeting them. If this was reversed there'd be all kinds of faux rage and LTB posts. Men and women can have platonic friendships without ripping each others clothes off. I tend to prefer the company of men, and have more male friends than women - if DP got jealous about my friendships new or otherwise he wouldn't be DP any longer.

WobblyMelon · 01/06/2021 09:42

@ChristmasAlone

You sound insecure, he's made a friend and is meeting them. If this was reversed there'd be all kinds of faux rage and LTB posts. Men and women can have platonic friendships without ripping each others clothes off. I tend to prefer the company of men, and have more male friends than women - if DP got jealous about my friendships new or otherwise he wouldn't be DP any longer.
But weekly meet ups? Op is he having regular date time with you ? Taking you for coffees ? Does he see other mates weekly?
GabriellaMontez · 01/06/2021 09:52

@ChristmasAlone

You sound insecure, he's made a friend and is meeting them. If this was reversed there'd be all kinds of faux rage and LTB posts. Men and women can have platonic friendships without ripping each others clothes off. I tend to prefer the company of men, and have more male friends than women - if DP got jealous about my friendships new or otherwise he wouldn't be DP any longer.
If my husband had started a weekly coffee date I'd feel insecure.
U2HasTheEdge · 01/06/2021 10:15

If my husband had started a weekly coffee date I'd feel insecure.

Yeah, I think many people would. I think only a very small minority would be totally comfortable with it. But it's a thing on Mumsnet it seems, it is very rare people admit to feelings of insecurity.

Of course there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, I have them too. I would expect my husband to be a bit concerned if I started meeting a new male friend every week though, especially if he just happens to be really attractive and I claim that we are so close he is like a brother to me.

MinorCharacter · 01/06/2021 10:28

@U2HasTheEdge

If my husband had started a weekly coffee date I'd feel insecure.

Yeah, I think many people would. I think only a very small minority would be totally comfortable with it. But it's a thing on Mumsnet it seems, it is very rare people admit to feelings of insecurity.

Of course there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, I have them too. I would expect my husband to be a bit concerned if I started meeting a new male friend every week though, especially if he just happens to be really attractive and I claim that we are so close he is like a brother to me.

I’m never sure I grasp the distinction which is often made on here between it being ok to have opposite-sex friends that predate your relationship and it’s being less ok to make new opposite-sex friends when you’re already in a relationship or married.

All friendships start off new at some point, and to me there’s something quite arbitrary about deciding that the start of a committed relationship or marriage as the cut-off point for no new opposite-sex friends, ever. I’ve been with my now-DH since the mid-90s, and I’d be lacking three good, longterm friendships if I’d not even considered male colleagues, neighbours, school parents etc as potential friends.

U2HasTheEdge · 01/06/2021 10:36

I don't think it is an issue at all to make new opposite sex friends when married. I have done it, most people do.

I would be concerned in this situation though- it's the combination of new friend, meeting weekly (which in my husband's case would be out of character) and claiming she is like a sister to him.

It may be completely innocent of course, but I think most people would have some concerns.

Mollymalone123 · 01/06/2021 10:45

Tell him you’d like to come along- his reply will tell you all you need to know.I’m sorry but from how it appears he is interested in being more than a friend

Allaboutthatbass · 01/06/2021 11:04

I meet male friends for lunch or a coffee or a walk and think nothing of it. I probably wouldn't get drunk of an evening one on one with a male friend +/- stay over (though perhaps would if going out in a group) because it might be mis perceived by them or my husband, and I think it is generally just easier to stay away from that territory, as I don't feel I am missing out.
My husband has actually cheated on me, we are working through it, and I would still think nothing of him meeting a female friend for a coffee, though he would probably carefully consider my feelings before arranging something, and keep me very much in the loop if planning to meet a woman socially, as he knows my trust is a bit fragile at the moment. But if I felt I had to track his whereabouts I couldn't still be with him.
I think the issue here is weekly - I don't get time for a weekly date with my husband and this seems pretty excessive to me. I try and catch up with friends every month or two, and some even much less frequently than that - I still adore and feel close to some male and female friends that I may only see annually or less.

Taikoo · 01/06/2021 11:18

I wouldn't be happy about this. At all.
Does he ever bring you for coffee on a weekly basis?

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 01/06/2021 11:27

Does he ever bring you for coffee on a weekly basis?

Nope...although anything I need he is always there to help and is very attentive and caring with our family in general.

OP posts:
Taikoo · 01/06/2021 13:05

Ok, yeah now I really wouldn't be happy.
Have you ever asked if you can join them?

Like a PP said above somewhere, it's never coffee with Lumpy Bob or OAP Brenda, is it? Grin
Always has to be a hot woman. Hmm

JamieFrasersAuntie · 01/06/2021 13:38

I'll keep my eye on him but as many of you stated, I cannot police his friendships and if an affair is going to happen I don't think I'll be able to stop it

Many years ago during my exh affair I spent many hours on infidelity forums. Lots of spouses had that sinking feeling that something was going to happen and felt powerless to stop it. Many of those spouses actually pretended to be ok with these friendships and many actually facilitated it by keeping quiet.

It's a common thing and I don't know why. Probably because of the fear of being labelled controlling or insecure. People hurtling towards an affair are not honest, and neither are their spouses.

There is something you can do though op. You can tell him it's inappropriate to have developed this close relationship and ask him why he's kept it a secret. You can tell him nurturing this friendship behind your back was inappropriate and disrespectful.

You can tell him in no uncertain terms that he is harming your marriage and that you will not stay in a marriage where he's having dates and daily contact.He can then choose whether to continue or not, and of course you can also choose what to do.

If this does develop into an affair he's going to whine that it just happened. The fact is he's made countless small decisions to get himself here. Every message he sent her was a choice. Keeping quiet about it was a choice.I would be very clear how I felt about him sneakily messaging her every day. You have the right to be really angry about this, he is way over the line.

What is stopping you from saying what you really want to say?

There is a saying on those forums which is in order to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

Swannest · 01/06/2021 13:57

When i told my therapist my husband had taken his "friend" to the cinema but it was OK because they were just friends, the therapist said "many people would call that a date".

Peach01 · 01/06/2021 14:00

OP your relationship with your husband is more important than this new relationship with a woman he is just getting to know. I don't think he should be doing anything that makes you feel insecure, worried, jealous. You've both made a commitment to each other and your opinion and feelings need to be respected. He's continuing to do something that's making you uncomfortable.

MsDogLady · 02/06/2021 05:15

I can sense that he is waiting for this to happen again, as if this brightens his day up.

This OW is in his head, and he is energized by their connection. He has put her on a pedestal and is attracted to/flattered by her ego boosts. His boundaries are weak and you’ve seen complicity in the few messages he hasn’t deleted. I’d say they are in EA territory.

He previously met your valid concerns with denial and minimization, and yesterday he gave ‘nonchalant’ responses. The truth is, his investment/attachment to OW is anything but nonchalant. He is downplaying to throw you off the scent and make you back off. He’s way ahead of you, and his intent is to continue pursuing OW under the pretense of ‘sister.’

His priority is protecting their relationship instead of protecting his fidelity to you.

OP, you have agency here and should be proactive. I would absolutely follow @JamieFrasersAuntie’s suggestions. Your H has been selfishly developing this close connection for a long while and you had no idea. He devalued and marginalized you with his deception, and he owes you an explanation.

You deserve his utmost respect, but he is not providing that. I agree that you should set a firm boundary about what you will not tolerate in your marriage. He has unilaterally reset the parameters of your relationship, and you don’t have to accept that. He needs to understand that he has much to lose.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/06/2021 07:50

It is disrespectful IMO

Mulberry974 · 02/06/2021 07:58

There's nothing wrong with men and women being friends. And if he met her for coffee every so often then that's fine. However I'm someone who was cheated on by a husband who went from seeing his friend every few weeks to seeing her every single week at least. I would be careful that this isn't just hiding something.

Blueberry40 · 02/06/2021 08:03

Could you both invite her round for drinks or something? Is there any reason their friendship had to be separate from you? If they get on that well it would be nice to be introduced so that you can all socialise together. If he doesn’t want you both to meet, that’s when I would start to feel uncomfortable.

VenusTiger · 02/06/2021 16:11

I still don't understand why their friendship and meetings are so exclusive OP - any other friend surely would be invited over for BBQ with their partner/family, or the odd time that you're invited, or even other friends - that's the thing I keep coming back to: it's just the two of them meeting, alone, regularly. Like I said up thread, it's basically a date.
I wonder if her husband knows about these meetings and if he doesn't, why not - if this is all so 'innocent' and 'friendly', why is everyone else in their lives being held back?

Cactusesi · 02/06/2021 16:42

The more women seek to control men, the more men will control women.

Coldilox · 02/06/2021 17:02

I genuinely don’t get this. Am gay. Wife and I both have female friends we meet with for coffee/drinks/dinner. Gay and straight. It wouldn’t occur to either of us to be bothered by it.

Either you trust your husband or you don’t. But controlling who he can be friends with is weird.

Naimee87 · 02/06/2021 17:31

Perhaps it got answered but is she single this friend of his? Is there a possibilty to meet her together with your husband for coffee? I think it would definitely leave me feeling a little unsure but i'm rather a worrier when it comes to these types of situations.
On the flip side I went on holiday with a friends husband and his daughter because my friend ended up having to work. Absolutely NO feelings for one another at all and the kids had a great time together... was even his wife's suggestion as they had booked the holiday but she unexpectedly couldnt get out of a shift change at work. We both had only children so gave them a playmate on holiday and of course completely separate rooms each with our kids.