Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

He has shown that he is honest & straightforward, which is important, and is a good thing, obviously.

How you react to his honesty depends on what you’re looking for. If it’s just a bit of fun, then as long as everyone is safe, crack on. If you’re looking for something more, possibly leading to commitment, then he’s probably not the right guy.

How old are you both OP?

Going on a lads night out the evening before seeing you and shagging someone else doesn’t indicate that he’s that into you and seems really juvenile.

Nice that he is putting the onus on you to decide whether to carry on or not. Maybe he doesn’t want to see you but doesn’t want to make the call. If I’m wrong and he does want to carry on seeing you why do what he did so either way it’s wrong. He sounds like a tit. I’d steer well clear.

Nope, I would be put off too. Though you knew that you weren't exactly exclusive, him blatantly telling you about shagging other people is just disrespectful.

CagneyNYPD's text of "Thank you for your honesty, I really do appreciate it. I think I will be giving today a miss. Enjoy the rest of the weekend". Is good. Don't get drawn into explaining yourself or listening to his excuses, nobody is going to come out of that well, just send the text and throw him back into the sea.

I wouldn't in principle be put off by the fact he'd slept with somebody else - you haven't slept together yet and there's no commitment.

However. I would be put off by the fact he told you. That seems quite weird and unnecessary at this stage - what are his motives? It's as if he's testing for your reaction. So, I wouldn't bother seeing him again as assume he's a game player.

@Aprilx

No I wouldn’t go. I am in my fifties and find it odd to be seeing more than one person at a time never mind sleeping with them, this wasn’t how it used to be done. The strangest thing though is that he told you, his motives for that have me curious and a bit suspicious.

Ditto. Maybe its how things are done now but for me you're either with someone or not. None of this non exclusive business

Chat to more than one person fine but once you start meeting for dates that changes things.

the only thing is at least he's been honest and given you the chance to make an informed decision. I found out my ex slept with someone else 4 weeks after I started seeing him and I was oblivious for more than 2 years

Nope from me, firstly if he just sleeps with random people on a night out, I would worry about his sexual health. But what I really don’t understand is why he told you? As pp have pointed out, he hasn’t technically done anything wrong at this point so why tell? Seems like he is trying to play some sort of game, but I have no idea what it is.

He is testing the water to see what he can get away with. Unfortunately the only thing you can do now is politely decline

Avoid! He's disgust

@CagneyNYPD

I would send a message like "Thank you for your honesty, I really do appreciate it. I think I will be giving today a miss. Enjoy the rest of the weekend". And then leave it there. No drama.

Perfect response

It’s quite rude of him to tell you.

It’s a no from me. He’s telling you here who he is. It’s him showing you he has little respect for your connection. Nice guys who are into you don’t a) do this and b) tell you. It’s manipulative.

Yep Cagney said it

Play it back to him op. See how he reacts. Say oh I’m glad you told me. Me too, I slept with someone I met. But we aren’t exclusive so feel it’s ok.

Guarantee he bins you off.

No I wouldn't meet him. I don't think he can like you that much if he's had sex with someone else. If it was going well, he'd be only thinking of you and doing everything right for it to work out. Have some self respect and don't see him again.

I haven’t dated in 15 years but “in my day” (I’m only 35, I sound ancient!), there was no such thing as “exclusively dating” so I might be outdated, but it would be a bye bye from me.

Yuck.

Telling you is gross.

I wouldn't see him after that

Unless you said you were having an exclusive relationship then I think his honesty is great. Especially if you wouldn't have found out otherwise. You have to set rules right at the start so that everyone knows where they are!

@Blossomtoes

It would be “Thanks for telling me. Goodbye.” from me. I have absolutely no time for manipulative game playing like this.

Yep. Sounds like he hopes you'll shag him now in a 'pick me dance' kind of way.

Ugh.

@Bluntness100

I guess he’s testing how desperate you are and how much shit you’ll take. Plus maybe if you know other women will shag him maybe you’ll step up and do the same. Get you a bit jealous.

Personally it would be a no from me.

These are my thoughts exactly!!!

I agree with the message up thread somewhere basically saying thanks for the honesty but I think I'll give tonight a miss!

@CagneyNYPD

I would send a message like "Thank you for your honesty, I really do appreciate it. I think I will be giving today a miss. Enjoy the rest of the weekend". And then leave it there. No drama.

I would definitely not meet him and would send something like this.

I think that it's odd that he told you, what kind of reaction is he expecting? If you're casually dating he's done nothing wrong as such, but telling you is putting you in an uncomfortable position. Did he want you to be hurt? Think that he's a player or attractive to other women? ressure you into the next step with him? Or is he an oversharer???

Clearly lots of posters on this thread believe in 'ignorance is bliss' I'm in the honesty is best camp. Always. It would be so much worse if you got more committed and found out 6 months in.

I'm in my 50s too and when I did OLD in my 40s I stupidly slept with people a couple of times before having the ''are we exclusive''. these were men pushing 50. I didn't think i needed to. But men have taken to the ''we're not exclusive'' defense like ducks to water.

I am just so turned off dating now.

How do you feel about it OP? I think it really depends on how you were envisaging the relationship, what's been said etc.

There are times in my life I would have seen this as absolutely fair enough as I had no intentions of taking our relationship further and seeing it as drifting more in to good friends, and times when I would have been really hurt and ended things because I had envisaged a romantic, sexual relationship developing.