Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

I'd love to know who made up these new dating rules. Did a committee decide

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah. Grim. If someone can't even focus solely on you in the exciting "getting to know you" stage then they are clearly not that into you and have little moral fibre and very undesirable personal values. The idea you think this would be ok just because you'd lied about it and kept it quiet speaks volumes. What happens then if a relationship develops with the person you are supposedly dating? Do you tell them you've been having sex with other people while seeing them, like this guy did, or lie to them potentially forever? Anybody who can't see this is messed up is living in a moral vacuum.

Ouch. I don't really think this level of moral judgment is necessary, that was the point I was making. Perhaps it's different that this was not OLD and I was approached by these people, I didn't seek them out, so there was no level on which it was established that I or the men I went out with were specifically trying to establish a relationship. What happened was more "hey you seem nice, fancy going for a drink with me?" So they were casual occasions, not an agreement that we were "dating". Personally I'd made a judgment by three dates, but I was simply disagreeing with the notion that you are agreeing to only see them as soon as you agree to a date. You may just be two people with a budding connection at this point, rather than a fledgling couple. It all depends on the nature of your relationship and communication.

I wouldn't consider it lying to not mention that you'd seen someone else that early on, just unnecessary and off putting. It should obviously naturally stop as soon as you decide to pursue a romantic relationship.

It's not moral judgement, it's politeness and respect.

If you're just meeting someone to say hello and chat to them then that is acquaintances or potential friends having coffee or whatever. That is not a date. Once somebody asks you on a date they are expressing a romantic interest in getting to know you further and that is implicitly exclusive, or it will stand no chance to survive, if the people involved have any boundaries/ standards.

If it is just meeting as friends for a drink to get to know someone if course there is no obligation, but once you are going on dates there is. Unless you specifically make it clear that you are sleeping around and looking for hookups etc not dating. The assumption is that the basic respect of dating someone will be there and the declaration needs to be if that is not the case, not some bizarre US idea that people should actively have to ask each other if they're sleeping around still. 🙄

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk

I appreciate that the culture with online dating is probably a bit different, but, if you meet and ask someone out in real life, there's surely an assumption that you already like or are at least attracted to the person?

If I were to ask someone out on a date, I'd be thinking "I like you, I am attracted to you. I'd like to get to know you better and pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with you if it all goes well."

If i like the person well enough to ask them out in the first place, and then remain liking them enough to want a second and third date (and vice versa), why would I start seeing other people? It seems incredibly disrespectful to me.

Exactly.

A lot of my friends and I have been stung by arseholes who certainly didn’t assume exclusivity after several months, whereas we assumed it was going that way.

So not an ideal way of going about dating and setting the bar for your standards with men then, it appears?

This would give me the ick and I'd be saying tata. Yes it's early days and no you've not agreed you're exclusive, but bloody hell, if he liked you that much and he still wanted to see you, why on earth would he be shagging some random girl. Its like he's told you so he can get some sort of reaction from you. Its just all types of gross to me. Hard pass.

@RampantIvy

It strikes me that you have low standards in your expectations of dates *@TedMullins*. I am long time married, and comments like yours are very depressing. I can assure you that my university aged DD would not expect to treat someone like this, nor would she expect to be treated like this.

Why isn't the default to be bloody respectful and loyal to someone you might potentially want to develop a relationship with?

Well said @bookworm20. I wouldn’t want to be someone’s second or third option.

I am curious to know what age those who think that dating is a buffet are.

I suspect that those of us who prefer to find out whether it is worth dating someone then deciding not to see them again before going on to the next one pre-date online dating.

Nope. I met my husband OLD and I'm early 30s. It's about values, not age.

I’m not anyone’s property

What a bizarre comment. Treating people with basic respect - particularly people that you're spending time with having the specific intention that it may develop into a deeper connection and relationship - is not being someone's "property". 🙄🙄🙄🙄

It should obviously naturally stop as soon as you decide to pursue a romantic relationship.

Indeed. Which is from when you first ask someone to come out with you on a date...

To me an exclusive relationship starts from agreeing to see someone a second time but I'm in my 50s. I've never had a "we are exclusive" discussion. You are either going out with someone or you aren't. If you are getting romantic, kissing and have an ongoing relationship then you don't have sex with other people if you value the other relationship. If you did matter he wouldn't have done it. Doing it and telling you is doubly cruel.

He thinks it's a big joke op.ditch him

This is the problem with OLD. If you meet someone in real life, or things develop with a work colleague, say, then I think people would be generally more respectful.

But old appears to be like a buffet and there’s always a tastier looking dish to try. In fact I read recently that prolific online daters admitted it’s difficult to commit because there are so many more women out there. And let’s be honest, it is men who have more choice. I suppose in the past you wouldn’t encounter so many prospective dates as you can do now simply by scrolling.

So ‘exclusivity’ only applies to on line dating, and not if you meet someone through other avenues?

@MagentaDragon

It should obviously naturally stop as soon as you decide to pursue a romantic relationship.

Indeed. Which is from when you first ask someone to come out with you on a date...

No, I don't agree with that. For one half the time when you go on a date, someone asked you, you didn't ask them. But also I think you just fundamentally have a different view of why you go on dates to me, but you are making the mistake of assuming it is universal. I have been on dates because it's something fun to do and it MIGHT turn into a potential romantic relationship. Not because it already is. I think you view first dates as more formal than it has to be or always is.

*If you're just meeting someone to say hello and chat to them then that is acquaintances or potential friends having coffee or whatever. That is not a date. Once somebody asks you on a date they are expressing a romantic interest in getting to know you further and that is implicitly exclusive, or it will stand no chance to survive, if the people involved have any boundaries/ standards.

If it is just meeting as friends for a drink to get to know someone if course there is no obligation, but once you are going on dates there is. Unless you specifically make it clear that you are sleeping around and looking for hookups etc not dating. The assumption is that the basic respect of dating someone will be there and the declaration needs to be if that is not the case, not some bizarre US idea that people should actively have to ask each other if they're sleeping around still.*

No, they were dates. You're very determined to tell people what their experiences were. It wasn't a coffee with a friend, it was two people that fancied each other but didn't know each other that well meeting up to see how things went. It could be a spur of the moment question, asking them on a date in the first place, rather than a premedidated declaration of "intentions". It may make a difference that I am talking about my early twenties here. No I was not just looking for hookups but equally dating was not done with "intentions", it was just an organic response to mildly fancying someone and the connections that stuck normally turned into relationships.

I'm not disputing that people shouldn't have to ask for exclusivity after a few dates and if the nature of the communication between them points towards taking the connection further. I'm certainly not saying not having an "exclusivity chat" is an excuse to cheat months down the line. I'm saying it is possible and not morally bankrupt to have one or two casual dates that ARE dates, but aren't done with the specific, preformed intention of forming a relationship with that person.

So what did he say when you binned him off? @rachelsunshine

It's bizarre that most people on here think that the main issue is him telling the OP what he's done, rather than him having slept with someone else.

"I like you enough to go out with you... But not enough to keep my dick out of someone else for a few weeks."

I see the thread is still going strong with some good old Mary Whitehouse types adding their very strong views. And the Op has long gone.

Most people I know of who do online dating, have (sometimes) 3 dates for coffee lined up in a week. (This is how it works for many decent people.) You can't form a real impression of anyone from a phone/ messaging chat. You need to meet.

You also have no idea if they person you have arranged to meet will even show up!

So if someone wants to meet you and have a coffee on Monday, and you also have other dates lined up for Wednesday and Saturday, are you really suggesting @MagentaDragon that a person should not keep Weds and Saturday dates? And if you meet Man A and he is simply awful, you have effectively lost the chance of meeting Man B or Man C as they will have moved on and dated other people.

I guess speed dating where you meet lots of people in one evening is simply off limits , is it? Because it's pretty much the same idea.

@MagentaDragon

A lot of my friends and I have been stung by arseholes who certainly didn’t assume exclusivity after several months, whereas we assumed it was going that way.

So not an ideal way of going about dating and setting the bar for your standards with men then, it appears?

Quite the opposite in fact - in hindsight it was a mistake to assume any kind of exclusivity without explicitly talking about it. Although as I’ve actually said here, if the dates had been happening for months then I think it is a fair assumption.

I don’t know a single person who’d assume exclusivity from the moment of being asked on a date, that’s ridiculous. I don’t know anyone who’d assume it from being asked on a second or third date either! At that stage you’re still getting to know someone, and while you might fancy them, that doesn’t mean it’ll always develop into a relationship. Dating is testing the water to see if that might happen.

There are many people on here who talk about having a ‘DP’ or moving in with someone after a matter of months who are berated for hardly knowing someone, moving too quickly and told ‘he’s not your partner, he’s a guy you’ve had 3 dates with’.

I’m sure there are other people who think like you but you can’t unilaterally assume everyone thinks they’re in an exclusive relationship the moment they’re asked on a first or second date, as I said earlier I’d bin off someone who made any such assumption with me for being far too possessive.

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk

It's bizarre that most people on here think that the main issue is him telling the OP what he's done, rather than him having slept with someone else.

"I like you enough to go out with you... But not enough to keep my dick out of someone else for a few weeks."

Liking (fancying) someone enough to go on a couple of dates doesn’t preclude you also fancying someone else 🙄 it’s ridiculous to suggest you know someone deeply enough after one or two dates to know whether you want to enter into a relationship with them.

Liking (fancying) someone enough to go on a couple of dates doesn’t preclude you also fancying someone else 🙄 it’s ridiculous to suggest you know someone deeply enough after one or two dates to know whether you want to enter into a relationship with them.

But it isn't OK to sleep with someone else if you are dating someone, no matter how many dates you have had. You have depressingly low standards in men IMO.

@RampantIvy

Liking (fancying) someone enough to go on a couple of dates doesn’t preclude you also fancying someone else 🙄 it’s ridiculous to suggest you know someone deeply enough after one or two dates to know whether you want to enter into a relationship with them.

But it isn't OK to sleep with someone else if you are dating someone, no matter how many dates you have had. You have depressingly low standards in men IMO.

In your opinion. Who made you the monogamy police? Why do you think exclusivity is automatically more morally correct than dating multiple people? It’s an arbitrary rule made up by a society that attaches shame and judgement to sex.

What about the fact that I would happily go on several dates a week and if I felt like sleeping with any of them, I would? And if I wanted to see any of them again, I also would? I don’t owe anyone anything at the stage of only having been on one or two dates with them. I suppose you’ll come back with some misogynist claptrap about not valuing myself or my body. Oh, and I’m bisexual. Don’t assume I’m only talking about men.

Liking (fancying) someone enough to go on a couple of dates doesn’t preclude you also fancying someone else 🙄 it’s ridiculous to suggest you know someone deeply enough after one or two dates to know whether you want to enter into a relationship with them.

And? No one's asking people to be planning how they're going to grow old and wrinkly together on their first couple of dates. But, if you like someone enough to ask them out and then continue liking them enough to ask them on a second and third date (being presumably interested in pursuing a romantic and sexual relationship)... It's surely just basic respect to not see anyone else?

If it doesn't work out, break it off and you're free to see other people.

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk

Liking (fancying) someone enough to go on a couple of dates doesn’t preclude you also fancying someone else 🙄 it’s ridiculous to suggest you know someone deeply enough after one or two dates to know whether you want to enter into a relationship with them.

And? No one's asking people to be planning how they're going to grow old and wrinkly together on their first couple of dates. But, if you like someone enough to ask them out and then continue liking them enough to ask them on a second and third date (being presumably interested in pursuing a romantic and sexual relationship)... It's surely just basic respect to not see anyone else?

If it doesn't work out, break it off and you're free to see other people.

Again, in your opinion. I’ll ask you the same as the above poster: who made you the monogamy police and why do you expect everyone to feel the same?

I don’t agree there is anything morally wrong with asking someone out and having a couple of dates, and sleeping with another person within the same timeframe. I would do this. So would most people I know. I’ve never heard anyone express views like yours in my friendship circle. If the dates develop and feelings grow after some weeks/months, then a conversation about the nature of the relationship should be had.

What about people who agree they’re both happy to date each other but continue seeing other people? Would you throw them in sex jail for lacking ‘basic respect’?

If he was really into/excited about OP there is no way he'd have either a) slept with someone else or b) told her about his one night stand. So I'd finish it for that reason. I can excuse a meaningless one night stand but being told about it just seems really weird when you've just met someone.

Again, in your opinion. I’ll ask you the same as the above poster: who made you the monogamy police and why do you expect everyone to feel the same?

I don’t agree there is anything morally wrong with asking someone out and having a couple of dates, and sleeping with another person within the same timeframe. I would do this. So would most people I know. I’ve never heard anyone express views like yours in my friendship circle. If the dates develop and feelings grow after some weeks/months, then a conversation about the nature of the relationship should be had.

What about people who agree they’re both happy to date each other but continue seeing other people? Would you throw them in sex jail for lacking ‘basic respect’?

If people want an open relationship, that's up to them, but that's something that should be said and agreed upon at the very start of the relationship.

You can carry on pretending that people on here are trying to enforce some Victorian ideas of sex onto you and repress you, but I doubt there are many people on this site who have a problem with people having casual sex. No one gives a crap if you want a FWB relationship or just want to have casual sex with people. But that isn't the situation in the OP, is it? She's gone on several dates with a man with the wholly reasonable expectation of establishing a monogamous romantic and sexual relationship with him.