Page 6 | Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

rachelsunshine · 2021-05-30T09:25:05+00:00

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time. Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal. He was out last night on a lads night out. He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest. He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him. Aibu to be put off? Would you still go ?

JinglingHellsBells · 30/05/2021 11:50

From a purely health-driven perspective I'd not be keen.
There are many STIs that can't be excluded by using condoms.
I don't find men who sleep around attractive.

In theory he has done nothing wrong, after just 3 dates with you, but it's odd he needs to 'confess'. As others say, it's his business.

If you want to see him, then you need to clear the air and have the 'okay, so we're not exclusive chat' but really, that's what he's telling you now.

How do you feel on that score?

AtoZed · 30/05/2021 11:52

@Aprilx

No I wouldn’t go. I am in my fifties and find it odd to be seeing more than one person at a time never mind sleeping with them, this wasn’t how it used to be done. The strangest thing though is that he told you, his motives for that have me curious and a bit suspicious.

Totally agree. I’m the same age and I remember people at school being called “two-timer” if they were going out with more than one lad!

Exclusive. It was a given when I was dating!

Whythesadface · 30/05/2021 11:52

So funny, woman wanted sexual freedom, they got it, but everything comes at a price.
Once if you dated someone, it meant no intimate contact with anyone else, that seems to no longer be the case, I think that is very sad.

Teessider · 30/05/2021 11:52

The red flag for me would be him telling you. If you're just dating and no promises made on either side , then he is free to do as he likes, same as you.

But telling you? Absolutely no need really. It doesn't show 'honesty.' It shows a lack of boundaries and also hints at possibly testing boundaries

Vetyveriohohoh · 30/05/2021 11:54

Sleeping with others at this point not unusual but telling you is very odd

MeadowLines · 30/05/2021 11:55

I agree with @Aprilx and Im mid thirties. As far as I'm concerned if youre going on dates with someone then youre dating that person and find this whole thing of having to secure exclusivity ridiculous!
Also the fact that he had a one night stand with a random person would put me off him totally!

Bagamoyo1 · 30/05/2021 11:56

It would put me off massively. Personally I’d cancel the date.

MzHz · 30/05/2021 11:56

He’s checking to see just how little self respect and self esteem you have.

Have some pride and tell him to crack on with the shagging randoms but that you’re not prepared to put up with this.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/05/2021 11:56

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

He can like you but also want to date other women.

Can you see that this clumsy way is him telling you that he's a free agent, there is no commitment (yet) and after 3 dates he's within his rights to see other women?

Unless you feel someone should be faithful and 'yours' after 3 dates, he's not being shitty although he's chosen a bit of a daft way to tell you how he's behaving.

If you want to be exclusive, you need to either make this very clear when you meet a new man, or walk away when it's clear they are playing the field if you aren't happy with that.

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to expect commitment after 3 weeks and 3 dates. Equally, I think he's been a bit of a dick to tell you over the phone that he's seeing other people and not have a proper grown up conversation in person with you.

BertramLacey · 30/05/2021 11:57

I wouldn't be put off by the shagging - you're not exclusive and haven't slept together - but why on earth would he tell you? So weird.

This. There's some manipulation going on in telling you. I'd bin him for that.

RedcurrantPuff · 30/05/2021 11:57

@BarefootHippieChick

I'd be put off by the fact he shagged some random person he probably doesn't know on a drunken night out but that's just me

Me too

Bye bye

Bluedelphinium · 30/05/2021 11:57

I'd feel exactly the same rachel

In my much younger days I might've tried to be cool and breezy but not now.

I think that if he had been in the right mindset for a relationship with you then he would not have been thinking about shagging others last night. Even if he did, bearing in mind you are not exclusive, he would have been more discreet than this. Telling you was an odd statement.

I would send something along the lines of what's been suggested but without mentioning seeing him around or being friends. Better just to draw a swift line under it.

Mumoblue · 30/05/2021 11:58

Nah, I’d be put off too.
I’m very much a “one person at a time” type, and I’d want to be with someone who was the same.
It’s not necessarily “cheating” or anything because you haven’t made a commitment but it might just be a mismatch in terms of the way you approach dating.

CommanderBurnham · 30/05/2021 11:58

I'd reply something along the lines like: 'I prefer to date exclusively. Can't do with complications. See you around.'

JinglingHellsBells · 30/05/2021 11:59

There are some odd replies here.

I agree he told the OP is a very cowardly way, but it's not really about testing her boundaries.

3 dates and 3 weeks into seeing someone, I'd assume now, with dating apps and so on, that many people are seeing other men/ women, unless they have said they are not.

The default is they might be, not that they are committed after 3 dates.

OP if you only want men to date you and no one else, in a one at a time approach, then you need to be upfront from the start and not assume they have your mindset.

RedcurrantPuff · 30/05/2021 12:00

Maybe I’m old fashioned but if I was seeing someone romantically I wouldn’t really be expecting him to be sticking his cock in random women as well.

tsmainsqueeze · 30/05/2021 12:02

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

This is exactly how i see it . He's not worthy of you .

AllOptionsAreOnTheTable · 30/05/2021 12:03

I don't get this 'it's not exclusive so it's fine' stuff. Do people really have so little self control/such low self esteem that they have to see and maybe sleep with, several people at once?

WhatsGoingOnHereThen · 30/05/2021 12:03

Nah, I’d be put off too.
I’m very much a “one person at a time” type, and I’d want to be with someone who was the same.
It’s not necessarily “cheating” or anything because you haven’t made a commitment but it might just be a mismatch in terms of the way you approach dating

Yep this! It's maybe not technically cheating if you've not agreed exclusivity but it's not a sign that he's massively into you or at least on the same page re dating.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/05/2021 12:04

@RedcurrantPuff

Maybe I’m old fashioned but if I was seeing someone romantically I wouldn’t really be expecting him to be sticking his cock in random women as well.

Sadly, it is a bit old fashioned. I am pretty old and I know through younger people that dating several people at once is more the norm now. I don't mean having actual relationships consecutively, but many younger people do go out on dates with more than one person, sometimes even in one evening or weekend. Online dating is a numbers game. That's not to say they are having sex with all of them.

OrchestraOfWankery · 30/05/2021 12:04

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

Good for you!

The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he

No. Getting his dick wet was his priority last night.

WimpoleHat · 30/05/2021 12:04

I agree with others; not necessarily anything wrong with his having done it if you haven’t agreed that you’re now an “item” and won’t see other people. But really odd to tell you. Agree with others on the response too; a “really appreciate your honesty, but think we are probably looking for different things, so I’ll give tonight a miss. Have a good weekend!” should do the trick. You make your point that you don’t like it, but you don’t look like you’re actually all that bothered.....

RampantIvy · 30/05/2021 12:06

@AllOptionsAreOnTheTable

I don't get this 'it's not exclusive so it's fine' stuff. Do people really have so little self control/such low self esteem that they have to see and maybe sleep with, several people at once?

I agree, and low expectations and standards. I would expect that if someone was sufficiently uninterested in me to want to sleep with someone else he would just tell me he didn't want to see me again rather than string me along.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/05/2021 12:07

@AllOptionsAreOnTheTable

I don't get this 'it's not exclusive so it's fine' stuff. Do people really have so little self control/such low self esteem that they have to see and maybe sleep with, several people at once?

Exactly! A lot of people seem to think others need to audition/do the Pick Me dance before they'll deign to suggest a relationship. Fuck that.

duodunical · 30/05/2021 12:08

I find it hard to believe he told you because he 'wanted to be honest.'

Why would he do that this morning? Do you know the same people?