Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

She’s had 3 dates with him over a couple of weeks. That’s not a relationship. It’s three dates. Of course she can bin him if she’s not happy with the fact he slept with someone else but I don’t agree that the entirety of society would be assuming exclusivity by that stage.

@TedMullins

She’s had 3 dates with him over a couple of weeks. That’s not a relationship. It’s three dates. Of course she can bin him if she’s not happy with the fact he slept with someone else but I don’t agree that the entirety of society would be assuming exclusivity by that stage.

I don't think so either. I think it's quite possible to still feel pretty casual after a couple of dates. Maybe OP didn't, but lots of people do.

The fact that he told you was either to deliberately get a reaction out of you or because he’s not into you and therefore doesn’t care about losing you.

Most men who sleep with others at the same time they are pursuing someone romantically tend to have enough of a brain to lie about it because divulging such information would put the majority of women off wanting to see them (or have sex with them) anymore. After all, what girl gets MORE turned on after hearing about guy they romantically like having sex with another woman the night before? People who want to have sex with other people don’t tend to (unfortunately) volunteer information that would put the person they want to have sex with off them. That’s why I think there’s so much of this type of thing that goes on in dating. It’s the old “well you never technically ASKED me if I was having sex with other women so I’ve technically done nothing wrong” loophole. Unfortunately I’ve accepted this is such a common sentiment in dating these days that now I cover my back and don’t assume anything. I have no interest in dating someone who is dating or becoming intimate with other people simultaneously.

Therefore the fact that he doesn’t A) Like you enough to not pursue other women sexually and B) Care at all that you know information (and even volunteered it) that would almost definitely put you off him means you’re better off purging him from your life.

The silver lining is though that because of his honesty (for whatever reason). You have been prevented from making a mistake and sleeping with him. I have slept with men who had I known pertinent information about them, I certainly would not have. I’ve learnt my lesson now and outright ask anyone explicitly for things I want to know before I have sex with them.

I hope you find someone amazing and worthwhile soon OP. I’m currently single in the dating market too and having the same heartaches with men!

Honestly OP I've been put off men for wearing too much aftershave, wearing hackett shoes that I've found scary 😂 and other minor things never mind them putting their penis in another woman, telling me to give me the heads up while saying they still want to go on the 3rd date. Cake and eat it?

If you're put off, you're put off. Don't waste your time on anyone you're going off.

I've been put off men for wearing too much aftershave
Me too!

@TeddingtonTrashbag

I've been put off men for wearing too much aftershave Me too!

No matter how much distance you put between you, you still spend the evening smelling of and tasting an eau de man scent that isn't your choosing.

If people want an open relationship, that's up to them, but that's something that should be said and agreed upon at the very start of the relationship.

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk So you think 3 dates over 3 weeks equals a 'relationship'? Because that's what you have said.
If not, how many dates equals a 'relationship'?

And on Date 1 you'd actually say to a man (or woman) 'Look, I want you and only you at the moment. Don't date another person from now on. Just me. I want exclusivity.'

I think any sane person would run for the hills if given that kind of speech.

Obviously, after a few dates, you might tell someone that you are looking for a relationship, per se, not just dates.

Your style of dating suits you. It's not what others like @TedMullins do and you aren't in the right, by any means. Implying other people have no morals because they don't take your line is really unfair.

Why use rather graphic language like 'putting his dick in, putting his penis in' (as if to shock) rather than simply 'have sex'.

So you think 3 dates over 3 weeks equals a 'relationship'? Because that's what you have said.
If not, how many dates equals a 'relationship'?
Apologies, at the start of seeing someone, then. I think that's fair. You wouldn't want to be weeks into dating someone to find out that that they wanted an open relationship.

And on Date 1 you'd actually say to a man (or woman) 'Look, I want you and only you at the moment. Don't date another person from now on. Just me. I want exclusivity.'

I think any sane person would run for the hills if given that kind of speech.

I've never made that kind of speech. I've never had an "exclusivity talk". When I've had a date with someone and it's gone badly, then we don't arrange to do it again. If it goes well and we get on, then we'll arrange to meet again and I wouldn't date in the meantime. This is the norm for my friends and I.

Obviously, after a few dates, you might tell someone that you are looking for a relationship, per se, not just dates.
Maybe we're meaning different things when we say dates? If I wasn't looking to have a relationship and was meeting up with someone as friends then I wouldn't call it a date. I've never had an experience where, after a few dates, someone felt the need to tell me that they were looking for a relationship... It's fairly obvious by the fact that we keep going on dates.

Your style of dating suits you. It's not what others like @TedMullins do and you aren't in the right, by any means. Implying other people have no morals because they don't take your line is really unfair.

I've not said that they have no morals. You're extrapolating quite a lot there. I do think that, if you're going to see several people at once, you should let them know. Because, while I agree there's nothing wrong with dating or having sex with multiple people, it's only fair to tell the other people involved (by which I mean the people you're dating, not a one night stand), so that they know where they stand.

• Usual caveat that I get that there's a different culture with online dating.

This is the norm for my friends and I.

Maybe. But how many people is that?
Many people work on a different basis.

Your points don't really address the issue of dating a few people for one date each and deciding who you want to see again, if indeed they want to.

Your tone to posters who behave differently is quite condescending and implies you have higher moral values, even if that's not how you see it.

by which I mean the people you're dating, not a one night stand

There is a stage between that where you are not dating, but not having sex.

It's getting to know someone over a few casual coffees/ drinks/ walks.

You still seem to be saying that at a first date with John on a Monday , you'd tell him you were seeing Bill on Wednesday or Bertie on Sunday, first dates with all of them.

I disagree that going on a date or asking someone on a date implies you want a relationship. I’ve been on dates with people who’ve said they’re not looking for a relationship but something casual, or they don’t know what they’re looking for, but if they met someone they liked they’d see where things go. I’ve also been on dates for reasons other than seeking a relationship - to ascertain whether I fancy someone, because I wanted sex, because I was bored, because I’d just moved to somewhere new and wanted to meet people. You can’t just assume and guarantee that a relationship will happen

@IsAnybodyListening totally agree; was just thinking exactly the same thing.

@JinglingHellsBells

by which I mean the people you're dating, not a one night stand

There is a stage between that where you are not dating, but not having sex.

It's getting to know someone over a few casual coffees/ drinks/ walks.

You still seem to be saying that at a first date with John on a Monday , you'd tell him you were seeing Bill on Wednesday or Bertie on Sunday, first dates with all of them.

No, I'm saying that, if I've arranged to meet John on Monday, I wouldn't arrange to meet Bill on Wednesday or Bertie on Saturday. As I've said, I know that it's different with online dating as you don't know the people you're meeting at all and it's expected that you see a few people at the same time.

But, assuming that I've not met John online- by the time I'm on a date with him, I've already liked him enough and felt attracted enough to him to either ask him on a date or agree to go on a date with him. I'd feel optimistic enough about that not to arrange two alternatives before we'd even met up.

Of course, it might turn out that John and I don't get along well at all and don't arrange another date. If I really want to, maybe I'll arrange a date with Bill.

@TedMullins

I disagree that going on a date or asking someone on a date implies you want a relationship. I’ve been on dates with people who’ve said they’re not looking for a relationship but something casual, or they don’t know what they’re looking for, but if they met someone they liked they’d see where things go. I’ve also been on dates for reasons other than seeking a relationship - to ascertain whether I fancy someone, because I wanted sex, because I was bored, because I’d just moved to somewhere new and wanted to meet people. You can’t just assume and guarantee that a relationship will happen

I've travelled quite a lot with work. Often, I'll be somewhere for a few months so I don't want a long term relationship as I'd have to leave soon but, as you've said, wanted sex/company etc and I've told people that from the offset if they didn't already know. I just think it would be unfair for me not to mention that at the start.

I do get that it's not all clear cut. I've been out with people where what I thought was meeting up with a friend/colleague for a drink, they intended as a date. Which is a bit awkward all around.
But, generally, it's fairly obvious when you're on a date and, unless otherwise specified, I'd assume that they'd want a romantic and sexual relationship, provided it goes well between you.

OP I wouldn’t see him again. If he was interested then he wouldn’t have done that.

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk
But, assuming that I've not met John online- by the time I'm on a date with him, I've already liked him enough and felt attracted enough to him to either ask him on a date or agree to go on a date with him. I'd feel optimistic enough about that not to arrange two alternatives before we'd even met up.

I just can't see how this is a real-life scenario. Most people do not know their date much at all, before having a date! How could you know something about a man to make such a judgement, so quickly?

Once, I had 3 dates in a week. One was a neighbour who I'd only ever said hello to, another was someone I met playing sport but only once, the other was a friend of a friend.
I'd never had even so much as a coffee with any of them.

I didn't have a 'favourite' because I knew so little about them.

Your idea that you could pick up with Bill if John didn't come up to expectations assumes Bill was still free, ready and waiting.

Nah I wouldn't go there

The third date is a usually a special one. IME. So knowing he shagged somebody else so soon before is a turn off

Would you, really.....?